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THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 

IN  MEMORY'  OF 
EDWIN  CORLE 


PRESENTED  BY 
JEAN  CORLE 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

Microsoft  Corporation 


http://www.archive.org/details/believeyoumeOOputniala 


BELIEVE     YOU     ME! 


NINA     WILCOX     PUTNAM 


BELIEVE 
YOU  ME! 

NINA  WILCOX  PUTNAM 

AUTHOR  OF  "ADAM'S  GARDEN,"    "THE  IMPOSSIBLE 
BOY,"   ETC.,  ETC. 


NEW  ^S^  YORK 
GEORGE  H.  DORAN  COMPANY 


COPYRIGHT,    IQI9, 
BY  GEORGE  H.   DORAN  COMPANY 


COPYRIGHT,    1919,   BY  THE  CURTIS   PUBLISHING  COMPANY 
PRINTED   IN  THE   UNITED   STATES  OF   AMERICA 


T0> 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I    Ladies  Enlist n 

II    Pro  Bonehead  Publico 66 

III  Holy  Smokes! 125 

IV  Anything  Once 156 

V    Now  is  the  Time 202 

VI    The  Glad  Hand 244 


vfl 


BELIEVE     YOU     ME! 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 

i 

LADIES  ENLIST 


I  wasn't  going  to  make  no  statement  about 
this  here  affair;  and  I  wouldn't  even  yet,  only 
for  our  publicity  man.  The  day  the  story 
leaked  he  called  me  up  in  the  A.  M.,  which  is 
the  B.  C.  of  the  daytime,  and  woke  me  out  of 
the  first  perfectly  good  sleep  I'd  had  since  Jim 
pulled  that  stunt  and  floored  me  so. 

First  off,  I  wouldn't  answer  the  phone;  but 
Musette  stood  by  me  with  it  in  her  hand  and 
just  made  me. 

"For  my  sake,  mademoiselle!"  says  she,  just 
like  she  used  to  in  our  act  on  the  big  time,  which 
we  played  before  I  got  into  the  dancing  game. 
"For  my  sake,  mademoiselle,"  she  says,  "do 
not  refuse  to  talk  with  the  publicity  man!" 

Well,  when  I  heard  who  it  was  I  seen  some 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


sense  in  what  she  says;  so  I  set  up  amid  my 
black-and-white-check  bed,  which — believe  you 
me — is  as  up  to  date  as  my  latest  drawing- 
room  dance.     And  I  grabbed  off  the  phone. 

"Yes,"  says  I  in  a  fainting  voice;  "this  is 
Miss  La  Tour.  What  is  it,  please?  I'm  far 
from  well." 

"Cut  out  that  stuff,  Mary!"  sajrs  a  male 
voice.  "This  is  Roscoe.  I  want  you  to  give 
out  a  statement  about  you  and  Jim  splitting 
up." 

"I  won't!"  says  I,  very  sharp.  "Whatter 
yer  think  I  am?"  I  says.  "That's  nobody's 
business  but  our  own!" 

"Oh,  ain't  it,  though?"  says  Roscoe,  very 
sarcastic.  "The  biggest  parlor-dancing  outfit 
in  America  busts  up  and  you  can't  be  seen, 
even,  for  two  whole  days!  The  stage  at  the 
Royal  ain't  notified  that  your  piece  is  called 
off;  the  De-Luxe  Hotel  don't  get  no  notice 
that  you  ain't  going  to  appear ;  and  all  the  info' 
I  could  get  when  I  called  up  your  flat  is  that 
you  was  gone  out!" 

"And  so  I  was!"  says  I,  indignant. 

"Then  I  call  up  Jim's  hotel  and  they  say 
he's  gone!"  shouted  Roscoe.  "Hell!"  says  he, 
forgetting  that  me  and  the  telephone  operator 

[12] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


both  was  ladies.  "Hell!  What  kind  of  way 
is  that  to  treat  a  guy  you're  paying  three  thou, 
a  year  to  for  getting  your  picture  in  the  paper 
every  time  you  sneeze?" 

I  didn't  have  any  comeback  about  that,  for 
there  was  certainly  some  truth  in  what  he  says. 
But  I  wasn't  to  be  put  down  so  easy. 

"I  guess  I  know  my  business,  Ros,"  I  says, 
sharp,  "or  I  wouldn't  be  living  in  a  swell  flat 
on  the  Drive,  all  fixed  up  like  a  furniture  shop, 
with  a  limousine  and  two  fool  dogs,  and  earned 
every  cent  of  it  myself,  and  no  one  can  say  a 
word  against  me,  if  I  didn't  know  my  own 
business.     So  there!" 

"Looka  here,  Mary,"  says  Roscoe.  "There's 
going  to  be  a  lot  of  talk  up  and  down  the  Ri- 
alto  if  you  don't  come  across  with  some  ex- 
planation.    I'm  comin'  right  up  to  get  it." 

"No,  you  don't,"  I  says,  for  I  hadn't  had  my 
facial  massage  in  three  days,  and,  after  all, 
Roscoe  is  a  man,  even  if  press  agents  ain't  ex- 
actly human.  "No,  you  don't,  Ros!"  I  says. 
"If  I  gotter  make  some  statement,  I'll  write 
the  dope  myself  and  you  can  fix  it  up  after — - 
see?  It's  a  bior  storv,  but  delicate,  and  I'm 
going  to  have  no  misunderstanding  over  it." 

"All  right,  Mary,"  savs  Ros.  "But  you  get 
[13] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


the  stuff  ready  for  the  morning  papers.  I'll 
be  up  for  it." 

Then  he  hung  up  and  I  knew  I  had  to  come 
across.  Besides,  Ma  come  in  just  then;  and 
while  I  may  boss  my  press  agent,  and  even 
sometimes  my  partner  and  Musette  and  the 
two  dogs,  Ma  sorter  gets  my  goat.  Ma  had  on 
a  elegant  rose-silk  negligee  I  give  her;  and  as 
usual,  she  had  it  ruined  by  tying  a  big  gingham 
apron  over  it,  which  made  her  look  the  size  of 
a  house,  but  sort  of  comforting.  She  stopped 
by  the  bed  and  set  both  her  hands  on  her  lips 
— the  way  she  does  when  she  don't  mean  to 
be  answered  back. 

"Now,  Mary  Gilligan,  you  get  right  up  and 
wash  your  teeth!"  says  Ma,  "and  do  your  three 
handsprings  and  other  exercises,  decent  and 
proper;  and  then  eat  the  breakfast  I  got 
cooked  for  you." 

Funny  thing,  but  Ma  ain't  got  a  mite  of 
dramatic  sense.  I  just  can't  understand  it, 
after  her  having  been  with  the  circus  so  long 
on  the  trapeze,  until  she  got  too  heavy  after 
I  come;  and  since  then  in  the  wardrobe-end  of 
the  theater,  and  all.  I  ain't  never  been  able 
to  break  her  in  to  none  of  the  refinements  of 
life,  either,  and  she  will  go  into  the  kitchen  for 

[14] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


all  I  say;  and  some  day  I  just  know  she'll  call 
me  Gilligan  in  public.  And  a  nice  laugh 
that'll  get! 

But,  anyhow,  I  usually  do  what  she  says, 
because  Ma  is  a  fine  trainer;  and — believe  you 
me — I  wouldn't  be  able  to  hold  on  to  Jim's 
neck  and  swing  out  straight  twenty  times 
round,  like  I  do — or  did — only  for  her  and  her 
keeping  me  on  the  job  like  she's  done.  The 
only  other  trouble  with  Ma  is,  she  can't  seem 
to  properly  understand  that  it's  my  artistic 
temperament  which  has  brought  in  the  cash — 
that  and  some  good  looks,  and  me  realizing 
that  this  refined  parlor-dancing  stuff  would  go 
over  big.  Of  course  Jim's  being  able  to  wear 
a  dress  suit  like  he'd  been  born  in  it  has  helped 
some,  even  aside  from  being  such  a  fine  part- 
ner ;  which  brings  me  back,  as  they  say,  to  the 
tale. 

Well,  I  done  my  exercise,  and  so  forth,  and 
then  I  had  Musette  bring  up  the  sofa,  a  ele- 
gant gilt  one — for  we  got  what  Ma  calls  Looie- 
the-Head- Waiter  stuff  in  our  parlor — to  the 
window,  so's  I  could  lay  and  look  dreamily 
out  over  the  autos  on  the  Drive  to  the  ships 
in  the  river;  you  know — the  German  ships 
which  have  been  taking  out  their  naturalization 

[15] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


papers,  or  something.  And,  as  I  lay  there 
thinking,  I  come  to  the  conclusion  that  if  I  told 
about  the  split  I  better  tell  all,  including  my 
own  enlistment. 

Oh,  how  well  I  can  now  understand  why 
many  men  enlist,  having  been  through  it  all 
myself!  And  how  then  they  long  to  get  out, 
and  can't,  and  realize  that  they  was  boobs! 
And  how  they  learn  that  they  weren't  boobs 
after  all,  once  they  got  used  to  it!  Do  you 
get  me? 

Well,  anyways,  I  decided  to  tell  the  whole 
story,  which,  of  course,  begun  at  Ruby  Ro- 
selle's  party. 

I  think  I  don't  hardly  need  to  state  that  I 
don't  generally  go  with  that  Roselle  crowd. 
No  acrobatic  dancer  could  and  keep  her  health. 
And — believe  you  me — every  drawing-room 
dance  act  that  is  worth  a  thousand  dollars  a 
week  has  acrobatics,  and  good  sound  acrobat- 
ics, as  its  base.  Well!  As  far  as  Ruby  Ro- 
selle and  her  crowd  is  concerned,  far  be  it  from 
me  to  pass  any  remarks.  But  any  one  in  the 
theatrical  line  will  tell  you  that  a  girl  which 
has  made  a  reputation  only  on  the  color  of  her 
hair  and  is  not  averse  to  tights  don't  have  to 
lead  the  rigid  life  of  a  first-class  Al  dancer, 

[16] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


leaving  out  all  judgments  as  to  character, 
which  are  usually  wrong  anyways. 

But,  having  said  that  much,  I  will  only  add 
that  I  have  never  gone  out  a  lot,  and  seldom 
without  Ma.  And  while  champagne  is  not  ex- 
actly a  stranger  to  me,  owing  to  Jim  and  me 
always  having  to  have  it  served  with  our  din- 
ner at  the  Ritz  each  night — which  any  one  with 
sense  knows  is  all  publicity  stuff  and  we  never 
drink  it — still,  I'm  not  in  favor  of  champagne 
parties,  which  they  generally  end  in  trouble; 
and  this  one  of  Ruby's  was  no  exception. 

Indeed,  I  wouldn't  of  gone  in  the  first  place 
only  for  us  unfortunately  being  on  the  same 
bill  at  the  opening  of  the  Superba  Roof,  which, 
of  course,  being  the  big  midnight  show  of  the 
year,  and  the  rest  of  the  leads  all  having  ac- 
cepted, and  Ruby  being  in  so  strong  with  the 
management,  it  would  of  been  bad  business 
policy  to  refuse. 

When  I  pointed  this  out  to  Jim  he  couldn't 
see  it  at  first,  owing  to  me  never  having  gone 
on  such  parties;  and  nobody  can  say  any  dif- 
ferent, with  truth.  But  the  Superba  contract 
was  the  biggest  thing  we  had  got  yet.  And, 
coming  on  top  of  the  twenty  minutes  in  Give 
Us  a  Kiss,  the  twenty  minutes  at  the  De-Luxe 

[17] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Hotel,  the  net  profs,  was  pretty  fair.  So,  for 
once,  we  accepted  an  invite  to  one  of  Ruby's 
famous  blow-outs. 

Ruby  Roselle's  house  was  something  won- 
derful, but  not  to  my  taste,  there  being  too 
much  in  it,  besides  smelling  of  cologne  and  in- 
cense, which,  from  her  singing  Overseas  in 
red-white-and-blue  tights,  was  more  or  less  to 
be  expected.  Also,  the  clothes  on  her  and  the 
other  girls  was  too  elaborate.  My  simple  lit- 
tle real  J  ace,  and  my  hair,  which  Musette  al- 
ways does  so  it  looks  like  I  done  it  myself, 
made  them  seem  like  a  Hippodrome  produc- 
tion alongside  of  a  play  by  this  foreigner,  Ib- 
sen— do  you  get  me?  I  was  proud  of  this; 
for — believe  you  me— getting  refinement 
means  work,  just  like  any  other  achievement, 
and  I  had  modeled  myself  on  Mrs.  Pieter  van 
Xorden  for  years,  than  whom  there  is  surely 
no  one  more  refined  by  reputation,  though  I 
had  never  seen  her.  I  could  see  Jim  felt  the 
same  about  all  this,  and  we  exchanged  a  look 
on  it;  for,  besides  being  engaged  to  be  mar- 
ried we  was  the  best  of  friends  when  we  come 
in — when  we  come  in!    Remember  that! 

After  we  said  "How  do  ye  do?"  to  Ruby,  I 
whispered  to  Jim  not  to  celebrate  too  much. 

[18] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


He  ain't  a  drinking  man  if  for  no  other  rea- 
sons but  those  of  my  own;  but  just  oncet  in  a 
while  he'd  get  a  little  more  than  he  should,  and 
this  opening  night  the  show  had  gone  awful 
big.  Had  he  but  heeded  me  better!  Alas! 
Nothing  doing;  it  was  all  in  vain! 

For  description  of  party  see  any  motion- 
picture  film  on  Vice.  Why  waste  words  on 
what  is  so  well  known?  And— believe  you  me 
— this  was  just  like  a  fillum;  and,  as  I  have 
said,  nothing  like  that  for  mine,  usually.  But, 
even  so,  we  might  of  got  off  safe  and  home 
without  no  trouble — only  for  Von  Hoffman 
and  the  baby  alligator. 

It  seems  like  this  here  Von  Hoffman  was 
stuck  on  Ruby;  in  fact,  it  was  him  that  sug- 
gested her  singing  Overseas  in  that  fierce  cos- 
tume. Also,  he  gave  her  the  alligator,  she  hav- 
ing tried  to  pick  on  a  present  he  couldn't  pos- 
sibly get  when  he  wanted  to  buy  her  some- 
thing. But,  being  German  by  descent,  he  had 
the  efficiency  to  get  it,  anyways ;  and  there  was 
the  alligator  at  the  party,  about  fifteen  inches 
long,  with  a  gold  collar  and  diamonds  in  the 
collar — and  we  at  war! 

Well,  it  seems  this  alligator  hadn't  eat  since 
it  come;  and  after  Ruby  had  a  double  Bronx 

[19] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


and  two  glasses  of  champagne  the  memory 
of  his  hunger  began  to  worry  her — do  you  get 
me?  So  she  had  him  brought  in  and  set  in 
the  middle  of  the  supper  table  on  the  orchids 
at  two  dollars  per  each,  which  he  sat  on  with- 
out moving  while  the  crowd  tried  everything 
on  him,  from  olives  to  wine,  with  no  success. 
The  alligator  seemed  a  awful  boob,  for  he  just 
lay  there  like  a  stuffed  one,  which  we  knew  he 
wasn't  on  account  of  his  not  having  eaten. 

Well,  Jim  hadn't  heeded  me.  I  guess  the 
truth  must  be  told,  though,  honest,  he  had  took 
but  very  little;  still,  being  unused  to  it,  the  ef- 
fect was  greater — do  you  get  me  ?  And  pretty 
soon  he  and  this  Von  Hoffman  was  kidding 
each  other  and  that  alligator  something  fierce. 

Now  Jim  took  a  hate  on  this  Von  Hoffman 
bird  the  minute  he  laid  eyes  on  him,  partly  on 
account  of  the  costume  of  Ruby,  and  also  on 
general  principles,  because  of  the  bird's  accent. 
But,  the  alligator  not  moving  or  nothing,  Jim 
asks  if  the  alligator  understands  only  Ger- 
man. 

"In  all  probability,"  says  Von  Hoffman; 
"he  is  a  high-class  alligator." 

"Then  he  ought  to  understand  American," 
[20] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


says  Jim.     "He'll  have  to  eventually;  why  not 


now 


?" 


"There's  nothing  to  prove  that,"  says  the 
German  bird  with  a  sneer.  "He  will  prob- 
ably get  along  very  well  as  he  is,  with  German 
only." 

Jim  looked  mad  as  a  hatter;  but  instead  of 
taking  it  out  on  this  Von  Hoffman,  as  he  had 
ought  to  have,  he  turned  on  that  poor  dumb 
beast. 

"Well,"  says  Jim  to  the  alligator,  "here's 
where  you  learn  some  patriotism." 

And  he  leaned  'way  across  the  table  until 
his  face  was  only  a  inch  or  two  away  from 
the  alligator's.  Jim  looked  that  animal 
straight  in  the  eye  and  spoke  very  severe. 

"To  hell  with  Germany!"  says  Jim. 

And  with  that  the  alligator  snapped — ■ 
snapped  right  onto  the  end  of  Jim's  nose !  Oh, 
my  Gawd,  but  I  yelled!  So  did  Jim — believe 
you  me!  And  then  we  all  tried  to  get  that 
fiend  of  a  pro-German  alligator  off  Jim's  face. 
When  they  succeeded  in  making  him  let  go 
you  had  ought  to  of  seen  Jim's  nose!  It  had 
four  holes  in  it  and  was  bleeding  something 
fierce. 

Oh,  may  I  never  live  to  see  such  a  sight 
[21] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


again,  let  alone  having  to  go  through  what  fol- 
lowed! For  once  I  forgot  my  refinement 
completely,  and  I  remember  yelling  at  Jim 
to  kill  that  German.  For  if  he  didn't  sick  his 
alligator  onto  Jim,  who  did?  And  there  he 
stood  laughing  at  Jim  for  all  he  was  worth; 
and  Jim  never  offered  to  fight  him! 

Believe  you  me,  all  my  sympathy  for  Jim 
melted  right  away  when  I  seen  he  wasn't  doing 
nothing  but  stand  there  holding  on  to  his  nose 
and  moaning. 

"I  know  alligator  bites  is  deadly  poison!" 
He  kept  saying  it  over  and  over  again,  while 
Von  Hoffman  was  laughing  himself  sick. 

"I  hope  it  is  poison!"  he  says.  "I  hope  it  is, 
you  jackanapes  of  an  American  dancer!" 

At  this  I  walked  right  up  to  that  Von  Hoff- 
man bird. 

"I'll  get  you  for  this!"  I  says.  "Somehow 
.1  know  you're  a  wrong  one,  and  I'll  get  you, 
even  if  Jim  don't  want  to!  I'd  enlist  to-mor- 
row if  I  was  a  man  and  get  your  old  Kaiser 
as  well!" 

Then,  the  next  thing  I  knew,  me  and  Jim 
was  in  the  limousine,  on  the  way  to  the  hos- 
pital: and  Jim  was  still  moaning  over  being 
poisoned  bv  the  alligator  and  getting  blood  all 

[22] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


over  the  place,  and  the  car  just  relined  and 
everything!  I  didn't  say  a  word  just  then, 
because,  of  course,  you  must  stick  to  a  pal  in 
time  of  immediate  trouble — do  you  get  me? 
But  I  was  boiling  mad  inside,  though  worried 
a  little  about  the  poison.  Still,  Jim's  not  hit- 
ting that  bird,  Von  Hoffman,  was  worse  to 
me  than  death  itself. 

At  the  hospital  the  chauffeur  and  me  got 
Jim  inside  somehow  and  to  a  desk  in  the  hall. 
There  was  a  snappy-looking  nurse  sitting 
there  with  a  book,  and  our  coming  in  at  that 
hour  no  more  worried  her  than  a  fly  in  cold 
weather.  She  just  looked  up  quiet  and  spoke 
— sort  of  unhospitable. 

"Name  of  ailment?"  she  inquired. 

"Alligator  bite!"  I  told  her,  brief;  and  I 
will  say  this  got  her  goat  a  little,  because  she 
made  me  say  it  twice  more  before  she  would 
believe  me. 

Then  she  directed  us  down  a  long  hall,  and 
a  young  guy  in  a  summer  suit  of  white  duck 
stopped  reading  the  newspaper  long  enough 
to  give  Jim's  nose  the  once  over. 

"Xo  cause  for  alarm,"  says  this  bird.  "The 
nose  will  be  about  twice  its  normal  size  for  a 
day,  that's  all!"     All!    And,  as  if  that  wasn't 

[23] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


enough,  he  painted  the  nose  and  all  round  it 
with  some  brown  stuff,  which  stopped  the 
bleeding  but  made  Jim  look  like  he  was  made 
up  for  some  sort  of  comedy  act.  Jim  was  per- 
fectly sober  by  then  and  quit  talking  about 
poison,  and  etc.,  and  when  he  was  back  in  the 
limousine  I  just  let  myself  go  and  bawled  him 
out  good  and  plenty. 

"Now  see  here,  Jim,"  I  says,  "I've  stuck 
by  you  to-night  long  enough  to  make  sure  you 
ain't  goin'  to  die  or  nothin';  and  now  I'm 
through !" 

"You  been  just  fine,  Mary,"  says  Jim,  try- 
ing to  take  my  hand.     I  took  it  away  quick. 

"You  don't  get  me!"  I  says.  "I  mean  I'm 
through  for  keeps.  The  engagement  is 
broken,  and  everything!" 

"Whatter  yer  mean — broken?"  says  Jim, 
sort  of  dazed. 

"Just  that!"  I  snapped.  "Here  you  get 
tight  and  take  a  insult  from  a  German;  and, 
as  if  that  wasn't  enough,  you  go  farther  and 
get  bit  by  a  pro-German  alligator!  And  you 
don't  even  offer  to  fight  the  German  who  owns 
the  alligator,  either!  And,  what's  further- 
more, you've  got  your  face  swoll  up  so's  you 
won't  be  able  to  dance  to-morrow  night;  and 

[24] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


that  iodine  won't  wash  off;  and  the  act  is 
crabbed  in  the  bud — do  you  get  me?  Crabbed! 
And  I'm  through — that's  all!  So  don't  never 
come  near  me  again!" 

Believe  you  me,  Jim  tried  to  make  me  listen 
to  reason ;  but  I  couldn't  hear  no  reason  to  lis- 
ten to,  and  so  wouldn't  let  him  say  much.  Then 
Jim  got  mad  and  bawled  me  out  for  breaking 
my  rule  and  going  on  the  party,  and  by  the 
time  we  got  to  my  place  we  wasn't  speaking  at 
all — not  even  good  night  or  good-by  forever  I 

II 

For  hours  and  hours  after  Ma  got  me  to  bed 
I  just  lay  there  thinking  and  aching  and  feel- 
ing all  hot  and  ashamed  and  terribly  lonesome, 
and  with  my  career  all  ruined  because  of  the 
Germans — to  say  nothing  of  having  been 
obliged  to  become  disengaged  to  Jim. 

And  then,  just  as  I  was  nearly  crazy  won- 
dering how  I  was  to  get  my  self-respect  back, 
I  got  a  swell  idea.  I  would  enlist!  Ladies 
could.  I  remembered  reading  a  piece  in  a 
newspaper  some  place  about  yeowomen  or 
something.  And  as  soon  as  I  realized  that  I 
could  serve  Uncle  Sam  and  help  get  even  with 

[25] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


that  bird,  Von  Hoffman,  and  the  Kaiser  and 
the  alligator,  and  lose  my  personal  feelings  in 
public  service,  I  got  the  most  wonderfully  easy 
feeling  round  my  heart  and  dropped  right  off 
to  sleep.  But  when  I  woke  up  in  the  morning 
it  was  something  fierce,  the  way  I  felt.  Be- 
lieve you  me,  it  was  just  like  I  had  ate  Welsh 
rabbit  the  night  before,  or  something — the 
weight  that  was  on  my  chest.  At  first  I 
couldn't  make  out  just  what  it  was.  Then  I 
remembered.  I  had  lost  Jim!  Of  course  I 
hadn't  lost  him  so  much  as  shook  him;  but  it 
was  all  the  same,  or  looked  that  way  in  the 
cold  gray  dawn  of  ten  A.  M. 

Honest  to  Gawd,  I  never  knew  how  fond  I 
was  of  Jim  until  I  woke  up  that  day  and  real- 
ized he  was  gone  forever!  But  I  wouldn't  of 
phoned  him  and  say  I'd  changed  ray  mind — 
not  on  a  bet  I  wouldn't.  And.  anyways,  I 
hadn't  changed  my  mind.  The  evidences  be- 
gun to  pile  up  against  him.  I  commenced  to 
remember  how  he  had  been  away  en  some  mys- 
terious trips  so  many  afternoons  for  the  last 
four  or  five  months;  and  maybe  with  some 
blonde,  for  all  I  knew.  And  then  his  going 
to  pieces  like  that  over  a  mere  alligator  bite, 
the  way  he  done ;  and,  worst  of  all,  not  hitting 

[20] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


that  German,  even  though  in  pain,  and  crab- 
bing our  act  by  getting  bit  on  the  nose. 

The  more  I  thought  about  it,  the  worser 
I  felt,  laying  there  in  retrospect  and  negligee. 
And  I  couldn't  see  no  way  of  us  ever  getting 
together  again — even  when  he  called  up  and 
apologized;  which,  of  course,  I  expected  he 
would  do  any  minute.  But  he  didn't;  and  by 
the  time  Ma  came  in  and  routed  me  out  of  bed 
I  had  myself  worked  up  so's  I  was  crying 
something  terrible,  and  hating  Jim  as  hard  as 
I  could,  which  would  of  been  enough  to  kill 
him — only  for  the  pain  in  my  heart  for  loving 
him. 

While  I  ate  only  a  light  repast  of  ham  and 
eggs,  and  a  little  marmalade,  and  etc.,  Ma 
made  me  tell  her  all;  which  I  done  the  best 
way  I  could  with  crying  in  between.  And  then 
I  told  her  about  me  having  made  up  my  mind 
to  enlist.  She  was  some  surprised  at  that, 
though  not  much.  Ma,  having  lived  through 
two  circuses  and  a  trapeze  act,  it  is  sort  of  hard 
to  surprise  her  very  much — do  you  get  me? 
So  all  Ma  savs  was: 

"Well,  Mary  Gilligan!"  says  she.  "Can  la- 
dies enlist?  I  had  a  idea,"  she  says,  "only  gen- 
tlemen was  permitted." 

[27] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


"No,"  says  I.  "I  see  a  piece  in  the  paper 
where  ladies  can  go  in  the  navy — yeowonien 
they  call  them;  a  fancy  name  for  a  stenog- 
rapher!" 

"A  whole  lot  too  fancy!"  says  Ma,  very 
prompt.  "And  no  daughter  of  mine,  a  decent, 
respectable  girl,  is  going  sailing  off  on  no  bat- 
tleship with  a  lot  of  sailors — not  to  mention 
submarines;  not  if  I  know  it!"  says  Ma.  "So, 
Mary  Gilligan,  3^011  may  as  well  put  that  idea 
out  of  your  head,  let  alone  you  ain't  a  stenog- 
rapher and  couldn't  learn  it  in  a  month." 

"Well,  Ma,"  I  says,  "maybe  you're  right; 
and  I  do  get  seasick  awful  quick.  But — oh, 
Ma!  I  got  to  enlist  some  place.  Can't  you 
see  the  way  I  feel?" 

Ma  could. 

"I  know!"  she  says,  very  sympathetic.  "I 
was  the  same  when  your  pa  missed  both  the 
third  trapeze  and  the  life  net.  I  would  of  en- 
listed when  he  died  if  there  had  been  a  war. 
And,  of  course,  you  feel  like  Jim  was  dead. 
How  about  the  Red  Cross?" 

"Won't  do  for  me,"  I  says,  prompt.  "I 
don't  see  myself  sitting  around  in  no  shop,  with 
a  dust  cloth  tied  over  my  head,  selling  tickets. 
I  got  to  do  something  active  or  I'll  go  bugs!" 

[28] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


Then  31a  had  a  real  idea. 

"How  about  this  here  Woman's  Automo- 
bile Service?"  says  she.  "The  one  I  read  you 
the  piece  about?  You're  a  woman  and  you  got 
a  auto." 

"Ma,  you're  a  wonder!"  I  says.  "Look  up 
the  address  while  I  get  my  hat  on!  Tell  Mu- 
sette to  call  for  the  limousine;  and  watch  me 
make  a  trial  for  my  new  job!" 

So  they  done  like  I  asked,  and  I  kissed  Ma 
and  Musette  good-by;  also  the  two  fool  dogs, 
for  I  had  a  sort  of  feeling  like  I  was  going  into 
battle  already. 

"When  Jim  calls  up  tell  him  it's  no  good — 
he  can't  see  me,"  says  I,  the  last  thing.  And 
then  I  set  off  in  the  limousine. 

Well,  I'd  put  on  a  very  simple  imported 
model  and  a  small  hat,  and  only  my  diamond 
earrings,  and  a  brooch  Jim  had  give  me,  when 
we  was  first  engaged,  over  my  aching  heart.  I 
wanted,  above  all  things,  to  look  refined;  for, 
even  if  the  U.  S.  Army  isn't  always  quite  that, 
still,  this  was  a  ladies'  branch  of  it.  And  you 
know  what  women  can  be — especially  in  or- 
ganizations ;  though  I  admit  I  hadn't  had  much 
previous  experience  with  them,  except  the 
White  Kittens,  which  Ma  insisted  on  me  keep- 

[29] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


ing  up  with  and  contributing  to  their  annual 
ball,  because  of  she  having  always  belonged. 
And — believe  you  me — the  scraps  I  seen  at 
some  of  their  Execution  Committee  meetings 
would  make  the  Battle  of  the  Marne  look  like 
a  pinochle  post-mortem! 

Well,  as  I  was  saying,  I  took  no  chances  on 
appearances  of  refinement  in  this  case,  not 
knowing  exactly  what  class  of  ladies  would 
be  running  the  Woman's  Automobile  Service. 
And,  even  when  I  got  to  their  office,  it  took 
me  several  minutes  before  I  got  the  right  dope 
on  them  and  their  line — do  you  get  me? 

In  the  first  place,  it  wasn't  at  all  like  the 
White  Kittens'  Headquarters,  in  the  Palatial 
Hotel  ball-room.  Instead,  it  was  a  shop  on  a 
swell  side  street,  with  two  very  plain  capable- 
looking  dark-green  ambulances  standing  out- 
side. My  limousine  had  to  stop  next  door  on 
account  of  them. 

Well,  I  got  out  and  walked  across  and  into 
that  shop.  And — believe  you  me— it  was  the 
plainest  place  you  ever  saw ;  not  even  so  much 
as  a  flower  or  a  rug  to  give  it  a  womanly  touch. 
But  neat!  My  Gawd!  And  there  was  three 
young  ladies  there,  all  in  the  snappiest-looking 
uniforms  you  ever  want  to  see — dark  green, 

[80] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


like  the  ambulances,  with  gold  on  the  collar, 
and  caps  like  the  Oversea's  Army,  and  the 
cutest  leggings !     My ! 

Maybe  you  think  they  looked  like  a  chorus  ? 
They  did  not!  They  was  as  business-like  as 
English  officers.  Over  in  one  corner  a  frowzy- 
looking  little  dame  was  sitting,  reading  a  book. 
There  wasn't  no  unnecessary  furniture  in  the 
place,  and  'way  at  the  back  was  a  door  marked 
Captain  Worth — Private,  which  seemed  funny. 

The  minute  I  come  in  one  of  the  girls 
jumped  up  and  says  what  could  she  do  for  me? 

I  seen  at  once  she  was  a  perfect  lady. 

"I  am  Marie  La  Tour,"  I  says  in  a  very 
quiet,  low-pitched  voice,  like  a  drawing-room 
act. 

"Yes?"  says  she.  "And  what  can  I  do  for 
you,  Miss — er " 

"La  Tour!"  I  says  again,  as  patient  as  pos- 
sible. 

But  it  was  plain  she  didn't  get  me,  even  the 
second  time,  though  it's  a  cinch  she  heard  me 
all  right,  all  right.  But  the  name  simply 
didn't  mean  nothing  in  her  young  life.  Was 
I  surprised?  I  was!  Of  course  if  I  had  said 
"I  am  Mrs.  Vernon  Castle,"  and  she  didn't 
know  who  it  was,  I  wouldn't  of  got  such  a  jolt. 

[31] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


But  Marie  La  Tour!  Well,  there's  igno- 
rance even  among  the  educated,  and  I  real- 
ized this  and  didn't  try  to  wise  her  up  any. 
After  all,  I  was  not  out  for  publicity,  but  for 
serving  my  country.  Besides,  I  had  heard 
right  along  that  the  army  was  full  of  democ- 
racy; and,  of  course,  this  was  some  of  it. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "I  would  like  to  enlist.  My 
heart  is  broken,  but  full  of  patriotism,  and  this 
seemed  a  good  place  to  come." 

"Good!"  says  this  young  lady,  which  I  had 
noticed  by  this  time  she  had  a  lieutenant's  uni- 
form on  her,  but  not  by  any  means  intending 
she  was  glad  my  heart  was  broken.  "Good!" 
she  says.  "Sit  down  and  let  me  tell  you  about 
our  organization." 

"Is  it  the  regular  army?"  I  asked. 

"Xot  yet,"  says  she;  "but  we  hope  we  will 
eventually  get  official  recognition.  We  are  al- 
ready used  by  the  Government  for  dispatch 
and  ambulance  service  and  as  escorts  and  driv- 
ers for  officers  and  members  of  the  various  de- 
partments; also,  as  government  inspectors.  So 
you  see  it  is  a  very  live  work." 

"And  it's  a  awfully  pretty  costume,"  I  says; 
"so  snappy." 

"The  uniform  is  onlv  the  outward  sign  of 
[32] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


what  we  are  doing,"  says  Miss  Lieutenant. 
"You  have  a  car?" 

"Outside,"  I  says;  "eight-thousand  dollars, 
and  all  paid  for.  You  can  have  it  if  it's  any 
good  to  you.  Ma  always  prefers  the  street 
car  anyways." 

"Thank  you;  that  is  splendid!"  says  the  lady 
officer,  very  pleasant,  but  not  exactly  excited 
over  my  offer — which  was  some  offer  at  that. 

She  took  out  a  slip  of  paper  and  begun  fill- 
ing in  some  blanks  on  it. 

First,  the  make  of  the  car,  and  then  the  an- 
swers to  the  questions  she  shot  at  me. 

"Can  we  have  it  at  a  moment's  notice?"  she 
said.  "Yes?  Good!  Is  it  new?  In  good 
condition?     Do  you  loan  or  give  it?" 

"Give!"  I  says,  brief.  "I  am  not  going  to 
be  a  piker  to  Uncle  Sam." 

At  this  the  lady  lieutenant  actually  came  out 
of  her  shell  enough  to  give  me  a  smile. 

"That's  the  spirit!"  she  says.  "We  some- 
times have  as  many  as  twenty  offers  of  cars 
a  day.  But,  as  a  rule,  they  are  half-time  loans. 
Can  you  drive?" 

"Drive  a  horse?"  says  I. 

"No,  no,"  says  the  kid,  serious  again,  "a  car, 
of  course!" 

[33] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


"Why,  no,"  says  I,  feeling  sort  of  cheap. 
"Isn't  there  anything  else  I  can  do?" 

"Plenty,"  she  says,  cheerfully;  "but  you  will 
have  to  learn  to  drive,  first  of  all.  You  must 
have  a  chauffeur's  license,  a  doctor's  certificate 
of  health,  two  letters  of  recommendation  from 
prominent  citizens  as  to  your  loyalty  and  gen- 
eral character,  and  a  graduate's  certificate  from 
a  technical  automobile  school." 

"Anything  else  ?"  I  says,  sort  of  faint. 

"Well,  of  course,  you  will  have  to  take  the 
nursing  and  first-aid  course  at  St.  Timothy's 
Hospital,"  she  says,  "and  the  regular  U.  S. 
Infantry  drill.     But  that's  about  all." 

"Do  I  have  to  learn  all  that  stuff  before  I 
can  come  in?"  I  asked,  feeling  about  as  small 
as  when  I  had  my  first  try-out  on  the  big  time 
circuit. 

"Oh,  no,"  says  Miss  Lieutenant;  "you  can 
sign  your  application  right  away  if  you  like. 
Then  you  can  come  in  immediately  and  start 
rookie  drill  and  the  first-aid  work  with  the 
service  while  you  are  getting  your  technical 
training." 

Believe  you  me,  my  breath  was  about  taken 
away  by  all  this  stuff.  I  don't  really  know 
now  just  what  I  did  expect  when  I  first  come 

[34] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


into  that  shop,  but  I  guess  I  had  a  sort  of  idea 
they'd  give  me  a  big  welcome  and  I'd  get  a 
costume  of  some  sort;  and,  after  that — well,  I 
don't  really  know.  I  certainly  never  expected 
what  they  handed  me.     But  I  was  game. 

"When  can  I  commence  all  this?"  I  says. 

"When  do  you  want  to?"  says  Miss  Lieu- 
tenant. 

"To-day,"  I  says  firmly.  At  this  Miss 
Lieutenant  actually  smiled  again. 

"Good!"  says  she.  "The  minute  you  bring 
me  that  health  certificate  and  those  letters  of 
recommendation  I'll  sign  you  up  and  you  can 
start  in  at  the  Automobile  Training  School. 
To-morrow  morning  is  the  time  at  St.  Timo- 
thy's Hospital  and  to-morrow  afternoon  is 
rookie  drill." 

"And  when  is  the  auto  school?"  I  says. 

"Every  afternoon,"  she  says. 

"Then,"  says  I,  "I'll  get  them  letters  and 
the  certificate  here  by  noon.  And  if  you  O.  K. 
them  I'll  just  start  in  this  P.  M. — if  it's  all  the 
same  to  you." 

"Good!"  says  Miss  Lieutenant,  evidently  not 
displeased,  yet  determined  to  show  no  emo- 
tion. 

Then  she  got  up,  indicating  that  our  busi- 
[35] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


ness  was  over,  clicked  her  heels  together  like  a 
regular  officer,  and  made  a  stiff  little  bow. 
Oh,  wasn't  she  professional,  just! 

"Well,  I'll  be  back,"  I  says,  and  started  to 
go.  "I'm  sure  I  can  get  everything  but  the 
technical  stuff;  and  I'll  get  that  if  I  die  of  it!" 

in 

And — believe  you  me — I  had  no  idea  how 
near  true  them  words  was  when  I  uttered  them. 
I  was  almost  at  the  door  when  the  frowzy  lit- 
tle dame  in  the  corner,  which  I  had  forgotten 
she  was  there,  come  over  and  touched  me  on 
the  arm. 

"I  beg  your  pardon,  my  dear,"  she  says; 
"but  I  want  to  tell  you  I  think  your  spirit  is 
fine.  And  don't  let  any  fear  of  the  technical 
course  deter  you.     Even  I  was  able  to  do  it." 

Was  I  surprised?  I  was!  But  she  seemed 
very  sweet  and  kind,  though  so  unnoticeable; 
so  I  just  says  thanks,  and  then — believe  you 
me — started  out  on  some  rush! 

First  of  all,  I  hustled  up  to  old  Doc  Al's 
place,  which  Ma  and  me  has  him  for  a  doctor; 
though  Gawd  knows  there  ain't  never  a  blessed 
thing  the  matter  with  our  healths.     Still,  since 

[36] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


her  trapeze  days  Ma  has  always  felt  that  emer- 
gencies do  happen.  Well,  of  course,  he  give 
me  a  perfect  certificate  in  less  than  ten  min- 
utes' time,  and  I  was  off  to  see  Goldringer, 
head  of  the  dancing  trust;  and  him  and  his 
partner,  Kingston,  each  give  me  a  elegant  let- 
ter of  recommendation,  than  which  I  could 
scarcely  of  got  letters  from  any  more  promi- 
ent  citizens — unless,  maybe,  Pres.  Wilson. 

Well,  anyways,  I  took  all  three  recommends 
down  to  the  young  lady  lieutenant,  and  there 
all  was  the  same.  Well,  it  was  still  lacking 
five  to  twelve  when  I  come  in,  and  Miss  Lieu- 
tenant looked  quite  some  surprised,  though  she 
tried  not  to.  The  letters  and  the  doc's  certifi- 
cate was  O.  K. ;  and  the  first  thing  you  know, 
I  was  signed  up  and  given  three  passes.  One 
for  the  auto  school  for  two  o'clock  that  same 
P.  M.;  one  for  the  hospital,  calling  for  me  to 
be  on  hand  for  rehearsal  of  the  nursing  act  at 
nine  o'clock  next  morning.  The  third  was  also 
a  call  for  rehearsal — a  outdoor  drill  in  the  park 
at  three  P.  M.  next  day.  It  looked  like  I  was 
going  to  have  a  busy  life. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "would  you  like  the  car 
now?"  I  says.  "I  can  walk  home  just  as  good 
as  not." 

[37] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


"No,  thanks,"  says  Miss  Lieutenant.  "We 
will  call  upon  you  for  it  when  it  is  needed." 

Believe  you  me,  I  was  grateful  for  that,  be- 
cause I  ain't  used  to  hustling  round  in  the  early 
morning,  and  I  had  hustled  some  this  time.  So 
I  climbed  in  and  says  "Home,  James!"  and 
dropped  in  on  the  seat  and  was  carried  uptown 
for  lunch. 

While  on  the  way  I  got  the  first  chance  I'd 
had  all  morning  to  think  about  Jim,  and  to 
wonder  what  he  had  said  when  he  phoned  to 
apologize.  And  did  the  ache  come  back  in  my 
heart  when  I  got  thinking  of  him?  It  did! 
I  felt  almost  sick  with  lonesomeness  by  the  time 
I  got  to  the  flat.  And  whatter  you  think? 
Jim  hadn't  phoned  at  all!  Not  a  peep  out  of 
him! 

At  first  I  thought  there  must  be  some  mis- 
take; but  after  I'd  rowed  with  the  operator  in 
the  hall,  and  with  Ma  and  Musette  both,  I  come 
to  realize  that  the  split  between  me  and  Jim 
was  real — that  we  was  off  each  other  sure 
enough.  And  it  was  not  so  surprising  that  a 
man  which  didn't  hit  a  German  whose  alligator 
had  bit  him  wouldn't  know  how  to  treat  a  lady! 

But  somehow  Jim's  being  so  mean  about  not 
phoning  perked  me  up  a  lot  and  give  me  cour- 

[38] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


age  to  think  of  going  into  that  auto  school.  I 
had  commenced  to  be  awful  doubtful  about  it; 
but  Jim's  neglect,  together  with  the  lunch  Ma 
had  fixed,  set  me  up  a  lot.  And  by  one-thirty 
by  my  wrist  watch,  and  a  quarter  to  two  by 
the  mantel-piece  clock,  I  had  the  strength  to 
struggle  into  a  demitallieur,  which  is  French 
for  any  lady's  suit  costing  over  sixty  dollars, 
and  get  to  the  auto  school  by  the  time  the  lady 
lieutenant  had  told  them  to  expect  me. 

Oh,  that  auto  school!  The  torture  cham- 
bers of  this  here  Castle  of  Chillon  has  nothing 
on  it  and- — believe  you  me — the  first  set  of 
tools  a  person  going  into  it  needs  is  a  mani- 
cure set.  The  next  thing  they  need  is  a  good 
memory,  the  kind  which  can  get  a  twelve-hun- 
dred-line part  overnight;  which  no  dancer  can 
nor  is  ever  supposed  to! 

One  thing  I  will  say  for  that  school,  though 
— they  was  not  such  a  ill-informed  lot  as  the 
Automobile  Service.  From  the  very  minute 
I  set  foot  inside  the  place  they  knew  who  I 
was,  and  the  manager  give  me  the  pick  of  half 
a  dozen  young  fellows  who  was  just  filled  with 
patriotic  longing  to  help  me  qualify  for  the 
service. 

After  giving  them  the  once  over  I  finally 
[39] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


decided  on  one  lean-looking  bird,  who  seemed 
married,  and  quiet,  and  likely  to  teach  me 
something  about  the  insides  of  an  auto,  instead 
of  asking  me  questions  about  the  steps  of  the 
Teatime  Tango  Trot,  and  did  I  feel  the  same 
in  my  make-up  ? 

Well,  the  first  thing  this  bird  asks  me  is  do 
I  know  anything  about  a  car?  And  I  says, 
know  what?  And  he  says,  well,  can  I  name 
the  parts  of  a  car?  And  I  says,  yes;  and  he 
says  for  me  to  name  them.  So  I  says  color, 
lining,  flower  holder,  clock,  speaking  tube  and 
chauffeur. 

Well,  the  bird  says  so  far  correct;  but  that 
wasn't  enough,  and  he  guessed  we  better  be- 
gin at  the  more  fundamental  parts  and  would 
I  just  step  inside? 

Well,  it  seems  this  auto  school  undertakes 
to  teach  you  everything  about  a  car  from  the 
paint  on  the  body  to  the  appendix,  or  mag- 
neto, as  it  is  called,  in  twenty  lessons;  which  is 
like  trying  to  teach  the  Teatime  Tango  Trot, 
with  three  hand-springs  and  twenty  whirls 
round  your  partner's  neck,  by  mail  for  five 
dollars.    Which  is  to  say  it  can't  be  done. 

First  off,  the  instructor  hands  you  a  bunch 
of  yellow  papers  with  a  lot  of  typewriting  on 

[40] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


them — twenty  sheets  in  all,  or  one  per  lesson, 
and  all  you  got  to  do  is  learn  them  good  and 
then  put  into  practice  what  you  learn;  and 
after  that  what  you  can't  do  to  a  car  would  fill 
a  book! 

Well,  after  you  grab  this  sheaf  of  stage  bank 
notes  you  look  at  number  one  and  follow  the 
bird  that's  teaching  you  round  the  room  while 
he  reels  it  off.  I  guess  the  idea  of  you  hold- 
ing the  paper  is  to  check  him  up  if  he  makes 
a  mistake.  Anyways,  this  bird  let  me  in 
among  a  flock  of  busted-looking  pieces  of  ma- 
chinery and  begun  talking  fast.  At  first,  I 
didn't  get  him  at  all;  but  when  I  got  sort  of 
used  to  it  I  realized  he  was  saying  something 
like  this: 

"The  crank  shaft  is  a  steel  drop-forging  hav- 
ing arms  extending  from  center  of  shaft  ac- 
cording to  number  of  cylinders.  It  is  used  to 
change  the  reciprocating  movement  of  the  pis- 
ton into  a  rotary  motion  of  the  flywheel ;  it  has 
a  starting  handle  at  one  end  and  the  flywheel 
at  the  other,  as  you  observe,  We  will  now 
pass  on  to  the  exhaust  manifold,  which  is  gen- 
erally constructed  of  cast  iron ;  it  conducts  the 
burned  gases  from  the  exhaust  valve  .  .  ." 

"Hold  on!"  I  says.  "Exhaust  is  right!  I'm 
[41] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


exhausted  this  minute.  If  you  don't  mind  I'd 
like  to  sit  down  and  talk  sense,  instead  of  lis- 
tening to  a  phonograph  monologue  in  a  for- 
eign language." 

The  instructor  bird  seemed  sort  of  winded  by 
this;  but  he  got  a  couple  of  chairs  and  pretty 
soon  we  was  sitting  in  a  quiet  corner  talking 
like  we'd  both  been  on  the  same  circuit  for  five 
years. 

"Now  listen  here,  brother,"  I  says  real  ear- 
nest; "I  want  to  learn  this  stuff,  and  learn  it 
right !  And  I  want  you  to  stick  by  me  and  see 
me  through,  same  as  you  would  any  male  man 
that  come  in  here  to  learn  to  be  a  chauffeur. 
Now  take  it  easy  and  make  me  get  it,  and  I'll 
play  square  and  do  my  best  to  understand, 
without  no  nonsense." 

"Say,  you  bet  I  will,  Miss  La  Tour!"  says 
this  bird,  who,  married  or  not,  had  some  spirit 
in  him  yet.  "You  bet  I  will!  Yrou  see,  a  lot 
of  dames  come  in  here  just  because  they  ain't 
got  nothing  else  to  do.  And  you  yourself 
must  realize  that  a  guy  can  only  go  through 
the  motions  when  that's  all  they  want." 

Well,  I  could  see  that  plain  enough,  and 
from  then  on  we  got  along  like  a  new  team  of 
partners  with  equal  money  in  the  act  and  go- 

[42] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


ing  big  on  thirty  straight  weeks'  booking. 
And — believe  you  me — there  is  a  awful  lot  of 
interesting  things  about  a  auto;  only  you 
would  never  suspect  it  until  you  start  to  look 
at  what  is  under  the  hood  and  body.  As  to 
understanding  them  all,  you  couldn't  get  it 
all  off  of  no  twenty  sheets  of  yellow  paper,  nor 
twenty  hundred,  either!  It's  a  career,  really 
understanding  a  machine  is;  just  the  same  as 
being  a  expert  dancer.  The  guy  that  invented 
all  them  parts  and  got  them  working  together 
certainly  must  of  set  up  nights  doing  it. 

Well,  anyways,  after  two  hours  of  lapping 
up  this  dope  I  got  so's  I  could  actually  tell  the 
cam  shaft  from  the  crank  shaft  and  the  dif- 
ference between  a  cycle  and  a  cylinder,  which 
was  enough  for  one  day.  And  then  I  rode 
home  to  Ma. 

Actually  I  had  almost  forgot  to  be  miser- 
able about  Jim  for  two  whole  hours !  But  when 
I  got  home,  and  he  hadn't  phoned  to  apoligize 
yet,  it  all  came  back  over  me,  and  I  simply  felt 
that,  automobiles  and  enlistments  or  no,  I 
wanted  to  die — just  die!  I  cried  so  bad  that 
even  Ma  couldn't  make  me  mind,  and  I  was  so 
tired  I  couldn't  even  taste  the  hot  cakes  she 
had  fixed.      I  do  believe  Ma  would  think  of 

[43] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


cooking  something  tasty  if  the  world  was  com- 
ing to  a  end  the  next  minute.  She'd  be  afraid 
the  recording  angel  would  need  a  sandwich  and 
a  cup  of  hot  coffee  to  keep  him  going  while  he 
was  on  the  job. 

But,  anyways,  they  couldn't  do  nothing  to 
me,  or  get  me  to  go  to  the  Ritz  or  the  theater 
much  less  the  midnight  show;  but  the  last  did 
not  matter,  because  I  was  wore  out  and  asleep 
long  before.  And  so  Ma  had  to  telephone 
that  Miss  La  Tour  was  suddenly  ill  and  un- 
able to  appear.  I  made  her  swear  not  to  phone 
Jim  nor  let  him  in  nor  Roscoe,  the  publicity 
man,  if  they  was  to  come — not  on  no  account. 
And  so  I  slept — poor  child ! — worn  by  the  toss- 
ing of  the  cruel  ocean  of  life — do  you  get  me? 

Well,  next  morning  I  was  up  long  before 
Musette,  and  would  of  been  obliged  to  dress 
unaided,  only  for  Ma  never  having  got  used 
to  sleeping  late,  partly  on  account  of  her  al- 
ways taking  a  nap  just  after  the  matinee  per- 
formance when  with  the  circus,  and  still  con- 
tinuing the  habit.  So  Ma  give  me  my  coffee 
and  a  big  kiss,  and  promised  not  to  tell  Jim 
nothing  if  he  telephoned  and  I  set  off  to  be 
at  the  hospital  at  nine  A.  M.,  according  to  or- 
ders from  Miss  Lieutenant. 

[44] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


Well,  there  has  always  been  something  about 
a  hospital  I  didn't  care  for  much;  not  that  I 
have  went  to  many — only  the  night  Jim  got 
bit  by  the  alligator;  and  once,  when  me  and 
Jim  was  first  engaged,  he  had  a  dog  which  we 
had  to  take  to  the  dog  hospital.  But — believe 
you  me — this  St.  Timothy's  Hospital,  was 
quite  different  from  the  dog  hospital.  It  was  a 
whole  lot  more  like  a  swell  hotel,  with  porters 
and  bell  boys  and  clerks  and  elevators,  and 
everything  except  a  cafe,  as  far  as  I  could 
make  out;  and  I'm  not  sure  about  that,  but  I 
don't  suppose  they  had  it. 

I  was  so  scared  of  being  late  that  I  was  a 
little  early  and  had  to  wait  in  a  office.  Pretty 
soon  two  or  three  other  rookies  come  in;  and, 
being  ladies,  of  course  we  didn't  dare  to  speak 
to  each  other  at  first.  And  then  the  ladies  of 
the  Automobile  Service  commenced  coming  in, 
wearing  their  uniforms.  And  were  they  a 
fine-looking  lot?  They  were!  I  sure  did  wish 
I  had  a  right  to  that  costume ;  and  I  had  a  feel- 
ing that  my  heart  wouldn't  hurt  near  so  bad, 
even  when  thinking  of  Jim,  once  it  was  beat- 
ing under  that  snappy-looking  uniform  coat  in 
Uncle  Sam's  service — do  you  get  me? 

Well,  about  this  time  we  were  let  go  up- 
[45] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


stairs  in  one  of  them  regular  hotel  elevators, 
the  rookies  still  scared,  the  regular  members 
in  good  standing  talking  among  theirselves, 
though  several  spoke  to  me  nice  and  friendly; 
in  particular,  the  little  frowzy  one  which  had 
been  reading  the  book  the  day  before  in  the 
office,  but  wasn't  at  all  sloppy  in  her  uniform. 

Believe  you  me,  I  had  a  awful  funny  feeling 
in  the  middle  of  my  stomach  going  up  in  that 
elevator,  and  not  for  the  same  reason  as  the 
Metropolitan  Tower  or  any  of  them  tall  build- 
ings, either.  It  was  because  of  not  knowing 
what  was  ahead  of  me  and  preparing  for  the 
worst.  After  I'd  seen  the  kind  of  stuff  them 
lady  soldiers  had  to  learn  in  the  auto  shop,  it 
seemed  like  about  anything  might  be  expected 
of  them  in  a  mere  hospital.  So  I  got  myself 
all  braced  up  so's  if  I  had  to  cut  off'  a  leg,  or 
extract  a  tooth  or  anything,  I'd  be  able  to  go 
to  it  and  not  bat  an  eye-lash — not  outwardly, 
anyway. 

But  things  is  seldom  as  bad  as  you  figure  in 
advance — not  even  first-night  performances. 
And  the  stuff  which  was  actually  put  up  to  us 
was  simple  as  a  ordinary  one-step.  At  least, 
it  looked  so  from  a  distance.  By  distance  I 
mean  this:     When  the  nursing  instructor — a 

[46] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


lady  in  a  white  dress,  with  the  darndest-look- 
ing  little  soubrette  cap  stuck  'way  on  the  back 
of  her  head — when  she  stood  up  in  front  of  the 
lot  of  us  and  put  a  Velpeau  bandage — which  is 
French  for  sling,  I  guess,  and  looks  it — on  one 
of  the  lady  soldiers  who  was  acting  as  manne- 
quin, why,  it  looked  easy. 

While  she  was  putting  it  on  she  handed  us 
a  line  of  talk  something  like  that  bird  at  the 
auto  school,  only  not  so  fluent.  And  when 
she  got  through  it  was  up  to  the  rest  of  us  to 
put  the  Velpeau  bandages  on  each  other. 
Gawd  knows  it  was  no  cinch. 

First,  I  set  down,  and  a  girl  in  uniform 
asked  could  she  wrap  me  up.  Well,  it  just 
naturally  rumpled  my  Georgette  blouse;  but 
what's  a  blouse  to  a  patriot?  I  let  her  go  to 
it,  and  she  done  it  so  good  and  so  quick  that  it 
was  all  over  before  I  knew  it,  as  the  dentist 
says;  and  then  it  was  up  to  me.  Somebody 
give  me  a  nice  new  roll  of  bandage  and  told  me 
to  get  a  model. 

Well,  I  didn't  have  the  nerve  to  ask  any 
one,  me  being  so  new  and  the  name  Marie  La 
Tour  not  meaning  anything  to  nobody  here. 
And  so  here  was  me  standing  round  like  a  fool, 
not  knowing  how  to  commence,  when  up  comes 

[47] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


that  lady — her  which  had  been  so  sloppy  read- 
ing a  book  in  the  office. 

"Can't  I  be  your  model?"  she  offered,  and 
— believe  you  me — I  could  of  almost  cried,  I 
was  so  glad  to  have  somebody  take  notice  of 
me. 

I  liked  that  dame  more  each  time  I  seen  her; 
she  sure  was  refined.  Even  her  sloppiness  was 
refined— do  you  get  me? 

"Well,  as  to  real  work,  that  sheaf  of  yellow 
papers  up  to  the  auto  school  had  nothing  on 
the  bandaging  game  when  it  co  :e  to  under- 
standing it  properly.  Believe  you  me,  that 
bandage  had  a  will  of  its  own,  and  the  only  way 
to  make  it  mind  would  of  been  to  step  on  it  and 
kill  it.  But  after  a  little  I  managed  to  tic 
up  the  lady  pretty  good,  and  before  I  was 
done  I  had  my  mind  made  up  that  Musette  had 
lost  her  regular  job  and  was  going  to  be  a  ban- 
dage mannequin  from  that  P.  M.  on  until  I 
got  the  hang  of  the  thing. 

Well,  when  the  scramble  of  putting  on  the 
bandage  was  over  and  past,  we  was  told  that 
after  we  got  on  to  the  theory  we'd  be  sent  down 
to  the  Charity  Ward  for  two  solid  weeks  and 
practice  what  we'd  learned. 

Well,  I  thought,  if  I  ever  get  there  Gawd 
[48] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


help  the  charity  patients!  I  guess  the  two 
weeks  won't  qualify  me  for  the  Auto  Service. 
More  likely  I'll  he  ready  for  the  Battalion  of 
Death,  or  whatever  they  call  them  Russian 
women ! 

Well,  when  the  bandages  was  all  gathered 
up  we  was  dismissed,  as  they  call  it,  and  told  to 
report  for  drill  in  a  certain  place  in  the  park, 
it  being  a  fine  day. 

I  must  say  I  didn't  think  a  whole  lot  of  the 
hospital  end  of  the  game,  because  it  wasn't 
pleasant.  Of  course  I  had  no  intention  to  quit 
in  any  way,  but  it  sort  of  depressed  me,  what 
with  all  that  sickness  going  on  round  me  and 
the  talk  about  wounds  and  bandages.  And  so 
my  mind  wasn't  took  off  Jim,  like  it  was  by 
the  auto  work,  me  having  a  heart  which  needed 
a  little  bandaging — only  that  can't  be  done, 
of  course. 

rv 

Well,  on  the  way  home  I  cried  some  more. 
And  well  I  might.  For  when  I  got  there  had 
Jim  phoned?  He  had  not!  Nobody  but 
Goldringer,  the  manager,  and  Iioscoe,  the 
publicity  man,  and  a  few  unimportant  nuts  like 

[49] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


that,  and  some  of  the  newspapers.  Ma  had 
stalled  them  off  pretty  good  by  saying  it  was 
impossible  to  disturb  me. 

And  it  seems  these  people  hadn't  been  able 
to  locate  Jim  anywheres,  either.  At  first  that 
sounded  sort  of  funny  to  me ;  but  when  I  come 
to  think  it  over  I  realized  about  his  nose,  where 
the  alligator  had  bit  him  and  the  doctor  had  put 
on  the  brown  stuff,  from  which  he  wouldn't 
naturally  care  to  be  seen — only  no  one  could 
say  that  it  would  prevent  him  using  the  phone, 
which  I  also  realized. 

Well,  after  I  eat  a  little  liver  and  bacon, 
and  so  on,  which  Ma  had  fixed  for  me,  and  cried 
some,  which  made  me  feel  better  again,  I 
started  out  for  drill;  which  means  that  now 
comes  the  real  important  part  of  what  hap- 
pened and  the  true  measure  of  the  tale,  as  the 
poet  says, 

Well,  it  seems  we  rookies — and  I  must  pause 
to  mention  that  I  don't  like  that  word  rookies ; 
it  sounds  like  something  that  would  get  the 
hook  amateur  nights.  Well,  as  I  was  saying, 
we  rookies  was  told  to  report  at  three  o'clock 
for  a  private  drill,  all  of  our  very  own.  But 
I  was  on  to  the  fact  that  the  regular  members 
in  good  standing  would  be  there  ahead  of  us 

[50] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


to  do  well  what  we  was  about  to  do  badly.  So 
I  thought  I  would  go  early  and  sit  out  in 
front,  or  whatever  was  the  same  thing,  and  try 
and  get  a  line  on  how  it  was  done. 

Believe  you  me,  there  ain't  many  steps  I 
can't  get  by  seeing  them  done  once;  and  if  I 
was  to  of  gone  up  to  the  Palace  and  watch 
Castle,  or  Rock  and  White,  or  any  one  of 
them,  when  I  come  away  I  could  do  the  steps 
they  pulled  as  good  as  if  I  had  invented  them! 

Well,  this  was  my  idea  in  going  up  and  see- 
ing the  ladies  drill.  So  there  I  was  at  the  park 
bright  and  early  on  a  fine  sunny  afternoon, 
with  the  ladies  all  in  uniform.  But  I  wasn't 
in  any  too  much  time,  for  I'd  no  sooner  got 
there  than  a  big  roughneck  of  a  feller — a  regu- 
lar U.  S.  drill  sergeant,  I  found  out  after — 
come  up  and  yelled:  "Fall  in!"  Just  as  rude 
as  anv  siix^e  director  I  ever  seen!  But  the 
ladies  didn't  seem  to  mind  a  bit.  They  didn't 
fall  into  nothing  though;  they  just  hustled  into 
line  and  stood  there. 

"Ten-shun!"  says  the  feller.  And  they  all 
stood  like  a  chorus  when  the  stage  manager  is 
telling  them  he  is  going  to  quit  the  show  if  they 
don't  learn  no  better,  and  they're  a  bunch  of 

[51] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


fatheads,  and  he's  going  to  get  them  fired.  In 
other  words,  they  stood  perfectly  still. 

Well,  after  that  it  was  something  grand, 
what  those  ladies  did.  I  will  say  that  when  I 
come  down  to  the  park  that  afternoon  I 
thought  maybe  I'd  see  some  pretty  fair  chorus 
work;  you  know — formations,  and  etc.  But 
this  was  no  chorus  work,  it  was  soldiering.  I 
never  seen  anything  neater  in  my  life.  Was  it 
snappy?  It  was!  And  when  I  thought  how 
that  bunch  of  ladies  knew  all  about  autos  from 
soup  to  nuts,  and  about  bandages,  and  etc., 
believe  you  me — that  drill  was  the  finishing 
touch. 

For  once  in  my  life,  I  was  anxious  to  be  in 
the  chorus,  even  in  the  back  line.  Eut  not  for- 
ever— not  much!  Believe  you  me,  I  made  up 
my  mind  that,  once  I  was  really  in  it,  I  was 
going  to  work  for  a  speaking  part  like  I  never 
worked  before.  And  meantime  I  started  in 
that  direction  by  trying  to  figure  out  just  what 
the  ladies  did  when  the  stage  manager — I 
mean,  officer — hollered  at  them.  And — be- 
lieve you  me — I  had  the  turn-on-the-heel  and 
push-off-with-the-toe  idea  on  that  right-and- 
left  face  stuff  long  before  the  regular  members 

[52] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


in  good  standing  was  dismissed  and  we  lady 
rookies  was  called. 

Well,  the  same  roughneck  which  had  drilled 
the  others  had  us  simps  wished  on  to  him;  and 
the  first  thing  he  done  was  to  get  us  in  a  row 
— you  couldn't  properly  call  it  a  line — and  then 
stand  out  in  front  and  look  at  us  sort  of  hope- 
less and  discouraged,  like  a  good  director  which 
has  just  finished  with  a  bunch  of  old-timers 
and  is  starting  with  green  material  for  the  back 
row.     Then  he  commenced  talking. 

Well,  while  this  bird  was  getting  off  a  line 
of  talk  about  us  now  being  soldiers  of  the 
U.  S.  A.  and  that  being  no  joke  to  him  or  us, 
and  etc.,  and  etc.,  but  no  instructions  in  it,  I 
let  my  mind  wander  just  a  little,  on  account 
of  me  having  enlisted  for  deeper  reasons  than 
any  he  mentioned  and  him  quite  incapable  of 
strengthening  them. 

And  while  my  mind  wandered  this  little  bit, 
and  I  was  thinking  how  funny  it  felt  to  be  back 
in  the  chorus— do  you  get  me? — I  happened  to 
take  a  look  at  the  houses  facing  the  park.  And 
— believe  you  me — I  got  a  jolt,  for  there  we 
was  standing  right  opposite  Ruby  lloselle's 
house ! 

Well,  I  was  that  astonished  to  realize  it  you 
[53] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME' 


could  of  knocked  me  over  with  a  sudden  noise! 
Up  to  then  I  had  been  so  interested  in  the  other 
ladies  and  what  they  was  doing  I  hadn't  even 
noticed  it. 

And  then,  before  I  could  really  commence 
to  think  what  a  awful  thing  it  would  be  if  Ruby 
was  to  look  out  of  the  window  and  see  me 
standing  there,  and  think  I  was  just  in  some 
chorus,  and  maybe  that  nasty  Von  Hoffman 
with  her,  and  the  both  of  them  laughing  their 
fool  heads  off,  the  officer  says  "Ten-shun!"  he 
says.  And,  of  course,  I  tenshuned,  because 
of  me  being  anxious  to  get  everything  he  said 
when  it  come  to  instruction,  and  get  it  right. 

Well,  he  told  us  a  lot  of  dope  on  one  thing 
at  a  time  after  he  had  got  us  in  line,  with  the 
tallest  at  the  right  hand,  which  was  me.  And 
he  told  us  very  simple  and  then  made  us  do  it; 
and  no  camouflage,  because— believe  you  me — 
he  could  spot  any  lady  which  done  it  wrong 
quick  as  a  flash. 

I  will  say  he  didn't  have  a  whole  lot  of 
trouble  with  me,  partly  on  account  of  me  hav- 
ing had  similar  work  before,  and  also  my  feet 
taking  to  new  things  so  easy.  I5ut  it  took  me 
about  ten  ■  inutes  to  see  that  my  patent  Ox- 
fords, with  the  Looie  heels,  was  never  going 

[54] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


to  do  for  this  work.  Though  I  hate  to  say- 
it,  the  other  ladies  sure  did  bother  him  a  lot. 
They  eouldn't  seem  to  mind  quick  enough. 
And  he  had  a  lot  of  trouble  making  them  keep 
at  attention. 

Every  time  we'd  be  that  way,  just  to  show 
what  I  mean,  the  lady  next  to  me  would  forget 
and  powder  her  nose.  Oh,  that  wasn't  no  new 
sight  to  me!  I  seen  worse  in  my  day  until 
they  get  used  to  it.  But  did  that  officer  get 
mad?     He  did! 

"Whatter  ye  think  ye're  at?"  he  yells.  "A 
pink  tea?  Cut  that  stuff  now!  Attention  is 
attention  and  youse  is  standing  at  it,"  he  says. 
"The  worst  crime  youse  can  commit  is  move 
without  permission." 

And — believe  you  me — I  sympathized  with 
him,  I  did,  little  knowing  what  I  was  about  to 
do  next  my  ownself. 

Alas,  that  in  ladies  obedience  comes  so  much 
harder  than  following  out  a  impulse !  For  the 
officer  had  no  sooner  uttered  them  words,  and 
I  agreed  with  him,  than  I  went  back  on  him 
something  terrible. 

It  was  this  way:  As  I  explained,  we  was 
drilling  in  the  park,  and  not  alone  in  the  park 
but  also  opposite  Ruby  Roselle's  house.    Well, 

[55] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


of  course,  we  was  drilling  on  a  open  piece  of 
grass,  but  at  one  side  of  this  here  grass  was 
fancy  bushes;  you  know — hedges  and  what 
not.  And  me,  being  on  the  end  of  the  line, 
was  nearest  them  bushes. 

Well,  as  the  sergeant  was  speaking  I  seen 
something  move  under  one  of  them  bushes; 
and,  as  Heaven  is  my  witness,  there  was  that 
pro-German  alligator  which  had  bit  Jim  on  the 
nose  and  started  all  my  troubles.  There  he 
was,  walking  very  slowly,  gold-and-diamond 
collar  and  all,  and  by  his  lone  self,  with  no- 
body to  protect  him! 

Well,  I  never  stopped  to  think  or  salute,  or 
ask  nothing  of  nobody.  All  I  knew  for  the 
time  was  that  that  damn  alligator  had  some- 
how got  out  on  his  own,  and  that  this  was  the 
chance  of  a  lifetime.  So,  without  more  ado, 
I  fell  right  out  of  attention  and  rushed  over 
and  reached  into  the  bushes  and  grabbed  the 
alligator  by  the  tail. 

Well,  the  officer  hollered  something  at  me,  I 
don't  know  what,  and  all  the  ladies  commenced 
screaming.  And  was  I  scared  of  that  alliga- 
tor? I  was!  But  I  held  him  up  by  the  tail, 
and  it  didn't  take  me  two  minutes  to  find  out 

[56] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


that  he  couldn't  bite  me  that  way;  and  then 
my  scare  was  gone. 

I  felt  so  good  about  getting  him  I  didn't 
even  care  much  what  was  being  said  at  me  by 
the  drill  sergeant.  I  just  stood  there  holding 
tight  to  the  alligator's  tail  and  grinning  all  over 
myself.  But  up  come  Miss  Lieutenant,  who 
had  been  watching  our  drill — the  one  which  had 
signed  me  up — and  she  was  as  mad  as  a  hor- 
net, only  having  a  awful  time  trying  not  to 
laugh. 

"What's  this?"  she  says,  indignant. 

Fortunately  the  alligator  was  in  my  left 
hand;  so  I  saluted. 

"Enemy  alien  alligator!"  I  says. 

"Dismissed  from  the  ranks!"  she  says. 
"And  report  to  Sergeant  Warner  at  Head- 
quarters at  five  o'clock." 

Gee,  but  that  made  me  feel  bad!  But  she 
wouldn't  listen  to  no  explanations  at  all,  and 
there  was  nothing  for  me  to  do  except  walk 
off  to  where  the  limousine  was  waiting.  And, 
in  a  way,  I  was  glad,  because  suppose  Ruby 
had  of  looked  out  and  saw  the  alligator  in  my 
hand !    I  couldn't  of  got  away  with  him. 

As  things  went,  I  got  him  safe  into  the  lim- 
ousine.      And — believe     you     me — I     didn't 

[57] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


dare  set  him  down  for  a  minute  for  fear  of  his 
trying  to  get  even  with  me;  and  so  I  was 
obliged  to  hold  him  at  arm's  length  until  we 
got  home,  which  it  is  a  good  thing  that  it  wasn't 
very  far. 

Well,  when  we  got  home  you  ought  to  of 
seen  the  elevator  boys  get  out  of  the  way!  I 
walked  in  holding  on  to  the  alligator;  and  once 
I  got  to  the  flat  there  was  Ma  sitting  in  the 
Looie-the-IIead- Waiter  drawing-room,  read- 
ing a  cook-book.  When  she  seen  what  I  had 
I  must  say  that  for  once  she  acted  kind  of  sur- 
prised. 

Of  course,  she  ain't  usually  surprised,  not 
after  her  having  twice  seen  sudden  death  in  the 
center  ring,  and  the  circus  went  on  just  the 
same.  But  alligators  coming  in  unexpected  is 
rather  out  of  the  usual.  So  Ma  marked  her 
place  at  sauces  for  fish,  and  took  oil  her  glasses 
so's  she  could  see  good,  and  give  me  the  kind 
of  stare  she  used  to  hand  out  when  I  got  dirt 
on  my  Sunday-school  dress. 

"Why,  Mary  Gilligan!"  she  says,  ''For  the 
land's  sakes,  where  did  you  get  that?" 

"Caught  it  on  the  wing!"'  I  says,  very  sarcas- 
tic, on  account  of  my  arm  being  nearly  broke. 
"Can  vou  cook  it  for  supper?"  I  says. 

[58] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


"Well,"  she  says.  "I  guess  I  can.  What  is 
it?     A  mock  turtle?" 

"It's  a  pro-German  alligator,"  I  says.  "And 
if  you'll  just  kindly  help  me  instead  of  stand- 
ing there  staring  at  it,  we'll  intern  it  some  place 
so's  I  can  leave  my  arm  get  a  rest." 

Well,  we  certainly  had  a  fierce  time  finding 
something  to  put  him  in,  owing  to  us  not  being 
able  to  agree  about  what  kind  of  a  place  he 
belonged.  Ma  was  all  for  the  goldfish  bowl, 
claiming  it  was  his  native  element;  and  Mu- 
sette, who  come  in,  thought  the  canary  cage 
was  better.  But,  realizing  he  couldn't  jump 
very  high,  I  had  them  get  a  big  hat-box,  and 
set  him  in  that. 

"And  now  what  are  you  going  to  do  with 
him?"  says  Ma  as  we  all  stood  'round  looking 
at  him;  and  my  two  fool  dogs  barking  their 
heads  off  on  account  of  a  mistaken  idea  they 
had  that  he  was  a  new  pet.  "What  are  you 
going  to  do  with  him?"  says  Ma. 

"Unless  you  cook  him,  I  don't  know,"  I 
says — "except  for  one  thing:  I'm  going  to  take 
that  gold-and-diamond  collar  offen  that  brute 
and  sell  it  and  give  the  money  to  the  American 
Red  Cross;  and  I'm  going  to  do  it  now!" 

Believe  you  me,  I  was  mad  at  that  alligator! 
[59] 


BELIEVE  YOU  WE! 


And  no  wonder!  Just  look  at  all  the  trouble 
he  made  me !  So  I  didn't  waste  any  time  get- 
ting action  against  him.  First  off,  I  per- 
suaded Ma,  who  was  real  brave,  to  hold  a  ice 
pick  down  on  his  nose  good  and  firm,  so's  he 
couldn't  open  his  face.  Then  I  managed, 
after  a  lot  of  trouble,  to  get  that  be  jeweled 
sinful  collar  off  his  neck.  And  was  it  a  swell 
collar?     It  was! 

As  soon  as  I  had  it  off  we  just  left  that 
alligator  interned  in  the  hatbox  and  looked  the 
collar  over  good.  It  was  made  all  of  a  piece 
and  the  jewels  were  certainly  wonderful.  I 
know  quite  a  lot  about  them,  me  and  Ma  al- 
ways having  invested  that  way  when  we  had 
a  little  extra  cash. 

Well,  as  we  was  looking  the  stones  over 
carefully,  I  happened  to  rub  one  which  was 
close  to  the  snap,  sort  of  sideways,  and  right 
off  something  happened:  That  there  collar 
parted — yes,  sir;  parted! — the  lining  from  the 
outside,  and  in  the  place  between  the  setting 
and  the  inside  frame  was  a  couple  of  thin  slips 
of  paper! 

Well — believe  you  me — it  didn't  take  me 
long  to  get  the  idea;  not  after  having  a  father 
and  a  mother  which  had  been  in  the  circus  and 

[00] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


had  to  think  quick,  and  me  having  heen  asso- 
ciated with  dramatic  stuff  all  my  life — do  you 
get  me  ?     You  do ! 

What  with  that  collar  having  come  off  a 
alligator  which  I  was  already  convinced  was 
a  pro-German,  and  knowing  Von  Hoffman 
had  give  it  to  Ruby  Roselle,  and  got  her  to 
sing  Overseas  in  that  nasty  costume  made  out 
of  the  national  colors,  which  should  never  be 
done,  I  seen  everything  clear.  Von  Hoffman 
had  a  German  job  of  some  kind! 

And  when  I  unfolded  those  papers  and  seen 
they  was  full  of  funny  little  marks  like  a  ste- 
nographer makes  and  then  can't  read,  I  real- 
ized that  I  had  happened  in  on  it ;  and  so  will 
any  intelligent  public. 

Well,  was  Ma  and  Musette  full  of  ques- 
tions? They  was!  But  I  didn't  wait  to  an- 
swer none  of  them ;  for  I  realized,  also,  that  it 
was  almost  five  o'clock,  and  I  was  supposed  to 
report  at  Headquarters  for  a  bawling-out  at 
that  time.  And,  after  me  having  broken  the 
rules  once,  I  had  no  wish  to  do  it  a^ain  so  soon. 

Well,  I  just  grabbed  up  the  collar  and  the 
papers,  and  a  clean  pair  of  gloves,  as  the  alli- 
gator had  completely  ruined  what  I  had,  and, 
having  on  my  hat,  waited  not  to  explain,  but 

[61] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


made  a  dash  for  the  street.  And  by  a  big  piece 
of  luck  there  was  the  limousine,  still  stand- 
ing outside  on  account  of  I  having  forgot  to 
tell  John  to  go.  Well,  I  told  him  "Head- 
quarters!" and  off  we  started;  and  I  got  there 
just  on  the  dot  of  five  o'clock. 

Well,  Miss  Lieutenant  was  there,  and  a  Miss 
Sergeant— the  one  I  was  reporting  to — and 
that  frowzy-looking  lady  I  have  spoke  of  be- 
fore, and  several  other  ladies,  still  in  their  uni- 
forms. And  while  I  was  explaining,  in  comes 
the  captain,  which  she  certainly  is  a  smart 
woman.  And  they  all  listened  while  I  re- 
ported and  told  the  whole  story  about  Ruby 
and  me  and  Jim  and  Von  Hoffman  and  the 
alligator.  Then  I  saluted  and  handed  over 
said  collar  and  papers  in  evidence;  and  then 
the  captain  spoke  up : 

"This  material,  which  is  undoubtedly  in  a 
foreign  code,  will  be  of  interest  to  the  Secret 
Service,"  she  says.  "This  Von  Hoffman  is 
probably  one  of  those  persons  who  are  active 
in  the  obviously  deliberate  effort  to  cheapen 
and  degrade  the  quality  of  our  patriotism," 
she  says;  "for  I  have  heard  that  is  part  of  the 
German  propaganda  here. 

"Private  La  Tour,  in  view  of  the  unusual 
[02] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


circumstances,  you  are  excused  for  your  action 
in  leaving  ranks  without  permission,"  she 
says;  "but  next  time  remember  to  get  your 
salute  recognized,"  she  says— "even  under  ex- 
treme conditions." 

Then  she  went  on,  and  she  says: 

"I  understand  you  have  given  your  car," 
she  says.  "Some  member  in  uniform  will  take 
this  evidence  downtown  in  Private  La  Tour's 
car,"  she  says,  "which  we  now  accept  for  the 
service." 

Then  she  walked  into  her  office,  which  said 
Private  on  it,  and  closed  the  door;  and  I 
watched  one  of  the  ladies  in  uniform  go  away, 
with  the  collar  and  the  papers,  in  my  limousine. 

And  after  she  had  went  I  got  a  terrible 
scare,  for  it  come  over  me  all  of  a  sudden  that 
I  hadn't  even  a  nickel  change  on  me  to  buy  car 
fare  home! 

Well,  just  as  I  was  standing  there  won- 
dering how  I  was  going  to  hoof  it  after  the 
trying  day  I  had  had,  that  frowzy  lady  comes 
up  to  me,  real  kind,  like  she  could  almost  see 
what  I  was  thinking  of;  and  she  says: 

"May  I  take  you  home  in  my  car,  Miss  La 
Tour?"  she  says.     "I  have  seen  you  dance  so 

[63] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


often  that  I  feel  as  though  I  knew  you.  I  am 
Mrs.  Pieter  van  Norden." 

Just  get  that,  will  you,  will  you?  Her  that 
I  had  been  modeling  myself  on  for  refinement 
for  years!  And — would  you  believe  it? — on 
the  way  home  she  told  me  she  had  been  trying 
to  dance  like  me  since  the  first  time  she  seen  me ! 

Well— believe  you  me — I  felt  so  good  over 
this,  and  over  having  got  the  goods  on  Von 
Hoffman,  and  about  being  excused  for  mak- 
ing that  bad  break  at  drill,  and  not  getting 
fired  out  of  the  Automobile  Service,  that  I 
only  commenced  feeling  bad  about  Jim  and  me 
again  after  Mrs.  Van  Xorden  had  left  me  at 
the  door  of  my  place,  and  I  was  going  up  in 
the  elevator. 

As  I  was  letting  myself  in  writh  my  key  I 
got  so  low  in  my  mind  again  that  I  felt  I  would 
just  die  if  Jim  hadn't  phoned;  and  I  knew  he 
hadn't,  for  I'd  given  up  hope.  Well,  I 
opened  the  door  and  went  in.  And  then  I 
got  another  shock;  for  right  in  the  middle  of 
the  drawing-room  stood  Jim. 

Well,  first  off,  I  didn't  know  him  on  account 
of  him  being  in  khaki;  but  when  he  turned 
around  I  nearly  died  for  sure!  But  I  didn't 
actually  die.     What  I  done  is  nobody's  busi- 

[64] 


LADIES  ENLIST 


ness  but  mine  and  Jim's.  But  I  will  say  it  was 
a  second  lieutenant-of-aviation  uniform;  and 
they  show  powder  on  the  shoulder  something 
terrible. 

And  he  had  been  studying  for  months;  and 
that's  where  he  was  every  afternoon,  and  not 
out  with  some  blonde,  and  wouldn't  tell  me  for 
fear  he  wouldn't  get  it! 

And  I'm  going  to  dance  alone  at  night  until 
he  comes  back,  and  all  day  drive  a  truck  or 
something  to  release  a  man.  And  that's  the 
whole  inside  story  of  the  split,  which  is  now 
readily  seen  is  not  a  fight  at  all,  at  least  not  yet 
for  we  got  married  at  once. 

So,  only  one  thing  more:  Regarding  that 
alligator,  Ma  decided  he  would  be  too  hard  to 
cook.  So  Jim  took  him  to  camp  for  a  mascot, 
and  by  the  time  he  got  through  there  he  learned 
to  understand  American — believe  you  me ! 


[65} 


II 

PRO  BOXEHEAD  PUBLICO 


Ain't  it  remarkable  the  way  the  war  has 
changed  the  way  we  look  at  a  whole  lot  of 
things?  Take  wrist-watches  for  one.  Before 
the  military  idea  was  going  so  strong  on  its 
present  booking  but  a  little  while,  wrist- 
watches  had  grabbed  off  a  masculine  standing 
for  themselves,  and  six  months  before  no  real 
man  would  of  been  willingly  found  dead  in 
one! 

Then  take  newspapers!  Oncet  we  used  to 
look  at  them  for  news,  and  now  we  just  look 
at  them.  It's  kind  of  a  nervous  habit,  I  guess. 
And  take  simple  little  things  like  coal  and 
sugar.  Why  once  we  paid  no  attention  to 
them  and  now  we  look  at  them  real  respectful 
— when  we  see  them.  Which  leads  me  on  to 
say  that  the  war  has  brought  us  to  look  at  a 
great  many  things  we  never  even  seen  before, 

[GG] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


not  if  they  was  right  under  our  noses.  That's 
how  I  come  to  see  that  letter  from  the  W.S.S. 
Committee — and  would  to  Heaven  I  had  not, 
as  the  poet  says.  For  although— believe  you 
me — most  of  the  mail  order  goods  a  person 
buys  is  pretty  apt  to  be  as  rep.  because  why 
would  a  customer  write  again  which  had  been 
stung  once,  and  thrift  stamps  is  no  exception, 
it  certainly  will  be  a  long  time  before  I  fall  so 
easy  for  anything  the  postman  slips  me.  Next 
time  I'll  recognize  that  his  whistle  is  a  note 
of  warning  to  more  than  them  which  has  un- 
paid bills,  which  I  have  not  and  so  never  lis- 
tened for  him. 

Well,  anyways,  the  time  this  little  trouble 
maker  reached  my  side,  I  had  slipped  into  a 
simple  little  lounging  suit  of  pink  georgette 
pajamas,  and  was  lying  on  the  day-bed  in  a 
regular  wallow  of  misery  on  account  of  won- 
dering if  Jim  was  dead  on  the  gory  fields  of 
France,  or  was  it  only  the  censor — do  you  get 
me?  I  was  laying  there  rubbing  a  little  cold 
cream  onto  my  nose  and  thinking  how  would 
it  feel  to  be  always  able  to  do  so  without  los- 
ing my  husband's  love,  which,  of  course,  would 
mean  he  had  died  at  the  front,  when  in  comes 
Ma  with  a  couple  of  letters.     I  give  one  shriek 

[67] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


and  sprung  to  my  feet,  like  a  regular  small- 
time drama,  and  grabbed  them  off  her,  cold 
cream  and  all.  And  then  slunk  back  upon  the 
day-bed  and  despair  when  I  seen  they  weren't 
from  Jim.  Ma  stood  there  with  her  hands  on 
her  hips  until  she  seen  I  wasn't  going  to  break 
any  bad  news  to  her,  when  she  left  me  in  peace 
to  read  them.  That  is  she  meant  to,  but  be- 
lieve you  me,  it  was  far  from  it  as  Ma  went 
into  our  all-paid-for  gold  furnished  parlour 
and  commenced  playing  on  the  pianola  which 
Jim  had  give  me  for  a  souvenir  before  he 
sailed,  and  Ma,  being  sort  of  heavy  and  strong, 
after  twenty-five  years  with  a  circus,  she  has  a 
fierce  touch. 

Well,  anyways,  after  she  had  got  "Soft  and 
Low"  going  strong  with  the  loud  pedal  and  no 
expression,  I  opened  the  first  envelope.  It  was 
my  copy  of  my  new  contract  with  Goldringer 
all  signed  and  everything  and  calling  for  only 
twenty  minutes  of  my  first  class  A-l  parlour 
dancing  act  in  his  new  musical  show  at  the 
Springtime  Garden  entitled  "Go  To  It"  and 
which  let  all  persons  know  that  the  party  of 
the  first  part  hereinafter  called  the  manager 
was  willing  and  able  to  pay  Miss  Marie  La 
Tour,  party  of  the  second  ditto,  one  thousand 

[68] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


dollars  a  week.  Which  certainly  was  some 
party  to  look  foreward  to  and  scarcely  any 
work  to  speak  of,  a  refined  act  like  mine  not 
calling  for  over  three  handsprings  and  some 
new  steps,  which  is  second  nature  to  me  and  I 
generally  make  up  a  few  every  night  for  my 
own  amusement  same  as  some  of  those  fellows 
which  play  the  piano  by  hand — do  you  get  me? 

Well,  anyways,  when  I  had  looked  the  con- 
tract over  good  and  seen  it  really  was,  as  I 
had  before  realized  in  the  office,  more  than  sat- 
isfaetonr,  I  salted  it  away  in  my  toy  safe  which 
was  nicely  built  into  the  mantel-piece  for  the 
greater  convenience  of  burglars,  and  then  I  re- 
membered the  other  envelope.  All  unsuspect- 
ing as  a  table  d'hote  guest,  I  opened  the  en- 
velope, and  then  almost  dropped  dead. 

It  was  from  President  Wilson! 

Believe  you  me,  I  leaned  up  against  the  art- 
gray  wall  paper  and  prepared  to  faint  after  I 
had  read  the  news.  But  instead  of  commenc- 
ing, "I  regret  to  inform  you  of  the  death  in 
battle,"  or  something  like  that,  it  started: 

"The  White  House, 
"Washington,  D.  C. 
"I  earnestly  appeal  to  everv  man,  woman 
[69] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


and  child  to  pledge  themselves  to  save  con- 
stantly and  to  buy  as  regularly  as  possible  the 
securities  of  the  Government;  and  to  do  this 
as  far  as  possible  through  membership  in  War 
Savings  Societies. 

"The  man  who  buys  War  Savings  Stamps 
transfers  his  purchasing  power  to  the  United 
States  Government. 

"May  there  be  none  unenlisted  in  the  great 
volunteer  army  of  production  and  saving  here 
at  home. 

"Woodrow  Wilson." 

Woodrow  Wilson!  Signed — and  addressed 
to  me!  Of  course  it  didn't  exactly  begin 
"Dear  Miss  La  Tour"  or  anything  like  that, 
and  he  had  signed  it  with  a  rubber  stamp  or 
something  which  I  did  not  hold  against  him 
in  the  least,  me  realizing  at  once  what  a  busy 
man  he  must  be.  But  coming  as  it  done  in- 
stead of  a  death-notice  which  I  had  by  this 
time  fully  expected  after  no  letter  for  over  a 
month,  it  got  to  me  very  strong.  It  made  me 
feel  all  of  a  sudden  that  I  was  a  pretty  punk 
patriot  lounging  around  in  pink  georgette 
pajamas  which — believe  you  me — is  no  cos- 
tume for  war-work  and  felt  like  going  right 

[70] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  TUBLICO 


off  and  borrowing  one  of  the  gingham  house- 
dresses  which  I  have  never  been  able  to  break 
Ma  of,  only,  of  course,  it  would  of  been  too 
big  and  anyways  what  would  I  of  done  after 
I  had  it  pinned  around  me?  Which  could  be 
said  of  a  whole  lot  of  folks  which  were  rush- 
ing into  uniforms  of  their  own  inventing. 

Well,  anyways,  after  the  first  shock  was 
over,  I  seen  there  was  an  enclosure  with  the 
President's  letter.  This  was  from  some  com- 
mittee which  had  a  big  W.S.S.  lable  printed 
at  the  top  and  a  piece  out  of  the  social  regis- 
ter printed  underneath,  and  was  dated  X.  Y. 
It  begun  more  personal. 

"Dear  Miss  La  Tour,"  it  said.  "As  a 
woman  so  prominent  in  the  theatrical  world, 
we  feel  sure  that  you  would  be  glad  to  take 
an  active  interest  in  the  great  Thrift  movement 
which  is  now  before  the  country.  "Will  you  not 
form  a  theatrical  women's  committee  that  will 
pledge  the  sale  of  twenty-five  thousand  dol- 
lars' worth  of  stamps  on  the  first  of  the  month? 
The  first  of  every  month  will  be  observed  as 
Thrift  Stamp  Day,  and  we  will  be  glad  to  fur- 
nish you  with  all  literature,  stamps,  etc.,  if 
you  will  notify  headquarters  of  your  willing- 
ness to  do  this  work." 

[71] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


The  letter  was  signed  by  some  guy  which  it 
was  impossible  to  read  his  name  because  he 
hadn't  used  no  rubber  stamp  but  did  it  by  hand 
and  had  other  things  on  his  mind.  But  did  I 
care?  I  did  not!  Believe  you  me,  I  had  al- 
ready decided  to  do  like  he  asked,  and  why 
would  I  need  to  know  his  name  when  I  wasn't 
going  to  write  to  him  anyways,  but  to  Mr.  Wil- 
son? Dancing  as  long  as  I  have  which  is  about 
fifteen  years  or  since  I  could  walk,  pretty  near, 
and  not  only  professionally  but  drawing  my 
own  contracts  from  the  time  most  sweet  young 
things  is  thinking  over  their  graduation 
dresses,  I  have  learned  one  thing,  if  no  other. 
Always  do  business  with  the  boss,  llefuse  to 
talk  to  all  office  boys,  get  friendly  with  the 
lady  stenographer,  if  there  is  one,  but  do  all 
business  with  the  one  at  the  head — and  no 
other!  This  motto  has  saved  me  no  end  of 
time  which  has  been  spent  in  healthy  exercise 
under  my  own  roof  and  Ma's  eagle  eye,  which 
otherwise  might  have  wore  out  the  seats  of 
outside-office  chairs. 

And  so  I  concluded  that  I'd  sit  right  down 
that  minute  and  let  Mr.  Wilson  know  I  was 
on  the  job.  I  knew  I  had  some  writing  paper 
someplace  and  after  I  had  took  a  lot  of  pow- 

[72] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


der  and  chamois  and  old  asperin  tablets  out  of 
the  desk  I  dug  it  up: — a  box  of  handsome 
velour-finish  tinted  slightly  pink,  with  en- 
velopes to  match.  And  I  got  hold  of  a  pen 
and  some  ink  which  Musette,  my  maid,  had 
overlooked,  she  being  a  great  writer  to  her 
young  man  which  is  French  and  Gawd  knows 
how  fluent  she  writes  him  in  it,  only  of  course 
being  born  over  there  certainly  makes  a  differ- 
ence. 

Well,  anyways,  I  cleaned  off  the  desk  and 
rubbed  the  cream  off  my  nose  and  hands  and 
set  down  to  write  that  letter.  And — believe 
you  me — it  was  some  job.  I  guess  I  must 
of  commenced  a  dozen  times  and  tore  them 
up  with  formal  openings — do  you  get  me? 
And  then  I  realized  that  the  box  of  pink  tinted 
was  getting  sort  of  low  and  I  had  better  waste 
not  want  not,  and  so  determined  to  just  be 
natural  in  what  I  wrote  but  not  take  up  his 
time  with  too  long  a  letter.  So  at  last  I  threw 
in  the  clutch,  gave  myself  a  little  gas,  and  we 
was  off,  to  this  effect. 

"My  dear  Mr.  Wilson:— 

"Many  thanks  for  yours  of  the  25th  inst. 
Will  at  once  get  busy  at  helping  to  make  the 

[73] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


first  of  the  month  savings  day  instead  of  un- 
paid-bill day. 

"Cordially, 

"Marie  La  Tour." 

This  seemed  refined  and  to  the  point,  and 
although  I  was  awful  tempted  to  put  a  P.S. 
asking  did  they  know  anything  about  Jim,  I 
left  off  on  account  of  me  not  believing  in  ask- 
ing personal  favors  of  the  Government  just 
now,  as  the  war  office  was  probably  medium 
busy  and  the  Censor  might  answer  first,  at 
that.  So  I  just  sealed  it  up  as  it  was,  and 
about  then  Ma  left  off  playing  on  my  souvenir 
and  came  in  with  a  pink  satin  boudoir  cap  down 
tight  over  her  head.  Ma  just  can't  seem  to  get 
over  the  idea  that  boudoir  caps  at  five  dollars 
and  up  per  each  is  a  sort  of  de  lux  housework 
garment. 

"I'm  just  going  in  the  kitchen  and  beat  up 
a  few  cakes  for  lunch,"  said  Ma,  and  with- 
drew, leaving  me  to  lick  on  three  cents  and 
shoot  the  letter  fatefully  and  finally  down  the 
drop  near  the  gilt-bird-cage  elevator  of  our 
home-like  little  flat.  I  felt  awfully  relieved 
and  chesty  somehow  when  it  was  done  and  with 
her  good  news  ringing  in  my  ears.    For  Ma  is 

[74] 


TOO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


certainly  some  cook,  and  she  lias  it  all  over  our 
chef,  who — believe  you  me — knows  she  would 
never  be  missed  if  she  went  although  Ma  sim- 
ply can't  learn  to  stay  out  of  the  kitchen.  And 
while  she  was  busy  with  the  butter  and  eggs 
and  sugar  and  wheat  flour,  I  was  deciding  to 
call  a  committee,  because  I  knew  that  was  the 
way  you  generally  start  raising  twenty-five 
thousand  dollars  worth  of  anything,  except  a 
personal  note. 

Committee  meetings  is  comparative  strang- 
ers to  me  except  the  White  Kittens  Annual 
Ball,  and  a  few  benefit  performances  which 
last  is  usually  for  the  benefit  of  those  which 
are  to  be  in  it,  they  leaving  aside  all  considera- 
tion of  the  benefit  of  the  audience  much  less  of 
the  charity  it  is  supposed  to  be  for,  and 
the  main  idea  being  how  long  each  actor  can 
hold  the  spotlight.  You  may  have  noticed 
how  these  benefit  performances  runs  on  for 
hours. 

Well,  anyways,  I  having  been  to  several 
such  as  of  course  the  best  known  parlour  danc- 
ing act  in  America  and  the  world,  like  mine 
undoubtedly  is,  is  never  overlooked.  And  I 
knew  we  had  to  get  a  place  with  a  big  table 
and  chairs  set  around  it  and  then  the  commit- 

[75] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


tee  was  started.  So  the  White  Kittens  always 
having  met  in  the  Grand  Ball  Room  of  the 
Palatial  Hotel,  I  called  up  the  place  and  hired 
the  room  for  the  next  morning  at  twelve- 
thirty,  me  being  determined  that  my  Theatrical 
Ladies  Committee  should  get  there  directly 
after  breakfast.  The  cost  of  the  room  was  one 
hundred  dollars,  and  I  didn't  know  was  the 
Government  to  pay  it  or  us,  but  I  was,  of 
course,  willing  to  do  it  myself  if  necessary. 
Anyways  it  was  a  committee-room,  I  knew 
that  by  reason  of  my  having  sat  in  it  as  such 
at  least  twice  each  year  since  the  place  was  built 
— way  back  in  '13.  Then  all  I  had  to  do  was 
get  my  committee. 

I  had  just  about  dived  for  the  telephone  book 
to  see  who  would  I  call  up,  when  INI  a  come  in, 
taking  off  the  pink  satin  cap  and  wiping  her 
face. 

"I  made  a  omlette!"  said  Ma.  "Come  catch 
it  before  it  falls!" 

And  so  I  called  it  the  noon-whistle  though 
some  might  of  called  it  a  day,  and  we  went  in 
and  while  we  ate  only  a  simple  little  lunch  of 
the  omlette  (which  we  got  at  first  base)  and 
liver  and  bacon  and  cold  roast  beef  and  a  few 
stewed  prunes  with  the  fresh  cake,  I  told  Ma 

T76] 


PRO  BOXEHEAD  PUBLICO 


about  what  had  happened,  and  how  I  had  al- 
ready got  after  the  job. 

"Well,  Mary  Gilligan,  you  done  the  right 
thing!"  said  Ma.  "And  what  kind  of  costume 
are  you  going  to  wear?" 

"The  notices  don't  say  anything  about  a  uni- 
form," I  explained  to  her.  "And  I'm  pretty 
sure  you  don't  need  any.  This  is  the  sort  of 
thing  our  leading  society  swells  are  taking  up 
so  heavy,"  I  says,  "and  to  do  it  is  not  only  pa- 
triotic but  feminine  to  the  core,"  I  says. 

"Will  you  have  to  stand  on  the  street-cor- 
ners and  worry  the  life  out  of  folks?"  Ma 
wanted  to  know. 

"Not  much!"  I  says.  "That  stuff  is  for  the 
noi-poli  and  idle  rich  and  kids  and  unemployed. 
That's  where  some  of  the  new  democracy  comes 
in.  Us  with  brains  is  to  do  the  office  work. 
Them  with  good  hearts  only  can  do  theirselves 
and  the  country  more  service  in  the  stores  and 
street-cars  selling  something  that  don't  belong 
to  them,"  I  says,  "and — believe  you  me — I  bet 
any  American  gets  a  funny  sensation  doing 
that  little  thing." 

Ma  looked  real  impressed  for  a  minute, 
showing  she  hadn't  any  idea  what  I  was  talk- 
ing about.     Then  she  come  back  to  her  main 

[77] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


idea  with  which  she  had  started  which  you  can 
bet  she  always  does  until  she  gets  through  with 
it  her  own  self. 

"Well,  I  think  you  ought  to  have  something 
for  a  uniform,"  she  says.  "Say  a  cap  and 
maybe  a  trench  coat!" 

"I  wouldn't  wear  no  trench  coat  around  the 
Forty-Second  Street  and  Broadway  trenches," 
I  says.  "I  wouldn't  actually  have  the  nerve 
to  insult  the  army  like  that!" 

And  Ma  seen  what  I  meant  and  said  no  more 
which  it  certainly  is  remarkable  how  good  we 
get  on  for  Mother  and  daughter. 

So  she  only  urged  me  to  have  another  cream- 
cake,  which  I  took  and  then  I  made  for  the 
phone  and  started  calling  up  some  ladies  to 
form  the  committee  out  of.  After  thinking 
the  matter  over  very  careful  I  finally  decided 
on  six  of  the  most  prominent  in  my  line  which 
was.  of  course,  the  Dahlia  sisters  which  had 
been  often  on  the  same  bill  with  me  and,  of 
course,  they  ain't  really  related — no  such  team 
work  as  theirs  was  ever  pulled  by  members  of 
the  same  family,  unless  maybe  when  knocking 
some  absent  member — do  you  get  me?  Well, 
anyways,  beside  them  I  got  Madame  Clemen- 
tina Broun,  the  well  known  Lady  Baritone, 

rrs] 


PRO  BOXEIIEAD  PUBLICO 


she  being  a  rather  substantial  party  which 
would  give  weight  to  us  in  cabaret  circles.  Of 
course  Pattie  The  Dancer  had  to  be  asked,  she 
being  so  prominent  especially  as  to  her  tights 
and  strong  pull  with  Goldringer  but  I  only 
done  it  out  of  diplomacy,  which  any  one  knows 
committees  has  to  have  a  lot  of.  And  she  is 
less  diplomatic  than  me  as  well,  for  instead  of 
just  accepting  for  her  own  self  she  accepts  also 
for  some  friends  which  I  had  not  invited,  and 
she  did  not  name.  Pattie  is  alias  Mrs.  Fred 
Hutchins — him  who  gets  up  those  reviews — 
you  know — which  is  the  only  reason  she  is 
starred  in  them  for  Gawd  only  knows  a  child 
which  had  been  started  anywheres  near  right 
could  of  done  her  steps  at  the  age  of  seven, 
they  being  mere  hard-sole  clog  with  no  arm 
movements  but  having  a  great  many  imitators 
among  college  boys  and  such,  that  scare-crow 
stuff  being  as  showy  as  it  is  easy. 


Well,  anyways,  when  I  had  got  this  far  I 
had  one  vacancy  on  my  hands  and  as  our  Al- 
lies was  not  sufficiently  represented  so  far,  de- 
cided on  Mile.  DuChamps  which  of  course  she 
was  really  born  in  Paris,  Indiana,  but  as  a 
toe-dancer  is  unequalled  in  any  language  and 

[T9] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


has  a  lovely  broken  accent.  So  there  we  had 
France.  Madame  Clementia  was  married  to 
a  Italian  and  he  being  dead  or  something  I 
never  asked  what  I  felt  she  was  a  safe  Ally  be- 
cause she  couldn't  of  revolted,  not  if  a 
schrapnel  was  to  have  went  off  under  her. 
Pattie  was  of  course  Irish  and  the  Dahlias' 
Jewish,  and  Gawd  knows  what  the  other  girl 
wras  and  I  didn't  care. 


II 

When  they  had  all  promised  to  get  their- 
selves  waked  up  on  time  and  be  over  to  the  Pa- 
latial, 1  kind  of  weakened  on  Ma's  suggestion 
about  clothes.  Of  course  I  wasn't  going  to 
fall  for  that  uniform  stuff,  but  when  me  and 
Musette  looked  over  my  clothes  I  simply 
didn't  have  a  thing  to  wear.  Every  one  of 
my  dresses  was  too  morning  or  evening 
or  something  and  above  all  things  I  do 
believe  in  dressing  a  part,  and  certainly  I 
had  nothing  which  looked  like  a  chairmaness. 
So  after  getting  into  a  simple  little  sports  cos- 
tume of  violet  satin  and  my  summer  furs,  and 
taking  a  peep  into  the  mail  box  to  see  had  any- 
thing got  by  the  censor  vet  which  of  course  it 

[80] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


hadn't,  I  started  out  to  buy  me  something 
which  would  be  quiet  but  tasty  and  snappy  be- 
cause nothing  inspires  respect  in  a  ladies  com- 
mittee like  a  dress  none  of  them  has  seen  be- 
fore. 

Have  you  ever  noticed  how  you  can  pass  up 
something  which  has  been  right  under  your 
nose  day  after  day  and  then  all  of  a  sudden 
you  hitch  on  to  something  which  belongs  to  it 
and  then  all  you  see  is  that  thing — do  you  get 
me?  Say  yellow  kid  boots.  You  never  even 
noticed  a  pair,  but  one  day  you  buy  them  and 
next  time  you're  out  every  second  woman  has 
them  on.  Or  you  go  into  mourning  for  some- 
body and  all  of  a  sudden  you  commence  no- 
ticing how  many  other  people  is  the  same  only 
of  course  there  ain't  over  the  average — it's  only 
that  you  notice  it  because  you  are  in  it.  Well, 
believe  you  me — that  first  afternoon  I  went 
out  after  receiving  the  President's  letter,  I  was 
that  way  with  this  W.S.S.  stuff.  Of  course 
I  had  bought  my  thousand  dollars  worth  the 
first  week  they  was  out,  as  had  also  Ma  and 
she  and  I  together  the  same  for  Musette.  But 
we  had  done  it  on  the  Liberty  Loans  the  same, 
also  Red  Cross  and  thought  we  was  through 
and  all  the  signs  and  posters  and  what  not  had 

[81] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


come  to  be  invisible  to  me  like  a  chewing-gum 
or  a  soap  ad- — do  you  get  me? 

But  now  I  was  in  it  and  not  only  did  I  see 
every  sign  and  see  them  good,  but  felt  like  I 
had  one  on  my  back  and  everybody  must  know 
about  the  letter  and  everything.  I  walked 
kind  of  springy,  too,  in  spite  of  the  furs,  and 
then  when  I  turned  into  the  Avenue,  me  being 
on  foot,  a  five  mile  walk  per  day  having  to  be 
got  away  with  by  me  or  Ma  would  know  the 
reason  why,  the  trouble  commenced.  Believe 
you  me,  I  must  of  refused  to  buy  thrift  stamps 
one  hundred  times  in  twenty  blocks,  and  every 
time  I  said  I  had  all  I  could,  the  look  I  got 
handed  me  would  have  withered  a  publicity 
man.  There  must  be  a  hot  lot  of  fancy  liars 
among  us,  with  no  imagination,  for  why  would 
W.S.S.  still  be  on  sale  if  everybody  had  bought 
that  much?  And  when  I  wasn't  refusing  to 
buy  stamps  I  was  forking  out  quarters  for 
everything  from  blind  Belgian  hares  to  Welch 
Rabbits  for  German  prisoners.  And  it's  a 
good  thing  I  had  a  charge  account  to  Maison 
Rosabelle's  or  I  would  never  of  got  my  dress. 
And  the  more  I  was  pestered  to  buy  them 
stamps  the  madder  I  got.  I  commenced  to 
feel  it  was  a  regular  hold  up,  and  that  the  po- 

[82] 


PRO  BOXEHEAD  PUBLICO 


lice  ought  to  interfere.  A  person  which  is  pes- 
tered to  death  v/ill  even  sour  on  the  Red  Cross. 
I  don't  mean  chat  they  ain't  humane,  neither 
— only  that  they  are  human,  and  the  most  dan- 
gerous thing  to  do  to  a  human  is  to  bore  it — 
any  one  in  the  theatrical  professions  learns 
that  young  and  thoroughly.  And  when  I  real- 
ized that  I  was  getting  bored  with  this  con- 
stant hold-up  I  got  a  fearful  jolt  and  a  cold 
chill. 

Here  I  was  undertaking  to  chair  a  com- 
mittee to  sell  the  things  and  Gawd  knows  my 
heart  ought  to  of  been  in  it  with  Jim  over  there 
and  all,  and  it  was,  only  getting  bored  with 
the  war  is  kind  of  natural,  it  being  so  far  off 
and  nothing  likely  to  do  us  personal  bodily  in- 
jury on  the  Avenue  unless  maybe  the  restau- 
rants or  a  auto  and  that  our  own  fault.  And 
so  soon  as  I  realized  what  I  was  up  against 
with  the  great  Boredom  Peril,  I  realized  also 
what  I  had  personally  in  writing  promised  Mr. 
Wilson,  and  took  a  brace.  It  was  just  like  the 
early  days  on  the  Small-Time  when  the  book- 
ing depends  on  the  hand  and  the  hand  was  the 
one  which  fed  us — and  not  any  too  much  at 
that  with  the  carrying  expenses — and  the  hand 
was  getting  weaker.     Me  and  Ma  sat  up  all 

[83] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


one  night  doping  out  my  double  handspring 
with  the  heel-elick.  And  it  was  a  desperate 
effort  and  we  thought  it  was  a  flivver  but  not 
at  all.  When  I  landed  on  my  feet  after  the 
first  try-out,  I  knew  I  was  there  to  stay,  and 
any  intelligent  public  will  realize  that  I  re- 
membered it  now.  And  by  this  time  I  had 
reached  the  store  I  was  headed  for. 

I  will  confess  that  from  the  iroment  I  had 
decided  to  buy  a  new  dress  I  had  my  mind  all 
set  on  what  it  was  to  be — something  sheer  and 
light — printed  chiffon,  and  a  hat  to  go  with  it. 
But  by  the  time  I  had  reached  Maison  Rosa- 
belle  my  hunch  on  my  new  job  was  beginning 
to  go  strong  and  one  of  the  things  that  wor- 
ried me  was  that  dress.  Also  my  lunch. 
Sometimes  it  happens  that  too  much  of  a  good 
thing  is  the  only  thing  which  will  turn  you 
against  it — do  you  get  me?  And  Ma's  cream 
cakes  had  this  effect.  Maybe  had  I  eat  less 
of  them  I  would  not  have  had  no  indigestion 
and  so  not  counted  their  cost  as  Lincoln,  or 
somebody,  says.  And  if  I  hadn't  had  the 
indigestion  maybe  I  wouldn't  of  worried  over 
the  dress.  Well,  anyways,  the  first  person  I 
see  inside  the  store  was  Maison  herself,  very 

[84] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


elegant  and  slim,  only  with  a  little  too  much 
henna  in  her  hair  as  usual. 

"Well,  Masie,"  I  said  when  we  had  got  into 
the  privacy  of  the  art-gray  dressing  room  and 
lit  a  cigarette,  while  the  girl  went  for  some 
models.  "Well,  Masie,  I  want  to  know  is 
business  good?"  Masie  is  her  real  name  she 
having  Frenchified  it  for  business  reasons,  the 
same  as  myself. 

"Oh,  dearie!"  says  she.  "Business  is  ele- 
gant! With  so  many  officers  in  town,  I  can 
scarcely  keep  enough  things  in  stock.  The 
beaded  georgettes  go  so  fast,  on  account  of 
being  perishable.  Ruby  Roselle  had  three  last 
week  of  me.     One  party  and  they're  gone !" 

While  Masie  and  me  has  been  friends  ever 
since  I  can  remember,  her  mother  having  been 
Lady  Lion  Tamer  in  the  same  circus  with  Ma 
and  Pa's  trapeze  act,  as  she  uttered  them 
words,  I  commenced  feeling  a  little  coolness 
toward  her.  For  once  I  get  a  idea  in  my 
head  it's  a  religion  to  me,  and  the  W.S.S.  was 
getting  to  me. 

"Dont  you  think  maybe  that's  profiteering, 
Masie?"  I  ast. 

Maison  run  a  well  manicured  hand  over  her 
marcelle  and  smiled  superior — she  has  always 

[85] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


prided  herself  on  being  sort  of  high-brow  and 
reads  Sappy  Stories  regular. 

"Why,  dearie,  how  you  talk!"  she  says. 
"Dont  you  know  that  a  little  gaiety  keeps  up 
the  morale  of  the  country?" 

"I'm  not  so  sure  about  some  gaiety  keep- 
ing up  the  moral  of  anything!"  I  says  with 
meaning,  not  wishing  to  directly  knock  any- 
body but  still  wishing  Masie  to  get  me.  "And 
personally  myself,  I  think  any  time's  a  bad 
time  to  waste  money  on  clothes  which  won't 
last!" 

"My  goodness,  Sweetie!"  Masie  shrieked. 
"What's  gonner  become  of  us  if  ladies  was  to 
quit  buying?  Tell  me  that?  How  we  gonner 
hire  our  help,  and  all,  and  how  can  they  live 
if  we  dont  hire  'em?  Have  a  heart!"  she  says. 
"And  what  are  you  talking  about — you  coming 
in  after  a  new  dress  yourself,  and  only  last 
week  had  two  chiffons  which  Gawd  knows 
ain't  chain-armour  for  wear!" 

"I  know!"  I  admitted,  "but  I'm  going  to  can 
my  order.  Just  tell  the  girl  to  bring  gingham 
or  something  which  will  wash — if  you  got  such 
a  thing!" 

"Wei],  Mary  Gilligan,  I  guess  you're  going 
nutty!"  says  Masie,  but  she  gives  the  order, 

[86] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


and  I  choose  one  at  $15 — which  could  be  dry- 
cleaned,  and  that  was  the  nearest  I  could  come 
to  what  I  was  after. 

"  You  wont  like  it !"  Masie  warned  me.  "It's 
too  cheap — better  take  a  good  silk!" 

But  I  wouldn't — not  on  a  bet.  Even  al- 
though what  Masie  said  about  cutting  down 
too  much  on  buying  stuff  sounded  sensible,  or 
would  of  only  the  question  was  how  far  can 
a  person  cut  before  they  reach  the  quick?  Of 
course  I  see  her  point,  and  she  had  as  good  a 
right  to  live  as  me.  Yet  something  wras  wrong 
some  place,  I  couldn't  figure  out  where.  So  I 
just  charged  the  dress  and  set  out  for  home, 
and  owning  a  cotton  dress  made  me  feel  awful 
warlike  and  humble — do  you  get  me  ? 

But  while  I  felt  better  about  my  dress,  the 
cream-cakes  was  still  with  me,  and,  being  now 
a  sort  of  Government  Official,  they  and  that 
got  me  noticing  the  food  signs,  as  well,  and 
wishing  I  had  eat  only  a  little  cereal  for  my 
lunch.  That  gave  me  a  idea  which  on  arriv- 
ing  home  I  handed  to  Ma. 

"I  have  just  bought  me  a  wash-dress,  or  al- 
most so,  Ma!"  I  told  her.  "And  honest  to 
Gawd  I  do  think  we  ought  to  eat  to  match  it. 

[87] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Suppose  we  was  to  go  on  war-rations  of  our 
own  free  wills?" 

"Well,  we  eat  pretty  plain  and  wholesome 
now!"  says  Ma.     "Just  like  we  always  done!" 

"But  times  is  different!"  I  says,  toying  with 
the  soda-mint  bottle,  and  who  knows  but  what 
they  were  being  more  needed  abroad?  "And 
cream-cakes  is  a  non-essential.  Especially  to 
one  which  has  to  keep  her  figure  down,"  I  says. 
"So  for  lunch  to-morrow  let's  have  cereal 
only,"  I  says. 

Well  I  hate  to  take  pleasure  from  any  one 
and  the  sight  of  Ma's  face  when  I  said  this 
would  of  brought  tears  to  a  glass  eye.  But 
I  felt  particularly  strong-minded  just  then 
what  with  the  indigestion  and  no  letter  from 
the  censor  yet  and  Gawd  knows  that  is  no  joke 
as  they  are  certainly  more  his  than  Jim's  by 
the  time  they  get  to  me!  But  after  I  had  told 
Ma  how  all  the  caviar  had  ought  to  be  sent 
over  to  the  boys  and  how  food  would  win  the 
war  and  how  Wilson  expected  every  man — 
you  know — well,  she  got  all  enthusiastic  over 
making  up  a  lot  of  cheap  recipes  and  we  had  the 
butcher  and  grocer  pared  down  to  about  ninety 
cents  each  per  day.  Ma  could  just  see  her- 
self growing  slim,  and  she  kept  remembering 

[88] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


things  she  used  to  cook  for  Pa  in  the  old  days 
before  she  retired  on  the  insurance  money. 
And  first  thing  you  knew  the  time  had  come 
for  me  to  go  to  the  theatre.  Just  as  I  was 
starting  for  the  door  Ma  mentioned  Rosco, 
our  publicity  man. 

"Are  you  going  to  call  him  or  will  I?"  she 
wanted  to  know. 

"About  what?"  I  asked. 

"Why  about  your  committee-meeting  to- 
morrow V  she  says. 

"Nothing  doing!"  I  came  back  at  her. 
"Would  you  invite  a  manager  to  see  a  practice- 
act  ?  Its  going  to  be  amateur-night  for  me,  to- 
morrow is,  and  no  outsiders  are  urged  to  at- 
tend! And  anyways,  I'm  not  doing  this  for 
publicity  which  Gawd  knows  I  dont  need  any, 
but  for  my  Uncle  Sam!" 

"Well,  thank  goodness,  you  aint  go  no  other 
relations  you  feel  that  way  about,"  says  Ma, 
"or  we'd  all  be  in  the  poorhouse  shortly!" 

ill 

Well,  that  night  when  I  came  home  I  cried 
myself  to  sleep  with  my  head  under  the  pillow 
so's  Ma  wouldn't  hear  what  I  called  the  cen- 

[89] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


sor,  but  slept  good  on  account  of  the  simple 
little  war-supper  of  only  lettuce  and  a  cup  of 
soup  which  Ma  had  ready  for  me,  and  in  the 
morning  was  up  with  the  lark  as  the  poet  says, 
only  of  course  they  was  realty  sparrows,  it  be- 
ing the  city.  Well,  anyways,  I  felt  good  and 
husky  and  as  early  as  eleven-thirty  I  was  all 
fixed  up  in  the  new  wash  dress,  which  its  a  ac- 
tual fact  Musette  had  to  sew  it  together  four 
separate  places  that  it  come  apart  while  put- 
ting it  on  me.  The  goods  wasn't  the  quality  I 
had  thought,  come  to  look  at  them  closer,  but 
anyways  it  was  cheap  and  that  was  one  good 
thing  about  it.  Ma  brought  me  in  a  shredded 
wheat-less  biscuit  and  a  cup  of  coffee,  a  sort  of 
funny  look  on  her  face  like  she  had  taken  her 
oath  and  would  stick  it  out  to  the  death.  She 
didn't  say  anything,  only  set  it  down  and  I  ate 
it,  saying  nothing  either  because  it  was  what 
we  had  agreed  we  would  get  along  on  for 
breakfast.  When  I  was  through  she  give  me 
a  news  item. 

"The  cook  is  leaving!"  she  says.  "On  ac- 
count of  the  new  rations." 

"That's  no  loss!"  I  says  gaily,  because  as  a 
general  thing  Ma  is  only  too  glad  when  this 
happens. 

rooj 


Tito  BONE  HEAD  PUBLICO 


"I  ain't  so  sure!"  says  Ma.  "I'm  not  as 
young  as  I  was,  and  I  cant  do  all  the  cooking!" 

Well — believe  you  me — I  sat  up  and  took 
notice  of  that!  Ma  kicking  at  her  favorite 
pastime.  Something  was  wrong.  But  even 
then  I  didn't  get  what  it  was.  So  I  just  re- 
marked we  could  eat  our  dinners  at  the  Ritz 
that  being  good  publicity  anyways  and  always 
expected  of  me  in  full  evening  dress  when  I 
am  dancing.  So  that  much  settled  and  there 
being  no  letter  yet  and  me  being  sort  of  nerv- 
ous about  that  meeting  which  was  breaking 
ahead,  I  went  and  beguiled  a  hour  at  Jim's 
souvenir.  I  thought  a  whole  lot  of  that 
pianola,  he  having  given  it  to  me  just  before 
he  sailed,  and  as  of  course  it  was  too  heavy  to 
wear  over  my  aching  heart  which  is  generally 
supposed  to  be  done  with  souvenirs  of  loved 
ones  overseas,  I  put  in  a  good  deal  of  time  sit- 
ting at  it,  and — believe  you  me — my  touch  is 
a  whole  lot  better  than  Ma's  which  me  being 
light  on  my  feet  by  nature  and  business  both, 
is  not  so  supprising.  Well,  I  got  myself  all 
worked  up  over  Jim  while  playing  "Some- 
where A  Voice  Is  Calling  with  Mandolin  Ar- 
rangement" and  a  whole  lot  of  expression  and 
what  with  feeling  a  little  low  on  account  of  the 

[91] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


patriotic  breakfast,  I  was  just  in  the  right 
frame  of  mind  to  throw  myself  heart  and  soul 
into  the  good  work  before  me — do  you  get  it? 
You  do! 

Well,  I  had  no  sooner  left  the  shelter  of  our 
own  flat,  than  that  same  hold-up  game  which 
I  had  noticed  so  particular  the  day  before  was 
started  on  me.  The  elevator-girls,  which  had 
taken  the  place  of  a  standing  yet  sitting  army 
of  foreign  princes  which  had  used  to  clutter 
up  our  front  hall  and  the  only  excuse  they  had 
for  living  was  the  nerve  they  give  the  landlord 
when  he  come  to  price  the  rents: — well,  any- 
ways, the  girls  which  had  taken  their  places 
since  the  draft  blew  in,  was  selling  W.S.S. 
Of  course  I  couldn't  buy  any  for  the  same  rea- 
sons as  yesterday.  So  they  sprung  a  work- 
ing girls  War  Crippled  Aid  Fund  and  I  con- 
tributed to  that,  because  I  believe  in  girls  run- 
ning elevators.  Why  wouldn't  they,  when 
thousands  has  run  dumb-waiters  so  good  for 
years?  Well,  anyways,  I  give  them  something 
and  escaped  to  the  street  only  to  be  lit  on  for 
stamps  by  the  first  small  boy  I  met.  And 
after  only  seven  others  had  tried  me,  I  got  to 
the  Palatial  Hotel,  and — believe  you  me — by 

[02] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  TUBLICO 


that  time  worried  pretty  severely  about  how 
could  a  person  sell  twenty-five  thousand  dol- 
lars worth  of  the  pesky  things  and  not  get  slain 
by  some  impatient  citizen  who  felt  that  I  was 
the  last  camel  and  his  back  was  broke,  or  what- 
ever the  poet  says?  Really,  it  was  serious,  and 
being  the  first  of  the  Theatrical  Ladies  to  ar- 
rive, the  big  ballroom  with  the  table  and  seven 
empty  chairs  like  a  desert  island  in  the  middle 
of  the  floor,  failed  to  cheer  me  any. 

Well,  there  was  a  arm-chair  at  one  end  of 
the  table  and  there  being  nobody  around  to 
either  elect  me  or  stop  me,  I  grabbed  off  this 
chair  and  held  to  it  with  the  grim  expression 
of  a  suburbanite  who  knows  her  husband  isn't 
coming  but  wont  admit  it,  and  a  good  thing  I 
acted  prompt  as  should  be  done  in  all  war- 
measures,  because  pretty  soon  the  other  ladies 
commenced  arriving.  I  guess  they  must  of 
thought  they  could  get  a  better  part  by  com- 
ing early,  they  was  so  prompt,  and  by  one 
o'clock  they  was  actually  all  there  except  Pat- 
tie  and  her  unknown  friend,  which  was  pretty 
good,  the  date  having  been  twelve-thirty. 

Well,  we  all  shook  hands  and  I  arose  frorri 
my  seat  but  didn't  move  a  inch  away  from  it, 
having  seen  something  of  committee  meetings 

[93] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


where  the  wrong  person  had  it.  And  then 
they  all  sat  down  and  took  in  my  dress  and 
hat  and  I  theirs,  and  we  was  very  amiahle  and 
refined  and  I  felt  so  glad  I  had  picked  such  a 
good  hunch  and  wished  Pattie  would  hurry  so's 
we  could  commence,  when  lo!  as  the  poet  says, 
my  wish  was  granted,  for  in  come  Pattie  and 
with  her  her  friend  and  My  Gawd,  if  it  wasn't 
Ruby  Roselle ! 

Well,  far  be  it  from  me  to  say  anything 
about  any  lady,  only  pro-Germans  is  pro-Ger- 
mans by  any  other  name,  as  Shakespeare  says, 
provided  you  can  find  it  out,  and  here  she  was, 
butting  in  on  a  gathering  of  would-be  Dolly 
Madisons  and  Moll  Pritchers  and  everything, 
and  I  wouldn't  of  invited  her  for  the  world 
if  only  Pattie  had  mentioned  her  name.  But 
here  she  was,  all  dressed  up  like  a  plush  horse 
and  so  friendly  it  got  me  worried  right  away. 
Any  one  which  has  seen  Ruby  in  her  red,  white 
and  blue  tights  will  at  once  realize  what  I 
mean,  though  nothing  but  the  tights  was  ever 
proved  against  her.  What  on  earth  she  wanted 
with  our  committee  was  very  suspicious  because 
why  would  she  ever  of  taken  a  expensive  and 
difficult  present  like  a  baby  alligator  from  a 

[Oil 


PRO  BOXEIIEAD  PUBLICO 


German  which  she  once  done,  if  not  pro,  her 
own  self? 

But  time  for  starting  something  had  sure 
come,  if  we  was  ever  to  get  any  lunch,  so  I 
got  them  all  seated  and  commenced — a  little 
weak  in  the  knees  which  it  was  a  good  thing  I 
was  seated,  but  strong  in  the  voice,  so  as  to 
start  the  moral  right — do  you  get  me? 

"Ladies  of  the  Theatrical  Ladies  W.S.S. 
Committee,"  I  began,  being  determined  not  to 
waste  no  time  on  formalities,  which  it  has  al- 
ways seemed  to  me  that  on  such  occasions  a 
lot  of  gas  is  used  up  in  them  which  would  have 
run  the  machine  quite  a  ways  if  applied  prop- 
erly. We  all  knew  we  was  the  Theatrical 
Ladies  W.S.S.  Committee  and  I  was  the 
chairman,  so  why  waste  words  making  me  it? 
"Ladies,"  I  says,  "I  have  a  letter  from  Presi- 
dent Wilson  asking  me  to  get  to  work,  and  so 
have  formed  a  committee  to  sell  twenty-five 
thousand  dollars  worth  of  War  Savings 
Stamps  on  the  first  of  the  month.  I  sat  right 
down  and  wrote  him  I  would  do  it,  and  here  we 
are.  Of  course  this  being  the  twentv-eighth 
of  the  month  the  notice  is  short.  Probably  he 
didn't  expect  us  really  to  get  to  work  until  next 
month,   but   personally,   myself,    I   think   we 

[95] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


should  surprise  him  by  getting  the  money  by 
Saturday  night,  which  Saturday  night  is  the 
first.  Now,  you  Committee  Ladies  is  here  to 
discuss  how  will  we  do  it.  I  would  be  glad  to 
hear  ideas,  suggestions  and  etc." 

Well,  nobody  said  anything  for  a  few  min- 
utes only  Ruby  put  a  little  powder  on  her  nose 
and  looked  at  it  critical  in  her  vanity  case 
mirror,  which  well  she  might  for  Gawd  knows 
she  had  powder  enough  on  her  already.  Then 
Madame  Broun,  the  Lady  Baritone,  cleared 
her  throat. 

"I  would  be  glad  to  give  a  recital,"  she  said, 
swelling  up  her  neatly  upholstered  black  satin 
bosom,  "and  turn  over  the  money  it  brings  in. 
I  presume  the  Government  would  hire  the 
theatre  for  me." 

"Well,"  I  says,  "that  is  a  real  nice  suggestion 
only  not  quite  practical.  You  see  it  wouldn't 
be  right  to  ask  the  Government  to  pay  for  the 
theater  in  case  it  was  a  wet  Monday  and  only 
a  few  came  in  out  of  the  rain.  Any  more 
ideas?" 

The  blond  Dahlia  sister  spoke  up  then. 

"Whatever  you  suggest  goes  with  me, 
Marie,"  she  says,  which  was  terrible  sweet  of 
her,  only  it's  a  darn  sight  easier  to  give  a  proxy 

[90] 


TRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


than  a  good  suggestion,  which  I  did  not  how- 
ever mention,  Blondie  heing  a  real  fine  Jewish 
American  and  a  willing  worker  as  I  well  knew. 

"I  thought  of  course  it  was  a  benefit  we 
would  give,"  put  in  Pattie  in  a  voice  which 
just  plain  dismissed  every  other  possibility.  "I 
have  a  new  patter  to  'Yankee  Doodle'  with  a 
red,  white  and  blue  spot  on  me,  at  front  center 
with  the  rest  of  the  house  dark.  It  ought  to 
go  big  about  the  center  of  the  programme." 

After  which  modest  little  suggestion  she 
sunk  gracefully  back  into  her  seat  and  com- 
menced shadow-tapping  the  tune  with  her  feet 
under  the  committee  table. 

"Well,  benefits  is  always  possible,"  I  said, 
"and  of  course  we  could  have  it  with  admission 
by  W.S.S.  only.  But  it's  been  done  a  lot  and 
three  days  ain't  so  very  much  time  in  which  to 
get  it  up  in  a  way  which  would  do  your  act 
justice,"  I  says. 

"All !  clicrics!"  says  Mile.  DuChamp.  "Mes 
petites !"  she  says,  whatever  that  was.  "I  have 
zee  gran'  idea — perfect!  I  will  make  zee 
speach  on  zee  steps  of  zee  Library  of  zee  Pub- 
lic at  Forty-Second  Street  and  Feeth  Avenoo. 
I  will  arise,  I  will  stretch  my  ban',  I  will  call 
out  'Cityonnes!   'Urry  up  queek!  Your  eoun- 

[97] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


tree  call  you — Formez  vos  battillions!'  and 
while  I  make  zee  dramatic  appeal  zee  ozzers 
can  collect  twenty-five  t'ousand  dollar  from  zee 
breathless  crowd!" 

She  had  got  up  on  her  box-toed  shoes  and 
was  making  the  grandest  gestures  you  ever  see. 
Honest  to  Gawd  I  do  believe  that  girl  has 
herself  kidded  into  believing  that  the  Paris  she 
was  born  in  was  France,  not  Ind.  I  kind  of 
waved  at  her,  and  when  she  had  flopped  back 
into  her  place,  completely  overcome  by  her 
emotions,  I  suggested  that  maybe  the  Library 
wasn't  as  Public  as  it  looked,  being  generally 
occupied  of  a  fine  afternoon  by  wounded  sol- 
diers making  the  same  line  of  talk,  and  of 
course  Mile.  DuChamps  would  be  more  cliic 
and  all  that,  but  would  she  be  let? 

"Of  course  she  wouldn't!"  says  Ruby,  com- 
ing out  of  her  vanity-case  for  a  minute.  "Of 
course  not!  My  idea  is  that  we  all  chip  in  say 
about  seven  thousand  five  hundred  and  let  it 
go  at  that!" 

Somehow  this  cheap-Jack  way  of  getting 
out  of  doing  any  work  by  spending  a  little 
money,  got  my  goat  something  fierce.  Besides 
which  it  was  Huby's  idea  of  patriotism  and  all 
against  W.S.S.  rules  and  everything,  but  for 

[98] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


the  minute  I  was  so  floored  I  couldn't  speak. 
The  dark  Dahlia  did  it  for  me,  though,  and 
much  more  contained  than  I  could  of  at  the 
time. 

"That's  mighty  generous,  Miss  Iloselle,"  she 
says  just  as  sweet,  "only  you  see  me  and  Blon- 
die  has  each  got  our  thousand  dollars  worth 
and  one  person  can't  get  more,"  she  says. 

"Well,  I'll  take  a  thousand  dollars  worth 
then,"  said  Ruby,  and  I  could  see  very  plain 
that  the  matter  was  finished  in  her  mind,  and 
what  would  you  expect  different  after  them  pa- 
triotic tights  of  hers? 

"I'll  take  a  thousand  also,"  put  in  Madame 
Broun.  "To  tell  the  right  truth  I  haven't  a 
one.  What  do  you  do  with  the  —stick  them 
on  the  hacks  of  letters  like  Tuberculosis,  or 
Merry  Xmas?" 

Well,  we  explained  they  was  not  a  additional 
burden  to  the  postman  but  more  or  less  of  a 
investment.  And  then  the  awful  truth  come 
out  that  Pattie  hadn't  none  either  and  that 
Mile.  DuChamps  had  always  thought  they  was 
to  put  on  tobacco  boxes  and  candy  and  every- 
thing you  stored  up  in  the  house  to  eat.  though 
Gawd  only  knows  how  she  got  thai:  idea  except 
of  course  it's  the  truth  that  most  people  is 

[99] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


boobs,  outside  of  their  own  line,  more's  the 
pity! 

Well,  anyways,  we  took  in  four  thousand 
right  then  and  there  and  so  all  that  remained 
was  twenty-one.  Ruby  undertook  to  sell 
another  three  among  her  personal  friends,  and 
the  Dahlias  said  they  thought  they  could  raise 
as  much  more  between  theirselves.  Then 
when  Mile.  DuChamps  and  Madame  Broun 
had  concluded  to  take  on  three  apiece  there 
was  eleven  thousand  dollars  worth  of  friendless 
little  stamps  with  nobody  to  love  them  but  me. 
Well,  with  no  better  schemes  than  benefits  and 
concerts  and  talks  in  sight,  I  see  it  was  up  to 
me  to  bite  off  the  biggest  slice  of  pie  myself, 
so  I  said  I'd  take  the  remainder.  Of  course 
with  my  influence  and  name  and  all  I  would  of 
had  no  trouble  getting  rid  of  them  only  by 
asking  prominent  men  like  Goldringer  and 
Rosco  and  the  Dancing  Trust  people  beside  a 
few  more  personal  ones.  And  then  when  we 
had  got  this  far  I  see  some  of  the  ladies  com- 
mence looking  at  their  wrist-watches  for  other 
reasons  than  to  show  they  had  them,  and  so 
hustled  up  the  last  of  the  business  which  was 
merely  how  would  we  print  our  forms  for  sub- 
[100] 


BBO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


scribers  to  fill  out.  Ruby  suggested  a  gilt- 
edge  card  tinted  violet  with  whatever  lettering 
I  chose,  and  while  I  didn't  care  for  it  I  agreed, 
being  hungry  myself. 

"I  do  think  it  is  awful  fine  of  you  to  take 
on  that  big  amount,"  said  Pattie.  "But  you 
always  was  generous,  Marie,  I  will  say  that 
for  you." 

"Ladies!"  I  said.  "No  thanks  where  they 
dont  belong.  Because  I  am  undertaking  this 
sale  for  far  other  reasons  than  you  suppose." 

But  since  everybody  by  then  plainly  cared 
more  for  their  lunch  than  my  reasons  we 
parted,  agreeing  to  send  the  money  to  my  place 
on  Sunday  morning. 


IV 


But  I  will  here  set  down  my  unspoken  rea- 
sons, which  was  that  fine  as  it  is  to  walk  out  to 
your  rich  friends  and  pluck  a  thousand  worth 
of  stamps  per  each  off  them  and  of  course  no- 
body but  thinks  the  rich  should  have  them,  too, 
I  had  a  strong  hunch  that  the  reason  for  selling 
stamps  at  five  dollars  or  even  two  bits,  was  be- 
cause every  one  could  get  in  on  a  good  thing 
that  wTay.  Somehow  there  seemed  something 
[101] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


too  up-stage  about  going  in  only  for  the  high 
spots,  and  after  ordering  the  cards  I  hurried 
home  full  of  determination  to  make  a  stab  at 
selling  to  the  common  herd  and  with  a  terrible 
appetite  and  anxious  as  could  be  over  the  one 
o'clock  mail. 

Well,  the  last  two  was  doomed  to  a  imme- 
diate disappointment  because  the  censor  was 
sitting  just  as  tight  as  ever  and  there  was  only 
cereal  for  lunch.  Believe  you  me  it  give  me 
sort  of  a  jolt  when  I  sat  down  to  so  little  and 
Ma's  face  was  not  any  too  cheering.  We  com- 
menced to  eat  in  silence  which  being  both  per- 
fect ladies  was  the  only  thing  to  do  as  it  was 
also  burned.  Eut  after  a  minute  Ma  lay  down 
on  the  job.  She  pushed  her  dish  over  toward 
me  in  disgust. 

"Try  that  on  your  piano,  Mary  Gilligan!" 
she  says. 

"Well,  Ma,  you  know  what  war  is,"  I  says. 
"iVnd  we'll  get  a  good  meal  at  the  Hicz  to-night 
to  make  up!" 

Well,  anyways,  sustained  more  by  patri- 
otism than  by  what  I  had  eat,  I  set  out  to  put 
over  a  scheme  I  had  all  hatched  out  in  my  head 
for  using  places  which  was  already  kind  of  or- 
ganized, as  my  selling  agents — do  you  get  me? 
[102] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBTJCO 


And  the  first  place  I  went  was  to  Maison  Hosa- 
belle's  because — believe  you  me — that  cheap 
dress  I  had  bought  off  her  needed  a  plastic  sur- 
geon by  then.  Maison  was  as  usual  giving 
a  unconscious  imitation  of  a  trained  seal, 
switching  gracefully  around  the  store  with  a 
customer  which  she  was  hypnotizing  into  all 
forgetfulness  of  prices.  But  finally  I  got  her 
alone  long  enough  to  express  what  I  thought 
about  the  dress  and  any  lady  will  be  able  to 
imagine  what  that  was.  Then  I  asked  her 
could  she  fall  in  with  my  scheme  which  was  on 
Saturday  to  take  only  Thrift  Stamps  or 
W.S.S.  for  eacli  purchase  and  sell  them  the 
stamps  herself.  Maison  didn't  enthuse  over 
the  idea,  though  she's  rich  at  that. 

"Why,  dearie!  Not  on  a  bet!"  she  said. 
"It  ain't  that  I'm  not  patriotic,  but  this  estab- 
lishment is  exclusive!" 

Well,  I  seen  there  was  no  use  arguing  with 
her,  and  I  guess  there  never  is  with  a  woman 
which  is  marcelle-waved  every  day  of  her  life, 
not  to  mention  that  cheap  fake  of  a  dress. 
Next  one  I  buy  of  her  without  a  guarantee  will 
be  for  her  funeral!  So  I  just  left  her  flat  and 
went  over  to  Chamberlin's.  Of  course  it  takes 
a  whole  lot  more  brains  to  run  a  enormous 
[103] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


cabaret  and  restaurant  like  his  than  Maison 
has  to  use  if  less  nerve,  he  not  coming  person- 
ally into  contact  with  the  customers  like  she 
does,  and  I  counted  on  this.  I  went  in  by  the 
main  door  where  a  lady  sat  selling  W.S.S. 
and  she  bored  me  to  death  with  them  while  a 
captain  went  to  find  Chamberlin.  When  I 
seen  him  coming  I  tried  to  assume  that 
sprightly  and  convincing  manner  of  the  side- 
walk W.S.S.  hounds,  but  was  overcome  with 
that  deep  seated  sense  of  being  about  to  make 
a  flivver,  which  also  shows  on  most  of  them. 
However,  Chamberlin  was  a  genial  good  soul 
and  was  crazy  over  stamps.  But  he  had  beat 
me  to  it  on  the  admission  only  by  buying 
stamps  on  Saturday  night. 

"Better  try  among  your  rich  friends,  Miss 
La  Tour!"  he  says.  "And  you'll  be  surprised 
how  many  you'll  sell.  That's  the  easiest  way 
unless  you  use  a  gun!" 

"I  don't  want  to  sell  to  my  friends,"  says  Iv 
"I  want  to  sell  to  everybody — get  folks  to  chip 
in.  The  chipping-in  idea  is  what  is  so  good — 
get  together  and  all  that." 

Well,  believe  you  me — after  this  I  tried  a 
dozen  places  and  every  one  of  them,  stores  and 
all,  where  I  had  any  influence  or  charge  ac- 
[104] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


count,  had  got  their  selves  so  full  of  W.S.S. 
schemes  that  I  felt  like  a  helpless  babe  in  arms 
as  the  poet  says,  before  I  was  through.  There 
was  no  room  for  my  little  $11,000  worth  any 
place :  they  had  all  stocked  up,  and  what  to  do 
next  I  had  no  idea. 

On  the  way  to  the  Ritz  that  night  Ma  didn't 
talk  steady  like  she  usually  does  and  seemed 
kind  of  low  in  her  mind,  and  maybe  in  her 
stomach  also  which  I  was  the  same  by  then. 
Not  to  mention  the  censor  which  it  is  better  not 
to  for  fear  I  might  say  what  I  thought  and  he 
a  Government  official. 

But  anyways  no  sooner  was  we  inside  the 
hotel  than  two  society  swells  tackled  us  for 
W.S.S.  Oh,  they  was  democratic,  just!  They 
spoke  right  to  us,  and  everything!  But  my 
goat  was  got  by  it. 

"A  regular  hold-up!"  I  whispered  to  Ma. 
And  as  I  spoke  them  fateful  words  I  remem- 
bered that  I  owned  a  gun,  which  it  was  left 
from  a  piece  I  done  for  the  movies  and  I  had 
kept  it  for  a  souvenir.  Of  course  I  dismissed 
the  thought  at  once  like  the  sensible  woman 
I  am.  But  somehow  it  wouldn't  exactly  stay 
away. 

[105] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Did  you  ever  get  to  seeing  things  as  they 
really  was  and  wondering  why  on  earth  people 
go  through  such  a  lot  of  motions  pretending 
things  is  not  what  they  seem,  as  some  guy  so 
truly  says — do  you  get  me  ?  As  soon  as  I  had 
said  "hold-up"  I  realized  that  that  was  just 
what  was  being  done.  And  when  I  realized 
that  it  was  necessary  to  hold  up  people  in  order 
to  get  them  to  make  a  safe  investment  which 
would  earn  them  a  good  net  profit  while  sav- 
ing their  fool  lives,  I  got  so  raving  mad  that 
a  gun  seemed  too  good  for  them.  And  mad  at 
myself,  too,  for  not  seeing  sooner  how  much 
my  own  Jim's  welfare  was  hanging  onto  my 
shoulders.  Somehow  up  to  then  I  had  really 
a  idea  that  the  bunch  down  in  Washington  was 
relieving  me  of  all  trouble  and  responsibility 
about  this  war.  But  now  I  seen  it  wasn't  so. 
If  the  G.A.P.  or  Great  American  People  was 
actually  such  boobs  that  they  didn't  flock  up 
and  wish  their  life  savings  onto  such  a  scheme, 
they  had  ought  to  be  made  to,  same  as  Ma  used 
to  hold  my  nose  for  my  own  good  and  believe 
you  me — I  can  taste  that  oil  to  this  day! 

Well,  anyways,  this  philosophy  stuff  kept 
going  through  my  mind  while  running  up  a 
considerable  check  which  Gawd  knows  we 
[106] 


PRO  BOXEHEAD  PUBLICO 


needed  it  or  the  undertaker  would  of  con- 
scripted us.  And  then  all  of  a  sudden  who  did 
I  see  but  Ruby  Roselle  only  two  tables  away 
and  with  her  a  husky  young  lounge-lizzard 
which  goes  around  with  her  a  lot — you  know 
— one  of  the  kind  whose  favorite  flower  is  the 
wild  oat,  but  never  has  anything  to  spend  but 
the  evening.  And  him  and  Ruby  had  their 
heads  together  and  was  watching  me  like  the 
German  spies  in  a  movie  which  every  one  in 
the  audience  spots  except  their  victims  which 
of  course  are  looking  at  the  director  close  up 
front  which  is  certainly  the  only  reason  they  are 
fooled. 

Well,  anyways,  I  was  surprised  to  see  Ruby 
because  Broadway  places  is  more  her  speed, 
and  I  never  see  her  in  such  refined  surround- 
ings before.  But  I  realizing  about  her  kind 
of  patriotism  I  commenced  wondering  wasn't 
she  there  to  watch  me?  Though  for  what  rea- 
son I  had  no  idea. 

That  night  after  the  show,  I  asked  Gold- 
ringer  wouldn't  he  use  the  admission  by  W.S.S. 
Saturday,  and  he  wouldn't  because  he  had  it 
on  for  one  of  his  other  theatres.  And  so  I 
went  home  in  despair  and  a  taxi,  and  was  fur- 
ther cheered  by  a  empty  letter-box. 
[107] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


In  the  morning  the  cards  come — a  thousand 
of  them — and  certainly  more  elegant  looking 
than  I  had  expected,  I  will  say  that  for  Ruhy 
and  reading  as  follows : 

"The  Theatrical  Ladies  W.S.S.  Committee 

will  deliver  to  -.-.-.  .:.r. of  .  . . . 

worth  of  W.S.S.  stamps  on  presentation  of  this 
card.  Payment  for  same  is  hereby  acknowl- 
edged." 

Then  came  a  blank  which  it  was  up  to  me 
to  fill  in.  Well,  I  didn't  hesitate  and  after  a 
hearty  breakfast  of  crackers  and  milk  and 
weak  tea,  I  tied  up  the  lace  sleeves  of  my  negli- 
gee and  set  to  work  at  signing  them.  Believe 
you  me,  before  I  was  done  I  quite  see  why 
President  Wilson  used  a  rubber  stamp !  But 
I  didn't  weaken  until  noon,  when  any  one 
would  have  on  the  meal  I'd  had.  And  by  then 
they  was  finished  anyways  and  every  one  of 
them  valid  and  as  good  as  my  cheque.  Then 
just  as  I  was  feeling  proud  of  myself  in  come 
Ma  and  I  could  see  at  once  she  was  going  to 
take  a  fall  out  of  me  in  her  sweet  womanly 
way. 

"If  you  ain't  too  busy  with  your  war  work," 
says  Ma  very  gentle  but  firm,  "I'd  like  to  talk 
to  you  about  something  before  we  set  down  to 
[108] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


the  skeleton  lunch  which  is  waiting  and  can 
be  continued  in  our  next  for  all  I  care!"  she 
says. 

Well,  I  got  that  gone-around-the-middle 
feeling  which  I  always  get  when  Ma  gives  me 
a  certain  look,  just  like  I  used  to  when  she'd 
tell  me  soap  was  good  for  washing  out  the 
mouths  of  kids  which  had  told  a  lie.  And  so 
t  just  set  there  and  listened. 

"Now,  Mary  Gilligan,"  she  commenced. 
"Do  you  know  the  size  of  the  cheque  you  signed 
over  to  the  hotel  last  night?" 

"About  twelve-fifty,"  I  says  sort  of  getting 
a  glimmer. 

"When  your  Pa  and  me  was  married  he  give 
me  twelve  a  week  for  all  our  meals!"  she  says, 
and  set  back  and  folded  her  hands  in  a  way 
which  said  all  she  hadn't. 

"But  times  has  changed,"  I  says  sort  of 
feeble. 

"But  appetites  has  not!"  says  Ma.  "And 
how  can  you  keep  in  good  training  on  this  war- 
nonsense?"  she  wanted  to  know.  "Not  to  men- 
tion me,  which  it  might  improve  my  figure  but 
never  my  disposition?" 

"But  how  about  making  war  sacrifices  and 
[109] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


all,  Ma?"  I  says.  "Jim  ain't  eating  like  we 
done  up  till  yesterday!" 

"Xor  he  ain't  eating  twelve  dollar  dinners  at 
the  Ritz,  neither,"  she  reminds  me,  at  which  of 
course  I  shut  up  and  she  went  on.  "Now  I 
dont  believe  being  stingy  to  ourselves  is  really 
gonner  help  the  war.  You  have  strode  in 
upon  my  department  for  once,  Mary  Gilligan, 
and  I'm  going  to  put  you  out!  You  don't 
know  where  to  economize  and  I  do.  Xo  more 
eating  out,  and  a  good  sensible  table  at  home, 
minus  cream  cakes,"  she  says,  "is  what  wTe  do 
from  now  on!" 

And  with  that  she  marches  out  leaving  me 
flat  as  one  of  her  own  pan-cakes.  Well,  this 
was  bad  enough,  but  when  Musette  got  after 
me  as  I  was  dressing  to  go  for  my  five  miles, 
I  seen  that  my  humbling  for  the  day  was  not 
finished. 

"That  dress  Madam  bought  yesterday,"  she 
began. 

"You  can  have  it!"  I  said,  beating  her  to  it, 
or  so  I  thought. 

"Thank  you,  I  do  not  care  for  it,"  says 
Musette.  I  was  just  remarking  it  is  really 
not  fit  to  wear  again.  Madam  would  of  done 
better  to  pay  a  little  more!" 

[no] 


PRO  BOXEIIEAD  PUBLICO 


Can  you  beat  it?  You  can  not!  Two  falls 
from  one  pride!  Believe  you  me  I  took  some 
walk  that  afternoon,  and  if  I  had  wore  a  speed- 
omiter  I  bet  it  would  have  registered  a  lot  over 
five  miles.  And  while  I  was  walking  I  kept 
getting  madder  and  madder  and  more  and 
more  worked  up  over  what  boneheads  people 
was  and  how  was  a  person  to  economize  now- 
adays and  how  on  earth  would  I  sell  all  them 
stamps  by  Saturday  night  with  a  matinee  in 
between  and  keep  my  promise  to  President 
Wilson?  It  begun  to  look  like  I  was  going  to 
have  to  become  one  of  them  sidewalk  pests.  I 
got  a  real  good  picture  of  myself  going  up  to 
the  proud  or  pesky  passer-by,  and  getting 
turned  down  so  often  that  my  spirit  was  bent 
thinking  of  it. 

But — believe  you  me — I  made  up  my  mind 
that  if  I  had  to  hold  up  anybody  to  make 
them  invest  in  the  World's  Soundest  Securities 
or  W.S.S.  I  would  hold  them  up  good  and 
plenty  and  no  disguise  about  it.  I  thought 
again  about  my  revolver,  the  one  which  I  had 
used  it  in  the  movies  when  I  done  "The 
Dancer's  Downfall"  for  them  and  kept  it  for 
a  souvenir.  I  was  that  wrought  up  over  the 
situation  that  by  the  time  I  got  home  I  had 
[111] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


pretty  near  decided  I'd  take  that  fire-arm  to 
the  theatre  and  lock  the  doors  and  come  down 
front  center  and  shoot  out  one  of  the  lights  to 
show  I  meant  it  and  then  take  the  money  right 
off  the  audience.  The  theatre  being  my  native 
•element  it  seemed  only  natural  to  pull  the  trick 
there,  only  being  a  lady  the  gun  really  did  look 
a  little  rough  only  not  more  so  than  the  public 
deserved. 


Well,  anyways,  I  was  certainly  up  against 
it  with  all  them  blanks  still  on  my  hands  and  no 
way  in  sight  of  getting  rid  of  them.  And  just 
to  make  things  nice  and  pleasant,  what  do  I  see 
when  I  come  on  the  stage  that  night  but  Ruby 
Roselle  and  her  £>et  lounge-lizzard  which  were 
sitting  in  a  box.  She  certainly  seems  to  go  in 
for  reptiles  for  pets.  And  no  sooner  did  I  get 
off  after  my  eighth  curtain  call,  than  around 
she  comes  to  my  dressing  room  and  hands  me  a 
check  for  her  stamps  and  for  the  ones  she  had 
undertaken  to  sell  and  already  had. 

"I  suppose  yours  is  all  sold  too!"  says  Ruby. 
"You  are  so  efficient,  dearie!" 

"Oh,  mine  are  all  right!"  I  snapped.     "Or 
will  be  by  this  time  to-morrow." 
[112] 


PRO  BONKHEAD  PUBLICO 


"Why,  ain't  they  gone?"  she  cooed.  And 
did  I  wish  for  my  gun?  I  did!  "Ain't  you 
give  any  of  them  cards  out  yet?"  she  says. 

"No!"  I  says.  "But  I  will— I'll  commence 
with  you,  dear  Miss  Roselle,"  I  says.  "And 
here  you  are" — and  I  filled  out  the  receipt 
cards  which  I  had  a  few  in  my  vanity  case  for 
emergencies,  and  give  them  to  her.  When  she 
took  them  I  noticed  she  had  a  awful  funny  look 
in  her  eye,  hut  at  the  time  it  meant  nothing  to 
me.  Alas !  Would  I  had  heeded  it  more — hut 
no — solid  ivory!  Solid  ivory!  I  passed  it  up 
completely.  And  Iluby  grabbed  the  cards, 
collected  her  new  pet  animal,  and  went  away. 

Well,  my  state  of  mind  that  night  was  dis- 
tinctly poor,  even  after  the  nice  little  well-bal- 
lanced  war-ration  of  hot  chocolate  and  corn 
bread  with  brown  sugar  which  INI  a  had  for  me 
and  delicious  as  anything  you  ever  ate  if  she 
did  get  the  recipe  out  of  a  newspaper  and  they 
so  unreliable  nowadays.  But  no  letter  from 
Jim,  and  so  after  I  had  asked  Ma  if  she 
thought  it  was  right  to  wear  black.  I  went  to 
bed  and  fell  into  a  exhausted  sleep  which 
lasted  well  on  toward  the  box-office  man's 
afternoon  on,  because  Ma  always  lets  me  sleep 
late  when  I  have  to  dance  twice. 
[113] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Well,  anyways,  I  was  so  rushed  getting  to 
the  theatre  for  the  matinee  that  I  hadn't  no 
time  to  try  any  of  that  sidewalk  stuff,  only  I 
did  get  a  cheque  from  each  of  the  other  com- 
mittee members  and  told  Ma  to  send  them  re- 
ceipt cards.  And  did  I  feel  cheap?  I  did! 
A  flivver,  that  was  what  I  had  made.  But 
so  long  as  Jim  was  surely  dead  by  now,  I  didn't 
care  for  myself.  Only  my  promise  to  Mr. 
Wilson  made  a  lump  in  my  throat  while  doing 
my  three  hand-springs  and  the  "Valse  Su- 
perb," which  shows  how  bad  I  felt.  And  what 
do  you  know,  when  I  took  my  encore,  there  was 
Ruby  Iloselle  again,  down  in  front  and  all 
alone. 

This  got  about  the  last  butt  out  of  my  goat 
and  I  sent  an  usher  to  get  her,  but  Ruby  had 
went  before  the  usher  had  made  up  her  mind 
to  undertake  the  mission.  I  was  just  about 
wild  all  the  way  home,  and  the  sight  of  Ma's 
face  when  I  got  there  almost  made  me  cry  it 
was  that  sweet  and  friendly.  Honest  to  Gawd 
when  Ma  has  got  her  own  way  about  anything 
she  is  just  lovely  to  be  with!  And  having 
got  the  kitchen  back  and  the  grandest  dish  of 
baked  beans  all  full  of  molasses  and  salt  pork 
for  dinner,  she  was  feeling  fine  and  I  was  the 
[114] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


same  under  her  influence  and  even  let  her  play 
"Sing  Me  to  Sleep"  with  the  loud  pedal  on 
Jim's  souvenir  afterwards  and  never  said  a 
word  to  her  about  it,  though  suffering  while  I 
listened.  And  then  it  was  time  to  go  back  to 
the  theatre  and  I  took  Musette  and  that  whole 
box  of  cilt  edsred  securities  which  seemed  no 
good  to  nobody,  but  I  took  them,  and  a  good 
yet  bad  thing  I  did,  for  on  the  way  downtown 
I  decided  what  to  do,  and  when  I  got  there, 
called  the  ushers  and  gave  them  instructions 
and  a  little  something  else  by  way  of  promot- 
ing kindly  feelings.  And  then  with  beating 
heart  I  beat  it  for  the  dressing  room  and  com- 
menced rubbing  on  my  make-up  cream  with 
trembling  fingers. 

Did  you  ever  make  one  of  them  critical  de- 
cisions which  you  knew  in  your  heart  you  wras 
actually  going  to  carry  it  through  and  no 
camouflage,  even  if  it  killed  you  and  it  very 
likely  to?  Well,  when  I  decided  to  make  a 
speech  right  out  in  public  I  got  that  feeling — 
do  you  get  me?  And  any  Elk  or  other  lodge 
member  which  attends  annual  banquets  will 
know  what  I  mean.  Honest  to  Gawd  I  nearly 
missed  my  cue,  and  after  I  finally  got  on  the 
[115] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


stage  the  dance  I  did  must  of  been  either  auto- 
matic or  a  inspiration  and  I  don't  know  why 
they  liked  it  out  in  front,  but  they  did.  All  I 
personally  myself  could  hear  was  "Ladies  and 
Gentleman,  I  want  to  speak  a  word  to  you" — 
You  know!  And  hand-springs  in  between! 
Well  of  course  when  I  come  out  for  my  first 
encore  I  didn't  have  the  wind  to  say  nothing — 
But  my  eyes  was  as  good  as  ever  and  there  in 
a  box  was  Ruby  Roselle  again! 

Believe  you  me — that  was  a  jolt  and  a  half! 
Here  she  had  come  to  give  me  the  laugh  I  had 
no  doubt,  and  somehow  after  the  second  call 
my  wind  was  all  of  a  sudden  back  good  and 
stronff  and  with  it  came  my  courage.  For  I 
wouldn't  of  been  downed  by  her,  not  for  any- 
thing ! 

So  stepping  foreward  in  a  modest  manner 
I  held  up  my  hand  and  the  house  got  quiet 
and  listened.  As  I  have  said,  the  show  was  at 
the  Spring  Garden,  and  it's  awful  big  and  I 
had  never  knew  how  full  of  silence  it  could  be 
until  I  heard  the  sound  of  my  own  voice  all 
alone  in  it.  But  after  a  minute  I  got  used  to 
it,  and  so  interested  in  trying  to  convince  the 
folks,  that  I  didn't  care. 

"Ladies  and  Gentlemen,"  I  says.  "This  is 
[110] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


going  to  be  a  plain,  good  old-fashioned  hold- 
up 1  If  you  listen  hard,  maybe  you'll  hear  the 
screams  of  the  women  and  children,  and  the 
groans  of  the  wounded  pocket-books !  Far  be 
it  from  me  to  do  anything  so  unrefined  as  to 
actually  use  a  gun  on  you,"  I  says,  "but  I'm 
going  to  do  the  next  thing  to  it.  I'm  going 
to  sell  eleven  thousand  dollars  worth  of  W.S.S. 
right  here  and  now,  and  you  are  going  to  buy 
them.  I  know  all  of  you  has  probably  been 
buying  them  all  day  and  is  sick  of  them,  but  I 
have  personally  promised  President  Wilson  to 
do  as  much  by  to-night  without  fail  and  you 
must  help  me  make  good.  And  no  matter  how 
many  you  have  bought,"  I  says,  "unless  you 
have  a  thousand  dollars  worth  you  can  spend 
another  ten  or  so  apiece.  Xow,  as  I  say,  I 
know  this  is  a  hold-up,  because  it  is  meant  to 
be.  And  any  public  which  can  sit  here  in  a 
theatre  and  feel  anoyed  at  having  to  buy  a  few 
stamps  when  a  million  of  our  boys  is  over  in 
far-away,  sort  of  unreal  France,  giving  their 
lives,  had  ought  to  have  a  machine  gun  turned 
on  them  from  this  stage  instead  of  a  line  of 
talk!  Probably  this  is  the  first  time  in  the 
history  of  finances  that  it  has  been  necessary 
to  jolly  a  crowd  into  making  a  good  invest- 
[117] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


ment.  If  I  was  selling  stock  in  a  fake  gold 
mine,"  I  says,  "you  would  probably  be  climb- 
ing on  the  stage  to  get  it !  Now  will  everybody 
willing  to  take  ten  dollars  worth  kindly  stand 
upf 

There  was  a  few  laughs,  and  a  few  people 
got  up  here  and  there,  sort  of  shamefaced. 

"Come  on!"  I  says.  "Come  0:1 — are  you 
all  cripples?  You  over  there — only  ten  dol- 
lars— save  it  on  next  months  grocery  bill — all 
right — save  it  on  your  auto  bill!" 

A  few  more  got  up  then,  but  not  nearly 
enough  and  I  caught  sight  of  Coldringer  in 
the  wings  by  then  and  not  having  warned  him 
what  I  was  going  to  do,  I  could  tell  by  his  ex- 
pression that  I  mustn't  hold  the  stage  too  long 
or  a  militaristic  system  would  right  away  be 
born  in  our  theatre.     So  I  got  desperate. 

"Xo  more!"  I  called.  "Oh,  come  ca  ret  uo! 
Will  I  send  for  crutches,  or  are  you  only  shy? 
Remember,  I  got  that  money  promised !  Only 
ten  dollars  each!" 

But  no  more  stirred.  For  a  minute  I 
thought  my  flivver  was  complete,  and  then  I 
got  a  idea.  I  went  over  and  beckoned  to 
George,  the  orchestra  leader,  and  shaking  all 
over  at  my  own  nerve,  I  whispered  to  him. 
[118] 


PI10  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


George  grinned  and  passed  along  the  whisper 
to  his  crew,  and  in  another  minute  that  audi- 
ence was  standing,  every  last  one  of  them,  and 
— believe  you  me — the  Star  Spangled  Banner 
had  never  sounded  so  good  to  me  before! 

Well,  anyways,  my  pep  all  come  back  and  I 
jumped  off  the  stage  as  I  see  the  ushers 
couldn't  possibly  handle  the  orders  alone,  and 
wait  or  no  wait,  the  way  that  audience  took 
my  hold-up  was  something  grand,  it  was  that 
good  natured,  although  of  course  a  Broadway 
crowd  gets  sort  of  hardened  to  having  their 
money  taken  away  from  them  roughly.  They 
was  lambs,  and  took  cards  so  fast  I  couldn't 
have  shufTIed  them  good  if  it  had  been  a  game. 

Well,  anyways,  when  I  finally  got  back  to 
my  dressing-room  and  the  trained  animals  had 
come  on  at  last — believe  you  me — I  was  all  in, 
but  not  a  card  left,  and  not  alone  eleven  thou- 
sand dollars  but  thirteen-flfty  in  actual  cash! 
I  didn't  worry  none  about  having  too  much  as 
I  never  see  a  committee  yet  which  couldn't  use 
more  money  than  it  had  ast  for,  the  White 
Kittens  always  having  a  deficit.  And  then  I 
just  put  the  boodle  away  safe  in  my  tin  make- 
up box  which  I  had  emptied  because  it  locked 
[119] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


good,  and  took  me  and  Musette  and  it  home 
to  Ma. 

Well,  that  was  ahout  all  for  that,  and  I  had 
a  fine  sleep  that  night  after  sending  the  Presi- 
dent a  wire  telling  him  I  had  the  money  all 
right.  And  if  only  the  censor  had  loosened 
up,  I  would  have  been  perfectly  happy,  with 
all  that  cash  in  my  little  Burglar's  Delight 
over  the  mantle-piece  and  a  good  real  energy- 
making  breakfast  coming  to  me  in  the  morning. 

But  alas  for  false  security,  as  the  poet  says. 
No  sooner  had  Ma  and  me  ate  breakfast  next 
morning  than  in  came  Musette  and  says  there 
are  two  gentlemen  outside  wants  to  see  me. 
Well,  it  seems  they  wouldn't  give  their  names 
so  I  says  show  them  in  for  on  account  of  Ma 
always  making  us  dress  in  real  clothes  for 
breakfast  Sundays,  it  was  alright. 

Well,  in  come  two  gentlemen  then,  and  if 
was  easy  to  see  one  was  a  cop.  Why  he  didn't 
have  green  whiskers  or  something  I  dont  know 
because  the  one  citizen  you  can  always  spot  is 
a  cop,  and  that  tweed  suit  was  no  disguise,  al- 
though he  seemed  to  think  so.  I  got  a  awful 
funny  feeling  in  my  stomach  at  this  sight  al- 
though there  was  nothing  on  my  mind  but  my 
[120] 


PRO  BONEHEAD  PUBLICO 


hair  pins.  The  other  was  a  gentleman  and  no 
disguise  about  him,  and  I  sort  of  took  to  him 
right  away  and  dropped  my  society-co  nedy 
manner  which  is  such  a  good  weapon  of  de- 
fense against  strangers  because  I  knew  right 
away  he  would  see  through  it  on  account  of  him 
being  the  real  thing. 

"Miss  LaTour?"  he  says  politely. 

"Yes,"  I  says,  "what  can  I  do  for  you?" 

"Alias  Mary  Gilligan?"  says  the  cop,  which 
was  right  in  character  and  hadn't  ought  to  of 
got  Ma's  goat  like  it  done. 

"Alias  nothing!"  says  Ma.  "Gilligan  is 
her  right  name  and  you  can  see  my  marriage 
certificate  and  the  date  is  on  it  plain!" 

"Better  leave  this  to  me  for  a  moment, 
O'Rourke,"  says  the  nice  gentleman,  about 
Pa's  age,  he  must  have  been.  Then  he  turns 
to  me  while  the  cop  took  a  back  seat. 

'"Miss  LaTour,"  the  gent,  began,  "I  am 
one  of  the  local  W.S.S.  committee — Pioneer 
Division — Pierson  Langton  is  my  name.  And 
I  have  come  to  see  you  concerning  your  sale 
last  night!" 

Well — believe  you  me — the  minute  I  heard 
his  name  I  had  him  spotted !  One  of  the  F.  P. 
[121] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


V's  of  jST.Y.  and  I  had  often  seen  his  name  in 
the  paper  with  war-work  and  all. 

"Do  sit  down,  hoth!"  I  says  real  cordial. 
"I  am  so  glad  to  see  you!  It's  kind  of  you 
to  come,  because  of  course  I  was  going  to  bring 
you  the  money  the  first  thing  in  the  morning! 
Just  wait  till  I  get  my  make-up  boxl" 

And  without  mvinn;  him  time  to  say  another 
word  I  hurried  out  and  got  it,  the  cop  watch- 
ing me  with  his  hand  on  his  hip.  When  I 
come  back  and  give  Mr.  Langton  the  box  and 
key,  he  looked  real  surprised. 

"Twenty-five  thousand  cash!"  I  says. 
"Would  you  mind  counting  it?"  lie  give  me 
one  cf  the  funniest  looks  I  ever  had  handed  out, 
but  he  done  like  I  asked.  Then  he  '  or  up,  box 
under  one  arm,  and  bowed,  and  sat  down  again. 

"Miss  LaTour,"  he  said.  "I  think  I  win 
a  bet  with  our  friend  O'Kourke,  here!  I  was 
sure  you  were  all  right.  Your  reputation  was 
on  the  face  of  it  too  valuable  for  such  an  open 
fraud.  And  your  utter  disingenuousness  is 
the  final  proof!" 

"Fraud!     What  do  you  mean:''  I  gasped. 

"There's  been  a  complaint  about  your  selling 
W.S.S.  without  no  authority!"  says  O'Rourke 
at  this.  "Entered  last  night  by  Miss  Ruby 
[122] 


PRO  BONEIIEAD  PUBLICO 


Roselle.  We  got  your  cards  here,  that  she 
handed  in.  But  you  ain't  got  no  stamps!  I 
dont  know  but  what  we  ought  to  make  a  arrest, 
Mr.  Langton!" 

"I  will  be  obliged  to  you  if  you  will  let  the 
matter  drop  for  the  moment,"  says  Mr.  Lang- 
ton.  "This  young  lady  acted  in  good  faith,  I 
am  convinced.  And  now,  Miss  LaTour,  per- 
haps you  will  tell  us  how  this  all  came  about?" 

Well,  did  I  tell  him?  I  did!  I  never  told 
anything  readier.  And  then  I  took  out  the 
President's  letter  which  I  had  it  on  me,  and 
told  how  I  had  writ  to  him  at  once,  partially 
because  I  couldn't  read  the  other  fellows  name. 

"I  accept  the  reproof,"  said  Mr.  Langton. 
"I  will  get  a  rubber-stamp  to-morrow !" 

Then  his  eyes  twinkled  at  me  in  the  nicest 
way,  and  I  twinkled  back,  and  after  that  I 
knew  the  cop  hadn't  a  chance  of  running  me  in, 

J-  o  * 

which  was  a  big  relief,  for  my  hands  felt  like 
a  couple  of  clams,  about  then,  I  was  so  scared. 

"So  you  ain't  mad?"  I  says  to  Mr.  Langton. 

"Not  a  bit!"  he  says.  "I  think  it  can  all 
be  straightened  out.  But  of  course  you  under- 
stand that  what  you  did  was  a  trifle — er — ir- 
regular. If  you  will  come  down  to  head- 
quarters to-morrow  and  meet  the  members  of 
[123] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


our  board,  we  will  be  glad  to  assist  you  in  form- 
ing a  more  regular  organization." 

And  I  said  I  would,  and  then  we  all  said 
good-by  real  friendly,  even  the  cop.  And  I 
felt  awful  sort  of  excited  and  scared  and  glad 
that  Huby  had  pulled  that  stuff,  for  if  she 
hadn't  I  might  actually  of  gone  to  jail,  I  could 
see  that  plain  enough  now!  And  so,  to  let  off 
a  little  steam  when  they  had  all  gone  I  sat 
down  to  my  souvenir  and  started  off  "Over 
There  in  Four  Handed  Arrangement."  Then 
just  as  I  had  got  it  going  good,  Ma,  who  was 
reading  the  Sunday  paper,  gave  a  holler.  I 
turned  around  quick,  and  there  her  eyes  was 
popping  out  of  her  head  and  glued  to  the  front 
page. 

"Jim!"  she  shrieked.     "My  Gawd!" 

Well,  how  I  reached  that  paper  I  don't 
know,  but  somehow  I  did  and  there  it  was  right 
in  the  middle  column. 

"American  Dancer  Now  An  Ace,  James 
La  Tour  Brings  Down  Three  Enemy 
Planes  In  One  Afternoon." 

Oh,  my  heavens!  Didn't  I  yell,  just!  And 
me  knocking  the  newspapers  and  the  censor. 
And  all  the  time  Jim  had  been  merely  too  busy 
to  write ! 

[124] 


Ill 

HOLY  SMOKES 


To  Miss  Marie  LaTour, 
Palatial  Apartments, 
0256  Riverside  Drive, 
New  York  City, 
U.  S.  A.  America. 
(Kindly  forward  if  on  tower) 

Passed  by  censor. 
Dear  Mary: 

Well  say  little  one,  I  am  certainly  glad 
your  health,  new  contracts  and  the  two 
fool  dogs  is  both  doing  so  nicely  and  as  for  the 
cigarettes  they  were  O.K.  not  to  say  swell. 
Only  dearie,  it  ain't  hardly  necessary  to  have 
my  monogram  on  the  next  lot  for  Fritz  has 
never  waited  for  me  to  catch  up  to  him  so's  I 
could  offer  him  one  and  he's  about  the  only 
person  would  be  impressed  by  the  J.  La  T.  be- 
cause our  own  boys  kid  me  about  any  little 
[125] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


thing  like  that  on  account  of  their  knowing  me 
to  be  your  dancing-partner  and  not  to  men- 
tion husband  and  they  are  still  slow  to  realize 
that  it  takes  a  real  he-man  to  swing  you  around 
my  neck  twenty  times  like  we  do  in  the  Tango 
de  Lux,  and  I  have  to  continually  keep  show- 
ing them. 

Then  another  good  reason  for  no  gold  mono- 
gram is  that  the  price  of  same  would  cover 
quite  a  bunch  of  cheap  smokes  and  dearie  hand- 
ing them  about  is  more  to  me  than  my  own  per- 
sonal vanity  and  would  be  the  same  with  my 
shirts  if  necessary,  while  over  here  in  distant 
Belgium  I  realise  it  was  also  a  waste  to  have 
them  embroidered  on  the  sleeve  because  the 
dam  chinaman  always  used  to  mark  them  up 
with  monograms  of  his  own  anyways. 

Speaking  of  money  we  used  to  spend  on  un- 
essentials  before  the  war,  I  tell  you  dearie  we 
certainly  learn  in  the  army,  especially  since 
getting  into  this  recaptured  territory,  that 
many  objects  we  would  have  swore  could  not 
be  done  without  is  laid  off  like  the  extra  people 
after  the  ball-room  scene  and  nobody  misses 
them  until  somebody  sends  over  one  of  them — 
like  them  monogramed  smokes  of  yours.  Im- 
mediately I  got  them  I  commenced  to  think 
[126] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


about  little  old  B'way  and  dry-martinis  and  my 
little  old  roadster  with  the  purple  body  and  the 
red  wheels,  and  us  dancing  at  the  palatial  with 
the  juice  full  on  us,  red  and  green,  violet  and 
amber.  Oh  Kid !  it  made  me  home-sick ! !  But 
then  we  got  a  order  to  start  on  cleaning  up 
after  them  Botches  again  and  so  I  forgot 
everything  but  you  and  my  new  step — which 
was  forward,  double  line!  < 

Well,  sweetie,  now  about  this  smokes  ques- 
tion. Of  course  your  Ma  having  been  with 
the  circus  is  used  to  giving  up  things,  as  natu- 
rally in  a  trapese-act  such  as  hers  used  to  be 
she  would  need  all  the  nerve  she  had  and  even 
eating  a  welsh  rabbit  would  of  been  a  wild 
party  to  her.  The  center  ring  is  no  joke  and 
forty  feet  above  it  on  a  trapese  from  the  cen- 
ter canvas  less  so.  But  trapese  work  has  not 
yet  been  offered  to  the  Allies  except  mebbe 
Itily  on  them  mountains  and  any  lady  which 
starts  a  society  to  keep  smokes  from  soldiers, 
may  be  strong  in  morals  but  is  surely  weak  in 
the  head,  which  I  never  knew  your  Ma  to  be 
before.  She  being  always  not  only  a  lady  but 
a  great  little  picker  on  contracts  and  what 
would  we  of  done  without  her  that  time  Gold- 
ringer  tried  to  slip  the  "satisfactory  to  the 
[1271 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Goldringer    Theatrical    Productions    Corp." 
stuff  over  on  us  and  she  spotted  it? 

But  for  the  love  of  liberty  can  this  idea  of 
hers  about  it  not  being  good  for  the  boys  to 
smoke  and  make  her  quit  worrying  about  us 
tearing  around  France  learning  no  new  sins. 
For  sweetie  the  crimes  a  man  can  committ  on 
whats  left  of  his  pay  after  the  alotment  is  took 
out  and  the  insurance  and  the  liberty  bonds 
instalments  would  be  sanctioned  by  anybody 
in  the  country  even  if  his  coller  buttoned  up  the 
back.  For  take  it  or  leave  it,  liquor,  ladies 
and  lyrics  is  as  expensive  here  as  north  of  42nd 
str.,  and  our  pay  dont  go  for  them  even  after 
distracting  the  above. 

Why  me  and  a  fellow  went  off  on  leave  to 
a  general  store  in  a  town  which  I  couldn't  spell 
for  you  much  less  mention  it,  even  if  per- 
mitted. But  anyways  we  went  to  it  and  Mac 
bought  some  winterweights  and  they  was  four- 
fifty  a  pair  and  no  better  than  the  U.S.  seven- 
ty-five cent  kind,  and  I  got  two  pair  socks  a 
dollar  per  each  and  two  bananas  for  2.3c,  which 
only  goes  to  show  everything  here  is  terrible 
expensive  except  nessessaties.  So  dont  let  your 
Ma  worry  over  me  spending  my  remaining 
nickel  on  vice. 

[128] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


I  note  what  you  say  about  the  way  folks  at 
home  get  your  goat  by  passing  the  buck  on 
wTar-reliefs — if  it's  chocolet  they  say  they've 
just  given  to  tobacco,  if  it's  tobacco  they  just 
bought  a  W.S.S.,  and  if  it's  W.S.S.  they 
just  got  a  hatful  of  bonds,  or  if  it's  bonds  they 
just  give  their  last  cent  to  chocolet — passing 
the  buck  all  along  the  line.  Well  dearie,  I 
guess  mebbe  that's  their  way  of  getting  a  little 
war-relief  of  their  owrn,  but  as  you  say  why 
would  they  need  any  relief  when  the  fact  that 
they  are  for  the  most  part  without  cooties  ought 
to  be  relief  enough  in  itself?  Let  alone  hav- 
ing to  dodge  only  taxi  cabs  and  bill-collectors 
instead  of  shells.  Only  of  course  we  dont  have 
to  do  that  now,  only  shell-holes,  and  dodge 
them  in  a  hurry  to  2ret  one  last  look  at  the  Ger- 
man  army  before  it  puts  on  its  good  old  soup 
and  fish — or  whatever  the  German  for  civilized 
clothing  is,  that  is  if  they  have  any. 

But  you  are  right  girlie,  to  boost  the  smokes. 
We'll  need  them  for  a  long  while  yet.  I  know 
you  have  been  obliged  to  keep  your  own  from 
your  Ma  and  what  with  not  really  caring  for 
peppermints  it  has  been  hard  all  these  years. 
But  while  her  trapeese  wrork  stood  alone  in  its 
day  and  no  one  on  Broadway  is  more  respected 
[129]    ' 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


at  this  writing  and  as  a  mother-in-law  I  have 
no  complaint  on  her  outside  of  her  wearing 
my  dress-pumps,  this  one  time  she  is  dead 
wrong.  Soldiers  are  not  always  acrobats  and 
they  do  need  to  smoke  and  your  Ma  will  put 
herself  in  the  small-time  reform  class  if  she 
dont  look  out.  When  I  think  of  the  stuff  I 
seen  up  and  down  Broadway  and  elsewhere  in 
my  days  which  could  be  reformed  and  no  one 
miss  it,  I  get  hot  when  I  hear  this  talk  about 
keeping  the  army  pure.  Take  it  or  leave  it, 
but  the  truth  is  the  Huns  has  kept  us  pure 
alright — they  sweat  all  the  wickedness  out  of 
us  running  after  them. 

But  to  get  back  to  the  tobacco  stuff.  Dont 
let  nothing  hinder  you  from  bothering  every- 
body you  see  to  send  smokes.  We'll  use  'em 
up  never  fear!  And  if  you  was  to  be  walking 
down  the  Avenue  or  mebbe  Broadway  some- 
time and  a  box  in  your  hand  and  asking  for 
Smoke  Funds  or  something  whichever  way  its 
done — and  your  Ma  was  to  fight  her  way 
through  the  howling  mob  which  would  un- 
doubtedly be  surrounding  you  on  account  of 
course  the  best  known  parlor-dancing  act  in 
America  and  the  world  wouldn't  walk  out  look- 
ing for  funds  and  not  draw  a  mob  which  was 
p. 30] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


only  too  glad  to  see  you  for  five  cents  in  the 
smoke-fund-box  instead  of  two  dollars  in  the 
box  office — well,  anyways,  if  your  Ma  was  to 
force  her  way  through  this  mob  which  with  her 
weight  she  could  do  easily,  why  she  would  for- 
give you  in  the  end  if  not  right  there  on  the 
street,  and  I  believe  that  a  hand-organ  would 
start  and  play  hearts  and  flowers  at  that. 

Anyways,  keep  up  the  good  work  only  never 
mind  the  monograms  as  long  as  they  taste  like 
tobacco  and  can  be  lit.  And  if  you  fall  out 
with  Ma  just  tell  her  this  story  which  I  will 
tell  you  and  she  will  see  mebbe  God  didn't 
put  tobacco  in  the  world  merely  for  little  slum 
children  to  pluck  on  their  two  weeks  vacation 
in  all  its  green  beauty. 

Well,  the  story  is  like  this  sweetie,  and  I  will 
write  it  as  good  as  I  can  and  if  it  seems  cornicle 
go  ahead  and  get  a  good  laugh  only  take  it 
or  leave  it,  it  was  no  comedy  at  the  time.  But 
if  you  was  to  news  it  around  mebbe  the  folks 
at  home  would  start  dropping  something  be- 
side coppers  in  them  soda-fountain  boxes  you 
was  talking  about,  and  commence  trying  to 
squeeze  a  quarter  through  the  slot  now  and 
again.  Come  to  think  of  it,  the  biggest  thing 
a  copper  penny  can  buy  is  the  feeling  a  per- 
[131] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


son  gets  from  dropping  one  in  a  Belgium  milk 
bottle  or  home  for  crippled  children  or  Merry 
Xmas  for  the  Salvation  Army.  You  know 
the  cheap  chest  it  gives  you.  Many  a  liberty 
bond  has  been  left  in  the  Govts,  hands  by  a 
prospective  buyer  stumbling  on  a  "drop  a 
penny"  box  in  a  cigar  store  on  his  way  to  the 
cupon-cutters,  or  I  miss  my  guess.  I've  done 
the  same  in  my  day  and  the  man  who  says  he 
aint  raised  his  own  stock  with  himself  by  giv- 
ing a  nickle  to  the  Newsboys  Annual  Outing  is 
as  big  a  liar  as  the  guy  which  says  he  never 
loved  another  girl.  And  if  pennies  was  to  be 
cut  out  of  the  currency  a  whole  lot  of  cheap 
philanthropists  would  have  to  make  thier  con- 
cience  work  or  fight. 

Well,  anyways  you  go  right  on  boosting  the 
smoke-fund  and  never  mind  Ma.  She'll  learn 
different  some  day. 

Now  about  this  story  I  was  going  to  tell  you. 
First  off  leave  me  explain  that  the  drinking 
regulations  over  here  is  different  to  uniforms 
than  on  the  Rialto  and  America.  I  hunch  it 
that  the  managers  and  booking  agents  and  so 
forth  in  the  U.  S.  Military  Amusements  Co. 
inc.  figure  that  a  few  of  the  rules  have  to  be 
let  down  while  the  big  show  is  on.  Same  as  the 
[132] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


stars  can  lean  against  a  No  Smoking  sign  on 
the  big  time  and  roll  a  makin's  quite  openly. 
So  when  en  leave  and  even  someti  lies  in  the 
dressing-room  or  I  should  say  rest-billetts  a 
bottle  of  wine  is  not  out  of  order.  Very  dif- 
ferent sweetie,  from  the  night  Goldringer  gave 
me  in  my  uniform  the  big  send  off  at  the  llitz 
with  all  the  newspaper  bird  and  the  leads  and 
everybody  and  me  and  you  the  only  sober  per- 
son present,  do  you  remember? 

Well,  its  no  news  to  you  to  say  that  I  ha  vent 
forgot  I  am  a  proffessional  dancer  and  good 
condition  is  my  middle  name  for  my  future,  not 
to  mention  my  present  contract  with  Uncle 
Sam  and  that  a  sober  man  is  worth  more  to 
both — also  to  you  and  myself. 

But  the  Allies  dont  look  on  liquor  like  we 
do.  As  a  matter  of  fact  they  seldom  look  on 
what  we  would  call  liquor  at  all,  hardly  ever 
getting  a  glympse  of  anything  hard  such  as 
rye,  scotch  or  gin,  and  a  cocktail  being  prac- 
tically a  stranger  and  a  repulsive  one  at  that  to 
them.  But  wine  is  something  different  again. 
Which  while  with  us  it  is  the  high  sign  for  a 
big  party  and  flowing  only  in  extremely  good 
classes  such  as  at  the  lobster  layouts — leaving 
aside  dago  spagetti  parlors  when  folks  is  rest- 
[133] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


ing — with  them  it  is  a  common  matter  and 
everybody  drinks  it  and  while  there  aint  much 
kick  to  it,  still  it  has  it  all  over  the  water  we 
get  and  coming  under  their  idea  of  nessesities, 
is  low  in  price.  Of  course  by  wine  I  do  not 
mean  champagne  like  we  used  to  for  publicity 
purposes  order  for  our  dinner  in  public,  but 
stuff  made  out  of  common  grapes,  I  guess, 
and  with  the  seltzer  left  out. 

Well,  dearie,  the  reason  I  hand  you  all  this 
info,  is  that  the  story  I  am  going  to  tell  you  got 
started  because  of  this  wine.  "In  Venus  Veri- 
tas" you  know  or  so  they  say,  and  I  confess 
that  in  trying  to  get  a  little  kick  out  of  the 
stuff  I  got  sort  of  lit  and  that's  what  caused 
me  the  story. 

ii 

Well,  we  was  sort  of  waiting  off  stage  as  you 
might  call  it,  in  a  little  town  in  Belgium,  our 
act  having  just  been  on  and  a  pretty  lively  one 
it  was  and  the  Captain  give  us  a  pretty  good 
hand  on  it,  although  as  you  know  the  audience 
didn't  wait  for  the  finish  but  left  us  their  or- 
chestra seats  or  front  line  trenches  which  we 
moved  into  and  then  give  up  to  the  next  num- 
[134] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


ber  on  the  bill  and  come  back  to  watch  from 
the  wings,  or  would  of  only  we  was  a  little 
too  far  off. 

Well,  the  Capt.  felt  so  good  and  the  water 
was  so  bad  that  he  sent  a  delegation  back  for  a 
little  liquid  refreshment.  They  have  big  jugs 
over  here  like  the  molasses  is  kept  in  at  home 
only  here  it  is  frankly  boose  and  no  one  pre- 
tends any  different.  And  the  game  is  this. 
The  one  which  volunteers  for  this  dangerous 
work,  if  broke  himself,  takes  a  swig  or  so  out 
of  the  jug  lie  is  bringing  back  which  it  dont 
show  on  account  of  their  not  being  transparent 
and  so  the  officer  dont  get  any  surprise  until 
toward  the  end  of  the  jug  and  even  so  may 
think  he  took  more  than  he  had  thought.  The 
private  will  take  only  a  little  from  each  but  if 
there  is  jugs  enough  many  a  mickle  makes 
quite  a  jag. 

Well,  me  and  a  fellow  named  McFarland 
and  a  French  kid  called  Ceasare  was  each  given 
two  of  these  molasses  jugs  which  looked  like 
props,  and  was  sent  off  to  a  village  some  place 
in  congnito  for  vou  couldn't  pronounce  it. 
And  we  was  glad  enough  to  go  because  among 
other  things  we  was  short  of  smokes.  Some 
cleaver  actor  had  accidintly  lit  the  last  mess 
[135]   ' 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


fire  with  a  bale  of  Virginias  and  there  wasnt 
hardly  a  smoke  among  us. 

You  just  figure  out  how  it  would  feel  if 
you  was  to  have  a  bath  and  do  your  exercise  and 
eat  a  swell  breakfast  and  then  realise  there 
wasnt  a  pill  in  the  house!  Think  sweetie,  how 
your  brest  would  swell  up  with  alarm,  and  the 
royal  fit  you  would  throw  while  the  elevator 
boy  was  on  his  way  to  the  corner  drug  store! 
Why  figure  even  the  way  you  feel  once  you  get 
a  cigarette  in  your  face  and  then  cant  find  a 
match  for  two  whole  minutes.  Well,  take  it 
or  leave  it,  I  tell  you  that  feeling  is  a  whole  lot 
multiplied  on  the  victorious  fields  of  France 
when  little  friend  cigarette  is  notable  by  its 
absence.  A  empty  house  on  an  opening  night 
is  nothing  to  it.  So  you  can  see  where  me  and 
Ceasare  and  Mae  was  glad  to  get  in  the  neigh- 
borhood of  one,  leaving  even  all  considerations 
of  the  wTine  aside. 

Well,  wre  started  out  carrying  each  two  jugs 
and  as  we  went  the  fellow  which  acts  as  usher, 
or  sentry  on  the  road  hollers  at  us  do  we  know 
the  way  and  Ceasare  and  him  jabbered  at  each 
other  in  French  in  the  remarkable  fluent  way 
thev  do  over  here.  And  Ceasare  laughed  and 
when  we  asked  what  it  was  he  said  the  guy 
[136] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


told  him  to  look  out  Fritz  didnt  get  us  on  the 
open  road,  which  was  certainly  some  joke  for 
of  course  we  hadn't  been  able  to  get  near 
enough  to  Fritz  to  hear  him  in  some  time. 
So  we  laughed,  too,  for  if  any  snipers  had  man- 
aged to  stay  behind  and  opened  up  on  us  we 
could  of  spotted  them  and  wiped  them  out  if 
they  had  kept  it  up. 

Well  sweetie,  there  wasnt  any  road  exactly 
toward  the  place  we  was  bound  for  on  account 
of  our  having  done  considerable  trespassing  on 
private  property  and  taking  little  notice  of 
fences  whether  barbed- wire  or  civilian  or  shell- 
holes  or  trenches  but  having  went  straight 
ahead.  And  after  the  last  5  years  on  upper 
Broadway  you  will  realize  it  comes  easy  enough 
to  me,  I  often  having  come  unharmed  from  the 
Claridge  to  the  Astor,  and  the  French  fields 
has  nothing  on  that  crossing.  So  to  me  that 
first  part  of  the  trip  was  as  little  or  nothing 
and  I  was  the  cheer fulist  of  the  party  though 
we  was  all  pretty  cheerful  and  singing  a  little 
song  of  Ceasare's  which  I  dont  know  what  it 
means  but  I  guess  I'd  better  not  write  it  in 
for  fear  you  would. 

Well,  it  was  late  afternoon  and  awful  cold 
for  the  time  of  year,  and  I  was  thinking  that 
[137] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


at  home  the  frost  was  on  the  pumpkin  and  the 
pumpkin  would  soon  be  in  the  pie  and  the 
turkey  was  about  to  get  the  axe  and  Halloween 
was  due  and  a  lot  of  nice  things  like  that.  And 
after  a  lot  of  kilomets  had  been  covered,  we 
come  to  the  funny  little  town  which  looked  like 
the  back-drop  to  the  opening  seane  in  a  musi- 
cal comedy  only  all  shot  to  pieces  like  it  had 
been  on  the  road  with  a  Xo.  2  company  for  a 
long  and  successful  tower. 

Well,  we  come  to  it,  anyhow,  and  being  on 
duty  in  a  way  as  far  as  them  jugs  went — we 
went  with  them  and  took  what  we  could  afford 
our  ownselves  while  we  watched  \..  pa  Ceasare 
fill  'em  up.  Then  the  tobacco  dcj  ,.  claimed 
our  attention  only  to  find  there  wasn  i  any! 

Well,  sweetie,  I  have  tried  to  put  over  the 
way  I  felt  at  these  glad  tidings  and  the  censor 
wouldn't  of  stood  for  it,  so  out  she  goes!  But 
I  felt  that  way  all  right  and  so  did  Mac  and 
Ceasare. 

"I'll  no  beleeve  ut!"  says  Mack  which  he 
talks  a  funny  kind  of  way  like  Harry  Lauder. 
"I'll  no  beleeve  ut — theer  must  be  some  some- 
place aboot!" 

"Say  la  guyer!"  says  Ceasare  and  gives  a 
shrug,  although  he  was  a  lot  more  disappointed 
[138] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


than  Mac  on  account  of  Mac's  really  caring 
more  for  liquor  than  smoke  any  day.  "Say 
la  Guyer!"  he  says,  and  asks  his  pa  why  it  hap- 
pened and  his  pa  tells  him  and  he  translates  it 
to  Mac  and  me. 

"He  say  a  young  lady  have  took  it  all  only 
hour  ago  for  free  to  soldiers,"  he  explains. 

And  take  it  or  leave  it,  but  I  was  certainly 
a  little  sore  for  although  I  am  the  first  to  be- 
lieve in  the  other  fellow  getting  it,  still  this  time 
we  all  felt  like  the  other  fellow  was  us,  and  no 
doubt  she  had  took  it  to  the  nearest  camp  or 
hut,  and  so  I  ast  which  way  was  it  she  went 
for  mebbe  we  would  get  some  of  it.  And  then 
come  a  big  surprise. 

"No  'ospitil  here!"  Ceasare  explained  again. 
"An  no  'ut!  It  ees  too  soon  after  we  take  it. 
Then  papa  says  she  is  first  cross  red  lady  we 
have  seen  and  she  speak  in  French!" 

"Well,  that's  funny!"  I  says — and  of  course 
dearie  you  understand  this  had  been  enemy 
ground  only  a  little  before  and  that  there  was 
a  wine-shop  going  was  a  miricle  and  only  for 
it  being  Ceasare's  papa  we  wouldn't  of  got 
none,  which  is  how  he  come  to  be  along  with  us. 

Well,  we  all  felt  real  sore  and  disappointed 
but  took  it  like  a  man  for  of  course  a  red  cross 
[139] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


nurse  would  get  it  for  the  wounded  and  we  had 
our  health. 

So  papa  give  us  all  another  round  and  we 
took  the  big  molasses  jugs  and  started  off.  It 
was  getting  toward  twilight  and  pretty  cold 
and  I  will  say  it  give  me  sort  of  sore  feeling 
towards  the  folks  at  home  and  blamed  the  : 
for  letting  me  be  without  a  cigarette  and  you 
know  how  it  is  about  two  drinks  makes  me 
a  little  sore  at  things  and  I  began  to  cheer  up 
after  the  third  and  this  was  early  in  the  evening. 

]\Tot  so  Mac  lie  has  a  talent  for  drink. 
Well,  we  had  just  about  left  the  motion- 
picture  village  behind  us  when  he  commenced 
to  sing  and  while  I  dont  know  what  it  was 
about,  I  will  put  it  down  this  time  because  you 
wont  know  neither. 

"Fortune  if  thou'll  but  gie  me  still 
Hale  Breeks,  a  scone,  an'  whisky  gill, 
An'  rowth  o'  ryme  to  rave  at  will, 
Tak'  a'  the  rest, 

"An'  deal  't  about  as  they  blind  skill 
Direetss  thee  best." 

Well,    naturally    we    applauded    which    is 
always    safe   when   you    don't    understand    a 
[140] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


thing,  and  it  certainly  was  comical  for  Mac  is 
generally  a  quiet  cuss  and  a  tightwad  as  well. 
Then  I  spoke  up. 

"These  jugs  is  too  heavy!"  I  says.  "Let's 
lighten  'em  up  a  bit." 

Well  they  thought  so  and  we  done  it  and 
felt  better  and  then  I  sang  them: 

"Give  me  your  love 
The  sunshine  of  your  eyes!" 

And  both  Ceasare  and  Mac  commenced  to 
cry.  Mac  set  down  his  jugs  and  we  done  the 
sar.e  and  then  Mac  done  the  most  generous 
thing  I  ever  seen  a  Scotchman  do  even  in 
liquor.  He  reached  inside  his  bonnett  and 
took  out  three  cigarettes,  shook  the  bonnett  to 
show  they  was  actually  the  last,  and  give  us 
each  one  and  one  to  himself. 

Well,  we  all  sat  down  on  a  old  motor  chassis 
or  what  was  left  of  it,  and  burned  them  smokes 
like  insense,  not  speaking  a  word!  But  put- 
ting that  red  cross  lady  which  had  been  ahead 
of  us  out  of  our  minds  and  thinking  only  of 
how  we  was  going  to  give  Mac  our  next 
packages  from  home  when  they  come,  and  he 
mebbe  thinking  of  how  he  was  going  to  get 
[141] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


them.  And  then  we  all  made  our  jugs  a 
little  lighter  and  by  this  time  it  was  pretty 
dark  and  we  commenced  to  hurry  back.  Be- 
fore we  had  went  very  far  we  had  to  hesitate 
about  which  way.  Because  sweetie,  take  it  or 
leave  it,  what  you  write  about  getting  lost  in 
the  new  subway  has  nothing  on  finding  your 
way  about  after  dark  by  yourself  in  this  part 
of  the  world. 

Well,  Mac  was  sure  we  come  one  way  and 
I  was  sure  we  come  another  and  Ceasare  he  had 
a  different  hunch  from  either  of  us.  So  we  all 
took  another  little  drink  as  it  was  getting 
mighty  cold  by  now,  and  in  the  end  we  started 
off  Ceasare's  way  because  why  wouldnt  he 
know  best  which  way  wras  right  and  him  born 
and  raised  right  there  on  the  farm?  We 
trusted  to  his  judgment  just  like  him  and  Mac 
would  of  trusted  me  to  teil  the  taxi-driver 
where  to  go  from  Keens. 

So  we  went  like  he  said,  but  somehow  we 
didn't  seem  to  get  no  place  in  particular  al- 
though we  kept  on  going  for  a  long  time:  I 
couldn't  say  how  long,  but  it  seemed  like  a 
Battery  to  Harlem  job  to  me  only  by  now  I 
loved  everybody  but  Fritz  and  a  sort  of  fog 
had  come  up  or  so  I  thought,  and  we  was  all 

[142] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


singing,  each  our  own  sweet  songs  but  at  the 
same  time. 

"Lets  throw  away  a  few  of  these  jugs,"  I 
remember  saying — and  really  there  was  so  lit- 
tle in  some  of  them  it  wasn't  worth  carrying 
back  so  we  just  finished  them  off  and  threw 
them  away  and  then  we  come  upon  a  little  path 
— or  it  felt  like  it. 

"Allou!"  shouted  Ceasare,  "we  are  almost 
there!"  and  with  that  we  sure  got  the  surprise 
of  our  lifes,  for  rat-tat-tat-tat-tat  come  a  sput- 
ter of  machine  gun  fire  right  at  us. 

in 

At  first  we  was  very  much  jolted  by  this 
though  unhurt,  and  then  we  commenced  to 
think  it  was  a  joke.  Here  we  was  going  in 
behind  our  own  lines  and  being  fired  upon. 

"Shut  up,  ye  dam  fools!"  Mac  hollered. 
"Can  ye  no  recognize  yer  own  people?" 

Then  Ceasare  yelled  in  French,  but  they 
paid  no  attention  to  us.  Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat! 
it  come  again,  and  this  time  it  made  me  real 
mad.  I  figured  that  if  they  didn't  quit  their 
nonsense  somebody  was  liable  to  get  hurt.  So 
I  saved  what  was  left  in  my  last  jug,  threw 
[143] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


the  thing  away,  and  told  Ceasare  and  Mac  to 
come  on  and  leave  us  beat  up  the  poor  boobs 
with  the  nasty  sense  of  humor  and  show  them 
where  they  got  off.  Well,  Mac  and  him 
thought  this  was  a  good  idea  so  they  done  like 
I  done  and  we  ran  up  the  little  hill  which  we 
could  see  our  way  pretty  good  in  spite  of  the 
dark  because  they  never  let  up  on  us  but  kept 
right  on  spitting  fire.  Well,  we  got  very  mad 
by  this  time  and  to  tell  the  truth  I  can't  very 
well  recall  just  what  did  happen  only  when 
we  got  to  the  gun  the  boys  was  German! 

Well,  take  it  or  leave  it,  I  aint  had  a  jolt 
like  that  since  the  night  Goldringer  raised 
our  salary  of  his  own  accord  after  we  put  on 
the  La  Tour  Trot.  And  I  only  wisht  I  could 
remember  more  about  what  happened.  But 
for  quite  a  few  minutes  I  was  terrible  busy; 
and  I  guess  I  better  admit  I  was  tight — awful 
tight.  Of  course  there  was  five  of  them  and 
only  three  of  us,  and  equally  of  course  we 
licked  them  badly  and  took  only  one  prisoner 
but  not  being  anything  for  a  lady  to  read  I 
will  not  give  particulars  and  anyways  I  dont 
remember  any.  Of  course  it  was  one  of  them 
few  remaining  nest  of  hornets  which  we  had 
[14-1] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


joked  about,  but  really  hadn't  believed  was 
there. 

Well,  when  it  was  all  over  but  the  cheering 
and  we  was  sure  these  birds  had  been  all  by 
their  lonesome,  we  was  pretty  well  sobered 
and  hot  and  everything.  And  the  first  thing 
we  done  was  take  a  look  around  in  a  few 
places  for  tobacco.  And  take  it  or  leave  it — 
we  didn't  find  any!  Not  a  smoke  among  the 
lot !     Watter  you  know  about  that  ? 

But  one  good  thing  we  got  out  of  the  scrap 
was  our  senses  back  and  it  was  easy  enough  to 
spot  about  where  our  own  lines  would  be.  So 
after  we  figured  it  out,  and  taking  Fritz,  the 
one  prisoner,  along,  we  commenced  to  start  off 
that  way  and  you  can  bet  the  poor  boob  was 
glad  to  go  with  us.  You  would  of  thought  he 
had  wanted  to  be  with  us  all  the  time.  Just  like 
after  a  election  at  home.  Cant  find  anybody 
who  didnt  vote  the  winning  ticket.  Which 
joke  you  may  not  understand,  sweetie,  being  a 
lady,  and  I  will  not  now  stop  to  explain. 

Well,  we  started  back  alright  and  as  we 
come,  I  got  the  story  which  I  want  to  tell 
you  which  commenced  really  when  we  come  to 
that  old  barn.  Only  I  had  to  explain  how  we 
come  to  be  there  or  you  wouldnt  get  the  idea 
[145] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


of  what  I  am  driving  at  for  you  to  make  your 
Ma  understand. 

Ever  since  I  fell  out  of  my  airplane  and  was 
in  the  hospital  and  reenlisted  the  only  place 
they'd  take  me  back  was  in  the  infantry,  I  done 
a  lot  of  thinking — and  some  of  it  stuff  which 
might  mebbe  sound  awful  queer  coming  from 
me,  especially  after  some  of  the  language  I 
have  been  known  to  use  in  my  day,  and  while 
I  hope  I  aint  become  mushy,  I  certainly  do 
believe  there  is  more  to  religion  and  such 
things  than  we  have  thought.  Take  it  or 
leave  it,  mighty  few  fellows  have  lived  through 
this  war,  far  less  fought  through  it,  without 
getting  religion  of  some  kind  out  of  it.  I  win- 
der can  you  get  me '.  And  make  Ma  get  it  too. 
So  I'll  tell  what  happened  and  you  see  if  mir- 
icles  is  over  yet  or  not  for  this  is  a  true  fact  and 
not  a  story  somebody  told  me. 

Well,  after  we  cleaned  up  that  machine  gun 
nest  and  had  a  cute  little  live  German  prisoner 
of  our  very  own,  we  took  him  down  the  hill  with 
us  the  best  way  we  could  in  the  dark  and  it  full 
of  holes  and  what  not.  There  wasn't  a  bit  of 
light — no  moon  nor  stars  nor  nothing,  and  a 
wet  sort  ofsmell  that  made  us  wish  for  a  smoke 
the  way  hardly  nothing  else  is  ever  wished  for, 
[146] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


except  mebbe  a  motion-picture  salary  or  a 
drink  of  water  after  a  big  night — not  on  the 
desert. 

Well  we  got  on  pretty  good  because  we  was 
nearly  sober  now  and  Ceasare  he  knew  where 
we  was  going,  and  this  time  he  really  did,  and 
so  we  kept  up  pretty  good.  It  commenced  to 
rain  a  little  and  the  big  drops  felt  awful  nice 
against  my  cheeks  which  was  burning  hot. 
Made  me  think  of  when  I  was  a  kid  back  in 
Topeka  and  digging  out  to  school  and  a  pair 
of  red  mittens  I  had  which  my  mother  had 
made  them — good  knitting  and  well  made  like 
the  sweater  I  had  on  that  very  minute  which 
she  also  knit.  And  I  thought  of  me  and  you 
and  our  snow-sceane  when  we  done  that  dance 
on  the  Small  Time  with  the  sleighbells  on  our 
heels — remember  dear?  Before  we  had  really 
made  good  except  with  each  other?  And  I 
thought  about  love  too  and  a  lot  of  fool  stuff 
like  that.  And  then  I  heard  a  funny  sound 
for  thereabouts.  It  was  a  woman  moaning 
and  crying. 

Well,  at  first  I  thought  mebbe  I  was  crazy 

or  imagined  it,  but  Mac  who  was  walking  in 

front  with  our  own  little  Fritz  stopped  short 

and  so  did  Fritz  and  listened.     It  come  again 

[147] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


— the  most  dismal  thing  you  ever  want  to  hear. 
I  turned  to  Ceasare  and  he  had  heard  it. 

"Say  drool,"  he  says,  which  means  "Its 
funny"  only  it  wasnt  and  he  didnt  mean  it  that 
way,  but  the  other  way.     You  know. 

"It  sure  is !"  I  says.    "There  she  goes  again !" 

"I  think  theers  a  wee  bit  housie  over  theere!" 
says  Mac. 

"It  is  the  barn  of  my  cousin's  uncle,"  says 
Ceasare.     "We  better  go  look." 

So  with  that  we  started  across  the  road  to 
where  sure  enough  was  a  funny  little  barn — 
stone  with  a  grass  roof — peculiar  to  these 
parts,  I  guess.  The  nearer  we  got  the  louder 
the  noise  was,  but  no  words  to  it,  only  sobbing 
very  low  and  despairing  and  sort  of  sick — and 
a  female — no  doubt  of  it.  There  wasn't  any 
light  nor  anybody  moving  about  as  far  as  we 
could  tell. 

"Gee!  What'll  we  do?"  I  says  in  a  whisper. 
"We  can't  pass  it  up!" 

"Xaw — we  mun  tak'  a  look  inside!"  whispers 
Mac. 

"Certinmount,"  says  Ceasare;  "Mais— be 
careful!  We  put  the  Boeh  in  first  and  see  if 
some  trick  is  up!" 

It  being  Ceasare's  cousin's  uncle's  barn  he 
[148] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


knew  where  the  door  was,  and  the  three  of  us 
shoved  Fritz  up  to  it  and  made  him  under- 
stand he  was  to  open  it  and  go  in  ahead  of  the 
crew.  We  finally  got  it  over  with  signs  and 
shoves,  because  the  bird  didnt  speak  nothing 
but  German  and  we  hadnt  a  word  of  it  among 
us.  But  still  we  made  him  do  it  and  he  did, 
and  we  pulled  our  guns  and  stood  close  behind 
and  I  stood  closest  and  pulled  not  alone  my 
gun  but  the  little  electric  flashlight  you  sent  me 
which  I  flashed  in  as  quick  as  the  door  was 
opened. 

IV 

And  take  it  or  leave  it — there  was  a  woman 
with  a  baby  in  her  arms!  She  was  rather  a 
young  round-faced  woman  and  that  kid  was 
awfully  little  and  held  close  under  a  big  dark 
cloak  the  woman  wore.  The  poor  soul  looked 
tired  out  and  she  had  no  hat  and  her  hair  was 
all  down.  The  inside  of  the  barn  was  a  wreck 
and  the  rain  was  coining  in  through  a  big  shell- 
hole  in  the  roof.  She  was  all  alone,  we  at  once 
got  that,  and  at  sight  of  the  German  uniform 
which  was  all  she  seen  at  first,  she  give  a  shriek 
of  joy  and  got  up  onto  her  feet. 

"Got  si  danke!"  she  cried.     "Ich  habe " 

[149] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Then  she  seen  the  rest  of  us  and  shrunk  back, 
covering  the  kid  with  her  cloak.  Fritz  said 
something  to  her — quite  a  lot  in  a  hurry,  and 
evidently  told  her  he  was  a  prisoner,  and  now 
that  she  had  spilled  the  beans,  so  was  she.  And 
of  course  even  under  the  circumstances,  she 
was.  But  take  it  or  leave  it,  I  certainly  did 
feel  queer  when  I  went  up  to  that  lady  with  the 
little  baby  in  that  barn.  For  German  or  no 
German  the  situation  was — well — it  certainly 
got  my  goat.  I  took  off  my  hat  and  made  a 
bow. 

"Lady,"  I  commenced,  "have  no  fear.  Don't 
let  us  throw  no  scare  into  you.  We  ain't  Huns 
— that  is,  I  beg  your  pardon,  but  what  I  mean 
is  you  are  perfectly  safe  and  we  will  take  care 
of  you." 

Well,  the  way  she  looked  at  me  would  of 
wrung  a  heart  of  stone.  Her  eyes  was  blue 
and  she  just  stared  at  me  as  if  I  had  hurt  her 
— which  of  course  was  far  from  any  mind 
there. 

"Don't  be  scared,"  I  says  again.  "You  and 
the  baby  will  get  good  care.  Just  come  with 
us  if  you  are  able!" 

When  I  spoke  of  the  kid  she  give  the  poor 
little  smothered  thing  a  quick  look  and  drew 
[150] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


her  cloak  around  it  closer.  Gee !  but  she  looked 
fierce!  She  had  quit  crying  but  not  a  word 
out  of  her! 

"You  try!"  I  says  to  Ceasare.  "The  poor 
thing  mebbe  understands  French." 

So  Ceasare,  who  was  as  much  shot  to  pieces 
at  the  sight  as  I  was,  come  forward. 

"Madame!"  says  he,  bowing  with  his  cap  in 
his  hand.  Then  he  shoots  a  lot  of  French 
about  restes,  au  succuoor,  and  stuff  I  know 
meant  "cut  the  worry."  But  she  diclnt  get  it 
any  better  than  she  had  my  line  of  talk,  and 
only  kept  on  looking  scared. 

Weil  by  tins  time  Mac  come  out  of  his  stu- 
por; but  there  was  no  use  trying  Scotch  on 
her,  that  wras  plain.  So  there  wras  nothing  to 
it  except  forward  march.  For  one  thing  my 
torch  wouldnt  of  lasted  much  longer  and  for 
another  it  sure  wyas  getting  late. 

"Does  your  cousin's  uncle  which  owns  the 
barn  have  a  house  anywheres  near,  where  we 
could  leave  her?"  I  asked  Ceasare. 

"All  dead  in  this  town!"  he  says  cheerfully. 
"And  this  is  the  only  building  left  I  think  it!" 

"Then  there's  nothing  to  do  but  take  her 
along  to  headquarters,"   I   says,   and  off  we 
started,  she  not  saving  a  word. 
[151] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


That  was  some  trip!  I  want  to  tell  you 
sweetie  it  was  the  worst  part  of  the  whole  war 
to  me.  You  know  I  got  a  heart  and  I  felt 
just  fierce  for  that  poor  little  German  mother. 
All  the  way  in,  while  we  was  helping  her  along 
I  kept  wishing  I  knew  how  on  earth  she  come 
to  get  in  that  place.  She  seemed  real  feeble 
at  times  and  we  lifted  her  across  the  worst 
places.  I  tried  to  get  her  to  let  me  carry  the 
baby,  but  she  held  on  to  it  like  grim  death  and 
wouldnt  leave  any  of  us  touch  it — and  it  was 
so  quiet  I  commenced  to  get  scared. 

"More  than  likely  its  dead!"  I  whispered  to 
Ceasare  and  he  thought  so  too. 

Before  we  got  in,  we  had  carried  her  almost 
a  mile,  taking  turns  with  her  on  our  crossed 
hands,  and  the  odd  feller  guarding  our  Hun. 
And  then  we  came  to  the  end  of  about  the  very 
worst  and  longest  hike  I  ever  took  including 
the  time  the  Queen  of  the  Island  Company 
got  stranded  in  Xew  Rochelle.  The  sentry 
across  that  mud  hole  of  a  slushy  road  was  the 
welcomest  sight  in  the  world. 

"Wot  the  'ell  yer  got?"  he  says  when  he 
recognized  us. 

"One  Gentleman  Hun  prisoner  and  one  lady 
ditto  in  very  bad  shape!"  I  says. 
[152] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


"Wot  the  'ell!"  he  says  again.  And  then 
he  passed  us  and  we  reported. 

Say  sweetie,  take  it  or  leave  it,  but  I  had 
honest  clean  forgot  all  about  that  wine  which 
we  had  been  sent  for  in  the  first  place.  I  tell 
you  I  was  so  worried  about  that  poor  woman ! 
And  it  was  not  until  the  five  of  us  was  stand- 
ing in  Capt.  Haskell's  quarters  with  the  light 
from  his  ceiling  glaring  at  us  and  him  also 
glaring  from  behind  his  mustache,  that  I  even 
commenced  to  remember  it.  But  I  had  to  re- 
port so  I  reported  for  the  bunch  of  us  and  in 
strict  detail  as  good  as  I  could  remember.  All 
this  while  the  woman  sat  in  a  chair,  her  face 
like  a  stone,  and  my  heart  just  aching  for  her. 

Well,  when  I  got  through  taking  the  most 
nervous  curtin-call  of  my  life — and  take  it  or 
leave  it,  if  the  German  army  would  ever  of 
been  as  nervous  as  I  was  then,  the  war  would 
of  ended  that  minute.  Capt.  Haskell  beck- 
oned to  the  lady. 

"Come  here,  please!"  he  says  very  kind. 
'And  let  n:e  see  the  baby!" 

She  got  up  and  went  over  very  softly.  Then 
she  stood  in  front  of  him  and  commenced  to 
laugh  and  laugh. 

"Pigs  of  Americans!"  she  said.  "Fools  to 
[153] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME 


carry  me!  That's  not  a  baby — its  twenty  car- 
tons of  cigarettes!" 

Then  she  threw  back  her  cloak  and  under  it 
there,  she  was  dressed  in  Red  Cross  uniform. 

"I  disguised  myself  and  went  to  the  vil- 
lage!" she  went  on  in  perfectly  good  English. 
"And  I  bought  all  the  tobacco  there. 

"On  my  way  back  to  my  own  lines  I  was 
fool  enough  to  lose  mv  way  and  to  cry  over 
it!     That  is  all!" 

And  its  enough,  aint  it  dear?  For  you  do 
get  me,  dont  you?  Them  twenty  cartons  of 
cigarettes  was  a  miricle  to  us  and  the  one  we 
needed  the  most  of  any  right  at  that  moment. 
Eh,  what?  as  the  English  say.  And  her  tak- 
ing such  a  chance  to  get  them  for  Fritz  shows 
how  bad  off  the  German  army  must  be,  don't 
it?  And  so  tell  this  to  your  Ma  and  get  her 
to  quit  that  foolish  anti-smoke  society  she's 
forming — because  its  the  bunk — and  I  am  ever 
your  loving  life  and  dancing  partner, 

Jim. 

P.  S.  Just  got  your  letter.  That  certainly 
is  a  good  one  on  Ma.  Smoking  a  pipe !  And 
if  you  hadnt  opened  the  door  so  sudden  you'd 
never  in  this  world  of  caught  her.  And  if  she 
does  claim  her  grandmother  did  it  too,  all  you 
[154] 


HOLY  SMOKES 


got  to  say  is  so  did  many  a  soldier's  grand- 
mother. 

P.  S.  No.  2.  I  forgot  to  say  that  a  French 
General  has  given  us  a  kiss  on  both  cheeks  and 
a  medel  for  that  job.  And  its  the  first  time 
I  ever  got  anything  but  a  headache  by  going 
on  a  party. 


[155] 


IV 
ANYTHING  ONCE 


Aint  it  funny  the  things  that  comes  into  a 
person's  head  when  they  are  rubbing  cold 
cream  onto  their  nose?  All  sorts  of  stuff, 
some  of  it  good  sense  and  some  of  it  the  bunk. 
But  most  of  it  pretty  near  O.K.  If  some  one 
was  to  take  down  the  ideas  I  get  at  such  a  sa- 
cred hour,  I'd  be  out  of  the  dancing  game  and 
into  the  highbrow  class  just  as  quick  as  the 
printer  got  through  his  job. 

It  sure  is  a  time  when  a  woman's  true 
thoughts  come  to  the  surface  along  with  the 
dust  and  last  night's  make-up,  and  many  a  big 
resolve  has  been  made  owing  to  that  cleanly 
habit.  Wasn't  there  some  wise  bird  made  up 
a  quotation  about  cleanliness  being  next  to 
God  knows  what?  Well,  believe  you  me,  its 
the  truth,  for  once  a  woman  starts  in  with  the 
cold  cream  all  alone, — and  she  sure  does  it  at 
[156] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


no  other  time — there  is  no  telling  what  will 
come  of  it  beside  a  clean  pink  face. 

With  me  personally  myself,  thats  where 
most  of  my  ideas  about  life  come  from — right 
out  of  the  cold  cream  tube!  And  while  in- 
dulging in  this  well  known  womanly  occupa- 
tion the  other  evening  I  commenced  thinking 
about  rest  and  how  important  it  is  for  us 
Americans — and  of  the  way  we  go  after  it — 
like  it  was  something  we  had  to  catch  and  catch 
quick  or  it  would  get  away  from  us.  Do  you 
get  me?  If  not,  leave  me  tell  you  what  a 
friend  of  mine,  which  has  just  been  mustard 
out  of  the  service  says  to  me,  when  I  was 
checking  up  his  experiences  abroad  while  he 
was  checking  up  what  the  waiter  had  put  down. 

"My  idea  of  rest?"  he  says.  "Why  taking 
Belleau  Woods  after  three  restless  weeks  in 
the  trenches,"  he  says. 

Which  sort  of  puts  the  nut  in  the  shell,  as 
the  saying  is.  And  also  at  the  same  time  re- 
minds me  of  the  rest  I  just  recently  took. 

Xot  that  I  generally  need  one  any  more 
than  any  other  thoroughly  successful  star,  for 
heavens  knows  the  best  known  parlor  dancing 
act  in  the  world  and  Broadway,  which  mine  un- 
doubtedly is,  dont  need  to  rest  because  the  man- 
[137] 


BELIEVE   YOU  ME! 


agers  theirselves  always  come  after  me  and 
resting  I  leave  to  the  booking-agency  hounds. 
But  this  time  it  was  bonea  fido,  and  come  about 
in  a  sort  of  odd  way. 

To  commence  at  the  start  it  begun  with  me 
falling  for  the  movies,  which  Gawd  knows  I 
only  done  it  for  the  money,  their  being  no  art 
in  it,  and  they  having  hounded  me  into  them 
for  a  special  fillum.  And  of  course  many  well 
known  girls  like  Mary  Garden  and  Nazimova 
go  into  pictures  and  even  myself,  but  its  sim- 
ply because  of  being  hounded,  as  I  say.  But 
once  in  you  earn  your  money,  believe  you  me, 
and  I  have  stood  around  waiting  for  the  sun 
like  Moses,  or  whoever  it  was,  until  my  feet 
nearly  froze  to  the  pallasades  before  jumping 
off,  only  of  course  it  was  a  dummy  they  threw 
after  I  had  made  the  original  motions  of  the 
leap  to  death.  And  the  worst  part  is  once 
you  are  signed  up  on  one  of  these  "payment 
to  be  made  wheather  the  party  of  the  first  part 
(thats  me)  is  working  or  not"  you  got  to  do 
like  they  say,  and  a  whole  lot  of  the  "not  work- 
ing" means  plain  standing  around  waiting  for 
the  director  or  the  camera-man  or  the  rain  to 
quit,  and  what  us  public  favorites  suffers  when 
[158] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


on  the  job  is  enough  to  make  the  photogra- 
phor's  Favorite  of  Grainger,  Wyo.,  abandon 
the  career  she  might  of  had  in  favour  of  do- 
mestic service  or  something  like  that  where 
she'd  get  a  little  time  to  herself. 

Well  anyways  my  judgment  having  slipped 
to  the  extent  of  having  signed  my  sense  of  hu- 
mor away  for  six  months  at  twenty-two  hun- 
dred a  week,  I  was  in  the  very  middle  of  a 
fillum  called  the  Bridge  to  Berlin  when  one 
day,  just  as  a  big  brute  of  a  German  officer 
by  the  name  of  O'Flarety  had  me  bj-  the  throat 
in  a  French  chateau,  the  studio  manager  comes 
in  and  says  the  armistice  is  signed  and  the  war 
is  over,  and  we  was  to  quit  as  who  would  re- 
lease a  war  fillum  now  and  we  was  to  start  on 
something  entirely  different,  only  he  didn't 
know  what  the  hell  it  was  to  be  and  here  wras 
eight  thousand  feet  wasted — and  believe  you 
me  I  was  sore  myself  for  we  had  shot  that 
strangling  sceene  six  times  by  then  and  my 
marcelle  wave  was  completely  ruined  by  it,  and 
I  would  of  liked  to  of  had  something  to  show 
for  it. 

But  anyways,  orders  was  to  quit  and  so  me 
and  Ma  and  the  two  fool  dogs  and  Musette 
left  the  wilds  of  Jersey  and  after  a  stormy  voy- 
[159] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


age  across  the  Hudson  come  safely  home  to 
our  modest  little  apartment  on  the  drive,  there 
to  not  work  at  22  hundred  a  week  until  Gold- 
ringer  got  the  studio  manager  to  get  the  sce- 
nario editor  to  get  me  a  new  story,  which  at 
the  price  was  not  of  long  duration  for  while 
Gawd  knows  they  dont  care  how  long  a  person 
stands  around  waiting  to  he  shot,  they  just 
naturally  hate  to  pay  you  for  doing  the  same 
thing  at  home  in  comfort. 

Well  anyways  the  hunk  that  scenario  editor 
picked  out  was  something  fierce.  I  wouldn't 
of  heen  screened  dead  in  it.  But  it  just  hap- 
pened I  had  a  idea  for  a  scenario  myself,  which 
come  about  through  somebody  having  give  me 
a  book  for  Christmas  and  one  night,  the  boy 
having  forgot  to  bring  the  papers,  I  read  it. 
And  was  it  a  cute  book?  It  was!  I  had  a 
real  good  cry  over  it,  and  while  it  wasn't  ex- 
actly a  book  for  a  dancer,  I  could  see  that  there 
was  good  stuff  in  it.  So  finally  :  e  and  Ma 
stopped  into  Goldringer's  office  after  he  had 
twice  telephoned  for  me  and  handed  him  a  lit- 
tle surprise  along  with  the  volume. 

"I  got  a  idea  for  a  picture,  Al,"  I  says,  "and 
here's  the  book  of  it." 

"Well  Miss  La  Tour,  what's  the  name  of  it 
[160] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


and  idea?"  says  he,  chewing  on  his  cigar  strong 
and  not  even  looking  at  the  book  but  throwing 
it  to  the  stenographer,  which  is  a  general  rule 
always  in  the  picture  game  and  one  reason  we 
don't  see  such  a  crowd  of  swell  fillums. 

"The  name  is  Oliver  Twist,"  I  says.  "It's  a 
juvinile  lead  the  way  it  stands,  but  I  want  it 
fixed  up  a  little,  with  me  as  Olivette  Twist — 
the  editor  can  fix  it  so's  that  will  be  all  right. 
It's  really  a  swell  part.  I  could  wear  boy's 
clothes  some  of  the  time." 

"Huh!  Olivette  Twist,"  says  Goldringer, 
taking  back  the  book  and  looking  at  the  cover 
of  it.  "Always  thought  it  was  a  breakfast 
food!  But  if  you  say  its  O.K.  we'd  better  get 
it.  Where  is  this  feller  Dickens?  We'll  wire 
him  for  the  rights.     Friend  of  yours?" 

You  see,  if  anybody  brings  scenarios  person- 
ally, a  star  in  particular,  it's  generally  a 
friends. 

"No,"  I  says.  "It  was  sent  me  by  Jim 
along  with  a  letter  which  shows  the  bird  is  well 
known,"  I  says.  "And  is  in  Westminister 
Abby,  London,  England,  which  Jim  says 
proves  his  class. 

"Must  be  a  swell  apartment,"  says  Gold- 
ringer.    "All  right  we'll  send  a  cable  to  him 

riei] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


and  see  if  the  picture  rights  is  gone  or  not.  If 
the  boy  is  so  well  known  he  may  stick  out  for 
a  big  price.  This  is  Thursday.  We  may  hear 
from  him  by  Monday  or  Tuesday,  and  we'll 
get  a  scenario  ready  anyways  so's  we  can  begin 
to  shoot  not  later  than  a  week  from  to-day. 
Until  then,"  he  says,  "run  along  and  amuse 
yourself  and  dont  do  anything  I  wouldnt." 

Well,  me  and  Ma  was  shown  out  then  and 
down  on  Broadway  Ma  see  some  salt-water 
taffy  in  a  drug- store  and  wanted  to  go  in  and 
by  it  which  I  had  to  prevent  because  outside 
of  Ma  being  in  no  need  of  nourishment,  she 
weighing  considerable  over  the  heavy-weight 
requirements  already  and  Gawd  knows  if  she 
was  to  have  went  back  into  the  circus  it  would 
no  longer  be  on  the  trapeese  and  a  certain  party 
in  the  side-show  would  have  a  strong  competi- 
tor for  her  job  and  it  wouldn't  be  the  human 
skeleton  either.  But  leaving  off  the  consid- 
eration  how  would  it  look  for  us  to  go  up  the 
Ave.  in  my  new  wine-colored  limousine  which 
I  earned  myself  and  no  one  can  say  different 
with  truth — and  eating  stuff  like  that  out  of 
a  folded  paper  box?  Ma  certainly  has  my 
health  well  in  hand  and  heart  and  its  seldom 
we  quarrel  over  any  little  thing,  but  she  cer- 
'[162] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


tainly  has  no  class  instinct,  or  instinct  for  class 
— do  you  get  me?  And  when  I  try  to  make 
her  see  that  them  little  refinements  is  what 
makes  me  the  big  success  I  am,  she  sometimes 
kicks  and  if  its  hunger,  its  got  to  he  met  im- 
mediately if  not  one  way,  why  then  another. 
So  in  lieu,  as  the  poet  says,  of  the  taffy  I  had 
to  take  her  to  the  Ritz  and  watch  her  put  away 
6  vanillia  eclairs  at  two  hits  each  and  a  quart 
of  cocoa,  not  that  I  begrudge  the  money,  only 
believe  you  me  the  way  all  hotels  charge  nowa- 
days is  rapidly  making  Bolshivik  out  of  even 
we  capatalists.  Do  you  get  me?  You  dol 
But  of  course  in  my  line  you  got  to  keep  be- 
fore the  public  in  the  right  way. 

Well  anyways  Ma  complained  over  the  loss 
of  that  taffy  the  whole  way  through  the  six 
eclairs,  which  it  was  certainly  a  little  hard  on 
me  to  have  to  sit  there  and  watch  her  while  for 
professional  reasons  eating  only  one  of  these 
tomato  surprises  which  never  surprise  but  the 
once,  on  my  figures  account,  and  certainly  its 
a  fact  that  the  two  of  us  was  doing  the  next 
best  thing  to  what  wre  wanted  instead  of  the 
thing  itself  which  is  one  of  the  prices  of  suc- 
cess. So,  as  is  also  often  the  case  at  such 
times,  I  was  a  little  mean  to  Ma  on  account 
[163] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


of  having  been  mean  already — do  you  get  me? 
"Mamma"  I  says.     "You  certainly  are  get- 
ting heavier.     It's  a  crime  for  you  to  wear 

these  narrow  skirts!" 

Ma  give  me  a  searching  look  the  same  as  used 
to  lead  up  to  caster  oil  when  I  was  a  kid,  and 
then  took  the  half  of  a  eclair  at  one  bit  before 
replying. 

"Now  Mary  Gilligan  you  needn't  take  out 
your  artistic  temperament  or  any  other  ailment 
on  me!"  she  says  as  firmly  as  the  eclair  would 
permit.  "Just  because  Jim  is  in  France  yet, 
and  your  moleskin  dolman  was  a  failure  and 
you  aint  been  occupied  daily  for  a  week  or 
more,  and  slipped  up  on  doing  your  setting  up 
exercises  this  morning  which  I  wouldnt  of 
mentioned  only  you  started  it,"  she  says.  "Its 
no  excuse  for  picking  on  me,"  she  says.  "What 
if  I  am  a  little  plump?  My  Gawd  aint  I 
earned  the  right  to  be?  What  with  three  kids 
and  your  Pa  to  bring  up  and  the  center  tra- 
peese  in  the  circus  right  through  it  all  except 
when  absolutely  necessary?  You  dont  know 
what  a  woman  can  go  through!" 

"Dont  I,  just!"  I  snapped  for  my  Gawd  aint 
it  the  truth  every  woman  has  the  very  worst 
troubles  that  any  woman  ever  had?  And  she 
[164] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


sure  gets  sore  when  another  woman  sets  up  to 
go  them  one  better! 

"No  you  don't!"  retorts  Ma  with  that  mad- 
dening air  of  being  older  than  me  which  she 
uses  to  squelch  me  every  time  she  cant  get  me 
any  other  way.  "No  you  dont!"  she  says. 
"You  never  brought  up  three  kids  without  a 
nurse  girl  while  on  the  trapeese — you  never 
brought  up  a  thing  but  two  fool  dogs  and  you 
even  leave  them  to  the  carelessness  of  a  per- 
sonal maid,"  she  says.  "Poor  dears,  Gawd 
knows  what  will  become  of  their  little  canine 
minds  and  morals!" 

"Now  Ma!"  I  begged,  because  she  aughter 
know  that  is  a  sore  point  with  me  and  not  in- 
tention, and  she  had  me  on  the  raw. 

"Well  then!"  she  says.  "You  got  a  swell 
job  and  no  troubles  only  mabe  a  sluggish  liver 
and  you  aint  the  only  woman  in  America  which 
Gen.  Pershing  cant  yet  spare  the  husband  of," 
she  says.  "And  mabe  I  do  need  to  reduce  a 
little,"  which  was  her  way  of  apologizing. 
And  just  as  this  lull  occurred  who  should  come 
into  sight  but  Maison  Posabelle,  her  which  runs 
the  shop  where  myself  and  all  the  most  chic 
professionals  gets  their  clothes.  She  was  all 
dressed  up  like  a  plush  horse  with  real  sables, 
[165] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


part  of  which  must  of  come  off  them  simple 
refined  little  gowns  I  had  made  for  the  Bridge 
to  Berlin  that  was  ruined  hy  the  armistice.  Her 
hair  had  just  been  rehennered  and  her  face  was 
as  fresh  as  a  tea-rose  straight  from  the  f ragrent 
facial  massage.  She  smiled  and  sailed  down 
on  the  two  of  us  which  we  welcomed  with  the 
usual  relief  of  a  family  quarreling  when  neither 
sees  the  way  to  win  out  and  have  got  to  go  on 
living  together.  In  other  words  she  auto- 
matically buried  the  hatchet  for  us,  as  the 
school  books  say. 

"So  pleased  to  of  run  into  you,  dearies!" 
she  says.  "For  I'm  goin'  to  Atlantic  City  to- 
morrow for  a  little  rest." 

No  sooner  was  them  words  out  from  between 
her  lip-rouge  than  I  see  a  vision  of  salt-water 
taffy  arising  in  Ma's  eyes.  Believe  you  me 
Ma  is  certainly  hard  to  pry  loose  from  any- 
thing she  has  once  set  her  mind  on!  And 
Maison  had  to  continue  in  that  cordial  manner. 

"Why  dont  you  run  down  for  a  few  days?" 
she  says.  "It'll  do  you  good.  You're  look- 
ing kinda  pulled  down  Mrs.  Gilligan!"  she 
says — and  of  course  Ma  fell  for  that. 

"I  do  feel  a  little  low!"  she  says,  finishing 
off  her  cocoa.  "And  Mary — Marie  here  is 
["166] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


waiting  until  they  get  a  answer  to  a  cable  which 
was  sent  to  England  by  the  studio.  I  under- 
stand we  may  have  quite  a  wait,  so  I  really 
believe  we  might  go  along." 

II 

Now  as  I  looked  at  Ma  it  come  over  me  that 
mabe  she  had  the  right  dope.  When  people 
that  live  together,  especially  if  not  friends,  but 
relations,  commence  to  get  a  little  on  erch  oth- 
ers nerves,  going  away  on  a  trip  is  good  for 
what  ails  them.  The  only  trouble  is  that  in 
the  case  of  females  thev  erenerallv  so  together. 
Still,  with  the  whole  bunch  of  new  and  differ- 
ent stuff  it  gives  them  to  fight  over — H.R. 
tickets,  and  who  wired  for  these  horrid  rooms, 
and  I  told  you  to  bring  a  heavier  coat,  and 
etc.,  they  generally  get  straightened  out  quite 
a  lot.  Even  the  idea  of  going  along  with 
Maison  didnt  worry  me  then,  I  having  been 
on  tower  many  a  time  when  the  No.  1  Company 
went  out  and  Ma  the  same  for  years,  and  we 
generally  speak,  even  to  the  publicity  man,  no 
matter  if  we  have  made  Rochester,  Buffalo  and 
Chicago  in  a  quick  jump  playing  matinees  as 
well.  So  I  am  without  the  wholesome  and  well 
[167] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


founded  fear  of  taking  a  pleasure-trip  with 
friends  which  is  the  hitter  fruit  of  most  per- 
sons experience  of  the  same.  Besides,  I  sort 
of  like  Maison,  which  of  course  her  real  name 
is  Maisie  Brady,  and  her  funny  little  husband, 
which  is  also  still  in  France,  she  not  being  de- 
pendant any  more  than  myself  nor  would  she 
hold  him  back  from  serving  his  country  only 
I  dont  hardly  believe  she  urged  him  to  go  for 
quite  the  patriotic  reasons  I  did,  he  having  been 
a  traveling  man  and  so  when  he  retired  on  her 
income  she  didnt  feel  as  natural  and  affection- 
ate and  homelike  and  all  that  as  when  he  was 
away  most  of  the  time.  But  at  any  rate  I  and 
she  were  both  war-widows  and  old  friends  from 
the  time  her  mother  was  lady-lion  tamer  and 
mine  on  the  trapeese,  and  so  in  spite  of  the 
bills  she  charges  me  she  has  more  refinement 
than  most  people  and  so  I  says  all  right,  we'll 
go  to  Atlantic  City  and  we'll  be  on  the  one 
twenty  train  to-morrow. 

"Thats  sweet,  dearie!"  says  Maison. 
''We'll  get  a  swell  rest!" 

Then  she  set  sail  and  was  off  with  a  Jewish 

gentleman  friend,  which  had  been  waiting  at 

the  entrance  all  this  time  with  a  gardenia  in 

his  buttonhole.     And  Ma  and  me  called  for 

[168] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


the  check  and  dogs  and  limousine  and  hitched 
our  way  homeward  through  the  traffic  to  our 
quiet  little  apartment  with  7  windows  with 
the  beautiful  outlook  of  the  river  and  the  R.R. 
tracks  and  etc. 

Then  while  Musette  packed  only  three 
trunks  and  my  gold-fitted  dressing  case  and 
a  couple  of  hat  boxes  and  my  specially  designed 
jewellery  box  and  the  travelling  hamper  for 
the  dogs,  we  having  decided  to  travel  light  and 
probably  not  stay  over  three  or  four  days,  Ma 
went  into  the  all-tiled  kitchen  and  commenced 
getting  up  a  little  smack  of  cold  beef  and  po- 
tato salad  and  fried  cheese  sandwiches  and 
coffee  and  a  few  hot  biscuits  and  honey  so's  we 
wouldn't  have  to  go  out  and  eat,  which  Ma 
certainly  loves  to  do  and  no  cook  ever  stands 
it  for  more  than  a  week  and  the  current  cook's 
week  was  up  that  morning  before  we  went 
downtown. 

Well  anyway  while  she  was  doing  this  I  went 
into  the  drawing-room  which  is  all  lilted  up 
in  handsome  gold  furniture — that  the  dealer 
said  was  one  of  the  Louis  periods.  Louis  Co- 
hen I  guess, — I  never  remember  quite.  And 
to  put  a  record  on  the  phonograph  in  the  case 
I  had  especially  built  in  the  same  style  at  fifty 
[169] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


dollars  extra  and  all  the  instalments  paid,  and 
streached  out  as  good  as  I  could  manage  to  on 
the  chaise  loung,  which  is  a  sort  of  house- 
broken  steamer-chair,  and  while  John  Macor- 
mik's  own  voice  sang  my  little  grey  home  in  the 
west  to  me  in  the  privacy  of  my  own  home,  I 
thought  dreamingly  about  Jim  and  how  much  I 
was  missing-  him  and  how  swell  we  danced  to- 
gether  and  how  kind  and  loving  and  brave  he 
was  and  how  refined,  and  believe  me  he's  about 
the  only  theatrical  male  that  don't  murder  a 
dress  suit,  arid  how  horrible  it  was  to  be  sepe- 
rated  from  him  after  being  married  only  two 
weeks  and  what  fools  we  was  to  have  danced  to- 
gether in  every  first-class  theatre  in  America 
and  only  got  married  so  recent,  for  if  only 
we'd  been  married  sooner  mabe  the  pain  of  sep- 
eration  wouldnt  of  been  so  great  by  now.  Who 
knows?  And  believe  you  me  it  was  some  pain, 
and  I  had  yself  crying  before  I  knew  it.  For 
I  sure  am  stuck  on  that  poor  simp  and  my  only 
war-work  aint  been  done  on  the  screene,  Gawd 
knows,  when  I  give  him  up  to  whatever  the 
Allies  was  fighting  for,  which  if  it  dont  turn 
out  to  be  as  represented,  believe  you  me,  my- 
self and  a  whole  lot  of  other  girls  is  going  to 
want  to  know  why!! 

ptoi 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


Well  anyways,  before  Ma  had  the  biscuits 
baked  and  J  had  run  jada  jada  and  sing  me 
to  sleep,  I  was  wild  to  get  away  to  the  pure 
country  ocean  air  and  some  healthy  outdoor 
exercise  which  would  help  me  forget  my  lone- 
liness. And  a  lot  of  quiet  and  rest  and  sleep, 
with  the  ocean  pounding  me  to  the  pillow  and 
all  that. 

I  had  only  a  sort  of  twenty  minute  small 
time  sketch  of  a  idea  of  what  Atlantic  City 
was  like  on  account  of  me  having  been  there 
for  openings  only  and  getting  in  at  four  forty 
five  with  the  show  beginning  at  eight  fifteen 
and  the  washup  you  need  after  the  trip  and 
Ma  always  insisting  on  me  doing  a  twenty 
minute  practice  in  i.  y  room  and  underwear  be- 
fore every  opening  which  is  perfectly  correct 
and  one  of  the  principal  things  which  has  made 
my  handsprings  what  they  are,  and  getting 
dinner  far  enough  in  advance  to  do  the  hand- 
springs in  time.  I  knew  little  nor  nothing  of 
what  Jim  calls  the  Coney  Island  that  went  to 
finishing  school  except  that  there  is  swimming 
and  horseback  riding  and  a  boardwalk  that 
any  one  without  French  heels  to  catch  in  the 
cracks  can  have  a  elegant  walk  on.  What  lit- 
tle sniff  of  air  I  had  outside  the  theatre  and  my 
[171] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


bedroom  at  the  hotel  give  me  a  appatite  for 
more,  which  up  to  now  I  never  had  the  oppor- 
tunity to  get  because  of  always  being  with  a 
high-class  show  that  went  right  back  to  N.Y. 
Sunday  to  open  on  Broadway.  But  now  I  was 
going  like  a  regular  American  lady  citizen  to 
rest  and  get  full  of  health  and  do  as  the  regu- 
lar resorters  did.  And  I  was  glad.  I  was  so 
anxious  to  keep  myself  in  a  pure  atmosphere 
for  Jim's  sake  and  the  studio  wasn't  exactly  the 
farm — do  you  get  me?  You  do!  And  a  rest 
in  the  country  was  the  very  thing.  I  got  quite 
excited  thinking  about  it;  dried  my  tears, 
stopped  the  phonograph  and  made  sure  that 
Musette  put  in  my  riding  suit,  bathing  ditto, 
and  walking  boots.  And  when  this  was  done 
I  felt  better  already  as  the  saying  is,  and  fully 
able  to  take  some  of  the  nourishment  Ma  had 
got  up. 

The  minute  we  set  down  to  the  table  I  see 
that  she  had  also  been  making  good  resolu- 
tions and  waited  till  she  got  ready  to  confess. 
It  come  after  the  seventh  tea-biscuit  and  honey. 
On  her  part  I  mean,  I  only  taking  coldmeat 
and  salad  and  things  I  dont  like  much,  for 
reasons  before  stated. 

"Mary  Gilligan!"  she  says.  "I  believe  I'm 
[172] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


getting  heavier,"  she  says,  just  as  if  it  occurred 
to  her  for  the  first  time.  "And  I  have  decided 
that  while  I  am  away  to  Atlantic  City  I  wont 
eat  to  amount  to  anything  and  reduce  in  other 
ways  the  whole  time  I'm  there!" 

"You  dont  say,"  I  says,  without  batting  an 
eye.     "Do  you  really  think  you  need  to?" 

"I  do !"  she  says.  "This  is  my  last  real  meal. 
And  you  needn't  try  to  persuade  me  out  of  it." 

I  didn't.  And  next  morning  right  after 
breakfast  we  caught  the  one  twenty,  hats,  dogs, 
Musette,  and  all,  and  met  up  with  Maison 
Rosabelle,  which  was  dressed  in  a  simple  little 
trotters  costume  of  chiffon  and  ermine  which 
looked  like  it  had  been  made  in  Babylon.  I 
mean  B.C.  not  L.I.  And  with  her  was  a  little 
surprise  in  the  wray  of  the  same  Jewish  gen- 
tleman, Mr.  Freddy  Mayer,  with  another  gar- 
denia on  him  and  a  fine  line  of  plausable  ex- 
plinations. 

"Aint  it  a  co-co-strange,  Freddy  just  hap- 
pens to  be  going  our  way!"  cooed  Maisie  with 
all  the  innocence  of  a  X.Y.  livery-stable  pid- 
geon. 

"Yes,  I'm  taking  a  special  offering  of  cham- 
pagne to  a  special  friend  in  the  hotel  business 
there,"  says  Mr.  Freddy.  "And  with  three 
[173] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


such  beautiful  lady  companions  its  no  hard- 
ship to  leave  Manhattan  behind  nor  the 
Bronx,"  says  he  gaily.  "Altho  when  we  come 
back  we  may  find  the  Aldermen  has  decided 
to  change  both  names  after  July  first,"  says 
the  humorous  dog. 

"Will  you  please  kindly  open  this  window  a 
little?"  I  intrupped  him.  "The  air  in  here 
aint  so  good  as  it  was." 

I  dont  know  did  this  get  over,  but  believe 
you  me  I  didn't  care  for  that  well  washed 
young  wine-seller  at  all,  nor  for  his  company. 
And  it  was  a  relief  when  he  done  as  I  asked 
and  him  and  Mai  son  found  their  seats  was  at 
the  other  end  of  the  car.  In  a  way  I  can  un- 
derstand her  liking  traveling-men  but  not  up 
to  the  point  of  traveling  with  one,  even  by  semi- 
accident.  And  so  opening  the  Motion  Picture 
Gazette  to  look  at  the  double-page  spread  of 
myself  "Who  has  at  length  been  lured  by  the 
artistic  possibilities  of  the  picture  world,"  and 
keeping  a  eye  on  Ma  to  see  would  she  stop  the 
candy-boy,  settled  down  to  the  soothing  sound 
of  Maison's  laugh,  and  begun  my  quiet  little 
trip  to  ITealthland. 

There  is  a  large  variaty  of  ladies  which  have 
husbands  still  in  the  army,  but  believe  you  me 
[174] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


they  certainly  got  one  thing  in  common,  or 
else  no  looks  at  all.  And  that  is,  the  tempta- 
tion to  take  up  with  other  company  to  some 
degree.  Because  of  course  while  the  war  was 
holding  the  stage  a  husband's  absence  could  be 
stood,  but  what  with  this  peace-hyphen  in  the 
fighting  and  everything,  you  cant  help  but 
commence  wondering  what  kind  of  a  girl  is 
detaining  him  over  there  and  feel  inclined  to 
have  a  understudy  kind  of  waiting  off  stage  in 
self  defence.  For  believe  you  me,  there  seems 
to  be  something  sort  of  attractive  about  a  war- 
widow  and  the  ones  which  ignores  the  fact  and 
minds  their  own  affairs  is  the  real  patriotic 
women  of  America. 

Xot  that  I  want  to  say  a  word  about  Maison, 
and  what  happened  to  me  after  the  end  of  that 
train  ride  on  which  I  was  sitting  so  superior- 
minded,  taught  me  a  lesson ;  because  its  a  cinch 
to  be  good  when  you  want  to  be.  A  person 
which  has  suffered  themselves  is  slow  to  bawl 
out  the  other  fellow  so  quick  next  time.  Do 
you  get  me?     Xot  yet. 

Well,   after  we   had  rolled   by   the   lovely 

scenery  and  read  the  handsome  ad.  signs  on 

either  hand,  not  to  mention  the  pipe-line,  and 

got  the  invigorating  smell  of  low  tide  in  our 

[175] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


eager  nostrils,  we  come  out  on  that  quiet  little 
country  railroad  station  platform,  our  des- 
tination, to  be  greeted  by  only  several  hun- 
dred busses  and  a  thousand  or  so  taxi-cabs, 
each  yelling  at  the  top  of  their  voices.  As  we 
got  off  the  train  Maison  rushes  up  to  us  and 
pipes  a  cheering  little  question. 

"Where  are  we  going,  dearie?"  she  said, 
blithly. 

"Where  are  we  going?"  I  says.  "Maison 
Rosabelle,  do  you  mean  to  say  you  didn't  wire 
no  place  for  rooms?" 

"Why  no!"  says  Maison.     "Didn't  you?" 

"Certainly  not!"  I  says.  "I  never  wired 
for  rooms  in  my  whole  life.  The  advance 
agent  always  done  that  for  me." 

"Well  Mary  Gilligan,  I'm  not  your  advance 
agent!"  she  snapped,  and  then  she  kind  of 
looked  at  Mr.  Freddy  in  a  sweet,  helpless 
womanly  fashion  expecting  him  to  fork  up  a 
little  help.  But  it  seems  Mr.  Freddy  was  one 
of  these  birds  that  only  think  to  take  care  of 
his  own  comfort.  lie  had  a  room  alright  al- 
right at  the  Traymore.  And  he  meant  to 
keep  it! 

"We'll  take  the  bus  to  there,"  lie  suggested. 
"I'm  sure  there'll  be  lots  of  room." 
[176] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


But  no  bus  for  me  on  account  of  profes- 
sional reasons.  So  we  took  one  taxi  for  liim  and 
us  and  another  for  Musette  and  the  dogs  and 
the  bags,  and  then  commenced  a  round  of  seek- 
ing for  shelter  as  the  poet  says,  which  had  the 
"Two  Orphans"  skun  a  mile.  We  went  to  six 
hotels  and  not  a  room  among  them.  Believe 
you  me,  there  is  just  one  person  can  make  you 
feel  cheaper  than  a  Atlantic  City  hotel  clerk 
when  he  says  "No  reservations?"  and  lifts  his 
arched  brows,  and  that  is  the  head  waiter  when 
he  says  "nothing  to  drink?"  and  you  say  "yes, 
nothing!"  Well,  thank  Gawd  thats  one  thing 
prohibition  will  prohibit. 

Well  anyways,  wTe  tried  six  hotels  until  at 
last  we  come  to  a  little  place  where  the  young 
feller  at  the  desk  give  his  reluctant  consent  to 
our  admission.  It  was  a  simple  little  place 
done  quitely  in  red  plush  and  gold  and  marble 
columns,  very  restful  with  not  over  a  hundred 
people  sitting  about  in  the  lobby,  listning  not 
to  the  sa:l  sea  waves  but  to  a  jazz  orchestra 
and  inhaling  the  nice  fresh  tobacco  smoke  of 
which  the  air  was  full. 

Well,  Mr.  Freddy  give  a  gasp  of  relief  and 
bid  us  good-by,  after  dating  up  Maisie  for  din- 
ner, and  a  flock  of  bell-hops  hopped  upon  our 
[177] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


stuff  and  we  commenced  a  walking  tower  to 
our  rooms.  As  we  started  off  down  the  Alley- 
way, Maison  give  me  a  nudge. 

"Look  it,  that  sweet  young  officer!  Aint 
he  handsome?"  she  whispers  only  just  loud 
enough  for  him  to  hear.  And  before  I  thought 
I  turned  my  head  and  he  certainly  was  easy 
to  look  at.  He  looked,  in  fact  like  a  cross  be- 
tween a  clothing  ad.  and  a  leading  juvinille 
with  a  touch  of  bear-cat  in  him  to  make  a  regu- 
lar he-man  out  of  him.  He  was  a  captain,  al- 
though so  young,  and  had  a  cute  little  mous- 
tache and  had  that  blue-blooded  air — you  know 
— like  a  Boston  accent  even  without  hearing 
him  speak.  And  he  was  sitting  all  alone  un- 
der a  big  poster  advertising  a  entertainment 
for  the  benefit  of  blind  soldiers  or  something. 
Of  course  I  didn't  notice  him  at  all,  because 
I  being  a  perfect  lady  I  dont  do  them  things. 
But  I  couldnt  help  seeing  that  he  didn't  blush 
at  what  Maisie  said,  although  I  knew  he  heard 
it,  but  a  sort  of  crinkly  expression  come  up 
round  his  nice  blue  eyes  as  if  he  thought  us 
comic  or  something.  It  made  me  just  boil  be- 
cause my  clothes  is  nothing  if  not  refined  and 
I  never  wear  anything  but  a  little  powder  on 
my  nose  when  off  the  stage,  and  if  its  one  thing 
[178] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


gets  my  goat  it  is  to  be  taken  for  a  show-girl 
which  undoubtedly  he  thought  the  two  of  us 
Mras  and  they  not  in  his  class,  for  even  with  the 
passing  glance  I  had  taken  I  could  see  he  was 
used  to  the  Vanderbilts  and  all  that  set  and  had 
never  had  to  be  taught  to  take  his  daily  tub. 
Do  you  get  me? 

So  I  walked  like  I  hadnt  looked,  and  of 
course  I  really  hadnt,  and  proceeded  to  the  be- 
fore the  war  section  of  the  hotel  and  the  hand- 
some suite  all  fitted  in  real  varnished  pine  and 
carpets  just  like  a  Rochester  boarding  house 
when  I  was  on  the  small  time  before  I  made 
my  big  success,  and  it  made  me  feel  quite  at 
home  or  would  of  only  for  what  I  knew  the 
difference  in  price  was  going  to  be.  I  guessed 
it  just  as  soon  as  I  heard  Ma  gasping  over  the 
hotel  rules  which  she  was  reading.  I  went  over 
and  looked  at  them  too,  and  at  first  I  couldn't 
see  nothing  unusual  about  them.  There  was 
the  usual  bunk  about  the  management  not  be- 
ing responsible  for  the  guest  in  any  way,  and 
Gawd  knows  how  could  they  be  and  I  dont 
blame  them.  And  then,  a  little  ways  down  I 
see  what  had  got  Ma  stirred  up.  It  seems  dogs 
was  ten  dollars  a  week  per  each,  and  of  course 
[179] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


we  had  two  of  them  and  Ma  never  has  cared 
for  my  two,  anyways. 

"Well,  I  hope  the  sea  air  will  be  good  for 
the  poor  little  lambs,"  she  says  very  sarcastic. 
"Mebbe  it'll  make  'em  grow — into  police-dogs 
or  something  useful!" 

Well  I  see  by  this  that  the  salt  air  had  not 
yet  got  to  Ma,  although  the  troublesome  jour- 
ney had.  And  so  I  put  on  a  simple  little  suit  of 
English  tweed  and  low  heeled  shoes  and  a 
walking  hat,  which  seemed  to  me  the  right 
thing  for  the  country,  and  went  out  to  pry  off 
a  little  health  before  dinner. 

The  outdoors  was  something  grand.  The 
air  was  as  good  a  cocktail  as  a  person  would 
want,  and  the  lights  along  the  boardwalk  was 
co  ing  out  like  dandelion  blossoms.  There 
was  hardly  an}d>ody  around — just  a  few  here 
and  there  and  the  surf  of  that  wide  and  cruel 
ocean  which  Jim  was  the  oilier  side  of,  was 
breaking  close  to  the  rail  in  big  white  ostrich 
plumes.  Overhead  the  sky  was  as  clear  and 
high  as  a  circular  drop  with  the  violet  lights  on 
it,  and  a  few  clean  stars  was  coming  out.  It 
was  just  cold  enough  to  make  a  person  want 
to  walk  fast  until  the  blood  got  singing  through 
you  and  you  wanted  to  shout  and  run,  only  of 
[180] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


course  no  lady  would.  But  just  the  same,  I 
commenced  to  feel  glad  I  hadnt  died  when  I 
had  the  measles,  and  I  loved  everybody  and 
had  a  great  career  before  me  and — and — oh 
that  grand  yearning  happy  feeling  which 
comes  out  of  being  young  and  full  of  strength 
and  a  good  bank-account.  Do  you  get  me? 
You  do! 

Well  anyways,  here  I  was  walking  like  I 
had  money  on  it  and  homing  a  tune  to  myself, 
when  along  comes  a  man  the  other  way,  walk- 
ing two  to  my  one,  and  burning  the  same  tune, 
"How  I  hate  to  get  up  in  the  morning,"  it 
was.  When  he  heard  me  and  I  heard  him  we 
both  sort  of  half  stopped  out  of  surprise,  and 
I  got  a  good  look  at  him.  It  was  the  young 
Captain  from  the  hotel. 

He  also  give  a  start  of  surprise  when  he  seen 
me,  showing  he  recognized  me  just  as  good  as 
I  did  him.  Only  it  was  a  real,  genuine  start, 
as  if  he  realized  something  more  than  the  fact 
he  had  seen  me  at  the  hotel.  Then  he  smiled 
— a  smile  which  would  of  done  any  dental  ad. 
proud,  and  passed  along,  looking  back  over  his 
shoukler — once.  While  I  went  along  minding 
my  own  business  and  only  know  he  looked  back 
on  account  of  my  happening  to  look  back  to 
[181] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


see  how  far  I  had  gone.  I  went  a  mile  further 
and  somehow  that  smile  of  his  stuck  in  my  mind 
and  made  me  sort  of  happy  for  no  reason,  and 
at  the  same  time  awful  extra  lonesome  for 
Jim.  I  made  up  my  mind  I  would  get  Jim  a 
new  car  for  a  surprise  when  he  come  home  and 
I  would  send  him  a  extra  hox  of  eats  this  week 
and  some  of  them  cigarettes  he  likes  so  well, 
and  a  whole  lot  of  stuff  like  that,  the  way  a 
woman  does  at  such  a  time.  Do  you  get  me? 
Probably. 

Well  anyways,  I  walked  myself  into  a  ter- 
rible enthusiasm  over  Jim,  and  then  come  back 
to  the  hotel.  Which,  by  the  way,  its  a  strange 
tiling  how  much  further  it  is  coming  back  to  a 
Atlantic  City  hotel  than  walking  away  from 
it.  And  there  at  the  door  was  Ma  with  the 
two  dogs.  A  real  strange  sight  for  I  never 
knew  her  to  take  them  out  before,  and  it  looked 
like  a  guilty  conscience,  for  she  give  me  a  peek 
out  of  the  corner  of  her  eye  for  some  reason 
and  then  hastily  explained  how  she  had  thought 
she'd  take  them  herself  this  time  instead  of 
Musette.  Well,  we  got  rid  of  the  dogs  and 
then  core  down  to  dinner  where  Maison  sailed 
down  upon  us  all  dressed  up  and  no  place  to 
go,  for  it  seems  this  Mr.  Freddy  had  stood  her 
[182] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


up  on  the  dinner,  having  telephoned  he'd  be 
over  later  with  a  friend  or  two  but  business  pre- 
vented him  paying  for  her  meal,  or  at  least 
thats  what  I  expect  he  meant.  And  Maison 
was  wild.  But  she  had  to  eat  dinner  with  us, 
and  register  a  bunch  of  complaints  between 
bowing  to  friends  and  so  forth. 

"The  luck  I  have!"  she  says.  "That  guy 
Freddy  doesn't  think  any  more  of  a  nickle  than 
he  does  of  his  right  arm!  And  with  all  the 
conventions  which  is  held  at  this  town  of  course 
we  would  have  to  pick  on  the  date  the  Baptist 
ministers  was  here!  Its  a  fact!  The  clerk 
told  me.  And  what  is  more  if  there  ain't  Ruby 
Roselle  and  Goldringer  and  will  you  look  at 
that  wine  and  it  twelve  a  quart  without  the 
tax!     Well,  of  all  things!" 

in 

And  there  sure  enough  was  Ruby  across  the 
room  with  Goldringer,  which  he  evidently  had 
come  down  to  wait  for  the  answer  to  that  cable 
in  the  fresh  air,  and  I  suppose  Ruby  was  a  ac- 
cident, the  same  as  Freddy,  for  goodness 
knows,  I  wouldnt  say  a  thing  against  her  even 
behind  her  back — and  a  good  deal  could  be  said 
[183] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


behind  what  shows  of  it  when  in  costume.  But 
I  wouldnt  say  it  anyhow,  because  even  if  it  was 
the  truth  that  woman  would  sue  a  person  for 
liabale  if  only  to  get  her  name  in  the  paper. 
And  if  she  happened  to  be  taking  dinner  with 
Goldringer,  Gawd  knows,  its  a  comparatively 
free  country  and  he's  her  manager  as  well  as 
mine  and  its  a  good  thing  to  assume  its  only 
business  whenever  possible  as  thinking  the  best 
of  people  never  hurt  anybody  yet. 

Also  across  the  room  all  by  himself  was  that 
young  Captain,  and  he  looked  over  twice  but 
of  course  I  pretended  it  was  the  picture  on  the 
wall  over  his  head  which  had  took  my  eye.  Al- 
together that  strange  dining  room  wasnt  much 
more  lonesome  to  us  than  the  Ritz  or  Astor  for 
tea  would  of  been.  But  the  most  remarkable 
part  of  the  meal  was  Ma.  Because  she  didn't 
touch  it!  Actually,  and  it  the  American  plan 
which  would  tempt  one  of  these  Asthetics  if 
for  no  other  reason  but  that  you  have  to  pay 
for  it  anyway.  And  all  she  took  was  a  piece 
of  meat  about  the  size  of  a  dime  and  a  leaf 
of  salad. 

"I'm  going  to  stick  by  what  I  said  if  only 
because  you  said  I  wouldnt!"  she  says,  look- 
[184] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


ing  me  square  in  the  eye.  "Diet  is  my  middle 
name." 

Well,  I  mentally  give  her  until  to-morrow 
on  that  but  said  nothing  at  the  time.  And  we 
went  out  into  the  lounge  where  Mr.  Freddy 
and  three  friends  was  already  lounging  and 
after  they  had  joined  us,  Goldringer  and  Ruby 
did  the  same,  and  the  drinks  commenced  to 
flow  with  that  frantic  haste  like  into  a  river 
at  the  edge  of  the  ocean  as  the  poet  says,  mean- 
ing because  its  near  its  finish.  While  I,  never 
using  any  alcohol  myself  except  to  remove  my 
make  up,  sat  there  flushed  with  Bevo,  and 
couldn't  help  noticing  the  way  the  Captain 
which  he  was  still  all  alone,  looked  over  at  the 
menagerie,  and  it  made  me  boil  for  how  could 
I  help  that  piker  Freddy  and  his  cheap  friends 
and  the  rest,  and  believe  you  me  there  are  many 
perfect  ladies  in  pictures  and  on  the  stage,  only 
the  public,  dont  often  recognize  them  because 
they  are  swamped  with  a  bunch  of  roughnecks 
which  all  are  popularly  supposed  to  be. 

It  was  a  big  relief  when  the  Captain  got  up 
and  went,  away  about  nine,  and  left  us  to  a 
endurance  contest  as  to  which  could  sit  up  the 
longest  in  that  refreshing  atmosphere  of 
cigarette  smoke  and  drinks  and  ten-dollar  per- 
[185] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


fume  with  the  sad  sea  waves  beating  vainly 
outside  the  carefully  glass  enclosed  verandah 
until  one  o'clock — when  I  personally  went  to 
bed  leaving  them  to  their  fate. 

I  give  the  telephone  operator  a  terrible 
shock  by  leaving  a  call  for  seven  thirty,  and 
when  it  come  I  put  on  my  riding  suit  which 
I  had  left  from  a  dance  called  "The  Call  to 
Hounds"  which  Jim  and  me  done  at  the  Palace 
just  before  he  enlisted,  and  went  out  into  the 
keen  morning  air.  And  it  was  some  air! 
Then  I  commenced  to  look  around  for  horses 
but  had  great  difficulty  in  finding  the  same,  for 
it  seems  the  Atlantic  City  horses  dont  get  up 
any  earlier  than  most  of  the  visitors,  and  be- 
lieve you  me  I  and  a  few  coons  which  were 
picking  up  scraps  and  so  forth  off  the  board- 
walk, was  the  only  birds  in  sight  at  that  hour. 
Well  anyways  I  walked  along  breathing  in  that 
sweet  air  at  about  fifty  cents  per  breath  by  the 
hotel  rates,  but  feeling  pretty  good  in  spite  of 
it,  when  I  actually  found  a  place  where  the 
horses  was  up — or  mabe  they  had  been  all 
night.  I  got  a  horse  which  looked  consider- 
able like  a  moth-eaten  property  one  but  could 
go  pretty  good  and  commenced  to  ride  gently 
along  what  seemed  to  be  my  private  ocean, 
[186] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


when  all  of  a  sudden  who  would  I  see  but  the 
young  Captain  riding  very  good  indeed.  He 
come  up  to  me  on  high  and  then  tried  to  put 
on  the  brakes  when  he  seen  who  it  was,  but  the 
horse  had  its  mind  on  something  else  and 
wouldnt,  so  he  got  by  me  but  not  without  a 
"Good  morning!"  Which  I  thought  fairly  safe 
to  smile  at  seeing  we  was  so  rapidly  going  in 
opposite  directions.  But  it  seems  he  must  of 
spoke  roughly  to  his  steed  for  he  come  up  be- 
hind me  and  spoke  with  just  that  grand  refined 
Big-Time  drawing-room  act  accent  I  knew  by 
his  little  moustache  he  would  have. 

"I  say!  What  luck!"  he  says.  "You  are 
Miss  Marie  LaTour,  are  you  not?" 

Was  I  sore?  I  was.  Any  lady  would  be 
and  of  course  after  the  company  he  seen  me  in 
at  the  hotel  what  could  I  expect  but  to  be 
picked  up?  But  more  particularly  as  he  had 
my  name  and  it  with  a  good  reputation,  and 
no  one  can  say  different  with  truth,  I  simply 
had  to  show  him  where  he  got  off. 

"Sir!"  I  says,  just  like  a  play.  "Sir!  I  do 
not  know  you.     Please  beat  it  at  once!" 

"I  know,  but  really!"  he  begged,  flashing 
that  white  smile.     "I'm  not  trying  to  be  im- 
pertenant — let  me  explain.  .  .  ." 
[187] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


"Explain  nothing!"  I  says  very  haughty. 
"I  wont  listen." 

"But  I'm  not  doing  what  you  think!"  he 
cries  out.     "Please  wait  until  you  hear.  .  .  ." 

"I've  heard  that  'please  listen'  stuff  before," 
I  says.    "Good-by!" 

And  then  I  done  the  bravest  act  of  my  life, 
not  being  really  acquainted  with  horses,  espe- 
cially Atlantic  City  ones.  I  give  the  horse  a 
lash  and  off  we  went,  I  trying  hard  to  give  the 
impression  of  a  good  rider  and  not  looking 
back  because  I  dasn't  with  that  animal  headed 
for  the  steel  pier  full  clip.  But  1  heard  the 
Captain's  remarks,  just  the  same. 

"By  jove,  I'll  make  you  listen  to  me — just 
for  that!"  he  says.  And  I  heard  no  more,  for 
the  bird  which  keeps  the  horses  come  out  and 
rescued  me  just  before  we  hit  the  pier  and  I 
got  off  and  started  for  the  hotel,  boiling  with 
rage.  Me  treated  like  a  common  chorus  girl! 
Me,  once  the  best  known  parlor  dancing  act 
in  the  world,  and  now  even  more  so  on  the  mo- 
tion picture  screen  and  a  lady  or  dead!  I 
wouldnt  of  looked  at  that  guy  again  on  a  bet— 
I  made  up  my  mind  right  then  and  there  to 
show  him  his  mistake  and  that  if  my  accent 
wasnt  as  good  as  his  my  morals  was  better  and 
[188] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


no  attempt  on  his  part  could  get  me  to  speak 
to  him  again. 

Well  in  this  state  of  mind  I  run  into  Ma, 
just  before  we  reached  the  hotel  which  she  was 
hurrying  to  just  ahead  of  me,  and  believe  you 
me  I  was  sure  surprised  because  I  never  knew 
her  out  so  early  although  she  generally  is  up  by 
seven,  but  with  her  curlpapers  still  on  and  a 
kimona  and  thats  different  from  coming  out 
in  public. 

"I've  been  taking  my  exercise!"  she  says 
before  I  could  speak.  "And  I'm  glad  to  see 
you  do  the  same,"  she  says. 

And  I  certainly  had  to  hand  it  to  her 
strength  of  mind  because  after  being  out  so 
early  and  all  she  eat  was  only  tea  and  dry 
toast  for  breakfast. 

After  which  we  stopped  by  the  office  and 
just  before  we  got  there  I  see  the  Captain  give 
a  note  to  the  clerk  and  walk  away.  When  we 
asked  for  mail  that  note  was  the  first  thing  the 
clerk  handed  me. 

"Captain  Raymond  just  left  this  for  you 
Miss  LaTour,"  he  says. 

I  didnt  even  open  it. 

"Kindly  return  it,"  I  says,  very  dignified, 
giving  it  back,  and  looked  over  my  other  mail. 
[189] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


But  no  letter  from  my  husband,  which  is  al- 
ways the  way  on  a  day  a  woman  most  needs 
one.  So  I  went  upstairs  very  low  in  my  mind 
and  sort  of  glad  that  even  if  Jim  couldn't  think 
to  write  there  was  others  would  be  glad  enough 
to  if  they  was  let.  And  then  I  went  and  got 
Maison  out  of  bed  which  she  w7as  taking  her 
breakfast  in. 

"You  come  down  here  for  your  health  and 
look  what  you  do  to  it!"  I  says,  and  made  her 
go  for  a  boardwalk  which  she  held  out  for  about 
half  a  hour  and  no  wonder  with  the  heels  she 
wears,  and  then  stopped  me  with  a  gasp. 

"Dearie,  you  surely  must  be  the  one  that 
put  the  hell  in  health,"  she  says,  "For  heavens 
sakes  leave  us  sit  down." 

Well  we  did,  and  in  about  five  minutes  along 
comes  Mr.  Freddy  with  a  friend,  Mr.  Stern- 
berg, and  it  was  remarkable  how  quick  Maison 
recovered  her  strength,  with  the  result  that  we 
spent  a  quiet  little  morning  and  about  fifty  dol- 
lars of  Mr.  Sternberg's  money  on  shooting- 
galleries  and  throwing  rings  and  carousels  and 
a  Japanese  auction  and  other  restful  seaside 
sports,  and  ended  at  a  quiet  little  cafe  simply 
done  in  paper  roses  and  rubber  palm  trees 
where  the  drinks  was  only  seventy-five  cents 
[190] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


per  each  and  I  had  to  sit  and  watch  them  again4 
Ma  having  gone  off  to  exercise  and  not  appear- 
ing to  want  me  along  with  her. 

Well  anyways  I  was  sort  of  relieved  over 
not  having  to  eat  lunch  with  Captain  Raymond 
looking  on  hack  at  the  hotel,  and  was  just 
thinking  of  it  when  who  would  come  into  that 
cafe  but  the  Captain  himself,  alone  except  for 
another  officer,  a  Lieutenant  with  his  arm  in 
a  sling  and  caught  sight  of  me  the  very  min- 
ute he  sat  down. 

Well  of  course  I  didnt  look  over  at  him  but 
I  couldnt  help  noticing  lie  called  a  waiter  and 
wrote  a  note  on  a  piece  of  paper  and  that  the 
waiter  brought  it  over  to  me. 

And  Maison  seen  it  too,  and  her  gentleman 
friends  the  same,  and  did  they  kid  me?  They 
did!  But  I  kept  the  bird  which  had  brought 
the  note  over  while  I  tore  it  in  two  without 
reading  it  and  sent  it  back  again  that  way  and 
believe  you  me  that  got  over,  because  I  could 
see  Captain  Raymond  turn  red  all  the  way 
across  the  noisy  room. 

Well  I  thought  that  had  settled  it  and  spent 

a  mournful  if  busy  afternoon  in  another  cafe 

where  there  was  lots  of  smoke  and  a  Jazz  band 

and  dancing  and  Maison  was  real  happy  be- 

[191] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


cause  she  had  finally  got  Mr.  Freddy  to  spend 
a  nickle  and  a  half.  But  I  was  lower  than 
ever  in  my  mind  thinking  how  much  more  often 
some  soldiers  seemed  able  to  write  than  others. 

Well,  after  we  had  taken  a  nice  walk  in  the 
fresh  air  nearly  three  blocks  long,  I  got  back 
to  the  hotel  to  find  that  Goldringer  was  giving 
a  party  that  night  beginning  with  dinner  and 
of  course  Ma  and  me  was  booked  for  it  and  no 
escape  because  of  my  contract  with  him.  And 
it  was  some  party  and  at  twelve  o'clock  that 
night  I  dragged  my  weary  bones  down  the  cor- 
ridor after  the  second  day  of  my  rest,  feeling 
that  I  would  pass  out  any  minute.  A  person 
certainly  does  need  their  strength  to  enjoy  a 
American  health  resort. 

The  next  morning  I  didn't  even  attempt  to 
get  up  for  any  wild  west  exhibit.  I  hadn't  the 
pep  for  one  thing  and  the  CajDtain  was  another 
reason  of  course.  And  when  I  finally  come 
down-stairs  and  see  Ma  eat  practically  noth- 
ing, I  let  her  set  off  right  away  after  breakfast 
without  me  for  exercise  was  nothing  in  my  life. 
I  strolled  around  the  lobby  waiting  for  Maison 
Rosabelle  according  to  her  request  and  there  I 
seen  a  big  poster  which  I  had  noticed  before, 
the  one  about  the  entertainment  for  the  bene- 
[192] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


fit  of  blind  soldiers  which  the  Captain  had  been 
sitting  under  the  first  time  I — lie  saw  me,  and 
I  went  over  and  read  it  and  the  entertainment 
was  to  come  off  that  very  night.  And  while 
I  was  reading  it  the  second  time  the  way  a  per- 
son does  in  a  hotel  lobby,  up  comes  Captain 
Raymond  and  actually  speaks  right  there 
where  a  sceane  would  of  proved  me  no  lady. 

"Please,  Miss  LaTour!"  he  says.  "It's  so 
important." 

"Kindly  do  not  force  me  to  call  for  assist- 
ance," I  says  low  and  quiet.  "You  are  a 
stranger  to  me." 

"But  you  dont  understand!"  he  says,  flush- 
ing up  red  the  attractive  way  he  had  for  all  he 
was  so  fresh. 

"Indeed  I  do,"  I  says.  "I  havent  been  in 
the  theatrical  world  since  three  generations  for 
nothing,"  I  says.     "Kindly  go  away!" 

"If  you  would  only  listen  for  five  minutes, 
I'd  prove  how  mistaken  you  are!"  he  says. 
"Won't  you  give  me  a  chance?" 

"No!"  I  says. 

"By  Heavens,  I'll  make  you!"  he  says,  half 
laughing.  "I've  never  seen  anything  so  ab- 
surd!    Why  my  dear  lady.  .  .  ." 

Right  then  up  comes  Maison  in  a  simple  lit- 
[193] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


tie  Xmas  tree  of  a  dress  in  green  and  gold  and 
red,  and  I  broke  away  and  took  her  arm,  and 
hurried  her  out  through  the  front  door,  leav- 
ing the  Captain  staring  after  us  and  rather 
against  Maison's  will. 

"Why  didn't  you  introduce  me,  dearie?"  she 
savs.  "I  kind  a  thought  you'd  pick  up  that 
bird!" 

"I  didn't  pick  him  up.  I  turned  him  down !" 
I  snapped.  But  Maison  kidded  me  the  whole 
three  hours  while  we  was  in  the  beauty-par- 
lours getting  waived  and  manicured. 

IV 

Then  we  had  a  nice  wholesome  little  lunch 
lasting  only  three  hours  and  comparatively 
quiet  and  by  ourselves,  seeing  there  was  only 
Goldringer  and  Ruby  Roselle  and  Maison  and 
Freddy  and  O'Flaraty,  our  leading  juvenile 
who  had  turned  up,  and  Mr.  Sternberger  and 
a  friend  of  3 la's  which  used  to  be  in  the  circus 
with  her,  and  Ma  and  myself.  And  all  the 
way  through  I  watched  Ma  kind  of  anxiously, 
for  she  only  toyed  with  a  little  salad  and  passed 
up  everything  else.  I  was  by  this  time  really 
scared  she  would  be  haggard  or  something,  but 
[194] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


she  looked  fine,  and  not  a  word  of  complaint 
out  of  her,  only  toward  four  o'clock  she  got 
kind  of  restless,  and  so  did  I,  so  we  excused 
ourselves,  and  walked  to  the  door  toother. 

"You  needn't  come  along  with  re,  Mary 
Gilligan,"  she  says.  "I  want  to  walk  real 
fast." 

I  looked  at  her  sort  of  surprised  at  that,  but 
at  the  time  the  queerness  didn't  really  sink  in. 
And  I  was  so  wore  out  I  was  actually  glad  to 
let  her  go  alone  and  personally,  myself,  I  took 
one  of  those  overgrown  baby-carriages  or  roll- 
ing chairs  which  I  thought  a  healthy  young 
person  like  myself  would  never  come  to,  and 
sank  into  it  like  the  poor  weary  soul  I  was, 
and  let  the  coon  tuck  me  in  like  a  six-months- 
old,  and  off  we  went  as  fast  as  a  snail. 

Well  it  was  pleasanter  than  I  had  thought  it 
would  be  and  I  got  kind  of  drowsy  and  dreamy 
and  somehow  I  couldnt  help  but  think  of  Cap- 
tain Raymond  and  how  refined  and  nice  he  was 
and  how  my  fame  and  beauty  had  captured 
him  to  the  extent  that  it  had  almost  made  him 
forget  to  act  like  a  gentleman,  and  how  he  per- 
sisted like  a  regular  story  book  hero.  And  I 
wondered  if  he  would  shoot  himself  on  my  ac- 
count, and  that  threw  a  awful  scare  into  me, 
[195] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


for  handsome  women  have  a  terrible  responsi- 
bility in  the  way  they  treat  men.  And  I  won- 
dered was  I  really  doing  the  right  thing,  tak- 
ing such  a  risk  by  treating  him  so  sever  and  not 
speaking  and  here  he  was  in  the  service  of  his 
country  and  all  and  Gawd  knows  I  might  be 
wrecking  his  whole  life  from  then  on.  And 
furthermore  I  thought  how  hard  it  is  to  be  re- 
fined and  what  a  lot  a  person  has  to  sacrifice 
to  it,  and  that  the  roughnecks  of  this  world 
seem  to  have  most  of  the  fun.  And  that  it  was 
certainly  hard  to  be  dignified  but  that  my  whole 
career  was  built  on  my  refinement  no  less  than 
my  great  talent,  and  I  must  respect  my  own 
position.  Ah  well,  uneasy  lies  the  tooth  that 
wears  a  crown  as  the  poet  says,  or  something! 

And  by  this  ti:r.e  the  coon  had  got  tired 
pushing  me  and  turning  my  face  sea-ward  had 
gone  to  take  a  rest  and  I  took  one  too  and 
actually  fell  asleep. 

When  I  woke  up  I  was  moving  again,  going 
slow  in  the  direction  of  the  Inlet,  and  I  felt 
quite  refreshed  and  happy,  and  the  whole  of 
Atlantic  City  appeared  to  feel  the  same,  for 
everybody  I  passed  smiled  and  seemed  to  be 
enjoying  theirselve.  And  they  all  seemed  to 
smile  at  me  in  such  a  sweet,  friendly  way  it 
[196] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


made  my  heart  feel  awful  good.  I  was  even 
quite  surprised  because  although  of  course  I 
am  used  to  being  recognized  every  place  I  go, 
but  still,  more  people  than  ever  was  doing  it 
this  afternoon.  I  begun  to  think  I  must  be 
looking  pretty  good  and  that  my  hat,  about 
which  I  had  had  a  few  doubts,  was  a  big  suc- 
cess after  all.  It  really  was  a  sort  of  tri- 
umphal progress  as  the  saying  is,  and  I  had 
half  a  mind  to  turn  around  when  we  passed 
the  last  pier;  but  the  ocean  looked  so  beautiful 
and  pink  in  the  sunset  and  going  the  other  way 
it  would  of  been  in  my  eyes,  so  I  just  let  my- 
self be  rolled  on  and  on  until  we  was  almost 
to  the  Inlet  and  not  a  soul  in  sight.  Then  the 
chair  stopped  and  was  turned  against  the  rail. 

"Now  I've  got  you  at  last!"  said  a  unex- 
pected voice,  and  around  from  the  back  came, 
not  the  coon,  but  Captain  Raymond. 

"Where  did  you  come  from?"  I  asked, 
hardly  able  to  speak. 

"I  have  had  the  honor  of  pushing  you  into 
this  secluded  corner  of — of  the  ocean!"  he  said, 
his  blue  eyes  twinkling. 

"But  how — how  ..."  I  sputtered. 

"I  bought  off  the  colored  man  while  you 
[197] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


were  sleeping,"  he  said.  "And  have  been  your 
humble  servant  for  almost  an  hour!" 

Can  you  beat  it?     You  cant! 

"Well  of  all  the  nerve,"  I  began,  remember- 
ing how  people  had  smiled,  and  no  wonder! 

"What  are  you  going  to  do  about  it?"  he 
asked. 

"Walk  home  this  minute !"  I  says,  struggling 
with  the  rugs.  But  they  had  a  will  of  their 
own  and  it  was  on  his  side  and  I  just  couldnt 
seem  to  get  free  of  them. 

"Oh  I  say,  don't  be  so  absurd!"  he  says  smil- 
ingly. 

"I'm  not!"  I  says. 

"Oh  but  you  are !"  he  insisted.  "Just  sit  still 
and  let  me  show  you  something!" 

Well,  there  was  nothing  for  me  but  to  give 
in  or  look  a  utter  fool,  and  he  was  so  attrac- 
tive! And,  well  anyways,  I  waited  and  he 
brought  out  a  letter  from  his  overcoat  pocket 
and  it  was  the  very  one  he  had  wrote  me  first 
and  I  had  returned  it  to  the  hotel  clerk. 

"Please  just  open  it!"  he  begged,  and  I  did 
and  nearly  fainted  because  inside  was  a  letter 
in  Jim's  handwriting  addressed  to  me  and  in- 
troducing Captain  Charles  Raymond  who  was 
with  him  in  France,  only  being  gassed  was  now 
[198] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


home  on  leave  and  would  I  show  him  every 
courtesy  as  he  had  been  good  to  my  ever  lov- 
ing husband,  Jim! 

"And  really  and  truly  I  wouldn't  have  been 
so  persistant,  Miss  LaTour,"  Captain  Ray- 
mond was  saying  as  I  looked  up.  "I  had  in- 
tended using  it  when  I  got  to  New  York  of 
course.  But  when  they  put  me  in  charge  of 
this  entertainment  for  the  benefit  of  the  blind, 
and  I  discovered  you  were  here,  I  was  simply 
determined  to  get  you  to  take  part  in  it. 
Couldn't  you  do  us  just  one  little  dance?  It 
would  be  such  a  drawing-card,  your  name 
would.     That  was  all  I  wanted,  really!" 

Believe  you  me  I  didn't  know  what  to  think 
or  how  I  felt.  Did  I  feel  flat?  I  did!  Did 
I  feel  relieved?  I  did!!  So  it  wasnt  a  mash 
at  all,  and  for  a  moment  I  felt  a  lonelier  war- 
widow  than  ever.  Then  I  remembered  how 
Jim  said  in  the  note  to  be  nice  to  this  bird,  and 
I  could  see,  now  that  I  looked  at  him  good, 
that  he  was  the  sort  which  it  is  perfectly  safe 
to  be  nice  to.  Not  that  he  didnt  admire  me, 
either,  but  that  he  was  just  as  refined  as  me 
and  more  so  and  was  Jim's  pal  beside.  So  I 
says  yes,  of  course  I  would  dance,  and  we 
talked  and  talked  and  the  sun  went  down,  and 
[199] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


got  to  be  real  friends  and  was  it  good  to  hear 
about  Jim,  first  hand  ?  IT  WAS !  And  after 
a  while  we  commenced  to  wralk  back  toward  the 
hotel,  pushing  the  chair,  and  the  lights  was  all 
lit  along  the  walk  like  Fairyland,  and  also  in 
the  shops  so  they  was  more  like  show-cases 
than  ever.  And  then  I  got  the  second  shock 
of  the  afternoon  because  at  ten  past  six  with 
dinner  at  seven,  there  was  Ma  in  the  Ocean 
Lunch  eating  griddle-cakes,  fish-balls,  Sals- 
bury  steake  and  coffee,  with  a  little  strained 
honey  and  apple-pie  on  the  side!  iSTo  wonder 
she  could  diet  so  good!  And  I  take  it  to  my 
credit  that,  since  she  did  not  notice  me,  I  never 
let  on  that  I  seen  her,  not  then  nor  afterward 
at  dinner  when  she  refused  everything  but  two 
dill  pickles! 

But  it  wasn't  until  afterward  when  I  was 
in  the  star  dressing-room  at  the  Apollo  Thea- 
tre, putting  on  my  make-up  for  the  benefit  that 
the  real  blow  came.  I  was  just  about  ready  to 
go  on  when  in  rushed  Goldringer,  all  breath- 
less with  a  cablegram  in  his  hand. 

"Its  all  right  about  Olivette  Twist!"  he 
puffed  at  me.  "We'll  begin  making  that 
fillum  Tuesday!"  and  he  threw  the  message 
[200] 


ANYTHING  ONCE 


down  on  my  dressing  table.  It  was  signed  by 
our  London  manager  and  it  read: — 

"Present  location  of  Charles  Dickens  uncer- 
tain but  material  is  uncopyrighted,  shoot." 

And  so  immediately  after  the  show,  myself 
and  Ma  went  back  to  New  York  to  get  a  twen- 
ty-four hour  rest  before  commencing  work 
again. 


[201] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


Believe  you  me,  the  world  to-day  is  just 
about  as  settled  as  a  green  passenger  on  a  trip 
to  Bermuda.  There  is  that  same  awful  feel- 
ing of  not  knowing  is  something  going  to  hap- 
pen or  not — do  you  get  me?  You  do!  And  it 
can't  help  but  strike  even  a  mere  womanly 
woman  and  lady  like  I,  that  unless  the  captain 
and  officers  keep  a  firm  hand  on  the  crew  until 
we  get  a  little  ballast  in  the  hold,  we  are  likely 
to  get  in  Dutch.  Not  meaning  the  Germans 
necessarily,  but  the  Russians,  or  something 
just  as  bad.  And  perhaps  it  may  seem  strange 
for  me  to  know  about  them  nautchical  terms, 
but  anybody  which  has  once  been  to  Bermuda 
learns  what  ballast  is  on  account  of  their  not 
having  hardly  any  on  them  boats  because  of  the 
water  not  being  deep  enough,  and  believe  you 
me,  nothing  I  had  to  do  in  the  fillum  we  made 
[202] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


after  what  was  left  of  us  arrived  there,  and  it 
was  some  filhim  at  that— $1000.  for  bathing 
costumes  alone  and  me  as  "The  Sea  King's 
Conquest"  in  silver  scales,  although  hardly 
knowing  how  to  swim — was  a  patch  on  the 
treatment  which  that  unballasted  boat  handed 
me  on  the  trip  down. 

Well  anyways,  even  when  sitting  in  the  se- 
curity of  my  Hat  on  the  Drive,  which  Gawd 
knows  it  aught  to  be  secure  what  with  the  sal- 
ary I  get  and  moving-pictures  will  be  the  last 
tiling  the  common  people  will  give  up; — even 
with  this  security  and  the  handsomest  furniture 
any  installment  house  could  provide,  and  every 
other  equipment  which  is  necessary  to  one  so 
prominent  in  my  line  as  myself,  still  even  in 
the  scarcity  of  the  home,  as  the  poet  says,  I 
am  conscious  that  the  world  is,  or  could  quite 
easily  be,  on  the  blink. 

And  ain't  it  the  truth?  Even  the  simplest 
soul,  buried  in  the  wilds  of  Broadway  and 
wholly  absorbed  in  their  own  small  life  must 
feel  the  unrest.  No  use  kidding  ourselves 
about  it.  It's  time  for  all  good  Americans  to 
quit  fighting  among  theirselves  and  come  to 
the  aid  of  the  country.  Regardless  of  race, 
creed  or  color,  as  the  free  hospital  says,  and 
[203] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Gawd  knows  the  hospital  will  be  where  they'll 
land  if  they  don't.  Do  you  get  me?  Prob- 
ably not.  What  I  mean  is,  it's  time  we  quit 
talking  and  did  something.  What?  I  dunno. 
quite,  but  it  was  this  general  line  of  thought, 
which  come  to  me  while  listening  to  the  direc- 
tor give  me  my  instructions  for  the  ball-room 
scene  in  "The  Dove  of  Peace,"  where  I  catch 
the  Russian  Ambassador  giving  the  nitro- 
glycerine or  some  other  patent  face-cleanser  to 
the  fake  Senator,  caused  me  to  reform  the 
White  Kittens.  That  and  Ma's  peculiar  be- 
havior, plus  the  new  cook. 

You  see  it  come  over  me  all  of  a  sudden  that 
we  ladies  have  now  a  vote  and  so  forth,  which 
unquestionably  makes  us  more  or  less  citizens 
the  same  as  the  men,  and  if  the  country  went 
bluey,  why  wouldn't  it  be  our  fault  as  well? 
And  I  come  to  this  partially  through  the  sense 
of  unrest  and  having  eat  something  that  didn't 
settle  good  and  Ma's  behavior.  All  coming 
at  once  they  kind  of  got  together  and  exploded 
into  my  idea. 

Well  anyways,  I  had  just  come  to  a  place  in 

my  personal  life  where  I  seen  a  little  peace  and 

quiet  ahead  and  nothing  to  do  but  go  up  in  an 

aeroplane  for  the  second  reel  of  "The  Dove." 

[204] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


The  war  was  over  without  Jim  being  killed  in 
it  and  a  new  chance  offered  by  a  big  picture 
contract  the  minute  his  uniform  should  be  off 
him;  I  was  going  strong  with  nothing  but 
Broadway  releases  and  a  salary  which  made 
Morgan  jealous;  my  spring  clothes  hadn't  a 
failure  among  them  and  only  one  of  my  hats 
was  too  tight  in  the  head.  The  fool  dogs  was 
both  healthy,  the  cook  had  stayed  a  month; 
the  car  had  been  in  order  for  over  three  weeks, 
and  I  had  successfully  nursed  Ma  through  the 
flu.  And  I  thought  fat  could  not  harm  me, 
as  the  poet  says,  for  I  had  dieted  to-day.  When 
all  of  a  sudden  Ma,  who  had  hardly  got  over 
the  Influenza,  come  down  with  Bolshevism. 

Now  the  trouble  with  these  new  diseases  is 
that  the  doctors  don't  seem  to  know  anything 
about  them  nor  whaff  makes  them  catching. 
At  least  that  is  the  line  of  talk  they  pull,  but 
I  got  a  hunch  myself,  that  if  the  flu  had  been 
quarantined  right  in  the  first  place  it  could  of 
been  stopped.  Do  3^011  get  me?  You  do!  And 
I  will  say  one  more  word  in  favor  of  Influenza. 
You  was  obliged  to  report  it,  if  only  to  the 
Board  of  Health.  But  Bolshevism  seems  to 
be  like  a  cold  in  the  head.  If  you  catch  it, 
that  evidently  is  nobody's  business  but  your 
[205] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


own ;  if  you  spread  it — the  same.  Then  again 
folks  are  kind  of  proud  of  having  had  the  flu. 
It  makes  conversation  and  everything,  and  one 
which  has  escaped  feels  a  little  mortified  like 
admitting  they  had  never  seen  Charlie  Chap- 
lin. Indeed,  people  certainly  do  get  a  lot  of 
pleasure  out  of  illness  and  etc.  And  so  long 
as  it  is  under  control,  all  right,  leave  them  en- 
joy theirselves.  They  had  to  suffer  first  and 
mabe  a  little  talk  is  coming  to  them. 

But  with  this  Bolshevism  it's  the  other  way 
around.  The  talk  comes  first,  but  believe  you 
me,  the  suffering  will  come  afterwards.  And 
if  they  could  only  be  made  to  realise  this  ere  too 
late,  a  whole  lot  of  patients  would  be  cured 
before  they  got  it.  A  ounce  of  Americanism 
is  worth  a  pound  of  red  propaganda,  as  the 
poet  says,  or  would  of  had  he  written  to-day. 

Things  started  with  Ma  as  per  usual  upset- 
ting the  cook  which  has  come  to  be  a  habit  with 
her,  for  cooking  is  to  Ma  what  his  art  is  to 
Caruso — naught  but  death  could  tear  her  from 
it  permanent.  And  while  I  give  her  credit  for 
trying  in  every  way  to  be  an  idle  rich,  the 
kitchen  might  as  well  be  furnished  with  mag- 
nets and  she  a  nail  for  all  she  can  keep  out  of 
it  with  the  natural  result  that  keeping  out  of 
[20C] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


it  is  the  best  thing  the  cooks  we  hire  do.  Arid 
I  can't  say  with  any  truth  that  I  have  made  as 
much  effort  to  break  her  of  that  as  of  some 
other  lack  of  refinements,  such  as  remembering 
that  toothpicks  ain't  a  public  utility  and  never 
to  say  "excuse  my  back,"  or  keep  her  knife  and 
fork  for  the  next  course  at  the  llitz.  Because 
believe  you  me,  Ma  is  some  cook  and  a  real 
authograph  dinner  by  her  is  something  to  bring 
tears  of  sweet  memory  to  the  eyes  of  the  older 
generation  and  leave  us  young  things  in  sym- 
pathetic wonder  about  them  dear  dead  days 
when  first  class  home-cooking  was  a  custom, 
not  a  curiosity.  And  so  while  the  material  side 
of  life  don't  interest  me  much,  what  with  my 
work  and  etc.  to  take  my  mind  off  it,  still  even 
a  artist  must  eat  or  Gawd  knows  where  the 
strength  to  act  in  the  "Dove  of  Peace"  or  any 
other  six-reeler  would  come  from  if  I  didn't, 
and  Ma's  is  that  simple  nourishing  kind,  but 
with  quality,  the  same  as  the  sort  of  dresses  1 
wear — made  out  of  two  dollars  worth  of  ma- 
terial and  a  thousand  dollar  idea. 

Well  anyways,  our  latest  cock  which  had  a 

husband  in  the  service  and  had  took  up  her 

work  again  so's  to  release  him  for  the  front  at 

Camp  Mills,  for  he  got  no  further,  heard  he 

[207] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


was  coming  back  home,  having  got  his  dis- 
charge and  it  upset  her  so  but  whether  from 
joy  or  rage,  I  don't  know  which,  that  there 
was  nothing  to  eat  in  the  kitchen  but  a  little 
liquor  she  had  left  at  seven-thirty,  when  we 
went  in  to  see  what  was  the  cause  of  delay,  and 
me  with  Maison  llosabelle  and  a  friend  to  din- 
ner. So  Ma  woke  her  up  out  of  her  emotions 
which  she  claimed  had  overcome  her,  and  give 
her  a  honorable  discharge  of  her  own  and  then 
turned  up  the  ends  of  her  sleeves,  and  only  a 
little  hampered  by  the  narrow  skirt  to  the  green 
satin  evening  gown  she  had  on  her,  give  us  a 
meal  as  per  above  described.  And  no  one 
would  of  cared  how  long  it  was  before  the  in- 
telligence office — I  mean  domestic,  not  U.S. 
Army — sent  us  a  cook  but  that  in  trying  to 
save  her  dress  Ma  got  hot  grease  on  her  right 
hand  and  that  changed  the  situation  because  we 
had  to  call  up  next  day  and  take  anything  they 
had — and  they  sent  us  up  a  German  woman. 

Well,  believe  you  me,  that  was  a  shock  be- 
cause I  had  an  idea  that  all  the  Germans  in  the 
country  was  either  interned  or  incognito,  but 
this  one  wasn't  even  disguised,  which  isn't  so 
remarkable  on  account  of  her  being  pretty  near 
as  big  as  Ma  and  a  voice  on  her  like  a  fog-horn 
[208] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


with  a  strong  accent  on  the  fog.  I  never  in  ir j 
life  see  so  many  bags  and  bundles  and  ecteras 
as  that  female  had  with  her,  for  she  was  un- 
doubtedly one,  although  she  had  a  sort  of 
moustache  beside  the  voice.  But  what  she  had 
in  voice  she  certainly  lacked  in  words.  When 
Ma  set  out  to  ask  her  the  usual  questions  which 
everybody  does,  although  their  heart  is  trem- 
bling with  fear,  she  won't  take  the  job,  this 
lady  Hun  didn't  divulge  no  more  information 
about  herself  than  we  asked.  She  was  as  stingy 
with  her  language  as  if  it  had  been  hard  liquor. 
Ma  asked  her  to  come  in,  and  she  did,  and  sat 
without  being  asked  upon  one  of  the  gold  chairs 
in  the  parlor  which  I  certainly  never  expected 
it  would  survive  the  test,  they  being  made  for 
parlor  rather  than  sitting  room. 

Well  anyways,  it's  a  fact  she  certainly  was 
a  mountain  and  if  she  were  a  fair  specimen,  all 
this  about  the  Germans  starving  to  death  is 
the  bunk.  Only  her  being  over  here  may  of 
made  a  difference.  Well,  after  she  had  set 
down  a  bundle  done  up  in  black  oil-cloth,  a  cute 
little  hand-bag  about  a  yard  long  made  out  of 
somebody's  old  stair-carpet,  a  shoe-box  with  a 
heel  of  bread  sticking  out  at  one  end,  an  um- 
brella which  looked  like  a  sea-side  one,  a  pot  of 
[209] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


white  hyacinths  in  full  bloom  and  a  net-bag 
full  of  little  odds  and  ends,  she  still  had  an  old 
black  pocket-book  and  a  big  bulky  bundle  done 
up  in  a  shawl  lying  idly  in  her  lap.  After  I 
had  taken  all  this  in,  I  gave  her  personally  the 
once-over  and  was  surprised  to  see  she  wasn't 
so  old  as  her  figure,  or  anything  like  it.  For 
by  the  size  of  her  she  might  of  been  the  Pyra- 
mids, but  her  face  was  quite  young  and  if  she 
had  been  a  boy  I  would  of  said  the  moustache 
was  the  first  cherished  down. 

"What's  your  name,  dearie?"  says  Ma,  which 
I  simpl}r  can't  learn  her  not  to  be  familiar 
with  servants. 

"Anna,"  says  the  lump. 

"And  where  do  you  come  from?"  says  Ma, 
giving  a  poor  imitation  of  a  detective. 

"CI  1  Country,"  says  Anna.  Well,  Ma  and 
me  at  once  exchanged  glances,  putting  name 
and  place  together. 

"German?"  says  Ma.     "Of  course!" 

"Swedish,"  says  Anna,  more  lumpishly  than 
ever. 

And  just  at  that  moment  the  air  was  filled 

with  a  big  laugh  that  none  of  us  there  had  give 

voice  to.     It  was  some  shock,  that  laugh,  and 

Ma  and  me  looked  around  expecting  to  see 

[210] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


who  had  come  into  the  room,  but  it  was  no- 
body. Anna  was  the  only  one  who  didn't  seem 
disturbed.     She  just  went  on  sitting. 

"Who  was  that?"  says  Ma. 

"It  must  of  been  outside,"  I  says,  for  it  was 
warm  and  we  had  the  windows  open  so's  to 
let  in  the  gasoline  and  railroad  smoke  and  a 
little  fresh  air. 

"I  guess  so,"  says  Ma.  Then  she  went  back 
to  her  third-degree. 

"So  you're  Swedish!"  says  Ma.  "Can  you 
cook?"' 

"Good!"  says  Anna.     "Svell  cook!"' 

"Well,  dearie!"  says  Ma,  "why  was  it  you 
left  your  last  place?" 

"Too  hot!"  says  Anna.  And  again  me  and 
Ma  exchanged  glances. 

"Are  you  a  good  American?"  says  Ma. 

"Good  American- Swedish,"  says  Anna.  And 
immediately  that  awful  laugh  was  repeated. 
This  time  it  was  in  the  room,  no  doubt  about 
it.  And  yet  no  one  was  there  outside  our- 
selfs. 

"My  Gawd!"  says  Ma.     "What  was  it?" 

"Somebody  is  hid  some  place!"  I  says.  "And 
I'd  like  to  know  who  is  it  with  the  cheap  sense 
of  humor?" 

[211] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


"It  bane  Frits,"  says  Anna.  "Na,  na, 
Frits!" 

"But  where  on  earth  ..."  I  was  commenc- 
ing, when  I  noticed  Anna  was  unwinding  the 
shawl  off  the  package  in  her  lap.  And  then 
in  another  moment  we  seen  Frits  for  our  own 
selves,  for  there  he  was,  a  big  moth-eaten  par- 
rot, interned  in  a  cage,  making  wicked  eyes 
at  us  and  giving  us  the  ha-ha  like  the  true  Hun 
he  was! 

"Frits  and  me,  we  stay!"  announced  Anna 
comfortably.     "We  stay!" 

"But  look  here,"  says  I,  "we  didn't  start 
out  to  hire  any  parrots." 

"Why  Mary  Gilligan!"  says  Ma,  and  I 
could  see  she  was  scared  that  if  Frits  went 
Anna  would  certainly  go,  too.  "Why  Mary 
Gilligan,  I  thought  you  was  fond  of  dumb  ani- 
mals!" she  says. 

"And  so  I  am,"  I  says.  "The  dumber  the 
better.  But  this  one  is  evidently  far  from  it! 
How  am  I  going  to  figure  out  my  income  tax 
with  this  bird  hanging  around?" 

"Hang  in  den  Kitchen!"  says  Anna  firmly, 

and  at  that  we  gave  in,  because  cooks  is  cooks, 

and  what's  a  bird  more  or  less  after  all?    Still 

I  didn't  like  him  on  account  of  suspecting  he 

[212] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


wasn't  a  neutral  any  more  than  Anna  was  for 
all  she  claimed  to  be  a  Swede.  I  had  read  a 
piece  in  the  paper  about  where  the  Germans 
was  pretending  to  be  Swede  or  Spanish  or  any- 
thing they  could  get  away  with  so's  to  remain 
free  to  spread  Bolshevism  and  influenza  and 
bombs  and  send  up  the  price  of  dry  and  fancy 
goods  and  put  through  the  Prohibition  amend- 
ment and  all  them  other  gentle  little  activities 
for  which  they  are  so  well  and  justly  known. 
But  I  thought  knowledge  is  power  as  the 
guy  which  wrote  the  copy-book  says,  and  I  had 
the  drop  on  Anna  through  being  on  to  her  dis- 
guise and  beside  which  I  could  see  Ma  was  go- 
ing to  be  miserable  if  she  had  to  eat  out  while 
her  hand  was  in  the  sling,  and  so  we  took  the 
viper  to  our  bosom,  or  in  other  words,  we  hired 
her,  and  anyways,  she  had  already  accepted 
the  job  and  it  would  of  been  a  lot  of  trouble 
to  get  her  out  by  force.  Which,  believe  3/011 
me,  a  person  seldom  has  to  do  with  servants 
now-a-days,  and  confirmed  me  about  her  be- 
ing German  because  naturally  people  don't 
hire  them,  if  acknowledging  to  themselves  that 
they  are  Germans  any  more  than  they  would 
now  deliberately  import  sauerkraut  or  any 
[213] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


other    German   industry.     Do   you    get   me? 
You'd  better! 

But  in  this  case  there  was  a  reasonable  doubt 
together  with  a  real  necessity,  although  from 
what  come  of  it,  I  feel,  looking  backwards,  it 
would  of  been  better  to  eat  out  and  suffer  than 
to  of  compromised  with  our  patriotic  con- 
sciences like  we  done  at  that  time.  Because 
there  is  no  reasonable  doubt  but  that  Anna's 
coming  into  the  house  was  greatly  responsible 
for  Ma's  catching  Bolshevism. 

II 

Not  that  she  caught  it  off  Anna  directly, 
because  for  once  we  had  a  cook  which  couldn't 
talk  or  understand  American  and  so  there  was 
no  use  in  -Ma's  hanging  around  the  kitchen 
worrying  the  life  out  of  her.  And  so  the  very 
first  morning  Anna  was  on  the  premises,  Ma 
commenced  hanging  around  and  worrying  the 
life  out  of  me. 

It  happened  we  was  waiting  for  the  aero- 
plane I  was  to  go  up  in  to  arrive  at  the  studio, 
and  so  for  once  having  my  morning'  for  my- 
self, I  thought  I  would  just  dash  off  my  in- 
come tax  return,  and  be  done  with  it. 
[214] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


But  it  seems  that  this  is  one  of  the  things 
which  is  easier  said  than  done,  the  same  as 
signing  the  peace-treaty,  and  believe  you  me, 
the  last  ain't  got  a  thing  on  the  former  and  I 
don't  know  did  Pres.  Wilson  make  out  his  own 
income  tax  return  or  not.  But  if  he  did  and 
the  collector  of  Internal  Revenue  left  him  get 
by  with  it  as  he  must  of  or  why  would  the  Pres. 
be  in  Paris,  which  is  out  of  the  country,  well 
anyways,  if  the  Pres.  did  it  alone,  believe  you 
me,  he  will  get  away  with  the  treaty  all  right, 
and  probably  even  write  in  this  here  Leg  of 
Nations  under  table  13,  page  1,  of  return  and 
instructions  page  2  under  K  (b)  without  hav- 
ing to  ask  anybody  how  to  do  it,  he  having  un- 
doubtedly shown  the  power  to  think. 

Well  anyways,  I  had  taken  all  the  poker- 
chips,  silk-sale  samples,  old  theatre  programs 
and  etc.,  out  of  my  desk,  found  my  fountain 
pen  and  a  bottle  of  ink,  and  was  turning  that 
cute  little  literacy  test  around  and  over  to  see 
where  would  I  commence  and  had  got  no  fur- 
ther than  the  realization  that  most  of  my  brains 
is  in  my  feet  instead  of  behind  my  face,  when 
Ma  comes  in  and  commences  worrying  me  be- 
cause she  could  not  cook  nor  yet  crochet  like 
the  lillies  of  the  field,  or  whatever  that  well- 
[215] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


known  idle  flower  was.  I  tried  to  listen  at  least 
as  politely  as  is  ever  required  of  a  daughter  to 
her  mother,  but  when  I  was  trying  to  figure 
out  my  answer  to  question  No.  5  and  getting 
real  mad  over  its  personalness,  I  couldn't  stand 
to  hear  her  complain  over  not  being  able  to 
crochet  them  terrible  mats  she  makes  which 
are  not  fit  for  anything  except  Xmas  presents, 
anyways. 

"The  trouble  with  you,  Ma,"  I  snapped  at 
last,  "is  that  you  aught  to  get  a  live-wire  out- 
side interest.  You're  getting  out  of  date. 
Ladies  don't  crochet  no  more  and  even  knitting 
has  been  dished  by  the  armistice.  You  never 
read  a  newspaper  or  a  book.  You  should  go 
in  for  something  snappy  and  up  to  the  mo- 
ment like  literature  or  jobs  for  soldiers,  or 
business,  or  something." 

This  got  Ma's  goat  right  off,  like  I  hoped  it 
would. 

"Oh,  so  I'm  on  the  shelf,  am  I?"  she  says, 
"well,  leave  me  tell  you  Mary  Gilligan,  if  it 
wasn't  for  us  back  numbers  you  new  numbers 
wouldn't  even  be  here,  don't  forget  that!  And 
after  having  been  the  first  American  lady  to 
do  the  double  backward  leap  on  the  two  center 
trapeses,  I  can  hardly  be  called  a  dead  one. 
[216] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


even  if  a  little  heavier  than  I  was.  And 
from  that  time  on  I  have  never  ceased  to  be 
forward." 

"You'd  have  to  show  me,"  I  says,  grimly. 

"All  right,  I  will,"  she  says. 

And  believe  you  me,  she  did.  She  went  and 
got  on  her  dolman  and  her  spring  hat  and  left 
me  in  wrath  and  the  midst  of  that  income  tax 
with  that  "I'll  never  come  back"  air  so  familiar 
to  all  well-regulated  families. 

Well,  as  I  sat  there  struggling  over  where 
to  put  the  X  and  =  marks,  and  how  much  ex- 
emption could  I  get  away  with  and  still  be  on 
speaking  terms  with  myself,  and  wondering 
whether  the  two  fool  dogs  was  dependents  or 
not — which  they  aught  to  be,  seeing  how  help- 
less they  are  and  a  big  expense  and  Gawd 
knows  I  keep  them  only  for  appearences  and 
they  aught  to  come  under  the  head  of  profes- 
sional expenditures,  because  no  well-known 
actress  but  has  them  to  help  out  the  scenery — 
well  anyways,  I  was  deep  in  this  highly  high- 
brow occupation  in  the  comparatively  perfect 
silence  of  my  exclusive  flat  where  ordinarily 
we  don't  hear  a  thing  but  the  neighbors'  pianola 
and  the  dumb-waiter  and  the  auto  horns  on  the 
drive  and  the  train  just  beyond — well,  this 
[217] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


comparatively  for  New  York,  perfect  silence 
was  broke  by  an  awful  yell  in  the  apartment 
itself. 

"Anarchy!"  a  terrible  voice  hollered.  And 
then  again  "Anarchy!  Anarchy!" 

Believe  you  me,  my  blood  turned  to  lemon 
soda  for  a  moment  and  the  boys  in  the  trenches 
never  had  worse  crawling  down  the  back  than 
me  at  that  minute,  coming  as  it  did  right  on 
top  of  me,  writing  in  opposite  to  B.  income 
from  salaries — you  know — $0000.00.  The  si- 
lence which  followed  was  even  worse.  And  I 
sat  there  sort  of  frozen  while  expecting  a  bomb 
would  go  off  any  minute,  and  Gawd  knows 
sixty  thousand  is  a  lot  of  money,  but  any  one 
which  investigated  the  true  facts  could  quickly 
see  that  I  earn  every  cent  of  it  and  anyway:, 
brains  has  a  riq;ht  to  the  bi^r^er  share,  not  to 
mention  ability,  and  if  the  way  I  worked  my- 
self up  from  the  lower  classes  ain't  proof  of 
what  can  be  done  single-handed  in  America,  I 
don't  know  what  is,  and  anybody  which  works 
as  hard  and  lives  as  decent  as  I  done  can  do  the 
same,  not  that  I  want  to  hand  myself  anything 
extra,  only  speaking  personally,  I  am  in  a  po- 
sition to  know. 

But  just  the  same  I  wasn't  reasoning  at  the 
[218] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


minute  and  the  justice,  as  you  might  say,  of  my 
case  didn't  occur  to  me  until  later.  As  I  sat 
there  trying  to  remember  to  think,  the  voice 
yells  it  again,  only  this  time  with  additions. 

"Anarchy!  Love  Anarchy!  Pretzel!" 

And  then  I  realised  it  was  that  parrot  be- 
longing to  the  new  cook. 

Can  you  imagine  my  feelings  on  top  of  my 
suspicions  of  her?  You  can!  I  got  up  and 
went  into  the  kitchen  to  see  if  a  bomb  was  ma- 
be  being  prepared  for  our  dinner,  but  not  at 
all.  The  kitchen  was  scrubbed  to  the  last  tile, 
something  that  smelled  simply  grand  was  bak- 
ing, the  white  hyacinths  was  in  the  sun  on  the 
window-sill,  and  Anna  was  humming  under  her 
breath  while  she  rolled  out  biscuit-dough.  The 
radical  parrot  was  shut  up,  but  only  as  to 
mouth,  he  being  loose  and  walking  about  the 
top  of  the  clothes-wringer,  making  himself  very 
much  at  home,  and  giving  me  some  evil  look  as 
I  come  in. 

"Aren't  you  afraid  he'll  get  away?"  I  says. 

"Hull?"  says  Anna,  stopping  rolling,  and 
blinking  at  me. 

"Lose  him — parrot !"  I  says,  pointing  to 

him  and  flapping  my  arms  like  wings. 

"Frits?"  she  said.*  "Xa— Frits  like  liberty!" 
[219] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


And  that  was  all  I  could  get  out  of  her.  I 
stuck  around  for  a  few  minutes  more,  until 
Anna  commenced  to  give  me  the  cook's-eye, 
that  bird  backing  her  up  and  sneering  at  me 
while  dancing  slowly  on  the  wringer,  but  not 
moving  a  step.  So  I  got  out  and  back  to  the 
parlor  but  not  to  my  work  which  Gawd  knows 
I  had  to  take  it  over  to  the  bank  and  leave  them 
do  it  for  me  after  all — but  sat  down  instead  to 
consider  them  two  suspicious  birds  in  the  back 
part  of  the  flat.  I  personally  myself  was  con- 
vinced that  there  was  something  very  wrong 
about  Anna.  But  so  far  she  had  said  nothing 
under  the  espionage  law  exactly  and  I  didn't 
know  could  you  arrest  a  bird  for  too  much  lib- 
erty of  speech  even  though  it  loved  anarchy, 
and  liberty  and  everything  and  was  undoubt- 
edly capable  of  spreading  propaganda  what 
with  the  voice  it  had. 

Well  anyways,  as  I  was  holding  my  mar- 
celle  wave  with  both  hands  and  racking  what 
little  was  underneath  it  over  the  situation,  I 
heard  the  key  in  the  lock  and  in  come  Ma  all 
flushed  and  cheerful  and  pleased  with  herself 
and  handed  me  another  j  olt. 

"I  had  a  real  sweet,  pleasant  morning,"  she 
says,  taking  off  her  gloves  and  hat  and  wip- 
[220] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


ing  her  face  with  one  of  them  big  handker- 
chiefs like  she  used  to  carry  in  the  circns  and 
will  not  give  up.  "A  real  nice  time,"  she  says, 
egging  me  on  to  question  her. 

"Where  have  you  been?"  I  says,  like  she 
wanted  me  to. 

"Oh,  just  to  a  little  Bolsheviki  meeting," 
she  says,  casual.  And  picking  up  her  things 
she  started  for  her  room. 

"Hold  on,  Ma!"  I  says,  having  managed  to 
get  my  breath  before  she  reached  the  door. 
"Say  that  again,  will  you?" 

She  turned  and  come  back  at  that,  still  keep- 
ing up  the  careless  stuff. 

"Certainly,"  she  says,  "Bolsheviki  meeting. 
Are  you  interested  in  this  up-to-date  stuff?" 

"Interested!"  I  says.  "Of  course  I  am.  I'm 
against  it.  Why  Ma  Gilligan!"  I  says.  "Do 
you  know  what  Bolshevism  is?" 

"Do  you?"  says  Ma,  sweetly. 

"]\To!"  says  I.  "And  neither  do  they.  But 
I  am  sure  it's  the  bunk,  and  I  feel  it's  wrong, 
and  I  am  ashamed  of  you  going!" 

"How  old-fashioned  of  you,  dearie,"  says 
Ma.  "Have  you  ever  heard  a  speaker  or  been 
to  a  meeting?" 

[221] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


"I  don't  need  to!"  I  says  short,  being  kind 
of  at  a  loss. 

"Well,  I  have !"  says  Ma,  triumphant. 

"Where  was  it  at  ?"  I  demanded. 

"Down  to  the  circus,"  says  Ma.  "In  the 
Bear-wrestler's  dressing  room.  I  went  to  call 
on  some  of  the  folks  and  get  the  news  and  Ma- 
dame Jones,  the  new  automobile  act — very  dis- 
tinguished lady — got  me  to  it.  A  most  exclu- 
sive affair,  witli  only  the  highest  priced  acts 
invited!" 

"xVnd  who  spoke?"  I  says. 

"KiskofT,  the  bear-wrestler,"  says  Ma.  "It 
certainly  was  interesting." 

"What  did  he  say?"  I  says,  it  getting  harder 
and  harder  to  remember  I  was  a  lady  and  she 
my  only  mother.     "What  did  he  say?" 
I  ciunno!     says  Ma. 

"You  don't  know!"  I  fairly  yells.  "And 
why  don't  you  know?" 

"Because  he  only  talks  Russian!"  says  Ma, 
and  walked  out,  leaving  me  fiat. 

Well,  believe  you  me,  I  was  that  upset  I 

scarcely  took  any  notice  of  my  lunch,  although 

it  was  a  real  nice  meal,  commencing  with  some 

juicy  kind  of  fish  and  eggs  and  ending  up  with 

[222] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


pancakes  rolled  up  and  filled  with  cream  curds 
and  powdered  sugar. 

Ma  took  to  these  eats  immensely,  and  she 
and  Anna  exchanged  a  couple  of  smiles,  which 
made  me  feel  like  the  only  living  American. 
And  when  later  in  the  day  Ma  told  me  she 
thought  she'd  join  the  Bolshevists  if  she  didn't 
have  to  be  immersed,  and  that  this  Kiskoff's 
life  was  in  danger  for  his  beliefs  just  like  the 
early  Romans  and  nobody  knew  where  he  lived, 
but  was  a  man  of  mystery,  I  couldn't  stand  it 
another  moment,  but  beat  it  for  a  long  walk 
by  myself  because  my  nerves  was  sure  on  edge 
and  that  aeroplane  stunt  facing  me  next  week. 

But  the  walk  wasn't  altogether  pleasant, 
at  least  not  at  the  start  or  at  the  finish,  be- 
cause when  I  come  out  of  our  palatial  near- 
marble  front  stoop,  there  was  a  guy  standing 
which  might  just  as  well  of  had  on  the  brass- 
buttons  and  all  because  you  could  tell  at  once 
by  the  disguise  that  he  was  a  plain-clothes  cop. 
]STot  that  I  am  so  familiar  with  them,  but  their 
clothes  is  generally  so  plain  any  one  could  tell 
them.    Do  you  get  me?    You  do! 

Well  anyways,  this  bird  was  standing  oppo- 
site our  door,  and  at  the  second  glance  I  had 
him  spotted  or  nearly  so,  and  when  I  come 
[223] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


back  from  walking  fast  and  wishing  to  Gawd 
Jim  was  back  to  advise  me  and  occupying  our 
flat  instead  of  Germany,  the  fly-cop  was  still 
there  by  which  I  became  certain  he  was  one; 
the  more  so  as  I  watched  him  from  a  window 
once  I  was  in,  and  the  way  he  kept  camouflag- 
ing himself  as  a  casual  passer-by,  ended  my 
doubts. 

Well,  was  that  some  situation?  It  was! 
Here  was  myself,  a  good  American  though  but 
an  ignorant  woman,  surrounded  by  all  the  ter- 
rible and  disturbing  elements  of  the  day ;  with 
everything  which  aught  to  be  kept  out  of  every 
U.  S.  A.  home  creeping  into  mine,  and  all  so 
sudden  that  I  hadn't  got  my  breath  yet  much 
less  any  action.  In  fact,  I  was  sort  of  dizzy 
with  what  was  happening,  and  my  head  didn't 
quiet  down  any  when,  after  dinner  that  night, 
I  heard  deep  voices  out  in  back. 

"Anna  has  company!"  says  Ma  in  explana- 
tion. "Two  of  them,  and  I  think  they  are 
talking  Russian.  At  any  rate  one  has  a  beard 
almost  as  handsome  as  Mr.  Kiskoff  s." 

This  got  my  angora,  and  while  no  lady  would 
ever  spy  on  her  cook,  this  was  surely  a  excep- 
tion and  so  I  took  a  quiet  peek  in  through  the 
pantry  slide  and  there  was  Anna  and  two  big 
[224] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


he-men  all  talking  at  once.  The  window  was 
open  a  little  ways  from  the  top  and  on  it  was 
Frits,  also  talking  in  Russian  or  something, 
and  no  earthly  reason  why  he  couldn't  take  his 
liberty  and  go  right  out  if  he  had  really  wanted 
it.  And  still  another  jolt  was  handed  me  when 
I  realised  one  of  the  men  was  our  very  own 
ice-man ! 

Believe  you  me,  when  I  went  to  bed  that 
night  in  my  grey  French  enameled  Empire 
style  I  was  wore  out  with  the  series  of  jolts 
which  the  day  has  handed  me.  But  it  is  not 
my  custom  to  sit  back  and  talk  things  over  too 
long.  I  have  ever  noticed  that  the  person  which 
talks  too  much  seldom  does  a  whole  lot,  and 
that  a  quick  decision  if  wrong,  at  least  learns 
you  something,  and  you  can  start  again  on  the 
right  track.  And  no  later  than  the  next  day 
after  a  funny,  though  good  breakfast,  of  cof- 
fee and  new  bread  with  cinnamon  and  sugar 
baked  into  it  and  herrings  in  cream,  I  com- 
menced to  act. 

"Ma,  are  you  going  to  keep  up  this  Bolshe- 
vist bull?"  I  says. 

"I  am!"  she  says.  "You  told  me  to  do  some- 
thing modern  and  I'm  doing  the  very  modern- 
est  thing  there  is !" 

[225] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


"You  are  going  to  be  wrong  on  that  by  this 
P.  M.,"  I  says,  "or  to-morrow  at  latest,"  I 
says,  "because  there  is  or  aught  to  be  some- 
thing moderner,  and  that  is  United  American- 
ism !"  I  says.  "And  since  the  only  way  to  fight 
fire  is  with  it,  I  am  going  to  start  a  rival  or- 
ganization and  start  it  quick!"  I  says,  "and 
I'm  going  to  do  it  on  a  sounder  basis  than  your 
people  ever  dreamed  of  because  we'll  all  talk 
English  so's  we'll  each  of  us  know  what  the  or- 
ganization is  about !" 

"Why  Marie  La  Tour!"  says  Ma,  which  it's 
a  fact  she  only  calls  me  that  when  she's  sore  at 
me.  "Why.  Marie  La  Tour,  what  is  your  or- 
ganization going  to  do?" 

"I  don't  know  yet  beyond  one  thing,"  I  says, 
"we  are  going  to  get  together  and  keep  to- 
gether!" 

And  so,  without  waiting  for  a  come-back  or 
any  embarrassing  questions,  I  hustled  into  a 
simple  little  grey  satin  Trotteur  costume  which 
is  French  for  pony-clothes  and  left  that  home- 
full  of  heavy-weight  traitors  where  a  radical 
parrot  yelled  "Anarchy"  from  morning  till 
night,  and  even  the  steam  radiators  had  com- 
menced to  smell  like  dynimite.  And  having 
shut  the  door  after  me  with  quite  some  explo- 
[226] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


sion  myself,  I  had  the  limousine  headed  to  the 
White  Kittens  Annual  Ball  Assn.,  which  I  was 
due  at  it  on  account  of  all  the  most  prominent 
ladies  in  picture  and  theatrical  circles  being  on 
the  committee  and  I  naturally  being  indes- 
pensible  if  only  for  the  value  of  my  name.  So 
I  started  off  but  not  before  I  noticed  that  the 
same  plain-clothes  John  was  again  perched  op- 
posite my  front  door. 

in 

All  the  way  to  the  Palatial  Hotel  which  the 
meeting  is  always  held  in  the  grand  ball  room 
of,  I  kept  getting  more  and  more  worked  up. 
Things  had  certainly  gone  too  far  when  Bol- 
shevism had  spread  from  the  parlor  to  the 
kitchen  or  visa-versa,  I  didn't  know  which,  and 
my  own  Ma  being  undoubtedly  watched  by 
the  more  or  less  Secret  Service,  all  because  of 
her  having  taken  a  fancy  to  them  whiskers  of 
this  Kiskoff  cockoo,  which  is  the  only  explana- 
tion I  could  make  of  it,  and  after  being  a  widow 
twenty  years  she  aught  to  of  been  ashamed  of 
herself.  Still,  it  was  a  better  explanation  for 
her  to  of  lost  her  head  than  her  patriotism, 
and  I  tried  to  think  this  the  case.  And  my  own 
[227] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


position  was  something  to  bring  tears  to  a 
glass  eye,  what  with  my  well-known  war-work 
and  a  perfectly  good  husband  still  in  the 
service.  And  I  had  made  a  threat  to  take  ac- 
tion, and  had  no  idea  what  it  would  be,  only 
that  now  I  certainly  had  to  deliver  the  goods. 

Weil  anyways,  in  despair  and  the  limousine, 
I  finally  arrived  at  the  Palatial  and  there  in 
the  lobby  was  several  other  White  Kittens 
which  were  also  late,  so  we  give  each  other's 
clothes  the  once-over  and  asked  after  our 
healths  and  etc.,  and  then  hurried  up  in  the 
elevator  to  where  the  meeting  had  already  com- 
menced. 

Believe  you  me,  my  mind  stuck  to  that  meet- 
ing about  as  good  as  a  W.S.S.  which  has  been 
in  your  purse  a  month  does  when  you  find  your 
card.  The  room  was  as  full  as  could  be  with 
the  biggest  crowd  I  ever  knew  to  turn  out  for 
it.  But  somehow  while  I  am  generally  pretty 
well  interested  in  any  crowd,  this  time  nothing 
seemed  to  register  except  my  own  thoughts. 
Even  the  chairlady  couldn't  hold  my  attention 
partially  because  she  was  Ruby  Iloselle,  and 
what  they  wanted  to  elect  that  woman  for  I 
don't  know  because  her  head  is  certainly  not 
the  part  of  her  which  earned  her  theatrical 
[228] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


reputation  and  a  handsome  back  is  no  disgrace 
and  if  that  and  a  handful  of  costume  is  art  far 
be  it  from  me  to  say  anything :  but  it  is  neither 
refinement  nor  does  it  make  a  good  executor 
for  a  live  organization  like  the  Kittens.  And 
what  is  more,  any  woman  which  had  her  nose 
changed  from  Jewish  to  Greek  right  in  the 
middle  of  a  big  feature  flllum  can't  run  any 
society  to  suit  me,  not  to  mention  the  fact  that 
as  I  sat  there  watching  her  talk  I  come  slowly 
to  realize  that  she  had  several  jewels  and  a  cou- 
ple of  friends  which  was  found  to  be  pro-Ger- 
mans and  been  interned,  although  nothing  was 
ever  proved  onto  Ruby  herself. 

Still,  coming  on  top  of  what  I  had  been  go- 
ing through  the  last  couple  of  days,  I  took  a 
sudden  suspicion  of  her  being  lady-chairman 
to  one  of  America's  oldest  organizations  of  the 
female  gender,  it  having  been  formed  'way 
back  in  1911.  And  what  is  furthermore,  as  I 
sat  there  hating  her  with  her  synthetic  Chris- 
tian nose  and  her  genuine  Jewish  diamonds, 
the  big  idea  come  at  last — a  way  to  at  once  get 
something  started  before  she  did,  because  how 
did  I  know  but  she'd  have  the  orchestra  play 
"die  Watch  on  Rinewine,"  and  feed  us  on 
weenies  and  pumpernickle  for  supper  at  the 
[229] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


ball  if  something  radical  wasn't  done  at  once? 
That  is,  I  mean  radical  in  the  right  sense,  of 
course.  So  when  she  says  "Any  other  re- 
marks?" I  jumped  to  my  feet  quick  before  she 
could  say  "the  meeting  is  in  joined." 

"Yes,  Miss  Ruby  Schwartz  Roselle,  there 
is,"  I  said.  "I  will  be  obliged  to  have  the  floor 
a  minute." 

"You  can  have  it  for  all  of  me,  dearie,"  says 
Ruby,  sweetly,  as  she  recognized  her  enemy. 
"Miss  Marie  La  Tour  has  the  floor." 

And  then  without  hardly  knowing  what  I 
was  doing  and  forgetting  even  to  feel  did  my 
nose  need  powder  before  I  commenced,  I  be- 
gan talking  with  something  fluttering  inside 
me  like  a  bird's  wing.  You  know — a  feeling 
like  a  trv-out  before  a  biff-time  manager.  But 
behind  the  scare,  the  strength  of  knowing  you 
can  deliver  the  goods. 

"Ladies  and  fellow  or,  I  should  say,  sister- 
Kittens!"  I  commenced.  "There  was  a  time 
when  the  well-known  words  'Now  is  the  time 
for  all  good  men  to  come  to  the  aid  of  the 
party'  so  thrilled  America  that  it  has  become 
not  alone  printed  in  all  copy  books,  but  is  the 
first  sentence  which  is  learned  by  every  type- 
writer. But  since  then  times  have  changed 
[230] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


until,  believe  you  me,  now  is  the  time  for  all 
good  parties  to  come  to  the  aid  of  the  nation 
in  order  to  show  all  which  are  not  Americans 
first  just  where  they  get  off,  and  ladies,  we 
here  assembled  are  a  party  not  to  be  scorned, 
what  with  a  sustaining  membership  of  over  five 
hundred,  and  more  than  a  thousand  one-dollar 
members.  And  what  is  more,  though  ad- 
mittedly mere  females  we  have  a  vote  in  most 
places  now,  including  this  state,  and  while  I 
have  no  doubt  you  have  always  intended  to  be 
good  citizens,  having  the  vote  you  are  now 
obliged  to  be  so." 

There  was  quite  a  little  clapping  at  this,  so 
I  was  encouraged  to  go  on,  although  Ruby's 
voice  says  "Out  of  Order!"  twice.  Well,  I 
couldn't  see  anybody  that  was  behaving  dis- 
orderly, so  I  just  went  ahead  with  my  idea. 

"And  so  my  idea  is  this,"  I  says.  "That  all 
Americans,  whether  lady  or  gentleman  citizens, 
should  get  together  in  one  big  association  for 
U.  S.  A.  Actually  get  together  instead  of 
leaving  things  be.  An  association  is,  as  I 
understand  it,  intended  for  purposes  of  asso- 
ciation. And  why  not  simply  associate  each 
association  with  every  other,  canning  all  small 
private  schemes  and  party  interests  on  the  one 
[231] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


grand  common  interest  of  Bolsheviking  the 
Bolsheviks?  I'm  sure  that  if  all  parties  con- 
cerned will  forget  they  are  Democrats  or  Re- 
publicans or  Methodists  or  Suffragists — even 
whether  they  are  ladies  or  gentlemen,  and  re- 
member they  are  Americans,  nothing  can  ever 
rough-house  this  country  like  Europe  has  been 
in  several  places,  for  in  Union  is  Strength,  in 
God  we  Trust,  but  He  helps  those  who  helps 
themselves,  and  if  we'll  only  drop  our  self- 
interests  and  make  the  union  our  first  idea,  God 
help  the  foreigners  which  tries  to  help  them- 
selves to  our  dear  country!" 

By  this  time  the  girls  was  giving  ue  a  hand 
the  like  of  which  I  never  had  before  on  stage 
or  screen,  because  their  hearts  were  in  them. 
Do  you  get  me?  You  do!  And  it  was  quite 
a  spell  before  Ruby  could  get  order,  although 
she  kept  pounding  with  the  silver  cat/s-paw  of 
her  ofnce.  Finally,  when  she  could  make  her- 
self heard,  she  says  very  sarcastic, 

"And  how  does  Miss  La  Tour  suggest  we 
commence?"  she  says. 

"By  unanimously  voting  ourselfs  'The 
White  Kittens  Patriotic  Association  of  Amer- 
ica,' "  I  says  at  once.  "Call  a  extra  meeting 
to  change  the  constitution  temporarily  from 
[232] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


annual  Balls  and  festivals  for  the  benefit  of 
indignant  members,  to  a  association  for  as- 
sociating with  other  associations  as  before  sug- 
gested. Use  part  of  the  money  from  the  ball 
just  arranged  for,  to  advertise  our  idea  in 
newspapers  and  billboards,  and  believe  you  me, 
by  the  tmie  we  ladies  get  that  far,  some  gentle- 
man's association  will  be  on  the  job  to  show 
us  a  practical  way  to  use  ourselves!" 

Well,  the  Kittens  seemed  to  think  this  all 
right,  too,  and  in  spite  of  Ruby,  the  next  meet- 
ing was  called  and  we  broke  up  in  high  excite- 
ment, and  I  was  surrounded  by  admiring 
friends  ail  anxious  to  tell  me  they  felt  the  same 
as  me,  ami  so  forth  and  etc.  And  finally,  after 
I  had  been  treated  to  lunch  by  several  of  them, 
not  including  Ruby,  I  collapsed  into  my  lim- 
ousine, and  said  home  James,  and  set  my  face 
flat-ware?  with  a  brave  heart  which  knew  no 
fear  on  account  of  having  accomplished  some- 
thing worth  while.  Even  the  sight  of  the  ob- 
trusively unobtrusive  bull  still  waiting  like  the 
wolf  at  the  door,  didn't  dampen  my  spirit. 

And  it  was  not  until  I  got  upstairs  that  I 

commenced  realizing  that  my  own  home  would 

be  the  first  place  to  set  in  order,  and  how  could 

I  be  a  great  American  female  leader  with  a 

[233] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Bolshevist  mother  and  a  German  cook,  and 
how  could  I  preach  a  thing  with  one  hand  and 
not  practice  it  with  the  other?  Of  course,  I 
could  fire  the  cook,  but  how  about  Ma?  It 
was  she  herself  settled  that  part  of  it  the  mo- 
ment I  stepped  into  the  parlor,  for  there  she 
was  all  alone  except  for  the  two  dogs,  and 
what  was  more,  all  of  a  heap,  beside. 

"Well,  thank  goodness,  you  decided  to  come 
home,  Mary  Gilligan!"  she  says.  "Something 
awful  has  happened !" 

"Not  Jim?"  I  gasps,  my  heart  nearly  stop- 
ping, for  he  is  always  the  first  thing  I  think 
of. 

"Jim,  nothing!"  says  Ma.  "It's  poor  Kis- 
koff!" 

"Oh,  him!"  I  says,  relieved.    "What  of  it?" 

"They  arrested  him  this  morning!"  says  Ma, 
all  broken  up,  the  poor  fish!  "Arrested  him 
just  before  the  meeting!" 

"Good!"  I  says.  "I  knew  they  would.  The 
hound,  he  couldn't  go  around  forever  talking 
Bolshevism!" 

"It  wasn't  for  that,"  says  Ma. 

"Then  for  what?"  I  says,  blankly. 

"For  back  alimony!"  says  Ma,  almost  in 
tears.  "It  seems  he  married  a  girl  out  in  Kan- 
[234] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


sas  several  years  ago,  and  they  parted  when 
the  circus  left,  and  it  wasn't  Russian  he  was 
talking,  but  Yiddish!  He  speaks  English  as 
well  as  me." 

"And  I  suppose  you'll  tell  me  next  that  he 
wasn't  talking  Bolshevism,"  says  I. 

"He  wasn't — he  was  only  asking  them  to 
join  the  circus-workers'  union  I^ocal  21 — " 
says  Ma.     "He  explained  it  all  to  the  cops!" 

"Ma!"  I  demanded  solemnly,  a  light  coming 
over  me.  "31a,  have  you  honestly  got  any  idea 
what  this  Bolshevism  is?    Come  on,  own  up!" 

"Certainly!"  she  says.  "It's  something  like 
Spiritualism  or  devil-worship,  ain't  it?  A  sort 
of  fancy  religion!" 

"Nothing  so  respectable!"  I  says  very  sharp, 
yet  awful  relieved  that  I  had  guessed  the  truth. 
"No  such  thing.  Bolshevism  is  Russian  for 
sore-head.  Religion  my  eye!  It's  about  as 
much  a  religion  as  small-pox  is!" 

Oh!  the  handicap  of  having  no  education! 
I  certainly  felt  sorry  for  Ma.  But  I  needn't 
of  because  she  give  me  one  of  them  looks  of 
hers  which  always  turns  my  dress  to  plaid  cali- 
co and  pulls  my  hair  down  my  back  again. 

"Well,  daughter,  why  didn't  you  say  so  in 
the  first  place?"  she  says,  just  as  if  she'd  caught 
[235] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


me  in  a  lie.  But  I  let  it  pass  and  apologized, 
I  was  so  glad  to  find  she  was  a  fake.  And  Ma 
promised  to  leave  them  low  circus  people  alone 
for  a  spell  and  come  back  to  the  White  Kit- 
tens again.  I  then  announced  I  was  going  out 
and  fire  Anna.  At  that  a  look  of  terror  came 
over  Ma's  face,  and  she  restrained  me  by  the 
sleeve. 

"Be  careful  how  you  go  near  that  kitchen!" 
she  says  warningly. 

"For  heaven's  sakes,  Ma!"  I  says.  "What's 
wronger  than  usual  out  there?" 

"I  dunno,  but  I  think  something  is!"  she 
says.    "I  believe  it's  a  bomb!" 

"A  bomb!"  I  says.     "Whatter  you  mean?" 

"Anna  is  out  to  market,"  says  Ma,  "and 
the  one  with  the  black  beard  like  poor  Kis- 
koff's  brought  it.  'For  Anna,'  says  lie,  and 
shoved  it  at  me,  and  snook  off  down  the  stairs 
like  a  murderer." 

"Brought  what?"  I  says. 

"The  bomb,  of  course!"  says  Ma,  impa- 
tient herself. 

"How  do  you  know  it's  one?"  I  says,  a  lit- 
tle uneasy  and  wishing  I  had  fired  Anna  be- 
fore she  got  this  swell  chance  of  firing  us. 

"Well,  it  looks  just  like  the  one  in  the  pic- 
[230] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


ture  where  them  three  Germans  blew  their- 
selves  up  in  the  newspaper!"  says  she.  "And 
it  ticks." 

"My  Gawd!"  I  says.    "Where  is  the  thing?" 

"On  the  kitchen-table,"  says  Ma. 

"Well,"  I  says,  bravely.  "I  think  I  aught 
to  take  a  look  at  it  anyways." 

"I  wished  you  wouldn't,"  says  she.  But 
she  came  down  the  hall  after  me  like  the  loyal 
mother  she  is,  and  the  two  of  us  stopped  at  the 
thresh'hold  as  the  poet  says. 

And  there,  sure  enough,  in  the  middle  of 
the  spotless  oilcloth  on  the  kitchen  table  lay 
a  mighty  funny  looking  package,  about  the 
size  of  a  dish-pan  and  done  up  in  that  black 
oil-cloth  them  foreigners  seem  so  fond  of. 
And  between  yells  from  that  radical  parrot, 
who  commenced  his  "I  love  Anarchy!"  the 
moment  he  set  eyes  on  us,  we  could  hear  that 
evil-looking  package  tick  as  plain  as  day. 

Well,  what  with  a  mother  and  a  father  both 
practically  born  on  the  centre  trapese  and  used 
myself  to  taking  chances  since  early  childhood, 
I  don't  believe  I'm  more  of  a  coward  than  most. 
But  I  will  admit  my  heart  commenced  going 
too  quick  at  that  sight  and  the  radical  bird 
was  as  usual  loose  in  the  place,  and  didn't  make 
[237] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


my  nerves  any  easier.  But  a  stitch  in  time 
often  saves  a  whole  pair  of  silk  ones,  and  re- 
membering this,  I  took  some  quick  action.  I 
turned  up  my  georgette  crepe  sleeves,  and  the 
front  of  my  skirt  so's  not  to  splash  it,  and  made 
straight  for  the  sink,  keeping  my  eye  on  the 
centre-table  all  the  while. 

"Look  out!"  screams  Ma.  "What  are  you 
going  to  do?" 

"Throw  cold  water  on  it!"  I  says.  And 
filling  the  dish-pan  I  took  a  long  sling  with 
it,  and  pretty  near  drowned  the  kitchen  table, 
to  say  nothing  of  the  scare  I  threw  into  Frits. 
As  soon  as  he  quit,  we  listened  again,  but 
my  efforts  had  been  in  vain,  for  the  thing 
was  still  ticking — slow,  loud  ticks,  and  very 
alarming. 

"No  good!"  I  says,  sadly.  "We'll  have  to 
take  severer  measures!" 

"Well,  what'll  they  be?"  says  Ma. 

"There's  a  plain-clothes  cop  outside  look- 
ing for  trouble,"  says  I  grimly,  "and  here  is 
where  I  hand  him  a  little,"  3avs  I. 

And  then,  without  waiting  3»  en  to  roll  down 

the  georgettes,  I  hurried  to  the  window  and 

looked  out.     Like  most  cops,  he  couldn't  be 

seen  at  first  when  wanted,  but  finally  he  came 

[238] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


into  view  and  I  tried  to  catch  his  attention, 
but  was  unable  to  at  first.  But  finally  he 
heard  me  and  looked  up,  and  I  beckoned. 

"Bomb!"  I  says.    "Hurry  up!" 

And  did  he  hurry?  He  did!  I  would  not 
of  believed  a  man  his  size  could  do  it,  but  he 
must  of  beat  the  elevator,  for  it  never  brought 
me  up  that  fast.  When  I  let  him  in,  his  lack 
of  surprise  was  the  most  alarming  thing  which 
had  yet  been  pulled.  He  evidently  expected 
a  bomb  to  be  here. 

"By  golly,  we'll  get  them  now!"  he  says 
triumphantly.  "We  been  watching  this  place 
for  two  months  on  account  of  having  it 
straight  that  there  is  a  bunch  of  Bolshevist 
bomb  makers  in  this  building  or  the  next  one, 
and  this  is  the  first  time  anvthin^  has  stirred! 
Where  is  your  bomb?   Lead  me  to  it!" 


Well,  I  didn't  lead  him  exactly.  Since  he 
was  so  set  up  about  it,  I  let  him  go  ahead,  but 
Ma  and  me  followed  close  behind  and  told 
him  the  way  and  everything.  When  he  came 
to  the  kitchen  door  Frits  let  out  a  yell  "Anar- 
chy! I  love  Anarchy!"  and  you  aught  to  of 
[239] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


seen  the  cop  stagger  in  his  tracks  for  a  minute. 
But  he  came  to  immediate,  and  we  all  stood 
at  attention  while  he  give  that  bundle  the  once- 
over.   It  was  ticking  away  as  strong  as  ever. 

"Hey!  get  me  a  pail  of  water,  quick!"  says 
the  cop.  I  did  it,  and  then,  I  will  certainly 
give  him  credit  for  it,  he  grabbed  up  the  bun- 
dle and  plunged  it  in  with  both  hands  just  as 
Anna  come  in  at  the  door. 

Believe  you  me,  I  never  saw  anything  so 
funny  as  what  happened  then.  The  cop  took 
his  hands  out  the  water  and  stood  there  drip- 
ping and  staring  at  her. 

"Hello,  Anna!"  he  says.  "What  you  doing 
here?" 

"Ay  bane  working  I"  says  Anna.  "How  you 
bane,  Mike?" 

"Pretty  good!"  he  says.  "But  kind  of  busy 
with  a  bomb  we  got  here.  Stand  off  while  I 
take  a  look.  It  has  quit  ticking  and  I  guess 
it's  drownded!" 

He  lifted  the  wet  bundle  out,  and  the  min- 
ute Anna  sees  it  she  set  up  a  yell  as  good  as 
one  of  her  pet  parrot's. 

"That  bane  mine!"  she  says,  making  a  grab 
for  it.    But  Mike  held  her  off. 
[240] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


"Yours,  eh?"  he  says,  severely.  "Yours! 
Well,  we'll  just  have  a  look  at  it,  my  girl!" 

With  which  he  undid  the  string,  unfolded  the 
oilcloth,  and  there  was  a  hig  new  alarm-clock 
with  the  price  still  on  it — 2  heans — and  a 
round,  heavy  cheese! 

"Bane  youst  a  present  from  may  feller!" 
says  Anna  coyly. 

Well,  did  we  feel  cheap?  We  did.  And 
in  addition  to  that  Mike,  the  smart  and  brave 
young  cop,  was  disappointed  something  terri- 
ble. 

"Who  is  this  Anna?"  I  asked  him  soon's  I 
got  my  breath. 

"Oh,  a  Swede  girl — I  know  her  a  long  time," 
he  says  foolishly.  "Used  to  entertain  me  in 
the  basement  when  I  was  on  the  regular  force. 
She's  some  cook!    You're  lucky  to  have  her." 

And  just  then  this  ex-pro-German  Bolshe- 
vist cook  we  was  so  lucky  to  have  starts  to  yell 
again ! 

"Frits!  Oy!  Frits!"  she  says.  "He  bane 
gone !    Make  un  y oump  back !" 

And  sure  enough,  there  was  Frits  on  the 
fire-escape  of  the  flat  next  to  us.  He  had  give 
one  hop  and  a  flutter  and  got  across,  where  he 
[241] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


sat,  silent  for  once  in  his  life  and  giving  us 
the  evil-eye. 

"Yoump  back,"  says  the  cook  in  passionate 
entiety.  "Yoump  back  to  your  Aniky  that 
you  love!  All  day  you  yell  you  love  may  an' 
now  you  leave  may !" 

And  as  she  said  them  words  still  another 
weight  was  lifted  from  my  shoulders,  al- 
though not  from  hers,  for  instead  of  jumping 
back,  that  radical  bird  which  it  seemed  was 
not  a  radical  after  all  and  acting  like  the  most 
conventional  parrot  in  the  world,  commenced 
to  climb  up  the  fire-escape  of  the  other  apart- 
ment house,  like  he  was  leaving  us  forever. 

"Yoump!"  implored  Anna,  but  he  just 
climbed,  instead. 

"Here,  wait,  and  I'll  get  him!"  says  Mike. 
"Glad  to  do  it,  Anna.  I  can  step  across  easy 
enough!" 

Anna  held  his  coat,  and  he  swung  hisself  over 
to  the  other  side  almost  as  neat  as  a  picture- 
actor,  and  commenced  following  that  mean- 
hearted  bird  up  and  up,  story  after  story,  un- 
til that  animal  led  him  in  at  a  open  window 
about  three  flats  above.  We  waited  in  silence 
and,  believe  you  me,  I  had  about  commenced 
to  believe  that  bird  and  he  was  never  coming 
[242] 


NOW  IS  THE  TIME 


out  again,  when  down  comes  Mike,  the  bird 
tucked  into  his  vest,  his  face  simply  purple 
with  excitement.  I  never  seen  any  acrobat 
work  swifter  or  quieter  than  he  did.  He  land- 
ed on  the  kitchen  floor  and  closed  the  window 
behind  him  before  he  even  give  Anna  her  bird. 

"The  telephone! — quick!  The  telephone — 
headquarters  at  once — I've  got  that  guy  this 
time  at  last!  And  to  think  that  a  damn  bird 
had  to  find  him  for  me!" 

And  it  was  the  truth.  Frits,  far  from  being 
an  alien,  was  a  good  little  American  parrot 
and  had  actually  led  the  cop  to  the  very  place 
he  had  been  looking  for  all  that  while,  and 
they  arrested  two  guys  and  everything! 

And  after  they  got  through  the  phone  rang 
and  there  was  Goldringer's  voice. 

"The  aeroplane  has  come,  Miss  La  Tour," 
he  says.     "When  will  you  be  over?" 

"First  thing  in  the  morning!"  I  says,  re- 
lieved to  think  of  a  quiet  day  ahead.  Ain't  it 
grand  to  have  work  you  love  to  do?  It's  so 
restful ! 


[243] 


VI 
THE  GLAD  HAND 


I  see  a  piece  in  the  paper  where  that  ex- 
leading  headline!*  of  the  old  German  Big-Time 
Circuit,  William  Hohenzollern,  him  that  used 
to  appear  in  the  spiritualistic  act  known  as 
"Me  and  God,"  claims  he  had  no  hand  in 
starling  those  fireworks  in  Europe  which  has 
recently  ended  in  a  Fourth  of  July  celebra- 
tion. And  although  myself  a  good  American 
and  looking  with  doubt  upon  any  statement 
known  to  he  German,  I  am  sort  of  inclined 
to  he] 'ere  him.  At  any  rate,  to  believe  that 
he  was  not  the  whole  cheese  in  the  matter,  but 
onlv  a  sort  of  limp  limber^er,  or  swiss,  and 
full  of  holes.  Because  its  my  experience  per- 
sonally myself,  that  a  strong  personality  with 
a  clean-cut  idea  can  usually  get  a  thing  done 
if  they  elect  thcirself  boss  and  stick  on  the 
job  until  it  is  finished,  but  if  they  call  a  com- 
[244] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


mittee  meeting  and  discuss  the  action  before 
them,  the  whole  idea  is  likely  to  get  stalled. 
Why,  look  at  Congress!  Not  that  I,  being 
a  mere  lady  of  the  female  sect,  know  why  or 
how  they  get  stalled,  or  on  just  what.  But 
it's  a  cinch  they  do  and  are,  and  you  can  prove 
it  by  any  editorial  page  in  the  country.  And 
it  seems  that  Billy  the  Bone-head,  confessed 
to  the  reporter,  which  managed  to  get  this 
Sunday  story  printed,  that  a  committee  meet- 
ing of  Yonkers  or  something  was  called  about 
the  war,  he,  Bill  the  Badman,  not  having  the 
bean  to  go  to  it  alone,  and  it  was  them  ruined 
the  war,  or  so  he  says.  Which  goes  to  show 
that  not  alone  in  the  theatrical  and  moving- 
picture  worlds  do  the  heads  of  departments 
alibi  their  flivvers,  but  also  in  the  King-busi- 
ness, and  it's  a  habit  which  may  even  yet  ruin 
the  former,  as  it  pretty  near  has  the  latter, 
unless  they  quit  shirking  and  deliver  better 
goods.  Because  if  the  Head  Has-Been  had 
had  any  real  thinker  and  had  thought  up  the 
war  all  by  his  little  self  and  forced  it  on  his 
book-keeper,  cashier  and  so  forth,  he  might  of 
got  away  with  it  like  Napoleon  and  liocke- 
feller  and  Eva  Tanguay  and  a  lot  of  them 
[245] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


which  has  thrust  riches  and  success  upon  their- 
selves. 

But  no  committee  can  ever  do  that  sort  of 
thing.  It  takes  a  single-handed  personality, 
and  I  guess  mabe  the  biggest  bluff  Germany 
has  had  to  confess  to  is  her  ex-leader.  He 
seems  the  A-l  example  of  how  true  it  is  that 
well-known  tailors'  ad,  "Clothes  make  the 
man."  Also  it  inspires  me  to  invent  a  quota- 
tion to  hang  beside  the  famous  one  of  Shake- 
speare's, I  think  it  is  "Do  it  now!"  which  you 
see  so  often,  mine  being  "Do  it  yourself!" 
Well,  you  will  if  you  are  the  able  one  on  a 
committee.  Everybody  which  has  served  on 
one  knows  that  every  committee  is  composed 
of  the  one  which  does  all  the  work  and  three  to 
six  others  which  uses  most  of  their  vitality  and 
imagination  in  thinking  up  excuses  and  offer- 
ing them. 

Well,  anyways,  the  foregoing  is  why  I  sim- 
ply eliminated  the  other  members  of  my 
Theatrical  Ladies'  Committee  of  AVelcome  to 
Our  Returning  Heroes.  And  eliminating 
them  was  so  simple,  too.  I  just  didn't  call  any 
committee.  And  why  would  I,  what  with  the 
knowledge  I  had  gained  through  former  ex- 
periences? Believe  you  me,  a  lady  which 
[246] 


THE  GLAD  HAM) 


learns  by  experience  is  a  great  little  time-saver, 
although  admittedly  rare,  but  in  my  line  you 
don't  fall  out  of  a  air-plane  more  than  once, 
and  any  successful  picture  actress  and  dancer 
like  myself  will  tell  you  the  same.  So  as  to 
committees,  none  for  me,  thanks  just  the  same, 
as  the  man  said  to  the  soda  clerk  the  morn- 
ing of  July  first,  1919  A.  D.,  which  is  Latin 
for  Anti-Dr inking.  Not  that  I  will  ever  again 
try  to  get  into  the  strong-character  class  with 
the  aforementioned  celebrities,  for  a  reputa- 
tion for  doing  anything  well  is  as  good  as  a 
signed  contract  to  do  it.  And  my  advice  to 
young  girls  is,  don't  let  it  be  known  you  can 
do  anything  well  or  you'll  have  to  deliver  con- 
stantly. Look  as  ignorant  as  possible  when- 
ever anything  is  suggested  except  the  thing 
you  are  burning  to  get  after,  or  your  time  will 
be  taken  up  with  a  lot  of  useless  side-lines  that 
get  you  nowheres.  There  is  a  person  for  every 
job  if  you  just  let  the  job  alone  until  the  right 
person  finds  it.  Did  you  ever  notice  the  way 
simps  which  can't  do  a  thing  always  get  it 
done  for  them?  You  have!  Well — from  this 
on,  here's  where  I  look  like  a  poor  fish  when- 
ever anybody  outside  of  a  motion-picture  mag- 
[247] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


nate  or  a  theatrical  manager  makes  a  noise 
like  work  to  be  done. 

All  the  amateur  stuff  can  be  takes  eare  of 
by  the  sweet  womanly  women  who  gun't  got 
anybody  to  support  except  their  dressmakers, 
and  not  by  a  mere  professional  earning  near 
a  hundred  thousand  a  year  like  I.  My  final 
lesson  on  working  with  volunteer  boards  and 
committees  is  a  un-wept  memory,  and  believe 
you  me,  that  Chateau  Terry  battle  had  noth- 
ing on  some  of  the  War  Relief  Committee 
board  rooms  I  seen  in  executive  session  and 
keep  the  home  fires  burning  is  right,  we  done 
it,  especially  the  White  Kittens  Belgian  Re- 
lief, which  it's  a  fact  we  nearly  split  over 
whether  we'd  print  our  postcard  appeals  on 
pink  or  yellow  cards ! 

Well,  anyways,  I  suppose  the.se  relief  com- 
mittees was  a  big  help  to  them  that  was  on 
them  if  not  to  any  one  else,  and  after  all  a  lot 
of  money  somehow  got  left  to  do  /.fori  with 
after  expenses  was  paid.  But  the  biggest  re- 
lief I  know  of  come  from  relieving  ourselfs 
of  them  relief  committees,  and  the  last  of  all 
was  the  Welcome  Home  one. 

I  wouldn't  of  gone  on  it  in  the  first  place 
[248] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


only  I  was  so  low  in  my  mind.  And  who 
wouldn't  be  a  little  low  even  with  my  cheery 
disposition  after  such  a  morning  as  I  went 
through,  first  commencing  with  the  loss  of 
Maude. 

Not  that  I  had  ever  liked  her  nor  'Frisco, 
her  husband,  either,  but  losing  her  was  worse 
than  living  with  her  any  day,  and  when  Ma 
come  in  and  broke  the  news  I  wasn't  in  any 
mood  for  it,  struggling  as  I  was  over  the  joint 
contract  which  Goldringer  had  just  sent  on 
from  Los  Angeles  as  a  nice  surprise  and  wel- 
come for  .:  im  which  we  were  expecting  to  hear 
he  would  be  leaving  France  any  day  now.  It 
called  for  seventy-five  thousand  per  each  of 
us  for  six  joint  pictures,  our  expenses  to  the 
coast,  and  I  was  holding  out  for  a  car  while 
there  and  a  special  publicity  man  of  our  own 
to  be  paid  by  them,  but  chosen  by  us,  mean- 
ing Rosco,  which  has  so  faithfully  let  the  pub- 
lic know  every  time  I  sneezed  these  last  five 
years  and  has  a  way  of  disguising  a  two  column 
ad  so's  Die  editor  thinks  it's  a  news  item. 

Well,  anyways,  I  was  reading  through  all 

that  foreign  language  portion  of  this  contract 

and  had  waded  past  about  a  page  of  "to  wit. 

viz.:  party  of  the  first  part"  stuff,  which  sounds 

[249] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


like  it  didn't  mean  anything,  but  is  where  they 
sometimes  slip  one  over  on  you,  when  in  come 
Ma  with  a  big  home-made  cruller  partly  in 
her  hand  and  partly  in  her  face.  She  was 
dreadfull  agitated  but  had  to  get  rid  of  the 
first  part  of  the  second  party  before  she  could 
speak,  and  I  put  in  a  few  seconds  of  watch- 
ful waiting,  wondering  how  could  she  do  it,  for 
Ma  had  put  on  at  least  thirty  lbs.  the  last  few 
months  and  believe  you  me,  she  was  no  slif 
before  then,  weighing  some  amount  she  would 
never  tell  just  what  and  anybody  knows  what 
that  means  with  a  woman.  But  up  to  just 
recent  she  had  gone  through  spells  where  she 
was  making  at  least  the  faint  motions  of  diet- 
ing, or  when  not  that,  sighing  and  saying  she 
hadn't  really  ought  to  over  every  second  help- 
ing but  taking  it.    Do  you  get  me?    You  do! 

Since  she  had  heard  Jim  was  coming  back, 
however,  she  had  taken  to  eating  everything 
in  sight  regardless.  It  give  me  real  pleasure 
to  think  of  any  mother-in-law  feeling  that  way 
about  her  daughter's  husband  and  dancing 
partner  coming  back,  for  with  many  mothers 
it  is  nothing  of  the  kind.  So  I  made  no  re- 
[250] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


marks  upon  the  cruller,  and  finally  Ma  give 
a  gulp  and  gasped  out  the  bad  news. 

"Maude  is  gone!"  she  says. 

"Gone?"  says  I.  "Whatter  you  mean, 
gone?" 

"I  can't  find  her  no  place !"  says  Ma.  "And 
I  looked  every wheres !" 

This  give  me  a  most  unpleasant  feeling  down 
my  back,  and  I  got  to  my  feet  in  a  hurry. 

"Are  you  sure  she  ain't  hid?"  I  says,  "like 
the  last  time,"  I  says. 

"Come  and  see  for  yourself!"  says  Ma,  and 
I  went,  you  can  bet  on  that !  And  sure  enough, 
she  wasn't  in  the  box.  Ma  lifted  the  wire  off 
the  top  and  lifted  out  the  two  old  sofa  cush- 
ions we  had  put  in  for  comfort  and  only 
Maude's  husband,  'Frisco,  was  there.  He  wTas 
as  usual  lying  in  about  five  coils  like  a  boiler- 
heater,  with  his  wicked-looking  flat  head  on 
the  top,  and  he  stuck  out  his  oyster  fork  of 
a  tongue,  and  give  us  a  little  hiss,  much  as  to 
say,  why  was  we  always  disturbing  him.  But 
no  Maude. 

"Ma!"  I  began,  catching  a  guilty  look  on 
her  face.  "Ma  Gilligan,  you  left  that  snake 
out  again!  After  all  the  times  I  ast  you  not 
to!" 

[251] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


"Well,  it  was  just  for  a  minute!"  she  says. 
"I  was  playing  with  her,  and  then  I  thought 
maybe  the  crullers  I  had  made  was  cool  by 
then  and  I  went  and  got  a  few  and  when  I 
come  back  she  was  gone!" 

"Well,  she's  got  to  be  found,  that's  all!"  I 
snapped.  "All  this  comes  from  you  insist- 
ing on  keeping  in  with  them  low  circus  people 
and  boarding  their  acts  for  them!" 

"But  Madame  Estelle  had  to  stay  with  her 
husband  when  he  fell  offen  the  trapeze  and 
they  so  devoted!"  says  Ma.  "And  I  didn't 
take  the  big  snakes — the  substitute  is  using 
them — but  only  her  own  dear  pets  which  the 
landlady  wouldn't  leave  her  have  in  her  room." 

"And  now  one  of  them  is  loose  in  my  room!" 
I  says,  "which  is  the  general  result  of  charity 
which,  as  the  poet  says,  had  ought  to  begin 
at  home,"  I  says.  "And  you  know,  Ma,  how 
I  feel  about  snakes.  There's  nobody  in  the 
psycopathic  ward  got  anything  on  me.  If 
only  they  had  even  a  few  feet  instead  of  so 
many  yards,  I  wouldn't  mind  them  so  much." 

"Well,  now  Mary,  I'm  real  sorry,"  says 
Ma.  "But  not  half  so  sorry  as  Madame  Es- 
telle will  be  if  anything  happens  to  Maude! 
I'm  real  fond  of  the  little  beauty  myself,  and 
[252] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


if  you  had  been  with  a  circus  all  the  years 
I  was,  you  would  understand  her  better!" 

Well,  believe  you  me,  it  wasn't  a  lack  of 
understanding  with  me,  it  was  a  religious  con- 
viction, and  why  not,  for  hadn't  them  beasts 
made  trouble  beginning  with  the  original  evic- 
tion of  undesirable  tenants,  and  was  I  to  think 
it  likely  that  our  own  janitor  would  be  any 
more  lenient  if  Maude  was  to  get,  say,  as  far 
as  the  elevator?  Keeping  snakes  never  got  a 
tenant  in  right  yet  and  loose  ones  might  set 
the  first  of  May  forward  as  many  months  as 
was  necessary.  Not  to  mention  my  own  per- 
sonal feelings  in  the  matter,  which  it's  a  fact 
I  once  broke  a  contract  on  the  Small-Time 
years  ago  because  a  snake-charmer  come  off 
just  as  I  was  going  on  and  I  used  to  meet  her 
and  them  in  the  wings  every  time. 

Well,  anyways,  I  will  say  it  for  Ma,  she 
certainly  turned  in  and  helped  me  make  a 
thorough  search  for  Maude,  which  was  going 
some  for  a  lady  of  her  figure.  Looking  for  a 
vanished  snake  in  a  apartment  means  consid- 
erable gymnastics,  because  nothing  can  be 
overlooked  with  safety,  and  I  didn't  want  that 
parlor-eel  slipping  anything  over  on  me — 
[253] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


especially  her  cold  stomach  in  the  middle  of 
the  night  across  my  face,  for  instance. 

So  I  and  Ma  looked  under  all  the  furni- 
ture and  in  the  pedalcase  of  the  pianola  and  in 
the  vases  and  behind  the  steam  radiators,  back 
of  the  big  gold  clock,  inside  the  victrola,  under 
the  rugs,  back  of  the  pictures  on  the  wall  and 
every  place:— but  no  Maude.  Finally  we 
even  took  a  look  out  in  the  hall,  although  we 
knew  nobody  had  opened  the  front  door,  and 
after  that  we  opened  the  wall  safe  where  we 
keep  our  diamonds  in  a  stocking,  this  being 
a  compromise  between  Ma's  habits  and  my 
common-sense.  And  then  we  hod  a  peep  into 
the  ice-box  where  Ma  found  a  saucer  of  pud- 
ding which  she  had  someways  overlooked  at 
supper  but  no  snake. 

And  after  we  had  felt  under  the  bath-tub 
with  my  best  lavender  umbrella  which  what 
with  the  limousine  it  was  the  first  use  I  ever 
had  for  it,  and  then  taken  a  forlorn  hope  into 
the  soiled-clothes  hamper,  we  give  it  up,  and 
sat  down  with  ruined  georgette  blouses  and 
perfectly  wild  looking  hair  and  all  heated  up 
like  a  couple  of  wrestlers.  Any  one  coming 
in  then  would  of  thought  we  had  been  indulg- 
[254] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


ing  in  a  family  discussion  of  some  kind,  and 
for  a  matter  of  that  it's  the  truth.  I  said  a  few 
raw  remarks  about  the  kind  of  a  home  she 
run  for  me  and  I  working  as  hard  as  cider  to 
keep  it  and  now  she  left  snakes  around,  Gawd 
knows  where,  and  how  would  a  artist  like  my- 
self get  the  rest  to  do  justice  to  my  work  on 
the  bomb-explosion  scene  in  the  last  reel  of 
"Bosh  or  Bolshevik?"  which  I  was  going  to  be 
shot  in  only  the  next  day,  and  if  she  had  to 
support  me  instead  of  I  her,  she  would  have 
a  right  to  leave  any  animals  or  minerals  around 
she  chose,  but  this  was  my  flat  and  although 
Gawd  knew  she  was  welcome,  pretty  soon  we 
would  have  none  if  I  was  to  be  made  a  nervous 
wreck  out  of  instead  of  the  biggest  nerve  in 
pictures.  Yes,  I  said  that  and  a  lot  more 
pretty  mean  stuff  as  only  a  daughter  can — for 
even  with  my  refinement  I  am  but  a  mere  hu- 
man after  all,  and  under  the  glittering  suc- 
cess of  my  career  is  several  common  human 
failings  and  at  times  I  act  no  different  from 
any  less  well-known  female  in  the  bosom  of 
my  family. 

So  I  had  the  last  word  and  Ma  was  in  wrong 
and  went  to  get  lunch  without  a  come-back 
out  of  her.     Alas!     Had  I  but  canned  that 
[255] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME? 


foolish  chatter  of  mine !  But  how  could  I  know 
she  was  going  to  act  like  she  done  later  because 
of  it?  You  can't  remember  forwards  and  if  a 
person  could,  it's  ten  to  one  they'd  quit  before 
they  was  off  the  bottle  and  go  back  to  Heaven 
whence  they  come,  life  being  so  full  of  mis- 
takes you  could  of  avoided  if  only  you  had 
done  something  different  from  what  you  didt 

II 

Well,  anyways,  Ma  went  back  to  the  kitchen 
to  fix  up  a  little  snack  of  waffles  and  honey  and 
poached  eggs  on  hash  and  cream-cake  and 
strawberries  with  a  cup  of  cocoa  and  whipped 
cream  for  a  light  lunch,  her  lunches  being 
light  about  the  way  a  "light"  motor  truck  is, 
and  I  went  back  to  my  joint  contract  and  was 
so  mad  I  concluded  to  write  into  it  not  alone 
expenses  and  Ilosco  but  a  cottage  or  bunga- 
loo,  as  it  is  called  in  Los  Angeles,  while  out 
there.  With  which  I  wrote  a  refined  but  firm 
letter  to  Goldringer,  saying  this  was  my  final 
word  on  the  matter  and  spoke  also  for  Jim. 
Then  I  enclosed  the  contract  and  J.Ia  called 
out  the  cocoa  was  getting  cold  and  so  I  stamped 
and  put  it  in  the  hall-slot  which  I  never  have 
[250] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


a  feeling  any  letter  going  down  it  is  headed 
for  anybody  except  maybe  the  devil,  and  not 
even  him  unless  it  don't  get  stuck  on  the  way. 
And  then  I  ate,  though  not  with  much  appetite, 
what  with  expecting  any  moment  to  see  Maude 
crawl  out  from  some  place,  and  Ma  being  quiet 
to  a  extent  not  to  be  fully  accounted  for  by 
three  plates  of  waffles.  It  wasn't  natural  in 
her,  that  quiet,  but  I  remembered  the  dough- 
nuts and  laid  it  to  the  sequence.  Still  I  tried 
to  get  her  to  talk,  as  talking,  if  about  herself, 
generally  cheers  her  quite  a  lot. 

"Anything  ail  you,  Ma?"  I  says. 

"Nothing  much,"  says  Ma,  lighting  into  the 
cream-cake.     "Nothing  to  speak  of." 

"TeH  me  about  it  then!"  I  says.  But  Ma 
wouldn't.  She  heaved  a  big  sigh  and  handed 
me  a  substitute  for  what  was  really  on  her 
mind.  It  was  something  just  as  good,  I  credit 
her  for  that. 

"You  know  the  stuff  you  ordered  from 
Schultz?"  she  says. 

"You  mean  the  wet  goods  I  ordered  to  keep 
Jim  from  parching  to  death  this  summer?"  I 
says,  because  although  Jim  is  far  from  a  real 
drinking  man,  he  having  his  profession  of 
dancing  always  in  mind  even  after  eleven  P.  M. 
[257] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


and  Gawd  knows  never  fails  to  realize  that 
sound  acrobatics  is  the  basis  of  all  good  dancing 
which  a  drunkard  never  yet  was,  or  at  least 
not  for  over  two  seasons;  still,  in  spite  of  all 
this,  Jim  is  a  mere  male  and  a  drink  or  two, 
especially  if  difficult  to  get,  is  not  by  any  means 
objectionable  to  him.  And  beside  he  had  been 
two  years  in  France  and  I  didn't  want  him  to 
feel  it  had  anything  on  America  when  he 
come  home,  even  if  I  had  to  go  so  far  as  to 
myself  personally  replace  what  Congress  had 
taken  away.  Do  you  get  me?  You  do!  And 
I  had  done  it  as  far  as  my  bank  account,  cel- 
larette  and  the  liquor-dealer  permitted.  Which 
looked  like  it  was  going  to  postpone  the 
drought  quite  sometime  for  us.  And  while 
here  and  there  stuff  like  champagne  and 
brandy  and  vermouth  had  to  be  bought,  like 
remnants  on  a  bargain  counter — just  kind  of 
odds  and  ends  of  each — I  had  one  satisfaction 
out  of  the  buy,  and  that  was  getting  a  case 
of  Old  Home  Rye— absolutely  the  last  case 
in  the  city — probably  the  last  in  the  whole 
entire  U.  S.  A.,  and  it  was  Jim's  one  best  bet. 
A  high-ball  of  this — just  one — with  his  dinner 
was  about  his  exact  idea  of  drinking,  and  I  had 
calculated  that  the  three  gallons,  taking  it  at 
[258] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


his  rate  would  last  him  pretty  near  a  year,  and 
by  that  time  some  new  vice  would  surely  of 
been  invented  to  take  its  place. 

Well,  anyways,  I  had  ordered  it  and  paid 
for  it,  and  there  wasn't  any  more  of  it  any- 
wheres, and  it  and  the  contract  with  Gold- 
ringer  was  two  of  the  best  surprises  I  had  for 
Jim. 

"Well,"  says  Ma.  "I  can't  say  I  approve 
of  the  demon  Rum  coming  into  our — your 
house,  but  once  money  is  paid  out,  I  like  to 
see  the  goods — all  the  goods,  delivered,"  she 
says. 

"What's  this  leading  up  to?"  I  asked. 

"To  the  way  that  man  Schultz  cheats  you!" 
says  Ma.  "He  didn't  send  the  Old  Home 
Rye!" 

Believe  you  me,  never  have  I  been  handed 
a  meaner  deal  than  that,  no,  not  even  the  night 
Goldringer  first  heard  of  me  and  came  to  see 
my  try-out  for  the  big  time  and  my  pink  tights 
didn't  come. 

"Ma!"  says  I.  "Why  don't  you  call  him 
up  and  find  out  why  didn't  he?" 

"I've  done  that!"  she  says.  "And  he  claims 
on  his  oath  it  was  sent  with  the  rest.  I  spoke 
[259] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


to  the  boy  which  brought  it  and  then  to  Schultz 
himself.  They  both  claim  they  give  it  to 
Rudie." 

Rudie  was  the  janitor  but  he  had  missed 
his  profession.  He  had  ought  to  of  been  a 
sleight-of-hand  man,  for  he  could  make  things 
disappear  in  a  way  which  would  of  delighted 
a  morning  matinee  audience,  especially  those 
under  twelve  years  of  age.  Believe  you  me, 
though,  he  was  never  known  to  make  anything 
grow  where  nothing  had  been  before — not  rab- 
bits or  even  silk  handkerchiefs,  but  it's  the  truth 
that  he  had  onct  or  twice  caused  a  vanished 
quart  of  cream  to  reappear  if  given  a  suffi- 
ciently hard  call  quick  enough  after  it  was 
missed.  And  the  minute  I  heard  he  was  cast 
for  a  part  in  my  tragedy,  I  decided  to  hear 
him  read  his  lines  right  off  without  no  delay, 
because  it  was  practically  impossible  that  he 
could  of  got  away  with  more  than  a  quart  yet 
and  I  was  prepared  to  go  through  the  busi- 
ness of  believing  him  when  he  come  to  the 
description  of  how  he  had  dropped  it  by  acci- 
dent and  too  bad  but  it  broke. 

Which  was  all  right  in  theory,  but  Rudie  did 
nothing  of  the  kind.  Evidently  so  long  as  he 
was  lying  he  had  made  up  his  mind  it  was 

[200] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


as  well  to  be  killed  for  a  case  as  a  quart,  as  the 
poet  says,  and  when  I  sent  for  him  and  he  had 
kept  me  waiting  while  he  sifted  the  ashes  and 
pounded  on  the  steam  pipes  and  talked  to  the 
garbage  man  and  got  a  light  from  the  cop  and 
chatted  with  the  elevator-girl  and  a  few  little 
odds  and  ends  like  that  just  to  show  me  where 
I  got  off,  he  finally  decided  to  come  up.  Well, 
it  was  seven  months  to  Xmas,  so  what  could 
I  expect?  Anyways,  he  finally  made  his  en- 
trance, down  R.  C.  to  footlights,  in  my  Louis- 
size  drawing-room,  leaving  tracks  behind  him 
which  Ma  spotted  with  a  angry  eye  as  fast  as 
he  laid  them,  and  with  all  the  well-known 
courtesy  of  the  proletariat  he  looked  me  in  the 
eye. 

"Well?"  he  says. 

"Say,  Trotsky!"  I  says,  for  I  had  never 
liked  this  bird,  as  he  was  on  one  continued 
drunk.  "Look  here,  Lenine,"  I  says,  glad  of 
the  chance  to  insult  him.  "A  case  of  fine 
whisky  at  sixty  dollars  net  seems  to  of  been 
avoidably  detained  in  your  dug-out.  I  expect 
that  with  a  little  searching  you  can  stumble  on 
it.  And  as  for  that  bottle  you  broke  by  ac- 
cident, don't  bother  to  mention  it,"  I  says,  "be- 
cause I  am  gladly  doing  so  for  you,"  I  says. 
[261] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


"Only  kindly  find  the  rest  and  we  will  also  for- 
get about  this  morning's  cream." 

Probably  I  hadn't  ought  to  of  been  so  gen- 
erous, for  Rudie  sort  of  swayed  a  little  and 
give  me  a  pleasant  childlike  smile  out  of  his 
unshaved  doormat  of  a  face. 

"Dunno  wash  you  mean!"  he  says,  real  pleas- 
ant. 

"Jim  is  right  about  the  kick  in  that  stuff," 
I  says,  eyeing  him  critically.  "You  certainly 
have  a  swell  bun  I" 

"Why,  Mish  La  Tour !"  says  Rudie.  "Don't 
drink  a  dropsh!     Never  toush  it." 

And  with  that  he  give  a  sigh  of  disappoint- 
ment in  me  which  made  the  place  smell  like  a 
bar-room ! 

"But  of  coush  I'll  shee  if  itsh  down  stairsh!" 
he  says. 

Well,  there  was  no  use  in  arguing  with  him, 
I  could  see  that  all  right,  all  right,  but  I  left 
him  know  I  wasn't  swallowing  any  such  a  poor 
alibi  as  his  own  word. 

"All  right,  you  second-hand  shock  absorb- 
er!" I  says.  "Maybe  I  can't  jolt  the  truth  out 
of  you,  but  I  will  hand  you  one  small  piece  of 
information  before  you  take  your  reluctant  de- 
parture. You'll  find  that  whiskey  or  the  cops 
[262] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


will.  And  if  they  don't  get  me  a  judgment 
against  you,  one  will  come  from  heaven,  that's 
a  cinch,  for  you  not  only  got  the  stuff,  but 
you  took  it  off  a  returning  soldier  which  is  a 
bigger  crime  than  mere  patriotic  stealing  would 
be,"  I  says.  "You  wait  and  see  what'll  hap- 
pen to  you  if  you  don't  come  across !  We  got 
a  long  score  to  settle,  we  have,  and  right  al- 
ways wins  out  in  the  end,  and  that's  my  middle 
name!" 

Well,  he  went  away  very  proud  and  hurt  to 
think  I  would  suspect  him  of  such  a  crime,  he 
being  that  kind  of  a  drunk.  Do  you  get  me? 
Of  course!  Gosh!  How  I  do  hate  to  see  a 
person  in  liquor ;  really,  I  think  prohibition  will 
be  a  good  thing  for  all  of  us,  and  was  myself 
only  storing  up  a  little,  for  exceptional  rea- 
sons. And  when  a  person  begins  talking  about 
federal  prohibition  and  their  constitutional 
rights  I  can't  help  but  wonder  why  they  don't 
consider  it  in  the  physical  as  well  as  the  politi- 
cal sense. 

Well,  anyways,  it  was  a  blow  to  lose  that 
Old  Home,  and  awful  irritating  on  top  of 
Maude.  And  then,  while  pulling  myself  into 
one  of  these  new  accident-policy-destroying 
narrow    skirts    which    belongs    with    what    m 

[263] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


through  courtesy  called  my  new  walking  suit, 
the  hall-girl  brought  the  mail  and  Musette  give 
it  to  me  in  the  midst  of  my  negligee  and  strug- 
gles and  I  stopped  dead  when  I  seen  the  first 
letter,  for  it  was  marked  "Soldier's  Mail"  and 
only  one  which  has  some  one  expected  home 
and  at  the  same  time  welcome,  can  know  how 
that  particular  mark  thrills.  Musette  observed 
me  register  joy  so  she  registers  it  too,  and  I 
tore  open  the  envelope  forgetting  the  skirt 
which  had  a  death-grip  on  my  knees,  and 
opened  up  the  page  in  Jim's  dear  hand-writ- 
ing. 

Did  you  ever  come  to  a  time  in  your  life 
where  you  had  one  trouble  on  top  of  another 
until  it  seemed  like  nothing  more  could  pos- 
sibly happen  except  maybe  the  end  of  the 
world,  and  then  something  still  worse  was 
pulled  on  you?  You  havel  Well,  this  letter 
was  pretty  near  the  end  of  the  world  to  me — 
at  least  a  distinct  postponement  of  anything 
which  could  with  any  truth  be  called  living. 
For  Jim  wasn't  coming  back  with  the  70th  af- 
ter all!  As  I  read  his  words  in  that  dear  boy- 
ish handwriting  of  his  which  he  never  had  time 
to  learn  to  write  better,  being  like  myself  quick- 

[264] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


er  with  his  feet  than  hands,  my  eyes  filled 
with  tears  and  I  stumhled  to  the  day-hed  as 
good  as  I  could  with  the  skirt,  and  sat  down. 
It  seemed  he  had  been  put  in  charge  of  some 
special  work  in  Paris  and  it  might  be  six 
months  before  he'd  get  sent  home !  Six  months ! 
And  me  getting  all  ready  for  a  second  honey- 
moon inside  of  six  weeks!  And  instead  of  be- 
ing out  in  the  wholesome  country  with  me  at 
Saratoga  or  Long  Beach  or  Niagara  Falls  or 
some  place,  he  would  be  in  Paris!  That  was 
what  I  had  to  face  and  any  woman  will  readily 
understand  my  feelings. 

Believe  you  me,  I  didn't  care  for  Maude 
or  the  Old  Home  or  the  contract  or  anything 
for  over  three-quarters  of  a  hour.  And  I  had 
to  wash  my  face  and  powder  my  nose  three 
times  after  I  was  finally  dressed  on  account 
of  breaking  down  again  when  just  completed. 

Whenever  a  person  has  a  real  sorrow  come 
to  them  the  best  way  to  do  is  control  it  quick 
before  it  controls  you.  So  after  I  had  in- 
dulged in  the  womanly  weep  which  certainly 
was  coming  to  me,  I  braced  up  and  got  into 
the  new  suit  with  the  idea  of  taking  as  brisk  a 
walk  as  it  would  allow  of.  Then  I  put  on  a 
new  hat  which  I  had  intended  for  my  second 
[265] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


honeymoon  but  which  would  never  see  it  or 
him,  as  it  would  undoubtedly  be  out  of  style 
by  the  time  Europe  had  made  up  its  mind  one 
way  or  another,  and  I  was  just  going  to  leave 
when  the  bell  rung  and  Ma  come  in  to  say 
it  was  a  caller. 

"It's  that  Mr.  Mulvaney  from  the  Welcome 
Home  Committee,  the  one  that  had  you  on  the 
'phone  yesterday,"  says  Ma.  And  after  a  min- 
ute I  kind  of  caught  control  of  myself  and  says 
well,  all  right,  I  would  see  him  and  went  in. 

"Well,  it  sure  is  strange  the  birds  they  pick 
out  for  these  deeds  of  synthetic  patriotism. 
This  one  come  from  the  neighborhood  of  Four- 
teenth Street  and  must  of  got  his  appointment 
of  chief  welcomer  from  the  way  he  give  the 
glad  hand.  You  would  of  thought  he  was 
cranking  a  flivver  that  wouldn't  crank  the  way 
he  kept  on  shaking  after  any  real  need  was 
past.  And  if  he  was  to  of  greeted  each  of  the 
boys  the  way  he  done  me,  the  army  wouldn't 
be  demobilized  in  our  generation!  Also  he  had 
a  suit  on  him  which  spoke  for  itself  and  a 
watch-chain  which  must  of  posed  for  them  in 
the  cartoons  of  Capital — do  you  get  me? 
Sure!  I  and  he  had  had  a  long  talk  on  the 
telephone  as  per  above,  and  so  as  soon  as  he 
[266] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


left  go  his  cinch  on  my  hand,  he  got  right  down 
to  business. 

"Now,  Miss  La  Tour — er — it — er — gives 
me  great  pleasure  to  think  you  will  take  charge 
of  the  Theatrical  Women's  Division,"  he  says. 
"Er — I  am  a  great  admirer  of  yours — that 
picture  you  done,  'Cleopatria,'  now — great 
stuff!" 

Well,  I  let  that  pass,  because  how  would 
such  a  self  important  bird  as  this  know  my  art 
when  he  sees  it,  and  if  he  enjoyed  Theda,  why 
not  leave  him  be?  I  changed  the  subject  at 
once  for  fear  he  would  be  confusing  me  with 
Caruso  next. 

"And  so  I'm  to  spend  ten  thousand  of  the 
hundred  thousand  iron-men  raised  by  the  Wel- 
come Committee?"  I  says  hastily.  "How  nice. 
What  will  it  go  for?" 

"That  is  for  you  and  your  committee  to  de- 
cide," he  says.  "I'm  sure  you  will  think  up 
something  tasty,"  he  says.  "And  go  to  the 
limit — we  need  ideas." 

Well,  anybody  could  see  that.  But  I  only 
says  all  right. 

"I  suppose  you  are  familiar  with  commit- 
tees?" says  this  human  editorial-page-sketch. 

"I'm  never  too  familiar  with  anybody,"  I 
[267] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


says  stiffly.    "But  I  have  been  acquainted  with 
more  than  one  committee." 

"Well,  here  are  the  papers  I  promised  you 
— the  general  scheme  and  so  forth.  The  cen- 
tral committee  will  meet  as  is  indicated  here. 
See  you  at  them.  Pleased  to  of  seen  you  off 
the  screen!  You  certainly  was  fine  in  'Shoul- 
der Arms'!" 

And  before  I  could  get  my  breath  he  had 
looked  at  a  handsome  watch  no  bigger  than 
a  orange,  humped  into  his  coat  and  was  off  in 
a  shower  of  language  that  left  me  no  come- 
back. 

Believe  you  me,  I  was  glad  when  he  had 
squoze  out  through  our  typical  apartment  hall 
and  the  gilt  elevator  had  snapped  him  up.  For 
to  hand  me  ten  thousand  to  spend  on  welcom- 
ing a  bunch  of  other  women's  husbands  was,  to 
soft  pedal  it,  rubbing  it  in.  I  was  only  about 
as  upset  as  that  spilled  milk  that  was  cried  over 
and  no  wonder  at  18  cents  a  qt.  Well,  any- 
ways, it  was  no  light  thing  to  face,  going  on 
with  this  work  and  Jim's  letter  scarcely  dry 
from  my  tears.  But  having  promised  over  the 
telephone  and  being  given  no  chance  to  refuse 
in  the  parlour,  I  would  keep  my  word  if  not  my 
heart  from  breaking. 

[268] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


Because,  anyways,  if  I  was  simply  to  do 
nothing  to  occupy  myself  except  maybe  a  few 
thousand  feet  of  fillum  and  rehearsing  my  spe- 
cial dance  act  for  the  Palatial  and  my  morning 
exercises  and  walking  my  five  miles  a  day  and 
all  that  quiet  home  stuff  which  gives  a  person 
too  much  time  to  think,  what  would  I  think, 
except  a  lot  of  unprintable  stuff  about  any  ad- 
ministration which  was  keeping  him  in  a  town 
like  Paris,  France?  And  the  only  comfort  I 
could  see  in  sight  was  to  work  hard  to  give  the 
boys  that  was  coming  a  real  welcome  and  re- 
member that  Jim  never  was  a  skirt-hound — ■ 
that  I  ever  saw. 


in 

Having  reached  this  resolve  I  decided  to  go 
on  the  walk  I  had  mapped  out  anyways,  be- 
cause what  is  home  with  a  disappeared  snake 
in  it?  And  so  I  started,  and  as  I  come  past 
the  door  in  the  lower  hall,  which  its  marked 
"Superintendent,"  which  is  Riverside-Drivese 
for  Janitor,  what  would  I  hear  but  Iiudie  sing- 
ing to  himself  out  of  the  fullness  of  his  heart 
or  something. 

I  went  out  in  wrath  and  the  spring  sun  and 
[269] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


after  a  while  I  begun  to  feel  less  sore  and  mis- 
erable in  my  heart,  partially  because  of  the 
fresh  air  and  partially  through  irritation  at 
the  stylish  trouser-leg  that  both  of  mine  was 
in.  But  the  day  was  too  sweet  for  a  person  to 
stay  mad  long.  Ain't  it  remarkable  the  way 
spring  can  creep  into  even  a  city  and  some- 
how make  it  enchanted  and  your  heart  kind  of 
perk  up  and  take  notice — do  you  get  me  ?  You 
do,  or  Gawd  pity  you !  It's  the  light,  I  guess, 
just  the  same  as  the  audience  holds  hands  when 
they  turn  on  the  ambers  with  a  circular  drop 
for  a  sunset  or  something. 

And  by  the  time  I  had  walked  along  the 
Avenue  and  seen  all  the  decorations  which  was 
already  put  up  for  the  first  regiments  home, 
I  commenced  getting  real  fired  and  excited 
with  my  new  job.  It  looked  like  the  powdered- 
sugar  industry  was  going  to  suffer  because 
about  all  the  plaster  in  the  country  seemed  to 
be  being  used  on  arches  which  looked  like  dago- 
wedding  cakes  and  you  actually  missed  the 
dolls  dressed  like  brides  and  grooms  off  the  top 
of  them.  And  here  and  there  was  some  funny 
looking  columns  of  the  same  white  stuff  and 
on  the  Public  Library  steps  a  bunch  of  spears 
and  shields  was  thrown  all  over  the  place  just 
[270] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


as  if  a  big  Shakespearian  production  had  sud- 
denly give  it  up  in  despair  and  left  their  props 
and  hoofed  it  back  to  Broadway.  It  certainly 
was  imposing. 

Up  at  59th  Street  was  a  arch  that  looked 
like  Coney  Island  frozen  solid.  It  was  all  of 
little  pieces  of  glass: — heavy  glass  and  mil- 
lions of  pieces.  I  don't  know  wiiat  good  they 
did,  but  they  shone  something  grand,  and  must 
of  cost  a  terrible  lot  of  money.  I  guessed  the 
boys  would  certainly  feel  proud  to  march  under 
it  provided  none  of  it  fell  on  their  heads. 

Believe  you  me,  by  the  time  I  got  home  my 
head  was  full  of  imaginary  architecture  like 
Luna  Park  and  Atlantic  City  jumbled  to- 
gether with  a  set  I  seen  in  "The  Fall  of  Rome'* 
when  we  was  shooting  it  at  Yonkers.  And 
after  I  had  squirmed  out  of  my  walking  suit 
and  was  a  free  woman  once  more,  in  a  negli- 
gee, which  is  French  for  kimona  which  is 
Japanese  for  wrapper,  wrell,  anyways,  I  lay 
in  it  and  opened  up  the  evening  paper  be- 
cause I  am  not  one  to  let  the  news  get  ahead 
on  me  and  have  acquired  the  habit  of  reading 
it  regular  the  same  as  my  daily  bath. 

But  it  was  hard  to  keep  my  attention  on  it 
because  Maude  was  still  missing  and  also  I 
[271] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME ! 


kept  thinking,  when  not  of  her,  of  the  lovely- 
arches  and  so  forth  my  ten  thousand  would 
build.  I  had  about  settled  on  pink-stucco, 
with  real  American  beauties  strung  on  it  and  a 
pair  of  white  kittens  in  plaster — symbol  of  the 
best  known  Theatrical  Ladies  Association  in 
Broadway,  and  I  expect  the  world — at  the 
top,  when  I  opened  the  paper  again  and  I  see 
something  which  set  my  mind  thinking. 

"70th  will  add  thousands  to  ranks  of  un- 
employed." 

Yes,  that's  just  what  it  said.  And  I  went 
on  and  read  the  piece  where  it  said  how  enough 
men  to  start  a  real  live  city  was  being  fed  at 
soup-kitchens  and  bread  lines,  not  in  Russia 
or  Berlin,  but  right  in  N.  Y.  C,  ]NT.  Y.,  U.  S. 
A.!  Somehow,  coming  right  on  top  of  all  their 
arches  and  so  forth,  it  sort  of  struck  me  in  the 
pit  of  my  stomach  and  give  me  the  same  sink- 
ing sensation  like  a  second  helping  of  griddle- 
cakes  a  hour  later — you  know!  The  thought 
of  all  that  money  going  on  arches  that  after 
they  was  once  marched  under  was  no  good  to 
anybody  but  the  ones  which  built  them  and  the 
ones  which  carted  them  away,  had  me  wor- 
ried. Think  of  all  the  soup  that  glass  and 
plaster  would  of  made !  Do  you  get  me  ?  You 
[272] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


do  or  you're  a  simp !  And  it  also  besides  struck 
me  that  while  the  incoming  boys  would  un- 
doubtedly enjoy  them  city  frostings,  them 
which  had  already  marched  under  them  and 
was  now  in  the  bread-line  must  be  kind 
of  fed  up  with  it.  Then  I  thought  of  the  ten 
thousand  intrusted  to  me  to  spend  which  had 
been  gladly  given  in  small  sections  by  willing 
citizens  who  wanted  to  do  some  little  thing 
to  show  appreciation  to  the  boys  which  had 
went  over  there,  and  I  begun  to  realize  I  had 
been  told  I  could  spend  it  anyways  I  wanted 
to. 

And  when  I  thought  of  that  pink  arch  and 
roses  I  blushed,  although  nobody  had,  fortu- 
nately, heard  me  mention  it,  except  the  two 
fool  dogs,  aloud. 

Believe  you  me,  I  then  see  like  a  bolt  from 
the  blue,  as  the  poet  says,  that  arches  was 
all  right  in  their  way  but  they  was  in  the  traf- 
fic's way  at  best  and  made  mighty  poor  eat- 
ing. And  so  naturally  with  Ma  having  it  con- 
tinually before  me,  I  thought  of  ten  thousand 
dollars  worth  of  eats,  because  while  there  is 
quite  a  lot  of  red  X  canteens  for  men  in  uni- 
form, how  about  the  poor  birds  which  had  just 
got  out  of  a  uniform  and  not  yet  got  into  a 
[273] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


job?  Besides  there  is  something  kind  of  im- 
permanent about  food  unless  a  salary  to  get 
more  with  follows  it  as  a  chaser. 

And  so  I  lay  there  in  comfort  all  but  for 
the  thought  of  Maude,  and  figured  and  fig- 
ured what  would  I  do.  It  seemed  it  was  a 
cinch  to  get  money  from  people  to  give  the 
boys  a  welcome  but  what  to  spend  it  on  was 
certainly  a  stiff  one.  But  after  a  while  I  com- 
menced to  get  a  idea.  Which  it's  a  fact  I  am 
seldom  long  without  one  when  needed  which 
together  with  my  great  natural  talent  is  what 
has  made  me  the  big  success  I  am. 

Work!  That  was  the  welcome  the  boys 
needed.  Work  and  a  little  something  substan- 
tial to  start  on.  So  this  is  what  I  figured.  Sup- 
pose we  was  to  divide  up  that  ten  thousand, 
how  many  boys  would  it  take  care  of,  and 
how? 

Say  we  had  ten  men.  A  thousand  each. 
Too  much,  of  course.  Twenty  men.  Five 
hundred  per  ea.  Still  too  much.  Well,  then 
forty  men.  Two  fifty.  Well,  they  could  use  it 
of  course,  but  it  was  not  a  constructive  idea.  It 
was  too  much  for  a  present  and  not  enough 
to  invest.  So  how  about  80.  Well,  that  wai 
[274] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


$125.  per  man.  This  was  doing  something 
pretty  good  by  eighty  men  that  would  very 
likely  need  it,  but  it  seemed  sort  of  unfair  not 
to  take  in  more  of  the  boys.  Sol  split  it  again 
and  had  one  hundred  and  sixty  boys  with 
$62.50  in  their  pockets. 

Well,  I  felt  kind  of  good  over  this  idea 
and  there  was  only  two  real  troubles  with  it 
which  is  to  say  that  $31.25  for  three  hundred 
and  twenty  boys  looked  nicer  if  there  was 
only  some  way  to  handle  it  right.     But  how? 

I  put  in  another  hard  think  and  then  I  got  it. 
The  way  to  make  that  $31.25  a  real  present 
was  to  make  it  a  payment  on  something  and 
then  with  the  other  hand  pass  out  a  job  at  the 
same  time,  which  would  not  alone  keep  the 
soldier  but  allow  him  to  cover  the  difference. 

And  to  get  away  with  this  all  I  needed  now 
was  a  popular  investment  and  320  perfectly 
good  steady  jobs. 

Well,  with  the  Victory  Loan  the  first  part 
was  easy  enough,  and  I  concluded  to  pay 
twenty-five  dollars  on  each  of  three  hundred 
and  twenty  one  hundred  dollar  victory  notes, 
making  myself  responsible  for  the  lot  the  same 
as  if  I  was  a  bank  and  getting  a  job  for  each 
note  and  having  the  giver  of  the  job  hold  the 
[275] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


note  on  the  soldier  and  pay  me  the  instalments 
and  I  would  pay  myself  back,  or  if  not  no- 
body would  be  stung  outside  of  me,  supposing 
any  one  of  them  failed  to  come  across.  I  was 
going  to  take  a  big  lot  for  myself  and  another 
ten  didn't  much  matter. 

And  then  with  the  remaining  $6.25  each, 
well,  I  would  pool  that  for  leaflets  enough  to  go 
around  the  whole  division  and  on  the  leaflet  I 
would  have  printed  the  facts  and  a  list  of  the 
jobs  and  just  what  they  was,  with  how  much 
kale  per  week  went  with  them,  and  see  that 
the  boys  got  them  while  the  parade  was  form- 
ing and  then  it  would  be  up  to  them,  because 
the  home  folks  can  only  do  so  much  and  then 
it's  up  to  the  army  their  own  selves  just  as 
with  munitions  and  sugar  and  red  X  work 
while  the  big  show  was  on.  They  did  the  work 
but  we  gave  them  the  job — we  and  the  Ger- 
mans. And  now  all  we  could  do  again  was  to 
give  them  a  job — and  it's  enough,  judging 
from  how  they  went  after  the  first  one. 

And  then,  just  as  I  come  smack  up  against 
the  awful  fact  of  where  would  I  get  them  jobs 
Ma  come  in  and  says  the  hot-dogs  and  liberty- 
cabbage  which  it's  the  truth  we  always  trans- 
late them  into  American  at  our  table,  was  get- 
[276] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


ting  cold  and  as  long  as  I  was  paying  for  them 
I'd  better  eat  them  while  they  was  fit.  So 
I  says  all  right  and  we  went  in  and  did  so. 

Believe  you  me,  it  certainly  is  a  remarkable 
thing  the  way  you  start  on  a  afternoon's  work 
like  I  done,  all  full  of  vigor  and  strength  and 
how  your  ideas  and  courage  and  everything  wTill 
sort  of  leak  away  toward  the  time  to  put  on 
the  feed-bag  at  Evensong.  And  how  again 
the  ideas  and  pep  comes  back  in  the  evening 
once  you  have  eaten.  There  was  almost  per- 
fect silence  the  first  few  minutes  we  sat  down 
or  wrould  of  been  except  for  Ma  taking  her 
tea  out  of  the  saucer,  which  I  can't  learn  her 
not  to  do  and  the  only  way  I  keep  her  from 
disgracing  me  at  the  Ilitz  and  ect,  is  to  make 
sure  she  don't  order  it.  But  when  the  first 
pangs  was  attended  to  I  commenced  to  feel 
more  conversational. 

"Work,"  I  says,  thinking  of  what  I  had 
been  thinking  of.  "Work  is  the  one  thing  that 
stands  by  a  j^erson.  Everything  else  in  life 
can  go  bluey  and  their  work  will  see  them 
through.  That's  why  it's  been  so  popular  all 
these  years,  and  where  these  Bolsheviks  make 
their  big  mistake.  Because  they  don't  work 
[277] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


and  not  working  they  get  bored  to  death  and 
so  they  commence  rioting.  Do  you  remember 
that  quotation  from  that  well-known  cowboy 
poet,  Omaha  Kiyim,  "Satan  will  find  busi- 
ness still  for  idle  hands  to  do?"  How  good 
that  applies  to  strikes — idle  hands — ain't  that 
perfect?     And  it  written  so  long  ago!" 

"How  long?"  says  Ma. 

"Oh,  I  dunno.  Maybe  three  hundred 
years,"  I  says. 

Ma  laid  down  her  knife  and  spoon,  she  be- 
ing quite  entirely  through,  and  looked  me  in 
the  eye. 

"I  will  remember  them  words,  daughter," 
she  says  very  solemn. 

And  it's  the  truth  I  never  noticed  how  se- 
rious she  was  about  it  until  I  come  to  look 
back  on  it  nearly  three  weeks  later. 


IV 


And  during  that  time  which  has  been  so 
immortally  fixed  in  writing  by  the  grandest 
book  with  the  same  name,  I  was  as  busy  as 
the  great  American  cootie  is  supposed  to  be 
on  his  native  hearth — only  it  ain't  that  piece 
of  furniture  but  another,  of  course.  Do  you 
[278] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


get  me?  I'm  afraid  sol  Well,  I  was  as  busy 
as  what  you  think.  To  begin  with  1  called 
a  committee-meeting  in  the  privacy  of  my 
grey  French  enamel  boudoir  where  I  wear  my 
boudoir  cap  and  have  the  day-bed  hitched  and 
this  committee  meeting  consisted  entirely  of 
myself  and  the  two  fool  dogs.  And  after  I 
had  gone  through  all  the  motions,  I  appointed 
myself  a  sub-committee  of  one  to  carry  out 
the  meeting's  resolutions  and  do  all  the  work. 

This  is  about  what  would  of  happened  if 
I  had  done  it  the  regular  way  and  asked  Ruby 
Roselle  and  Maison  Rosabelle  and  the  other 
girls.  We  would  of  had  a  mahogany  table 
and  a  gavel  and  a  pitcher  of  ice-water  and  a 
lot  of  hot-air  and  a  wasted  morning  and  in 
the  end  I  would  of  been  the  goat  anyways,  so 
I  thought  why  not  do  it  single-handed  in  the 
first  place  and  be  done?  I  could  print  all  their 
names  on  the  leaflets  and  they  would  be  per- 
fectly satisfied. 

So  having  got  over  the  necessary  formali- 
ties as  you  might  say,  I  accepted  the  nomina- 
tion and  got  to  work.  Fortunately  I  wasn't 
doing  anything  except  a  solo  dance  at  the 
Palatial  at  supper-time  and  one  picture.  And 
so  I  had  most  of  my  days  to  myself.  The  Fix- 
[279] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME 


ings  on  the  Avenue  grew  and  blossomed  and 
so  did  my  contribution  to  the  Welcome  Home 
Committee.  I  didn't  get  to  go  to  any  of  their 
meetings  but  I  don't  imagine  they  even  missed 
me  at  the  time.  And  while  the  arches  and  other 
motion-picture  scenery  was  being  as  completed 
as  they  ever  would  be,  so  was  my  list.  My 
monument  took  up  less  space,  but  when  you 
gave  it  the  once-over  it  seemed  maybe  a  little 
more  rain-proof  than  the  others.  Apparently 
all  there  was  to  it  was  slips  of  paper  six  by 
eight  with  this  printed  on  them.  At  the  top 
it  says: 

"welcome  home" 
"howdy  boys,  and  our  heartfelt  thanks! 
do  you  need  a  job?  here  are  three  hun- 
dred and   twenty  and  a  victory  note 
goes  with  every  one!" 

Then  come  the  list.  I  will  put  down  a  part 
of  it  so  you  can  realize  what  a  assortment  of 
things  has  to  be  done  to  keep  the  seive  in  civil- 
ization. 

4    handsome    juveniles    for   motion-picture 
work — stage  experience  unnecessary. 
[280] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


2  experienced  camera  men. 

2  marcel-wavers. 

6  chemists,  Marie  La  Tour  Complexion 
Powder  Co. 

2  salesmen,  Marie  La  Tour  Turkish  Cigar- 
ette Co. 

1C  waiters,  Palatial  Hotel. 

1  traveling  man,  Marie  La  Tour  Silk 
Underwear  Co. 

2  experienced  lineotypers,  Motion  Picture 
Gazette. 

2  experienced  pressmen,  Motion  Picture 
Gazette. 

1  publicity  man,  experienced,  Motion  Pic- 
ture Gazette. 

3  fillum  cutters. 

1  stylish  floorman.  Must  be  handsome  and 
refined,  not  over  30.  Apply  Maison  Rosa- 
belle,  Hats  and  Gowns. 

1  orchestra  complete,  with  leader.  Apply 
"Chez  La  Tour"  (my  old  joint  of  parlour- 
dancing  days) . 

30  chorus  men. 

2  sparring  partners  for  Madame  Griselda, 
the  famous  lady-boxer. 

And  ect,  add  affinities,  as  the  Romans  used 
to  say.     And  every  one  a  real  genuine  job 
[281] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


paying  good  money.  And  getting  them  nailed 
was  no  cinch,  believe  you  me,  except,  of  course, 
I  being  such  a  prominent  person  I  didn't  have 
as  much  trouble  as  some  would  of.  Especially 
where  a  firm  was  using  my  name  on  something, 
they  could  hardly  refuse  me.  I  seen  every- 
body personally  myself,  and  only  the  bosses 
and  in  the  end  nobody  had  turned  me  down 
except  the  one  from  which  I  had  bought  my 
new  bear-cat  roadster  for  Jim's  welcome  home 
present  and  it  was  some  roadster,  being  neatly 
finished  in  pale  lavender  with  yellow  running- 
gear  and  a  narrow  red  trim  and  tapestry  up- 
holstery on  the  seats  which  was  so  low  and 
easy  you  involuntarily  started  to  pull  up  the 
blankets  after  you  got  settled.  You  know,  the 
kind  of  a  car  you  have  to  look  up  from  to  see 
which  way  the  cop  is  waving. 

Well,  anyways,  you  would  of  thought  the 
bird  which  had  sold  it  to  me  for  cash  money, 
him  being  the  manager  of  the  luxurious  car- 
corrall  himself,  would  offer  to  take  on  some 
of  the  boys.  But  no,  he  says  there  was  too  many 
auto  salesmen  in  the  world  already,  and  that 
they  had  ought  to  be  diverted  into  selling  some 
of  the  new  temperance  drinks  where  their 
[282] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


trained  imagination  would  undoubtedly  be  of 
great  value. 

Well,  anyways,  he  was  the  only  one  turned 
me  down  and  I  had  the  slips  printed  and 
stored  away  in  a  couple  of  cretone  hat-boxes 
and  commenced  allotting  the  victory-note 
pledges.  And  then  I  tripped  over  the  fact  that 
I  was  a  job  short.  There  was  the  stuff  all 
printed,  and  a  job  too  short  and  it  the  night 
before  the  big  parade!  Well,  I  decided  that 
when  the  time  come  I  would  make  the  extra 
job  if  I  couldn't  find  it,  and  believe  you  me,  I 
was  as  wore  out  looking  for  them  as  a  Ham 
with  his  hair  cut  like  a  Greenwich  village  mas- 
terpiece. Not  that  I  ever  saw  one  and  I  have 
often  wondered  where  the  artists  which  drew 
them  that  way,  did. 

But  in  the  meantime  I  had  got  hold  of  the 
Dahlia  sisters,  and  Madame  Broun  and  La 
Estelle,  and  Queenie  King  and  a  lot  of  other 
easy-lookers  and  had  it  all  fixed  for  them  to 
be  on  hand  below  Fourteenth  Street  at  ten 
o'clock  to  give  out  the  slips  while  the  boys  was 
mobilizing  or  whatever  they  call  it.  And  then 
just  as  I  was  getting  into  the  limousine  with 
Musette  and  the  two  cretone  hat  boxes  full  and 
the  two  fool  dogs  and  Ma,  who  would  come  up 
[288] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


to  me  but  Ruby  Roselle  with  a  new  spring  set 
of  sables  which  it  is  remarkable  how  she  does 
it  in  burlesque,  still  far  be  it  from  me  to  say 
a  word  about  any  person,  having  been  in  the 
theatrical  world  too  long  not  to  realize  that  it 
is  seldom  as  red  as  it  is  painted  and  that  the 
coating  of  black  is  only  on  the  outside. 

Well,  anyways,  up  she  comes  from  her  new 
flat  which  is  only  two  doors  from  mine  and  a 
awful  mean  look  in  those  green  eyes  of  hers 
under  a  sixty  dollar  hat  that  looked  it,  while 
mine  cost  seventy-five  and  looked  fifteen,  which 
is  far  more  refined  only  Ruby  would  never  be- 
lieve that:  which  is  one  main  difference  be- 
tween her  and  I.  And  she  stopped  me  with 
one  of  those  deadly  sweet  womanly  smiles  and 
says  in  a  voice  all  milk  and  honey  and  barbed 
wire,  she  says: 

"How's  this,  dearie,  about  the  Theatrical 
Ladies  Committee,"  she  says.  "I  only  just 
heard  of  it  from  Dottie  Dalhia,"  she  says. 
"What  was  it  made  you  leave  me  off?" 

Well,  seeing  that  the  armistice  was  not  yet 
broken  I  felt  I  might  let  her  distribute  a  few 
leaflets,  although  I  had  left  her  name  off  the 
signatures  at  the  bottom  on  account  of  her 
never  having  proved  she  wasn't  a  alien  enemy 
[284] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


to  anything  besides  dramatic  art,  which  hadn't 
to  be  proved.  So  I  handed  her  a  string  of 
talk  about  this  being  a  small  affair  and  how 
I  had  thought  she  would  of  been  too  busy  to 
do  anything  just  now,  which  made  her  mad 
because  there  is  some  talk  on  account  of  that 
she  wasn't  working  just  then.  But  she  took 
a  few  leaflets  and  read  the  signature  at  the 
bottom.  "Theatrical  Ladies'  Welcome  Com- 
mittee" and  got  real  red  in  the  face. 

"Why,  my  friend  Mr.  Mulvaney  spoke  to 
me  about  this!"  she  says.  "I  was  to  of  been 
treasurer,  or  something!  Do  you  mean  to  say 
you  spent  ten  thousand  dollars  on  them!"  and 
she  pointed  to  the  leaflets  like  a  one-act  small- 
time. 

"Yep!"  I  says.  "Take  'em  home  and  try 
'em  on  your  piano!"  I  says.  "But  you  will 
have  please  to  pardon  me  now.  I  got  to  beat 
it!" 

And  with  that  I  climbed  in  with  the  rest  of 
the  family  and  we  was  rushed  down  town  to 
N.  Y.'s  Bohemian  Quarter,  where  the  70th 
Division  was  about  to  hang  around  waiting  to 
parade.  Which  it  is  certainly  remarkable  the 
places  the  highly  moral  U.  S.  A.  Government 
picks  out  for  her  soldiers  to  wait  about  in  say 
[285] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


from  Paris  to  Washington  Square,  and  I  think 
their  wives  and  sweethearts  have  stood  for  a 
good  deal  of  this  sort  of  thing,  to  say  nothing 
of  wives  and  sisters  being  kept  from  going 
abroad.  I  don't  know  have  any  homes  been 
broken  up  this  way,  but  I  will  say  that  Mar- 
sailles  and  Harlem  would  of  listened  bette? 
to  the  patiently  waiting  homebodies. 

Well,  anyways,  down  we  went  to  the  ama- 
teur white  lights,  and  by  the  time  we  reached 
Twenty-Third  we  begun  to  run  into  bunches 
of  the  boys.  Bands  was  playing  and  all,  and 
— oh  my  Gawd,  what's  the  use  trying  to  tell 
about  it?  There  was  plenty  to  tell,  but  ain't 
every  one  seen  it?  If  not  at  N.  Y.  C,  why  in 
some  town  which  may  be  more  jay  but  with 
its  heart  in  the  right  place,  and  the  heart  is 
the  thing  which  counted  this  time  as  per  usual. 
Believe  you  me,  mine  was  in  my  throat  and  so 
was  everybody  elses  when  they  seen  them  lean 
brown  boys  with  their  grown-up  faces! 

Well,  we  stopped  down  to  Eleventh  and 
Sixth  and  got  out  and  commenced  walking 
around  handing  out  the  leaflets,  and  at  first 
they  weren't  taking  'em  very  seriously,  but 
pretty  soon  they  began  to  get  on  to  who  I  was 
and  of  course  that  caught  them  and  a  good 
T286] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


many  tucked  the  slips  inside  their  tin  hats 
and  all  of  them  pretty  near  had  seen  me  in 
"The  Kaiser's  Killing"  and  I  got  pretty  near 
as  big  a  ovation  as  I  had  tried  to  offer  them. 
And  as  for  the  parade  they  was  very  good- 
natured,  but  it  seemed  to  me  that  as  usual  the 
stay-at-homes  in  the  grandstands  was  getting 
the  best  of  it  and  the  boys  doing  all  the  work, 
for  parading,  no  more  than  a  first-class  dancing 
act,  ain't  quite  the  pleasure  to  the  ones  that  does 
it,  that  it  is  to  them  that  only  stands  and  waits, 
as  the  saying  is. 


The  crowds  on  the  Avenue  was  something 
fierce,  and  the  only  ones  which  had  the  right 
of  way,  outside  of  officers  and  cops,  was  the 
motion-picture  men.  I  seen  Ted  Bearson,  my 
own  camera  man  from  the  Goldringer  Studios, 
and  Rosco,  my  publicity  man,  and  they  was 
talking  together.  I  stepped  back  in  among 
the  boys,  because  I  wasn't  looking  for  any  per- 
sonal publicity  myself  on  this  particular  day, 
wishing  to  leave  all  that  to  the  division  and  I 
knew  that  if  Ted  was  to  see  me  he  would  shoot 
me. 

[287] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


But  ain't  it  the  truth  that  the  modester  a 
public  person  like  me  is,  the  more  attention 
they  attract?  My  sweet,  quiet  voice,  silent 
though  snappy  clothes,  and  retiring  manner 
have  been  in  Sunday  spreads  and  motion-pic- 
ture magazine  articles  practically  all  over  the 
world  and  America,  and  my  refinement  is  my 
best-known  characteristic.  Publicity  is  like 
men.  Leave  'em  alone  and  they  simply  chase 
you.  Pretend  you  don't  want  them,  and  you 
can't  lose  them.  And  the  more  reluctant  I  am 
about  being  noticed,  the  wilder  the  papers  get ! 
Only,  of  course,  without  a  good  publicity  man 
this  wouldn't,  perhaps,  be  a  perfectly  safe  bet. 

So  this  day,  having  got  rid  of  all  my  leaf- 
lets, I  was  slowly  working  my  way  toward  the 
Avenue,  when  publicity  was  thrust  upon  me. 

You  know  this  Bohemian  part  of  New  York 
is  made  up  of  old  houses  which  is  so  picturesque 
through  not  having  much  plumbing  and  so 
forth  and  heat  being  furnished  principally  by 
the  talk  of  the  tenants  on  Bolshevism  and  ect. 
These  inconveniences  makes  a  atmosphere  of 
freedom  and  all  that  and  furnishes  a  district 
where  the  shoe-clerk  can  go  and  be  his  true 
self  among  the  many  wild,  free  spirits  from 
Chicago  and  all  points  west.  Well,  this  neigh- 
[288] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


borhood  could  stand  a  lot  of  repairs,  not  alone 
in  the  personal  sense,  but  in  a  good  many  of 
the  buildings,  but  these  are  seldom  made  until 
interfered  with  by  the  police  or  building  de- 
partments. And  on  the  corner  of  the  street 
which  I  was  now  at  there  was  a  big  old  house 
full  of  people  who  did  something,  I  suppose, 
and  these  were  mostly  bursting  out  through 
the  open  windows  or  sitting  on  the  little  bal- 
conies which  looked  like  they  couldn't  hold  a 
flower  pot  and  a  pint  of  milk  with  any  safety 
much  less  a  human.  But  there  they  was,  sit- 
ting, with  all  the  indifference  to  fate,  for  which 
the}7  are  so  well  known.  I  couldn't  but  notice 
the  risk  they  ran,  but  I  should  worry  how  many 
radicals  are  killed,  and  so  I  paid  but  little 
heed  until  I  noticed  that  there  was  three  little 
kids — all  ragged  children  of  the  dear  prole- 
tariat—which some  of  the  Bohemians  had 
hauled  up  on  a  balcony  which  was  too  frail  for 
adults.  The  minute  I  see  that  balcony  I  was 
scared  to  death,  although  the  short-haired  girl 
and  the  long-haired  man  which  was  letting  the 
kids  out  on  it  was  laughing  and  care-free  as 
you  please.  The  kids  got  out  all  right,  and  then 
something  awful  happened. 
[289] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Right  below  was  a  open  space  at  the  head 
of  this  particular  column,  where  the  officers  and 
color-bearers  and  ect  was.  Rosco  and  Ted 
was  getting  a  picture  of  them.  But  while  I 
generally  watch  a  camera,  this  time  I  didn't 
on  account  of  watching  the  kids.  And  as  I 
looked  that  rotten  old  balcony  broke  and  one 
them,  a  little  girl,  fell  through  and  hung  there, 
caught  by  her  skirt,  and  it  a  ragged  one  at  that. 
Everybody  screamed  and  yelled  and  sort  of 
drew  back,  which  is  the  first  way  people  act 
at  a  horror  before  they  begin  to  think.  I 
yelled  myself,  but  I  started  toward  her,  be- 
cause the  radicals  couldn't  reach  her  from 
above  and  from  below  the  ground  was  fully 
twenty  feet  away  and  nothing  but  a  fence  with 
spikes  and  a  dummy  window-ledge  way  to  one 
side.  But  I  had  a  idea  I  might  make  it  for 
what  with  two  generations  on  the  center  tra- 
peze and  never  a  drop  of  liquor  and  not  to  men- 
tion what  I  done  in  pictures,  I  think  quicker 
than  some  and  act  the  same.  But  my  new 
skirt  prevented,  and  ahead  of  me  dashed  a  sol- 
dier. 

In  a  minute  he  had  scaled  the  wall  and 
worked  his  way  along  the  spikes  to  that  ledge, 
and  then  while  the  crowd  watched  breathless- 
[290] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


ly  he  had  that  kid  under  one  arm  and  was  back 
on  the  wall  again.  He  held  her  close,  turned 
around,  crouched  down  and  then  jumped.  And 
as  he  jumped  I  screamed  and  run  forward,  for 
Oh  My  Gawd,  it  was  Jim! 

I  don't  know  how  I  got  there,  but  when  I 
come  to  I  and  that  scared  kid  was  all  mixed 
Up  in  his  arms  and  the  three  of  us  crying  to 
beat  the  band  which  had  struck  up  and  the 
crowd  yelling  like  mad.  And  it  was  a  peach 
of  a  stunt,  believe  you  me. 

''Didn't  you  get  my  cable?"  Jim  says.  And 
I  says  no,  and  we  clinched  again.  And  then 
we  heard  a  funny,  purring  sound  right  behind 
and  broke  loose  and  turned  around  and  there 
was  that  devil  of  a  Ted  taking  a  close-up! 

"Hold  it!  Damn  you,  hold  it  another  ten 
feet!"  yells  Rosco,  who  was  dancing  around 
like  a  regulation  director,  just  back  of  Ted. 
"Fine,  Fine!  Oh,  boy,  what  a  pair  of  smiles! 
Say,  folks,  we  shot  the  whole  scene — some 
News  Weekly  Feature.  Oh  say,  can  you  see 
me,  Rosco,  tlie  publicity  man!" 

Honest  to  Gawd  you  would  of  thought  he 
had  gone  crazy !  And  that  bone-headed  crowd 
couldn't  make  out  was  the  whole  thing  staged 
[291] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


or  real.  Believe  you  me,  I  had  to  pinch  my- 
self to  know  was  it  real  or  not,  but  thank  Gawd 
it  was,  it  was!  And  after  nearly  two  years! 
Do  you  know  how  that  feels?  Give  a  guess! 
And  then,  just  as  I  thought  now  this  cruel 
war  and  everything  is  over,  why  that  rough- 
neck of  a  officer  give  the  order  to  fall  in  and 
of  course  Jim  had  to  and  left  me  there  with 
that  kid  in  my  arms  for  Ted  to  make  a  couple 
of  stills  for  the  papers. 

Believe  you  me,  I  couldn't  tell  how  many  he 
took,  or  when,  because  seeing  Jim  so  sudden 
and  unexpected  had  pretty  near  killed  me,  and 
I  couldn't  say  anything  much  about  the  parade 
either,  because  something  kept  me  from  seeing 
it  and  I  guess  it  was  my  own  glad  tears.  Any- 
ways, I  had  three  wet  handkerchiefs  in  my  bag 
when  I  got  home  and  one  of  them  a  perfect 
stranger's. 

Well,  of  course,  I  expected  the  parade  would 
break  up  when  it  struck  Harlem  and  the  boys 
would  hurry  right  home.  And  did  they  ?  They 
did  not!  I  hurried  right  home,  all  right,  all 
right,  but  not  so  Jim.  And  for  a  long  while 
I  was  sitting  there  in  one  of  my  trousseau 
dresses  and  a  fearful  state  of  mind  over  what 
had  he  done  to  get  killed  since  I  last  seen  him. 
[292] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


But  hours  went  by  and  still  he  didn't  come. 
And  I  didn't  know  his  'phone  or  where  he  was 
or  anything.  The  only  clue  I  had  that  the 
whole  business  was  a  fact  and  no  dream  was 
the  cable,  which  had  come  after  he  did,  say- 
ing he  would  be  home  as  arranged  after  all. 

Believe  you  me,  I  hope  never  to  live  through 
another  twenty-four  hours  like  them  that  fol- 
lowed, because  I  couldn't  eat  or  sleep,  not 
knowing  where  he  was. 

Next  morning  I  wouldn't  even  look  at  the 
papers  which  was  Sunday  and  full  of  our  and 
the  division's  pictures.  And  Monday  was 
worse,  because  even  although  Jim  might  be 
alive  none  of  the  hospitals  nor  yet  the  morgue 
had  him,  and  so  I  commenced  to  think  he  had 
gone  back  on  me.  A  telegram  come  from  the 
coast  saying  "Great  Sunday  story  bring  Rosco 
contract  follows,"  but  what  did  I  care  for  that 
stuff  without  Jim?  Ma  was  very  silent  all  this 
time,  and  kept  in  her  room  a  lot,  with  the  door 
shut.  And  then  late  Monday  afternoon  the 
door-bell  rung,  and  my  heart  leaped  to  my 
feet  like  it  had  done  at  every  tinkle  for  48 
hours,  and  I  went  myself,  but  it  was  only  Ruby 
Roselle  and  Mr.  Mulvaney  of  the  Welcome 
[293]  " 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


Home  Committee  with  her!  The  men  that 
girl  knows!  Well,  she  sees  them  in  another 
light  than  I  and  it's  a  good  thing  all  tastes 
don't  run  the  same.  But  this  was  such  a  sur- 
prise I  asked  them  in  before  I  thought  and 
pretty  near  forgot  my  own  troubles  for  a 
minute. 

Ruby  cuddled  down  into  her  kolinsky  wrap 
and  give  me  the  fish-eye,  as  she  addressed  me 
in  her  own  sweet  way  as  a  woman  to  her  best 
enemy. 

"Dearie,"  she  says,  tucking  in  a  imaginary 
curl.  ''Dear,  Johnnie  here  was  over  to  my 
flat  and  we  got  speaking  of  you  by  accident, 
and  he's  anxious  to  know  where's  the  money 
he  gave  you,  and  why  no  decorations  as  was 
intended?" 

"Yes,  Miss  La  Tour,"  says  the  old  bird, 
which  it  was  plain  she  had  made  a  even  more 
perfect  fool  of  him  than  he  had  been  before. 
"Yes,  Miss  La  Tour,  it's  a  serious  thing,"  he 
says.  "I  understand  you  didn't  really  call 
even  one  meeting  and  as  for  decorations — !! 
Well,  what  can  you  tell  us?" 

Well,  I  told  him  how  I  come  to  think  of 
what  I  thought  of,  and  the  jobs  which  I  had 
319  of  and  the  notes  and  all,  and  while  I 
[294] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


talked  I  could  see  plain  enough  that  I  was 
getting  in  worse  every  minute,  because  they 
had  come  determined  to  find  me  guilty,  and  no 
matter  what  I  said,  it  would  of  listened  queer 
with  them  two  pairs  of  glassy  eyes  on  me. 

"I  had  a  hunch,"  I  wound  up,  "that  maybe 
something  a  little  substantial  would  be  wel- 
come," I  says,  "because  after  all  a  person 
can't  live  on  plaster  arches  and  paper  flowers, 
and  three  hundred  and  nineteen  jobs  ought  to 
take  care  of  a  considerable  percent  of  the  ones 
that  need  it,"  I  says.  "And  so  while  your 
arches  are  all  right,"  I  says,  "you  must  admit 
they  are  principally  for  show." 

When  I  got  through  Mr.  Mulvaney  cleared 
his  throat  and  didn't  seem  to  know  just  how 
to  go  on;  but  Ruby  give  him  an  eye,  and  so 
he  cleared  his  throat  again  and  changed  back 
to  her  side. 

"This  is  all  most  irregular,"  he  says  very 
dignified.  "Most  irregular.  You  will  cer- 
tainly have  to  appear  before  the  general  com- 
mittee and  give  them  an  accounting.  What 
you  have  done  amounts  to  a  misuse  of  public- 
funds!" 

My  Gawd,  I  nearly  fainted  at  that!  But 
[295] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


before  I  could  say  a  word  a  voice  spoke  up 
from  the  doorway. 

"Like  hell  it  does!"  says  Jim,  which  that 
dear  kid  had  left  himself  in  with  his  key  and 
listened  to  the  whole  .business,  "Like  hell 
it's  a  misuse  1"  he  says,  coming  into  the  room 
and  putting  his  arm  around  me.  "You  just 
let  the  public  and  the  soldiers  take  their 
choice !  Give  all  the  facts  to  all  the  newspapers 
and  we  will  furnish  the  photographs  free !  Go 
to  it!     Get  busy!    And — get  out!" 

Well,  they  got,  and  what  happened  then  I 
will  not  go  into  because  there  are  things  even 
a  self-centered  woman  won't  put  on  paper! 
Poor  Jim,  and  him  back  in  camp  to  get  de- 
loused  and  demobilized  and  his  tooth-brush, 
and  a  few  parting  words  of  appreciation  and 
ect,  these  past  48  hours  which  it  seems  is  the 
rule  for  all  soldiers,  and  I  suppose  they  did 
need  the  rest  after  that  parade  before  taking 
up  domestic  life  once  more. 

Well,  anyways,  that  afternoon  late,  while 
him  and  me  was  thoroughly  enjoying  our  joint 
contract  and  the  Sunday  spreads  with  our  pic- 
tures and  all,  in  walks  'Ma  with  her  hat  and 
dolman  on  and  a  suit-case  in  one  hand,  and 
[296] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


'Frisco,  the  he-snake  in  his  box,  in  the  other 
hand. 

"For  the  love  of  Mike,  Ma  Gilligan,  where 
are  you  going  to?"  I  says,  looking  at  her  idly. 

"I'm  leaving  you  forever!"  says  Ma,  in  a 
deep  voice. 

"Leaving  us?  Whatter  you  mean,  leaving 
us?"  I  says,  taking  notice  and  my  head  off 
Jim's  shoulder. 

"I'm  going  back  to  work,"  says  Ma.  "I'm 
not  going  to  be  dependent  on  you  no  longer," 
she  says,  "nor  a  burden  in  my  old  age,"  she 
says.  "And  now  that  you  got  Jim  back  I  shall 
only  be  in  the  way,  so  good-by,  Gawd  bless 

you!" 

"Why,  Ma  Gilligan!"  I  yells,  jumping  to 
my  feet.  "How  you  talk!  Besides  what  on 
earth  do  you  think  you  could  do?" 

"Oh,  I  got  a  job,"  she  flashes,  proudly.  "I'm 
going  back  to  the  circus  I" 

Believe  you  me,  that  pretty  near  had  me 
floored. 

"The  circus!"  I  says.  "What  nonsense! 
"Why  a  trapezer  has  to  be  half  your  age  to  say 
nothing  of  weight!" 

"I'm  not  going  on  no  trapeze  at  my  years!" 
[297] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


says  Ma.     "I'm  going  back  as  Fat  Lady.    One 
hundred  a  week  and  expenses!" 

All  of  a  sudden  I  realized  the  full  meaning 
of  them  doughnuts  and  cocoa  and  ect  she  had 
eat  these  past  months.  She  had  been  deliber- 
ately training  and  as  usual  was  successful.  I 
sprung  to  my  feet  and  hung  around  Ma's  neck 
like  a  ten-year-old. 

"Oh  Ma!"  I  says.  "Don't!  Please  don't  go 
back!  Whatever  would  we  do  without  you?" 
I  says.    And  Jim  added  his  entreaties. 

"Why,  Ma  Gilligan,  what  bally  rot!"  he 
says,  which  it's  quite  noticeable  the  amount  of 
English  he's  picked  up  over  there.  "What 
a  silly  ass  you  are,  old  dear!"  he  says.  "Here 
we  are  going  to  California  and  who  would 
cook  for  us  if  not  you?"  he  says,  "with  the  cook- 
question  like  it  is  out  there?" 

Well,  that  weakened  Ma  considerable,  for 
cooking  is  her  middle  name.  So  she  set  down 
the  suit-case. 

"Ma!"  I  begged  her.  "We  couldn't  have 
too  much  of  you,  and  you  would  never  be  in  the 
way  or  a  burden  no  matter  what  the  scales 
say.  For  heaven's  sake  take  off  that  hat,  it's 
too  young  for  you,  and  burden  us  with  the  first 
home  cooking  Jim  has  had  in  two  years!" 
[298] 


THE  GLAD  HAND 


Well,  she  give  in  at  that,  and  sat  down  the 
snake  and  her  dolman  and  pocket-book. 

"Well,  all  right  then !"  she  says.  "I'll  stay !" 
Which  is  about  all  the  emotion  Ma  ever  shows. 
"Whew,  but  it's  hot  in  here!"  she  says  and 
turns  to  open  the  window  and  we  left  her  do 
it,  because  we  seen  she  didn't  want  us  to  notice 
her  tears.  And  as  she  opened  it  she  gives  a 
shriek  and  leans  way  over,  grabbing  at  some- 
thing. And  hardly  had  she  yelled  than  from 
below  come  a  holler  and  a  flow  of  language  the 
like  of  which  I  had  never  heard,  no,  not  even 
at  the  studio  when  something  went  wrong! 
Then  Ma  commenced  to  laugh  something 
hysterical  and  pulled  herself  back  in  through 
the  window  and  leaned  against  the  side  of  it, 
hollering  her  head  off. 

"What  is  it?"  I  says. 

"It's  Maude!"  gasps  Ma.  "She  was  shut 
under  the  winder  and  when  I  opened  it  she  fell 
out  and  lit  on  Rudie's  head  which  was  sitting 
right  underneath." 

Well,  we  could  hardly  hear  her  for  the  noise 
in  the  kitchen.  The  dumb-waiter  was  buzzing 
like  all  possessed.  I  and  Jim  rushed  out  and 
there,  lickety-split,  come  the  dumb-waiter  only 
it  was  more  inarticulate  than  dumb  by  then, 
[299] 


BELIEVE  YOU  ME! 


and  on  it  the  case  of  Old  Home  lacking  only 
three  quarts. 

"I  find  your  whiskey,  Miss  La  Tour!"  says 
Rudie's  voice,  very  weak  and  shagy  from  be- 
low. "I  chust  find  him  and  send  him  right 
away,  quick  I" 

"Thanks  old  dear!"  chortled  Jim.  "Come 
up  and  have  a  drink  on  me!" 

"No  tanks!"  yelled  Rudie.  "I'm  leaving 
this  blace  right  now  foreffer!" 

Well,  we  should  worry !  I  turned  to  Jim,  a 
big  load  off  my  mind. 

"Jim,"  I  says  solemnly.  "There  is  the  three 
hundred  and  twentieth  job!" 

THE  END 


[300] 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FAOLIT 


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KINA  WILCOX 
PUTNAM 


